There were other areas below the waist his mouth went where I had never had another go before but the time he spent with his head between my legs became one mind numbing orgasm after another. I forgot how many times he made me come because as soon as I thought I’d had enough another would come along, and shake me to the core.
By the time he did kiss his way up to my lips, my whole body felt like a junkie’s coming off the worst heroin withdrawal. No part of me seemed under my control any longer, and I allowed him to do what he wished because I couldn’t have stopped him even if I wanted to.
He plunged his cock inside me, and my body moved with his at the pace he chose. I wrapped my shaky legs around his waist and held on as best as I could but I knew it was no use. He controlled my body and I was merely there but nothing that happened was of my own doing.
I should have asked him to wear a condom but as he rode me bareback, my mind wandered off as I thought of all the times Finn and I had made love. It had never been like this, not mind-blowingly numb but I loved him so much it didn’t matter. I realized at that moment I had no real emotions for Etienne and thus we were two strangers having awesome, ground-breaking, over-the-top, only-happens-in-the-movies sex but that’s all it was. He didn’t love me and I didn’t love him; I was merely a receptacle of his pleasure and nothing else.
He didn’t respect me as a human being and only took what had been promised to him by my mother. How could I have forgotten she told him it was okay to have his way with me as long as he remembered who was in control of the situation, and who could ruin him and his reputation with a phone call.
We had sex all night in as many positions as possible and the following morning, I was so sore, I didn’t move except to urinate, take a quick shower before I fell back into bed again.
I ignored my phone because who ever was calling me, I had no wish to talk to them. I felt like a paid whore, a prostitute—no matter how much I told myself I’d enjoyed our trysts—the multiple orgasms alone had been worth the feeling of loneliness I had the next day. There was also a part of me felt like I had betrayed Finn far worse than anything he’d ever done to me.
How could I beg for his forgiveness when I couldn’t bother to forgive myself for what I had done? When I’d slept with Etienne, not only had I deceived the only man I’d ever loved but I also had betrayed my mother’s trust. It wasn’t what she did to me; it was what I had allowed to be done to myself. I had not stopped it therefore in my mind I was a worse human being than my mother was ever capable of being.
I couldn’t even bother to cry because though I felt an unmistakable sense of violation, I had not been raped. I’d gone along with it and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Though all the while, I felt like I was under water; drowning in the middle of the Pacific ocean but I didn’t have a life preserver or anyone at all to come to my rescue.
I shouldn’t have missed my weekly Sunday brunch with Monika but I did without an explanation. I tried to sleep but my doorbell awoke me, and I looked over to see it was shortly after noon.
I hadn’t moved much the day before. I remember having been in a strange fugue state where I barely drank anything but water, and didn’t even attempt to make myself anything to eat.
Slowly, I sat up in bed and the room began to spin. There was furious knocking at the door now and Monika’s voice called out to me in a panic. I picked up my sundress, threw it in the white hamper, which contained all the clothes that needed to go to the dry cleaners, and pulled on a robe to cover my short nightie.
I knew I must have looked a hot mess but I couldn’t give a damn. Shortly after her knocks became bangs, I opened the door while Monika breathed a sigh of relief with one of her small hands pressed over her heart.
“What the hell took you so long? Don’t you answer your phone anymore? You practically stood me up at Jerry’s Deli but thank goodness I didn’t go since I never got a response from you. What the hell is going on here?” she exclaimed in her usual rational tone.
“Why don’t you come in? Should I put on a pot of coffee?”
“Are you sure you’re feeling all right? Hello? I brought the coffee.” Monika held up two grande-sized coffees from Starbucks before she handed one to me.
“Thanks,” I murmured and sipped from mine. It contained cream and three Splendas, just the way I liked it.
She sat across from me on the loveseat Etienne had occupied a couple nights’ previously. “Why haven’t you answered your phone? Finn tried to call—he was worried to death something might have happened. We all have left you countless messages, and you’ve done nothing but ignore us. Did I mention that is not cool?”
“You probably did once or twice but I haven’t really been paying close attention,” I replied in a sarcastic voice.
Monika rolled her eyes in a dramatic fashion. “Oh, good Lord—what ever the hell happened, can you seek redemption for yourself or are stuck in the pits of hell forever? Tell me, what could you possibly have done that is so bad you don’t want to discuss it at all?”
“I slept with Etienne Friday night,” I began quietly. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, it just did. I mean, he came by and he was feeling angry and morose because my mother doesn’t want him modeling anymore and…one thing led to another. It was the best sex I have ever had in my life but I have never felt like such a skank. I couldn’t even get out of bed yesterday, hence the reason why I didn’t answer my phone. And today, I am in a world of pain. My vagina feels like it’s on fire but I can’t wash his scent away no matter how hard I try.”
I paused when I realized I was crying and grabbed a few Kleenex from the coffee table. “I changed my sheets and I slept all day but I can’t get out of my mind how much I have betrayed the one and only man who has ever bothered to love someone like me. Our night meant nothing to either one of us. I truly do believe he’s in love with my mother, and I know I am in love with Finn but what do I do? I can’t just say sorry and move on. Life doesn’t work that way. He’ll never forgive me. I know him…we talked about it and he never wanted me to go through with it. He was happy when I told him I wouldn’t, and I just couldn’t help myself. My God, I’m so destructive, I’ve ruined everything between the two of us.”
My best friend stood and sat beside me before she took me in her arms. “Everyone makes mistakes. I have known you for a very long time, and I can see how sorry you are about what you’ve done. If you tell Finn the same thing, he won’t hold it against you. Did you use a condom?”
I shook my head. “I’m on the pill but that’s not that point. How do I get from under this, sweetie? I don’t know how to dig myself out. I am so full of hatred and self-loathing right now, I can’t even see straight. I deserve what ever Finn tells me to do and I just…I can’t even say why I did it. There is no good excuse. I got caught up in the moment, and it will cost me the only relationship I really wish to have. I don’t want Etienne. There’s nothing he can do for me but I know deep inside my heart, Finn and I were made for one another.”
My best friend kissed the side of my forehead. “Honey, you aren’t perfect, and Finn never expected you to be. You said you two never made your togetherness again binding yet so what happened between you and Etienne doesn’t count. He won’t tell your mother—believe me when I tell you this. I will make him sorry he ever crawled out of his mother’s womb if he does anything to hurt you.”
“Please don’t. I feel like shit already and all I can think about is how am I supposed to go back to university? I can’t live here on the grounds of my mother’s house. I need to get away but where do I go? She won’t understand—”
“Listen to me. I will have my mother call your mother and they are going to have a long talk, okay? Until then, I think it’s best if you packed a couple of suitcases, and stayed with Dylan and me for the time being. You shouldn’t be here alone while you’re going through this private hell…I could only think the worse. I refuse to lose you behind bullshit, do you understand?”
I wiped away my
tears and nodded my head. “Okay. I’ll just start packing—”
“I’ll help you.”
Monika and I walked into my bedroom and she removed two Louis Vuitton overnight bags and began to help me pack. We wore the same shoe size and since her shoe closet matched just one of my walk-in closets, we only packed clothing and a small bag of toiletries.
Shortly after we were finished, I changed my clothes and slipped into a pair of boyfriend jeans and black tee shirt before I put on a pair of Nikes. She’d begun to load my bags in my Mini while I locked the door to the guesthouse.
Etienne appeared out of nowhere as he walked over and looked from her to me.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to be away a while…from you, from this place, this house. I am going to stay with Monika,” I replied though I failed to look him in the eyes.
“What we did was between two consenting adults so why are you running away now? It makes no sense, Elvira.”
“It might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me,” Monika interrupted and flashed her icy blue eyes in Etienne’s direction. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself taking advantage of a twenty year old woman especially when you are married to her mother! What kind of man has sex with his stepdaughter? You are just despicable and the sooner she gets away from you, the sooner Evie will be able to breathe.”
“You don’t know what you are talking about,” he murmured in a cold voice that lacked not an ounce of remorse.
“I know exactly what I am talking about. I saw the way you looked at her when we were in Boston. You’ve had this planned from way back. You came across as the friend when all you are is a cheap, two-bit predator! Have you no shame or decency? You disgust me!”
Etienne glared at Monika and looked truly shocked by how she’d spoken to him but she turned her back to him, and continued to load the bags into my car.
“I expected more from you, Elvira. I thought we could be two adults about our arrangement.”
His comments finally registered before I walked up to him and slapped him harshly across the face. “There is no arrangement between us, Etienne. I will never share a bed with you again. Ever!”
Monika pulled me away from him. “Save it—he isn’t worth it.”
I allowed my best friend to put me in the driver’s seat of my Mini and promptly followed her as we left my mother’s palatial Palisades mansion.
For the next few weeks, I stayed with Dylan and Monika, hung out with Amaani on the UCLA campus, and spoke to Finn on the phone. The most painful part of the new life I had begun to live was I couldn’t tell the man I loved the truth, not over the phone. It would have felt too deceptive and insincere.
Shortly before the end of October, my mother finally called and demanded we meet at Spago for dinner, just “us two girls”. I agreed and turned up early the day of our appointment. The Maître D’ had a waiter show me to our table, and I sat down. Although I felt extremely nervous, I stuck with the carafe of water on the table and drank two glassfuls before my mother strolled in like she owned the joint.
She said her “hellos” to several celebrities she knew before she sat down with flourish, and stared at me with gorgeous gray-green eyes.
“Well, hello, my dear daughter. It seems like it has been ages since we have seen one another. Cristal called and told me you were staying with Monika but I expected you back home by now. What’s going on with you?”
I was about to speak but our waiter interrupted with the specials for the night before he took our drink orders. My mother ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon and sent him away with a wave of her hand before she glared at me again.
“Well?”
“You’ll be happy to know that UCLA and I are a good fit. I am very happy there. I haven’t been home because something happened there when you were in Switzerland,” I replied in quiet voice.
“Mmm, interesting, although you can cut the cryptic act because it reminds me of some of the bad films that grace my résumé, and I don’t like lies or deception. What exactly happened?”
I grabbed my napkin and placed it on my lap. “Etienne and I had a sexual encounter and I feel awful about it. I have never felt like such a whore in my life. He said it was something he had talked about with you, and you gave him permission to have his way with me. I just couldn’t believe you would allow something like that to happen, and I still don’t understand why I did it. It’s very difficult for me to face him at this time because he thought our escapade would continue. Although I have always been a disappointment to you and Dad, even I have my limits to what I will and won’t do.”
The waiter chose this moment to interrupt and opened the bottle of champagne with relish before he poured us each a fluted glass and left our table.
The expression on my mother’s face was priceless—a mixture of shock and disappointment made her look like she was absolutely constipated. “What in that pea brain of yours would make you believe I’d give Etienne permission to have sex with you? He’s my husband—we took vows to be true to one another. Exactly what part of my controlling and domineering personality suggests to you that I am the ‘free love’ type? Why would I want him carrying on a liaison with my beautiful and young daughter? Shouldn’t I be the least concerned he would like sex with you too much and leave me?”
“I don’t know if I ever believed what he said but that’s what he told me, and I am so sorry I went through with it at all. I can’t stay at home. All I can think about is Finn coming back, and having to tell him this very same story I just told you. Will he want me or have I lost him forever?” I stared at my glass of champagne but I’d yet to pick it up and sip from it.
“Oh, Evie, mistakes happen and believe me, when I get down to the bottom of this situation, I might just throw my new hubby out of the house.” She grabbed her fluted glass and drank most of her champagne in a few controlled sips. “He didn’t…rape you, did he?”
I shook my head profusely. “No, he didn’t. It was consensual but that doesn’t mean I felt any less guilty. I know I haven’t been the ideal daughter but I’m so sorry, Mom. I understand that doesn’t make up for what I did to you but the thought you could be angry with me, hate me, and perhaps choose your husband over me is a scary proposition.”
My mother grabbed my hand. “Honey, I haven’t been the greatest mother, either. I abandoned you, left you with my parents, and I was never there when you needed me the most. The whole teenage pregnancy incident would have never happened if I hadn’t been so busy chasing after your father, and trying to prevent him from nailing every available—and sometimes unavailable—skirt in town. I’ve made so many mistakes when it has come to you. Please believe me when I say you have nothing to apologize about. I will handle the situation with my husband but I have to ask…do you feel anything for him? Any emotions at all?”
“No, none at all. I can honestly say that Etienne could teach Finn a thing or two in the lovemaking department but…the only man who has ever held my heart is the rogue Irishman from Omagh via Boston. I love him so much and yet, I haven’t told him. Not all the many times we have spoken because I can’t bear to tell him over the phone.” I explained before I finally summoned the courage to grab my champagne and take a satisfying swig.
“Do you really think Finbar is going to take the news better in person?” my mother inquired sarcastically. “Why don’t you just tell him and be done with it. Don’t you think it would be easier for everyone involved?”
“How would you have reacted to the news if I had called you in Switzerland and told you? Wouldn’t you have felt betrayed and blindsided?”
My mother rolled her eyes before she shook her shoulders in a nonchalant way. “Fair enough. I’m merely saying you are a young, beautiful woman who has only begun to live life. Surely he didn’t think he would be your one and only. When you get to be my age, a little experimentation goes a long way. I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who know they’ve found the one, and can
not be happy with that one person but you’re my daughter.”
She shook her head before she finished her champagne. “When I was your age, I was an absolute, uncontrollable riot. When I came here to L.A., believe me I had more than my fair share of men. How do you think I ended up pregnant with you? By that time, I’d had a couple abortions, and I couldn’t do it again. I wasn’t even sure Rolf was the father but he insisted on a blood test, which proved to be his undoing. It still took me seven years to capture him, and less than another ten years before I’d lost him again.”
“Mom, we are talking about the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the man I want to marry and father of my child…hopefully, we can have more once I finish with university. No more cheating between us and no more lies. I don’t know how to rectify what I want from Finn with what I have done to him. He doesn’t have to forgive me, and that’s what scares me the most!” I exclaimed though I kept my voice low.
“Well, if he really wants to make a life with you then he will find a way to forgive you because none of us are perfect, and he must realize you’re human too. If I can excuse your transgressions than so can he.”
Of course my mother made sense and her words haunted me throughout our dinner together. I couldn’t believe how well she had taken the news given I had slept with her husband but it was nice to know my mother had never treated me like a prostitute nor given her husband carte blanche to sleep with me.
By the time we left the restaurant together, I embraced her deeply before we parted.
“Listen, I will talk to Etienne and he will learn to make himself scarce on certain days I want you to come over. I’m not saying this means I am definitely staying with him but at the same time, I don’t know how prudent it is for me to leave him either. I am not a young woman anymore, and it’s not exactly as if men are beating down my door. However, I don’t want his presence to make you feel like you are barred from the house. It is just as much your place as it is ours.” She smiled at me and I returned her expression with glee.
Dangerous Games Page 19
