The Journal: Cracked Earth

by Deborah D. Moore

  “Thinking of picking blueberries reminded me of when Kathy’s dad came with us. Oh, how he loved to pick berries! In June, the three of us would travel over an hour to the strawberry farm. Kath and I would pick, and Ken would playfully flirt with the ladies. At eighty-six he wasn’t able to stoop to pick berries, so we picked for him. He so enjoyed the outings,” I said with melancholy and took a sip of coffee. “He and Kathy’s mom died a couple of weeks ago.”

  The tears prickled behind my eyes. I took a deep breath, and another sip of coffee. John got up, took my hand and pulled me into his arms.

  He looked down at me, reached out and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear, grazing my cheek with his fingers. “Any time you need a hug, just say so,” he said softly, and dropped his hand to his side.

  “Talking about Kathy reminds me that she and Bob will be coming over for Christmas dinner. I’m hoping that my son Jason will come too with his family. I haven’t talked to them lately. He knows that they are always welcome.” My knees were shaky with John standing so near and I could still feel the trail his fingers left on my face. I turned to clear the dishes to avoid his eyes. I didn’t want him to see my hunger when he didn’t feel the same.

  * * *

  Chores still loomed before us. I needed the driveway cleared so I could get to town and we needed wood for the stove. I showed John the woodpile and handed him the carry sling.

  “This is the last of the first burn wood. It’s wood that was left over from last year and since it’s now two years old it needs to be burned first.”

  The clear skies also meant lower temperatures, and thankfully the wind had died down. The snow crunched underfoot as I limped my way through the deep drifts to the barn.

  We both worked quickly. This was the shortest day of the year and dusk was already threatening. By the time I finished removing the snow from the entire drive, the plows still hadn’t come by. Now I could get out of the driveway, although I might not be able to get to the main road. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard the plows out on CR695 either. I might be the emergency manager, but I can’t do anything if I’m snowed in.

  Back in the house, I was pleased with the pile of wood John had stacked behind the stove. He had also fed wood into the stove, so it was pleasantly warm inside. I opened the warming door over the stove and set my gloves there to dry. John picked his up off the floor and set them there too, giving me a sheepish grin.

  Dinner was simple. I warmed a jar of hamburger, some onions, and a few crushed herbs then added a jar of green peas. I thickened the broth to make gravy and served it on top of penne pasta. John finished off the bread sopping up the gravy. I guess it’s oatmeal in the morning instead of toast. It also means making bread sometime tomorrow.

  * * *

  The next day, I lit the stove slightly after daybreak, which is now around 8:15A.M. I’ve found from experience it’s easier for the woodstove to maintain a baking temperature early in the day, so making bread I do right after I get up. I mixed a double batch in a big bowl, adding a couple of eggs to make it a bit richer and more flavorful. I kneaded it while thinking about the day to come, then set it to rise in the oiled bowl next to the warmth of the stove and covered it with a towel.

  Christmas is in two days, and I still haven’t planned out an actual menu for Christmas dinner. I sat down to do that at the same time John made his way into the kitchen.

  “Good morning,” he mumbled, still half asleep.

  “Good morning. There’s coffee on the stove.” Tufts finally wandered out from under the bed. I know he’s been out and about during the night because his food is gone and the litter box is used. He’s avoided John, not sure what to make of him. Tufts doesn’t like strangers. Maybe he’s decided that John isn’t a stranger anymore. It’s good to see him getting underfoot again.

  With two of us doing the few chores, it all gets done quickly. John likes keeping the wood full, and I do understand that. If we get hit with a surprise blizzard— and without a weather report, it’s all a surprise—having a few days’ worth of wood already inside can be a lifesaver. Early this afternoon, while he was getting wood, I heard voices. Don had come over to give me a hand, and met John loading up the sling.

  I had put the two loaves of bread in the oven a half hour earlier, and the baking aroma permeated the kitchen. When the two walked in, John stopped, closed his eyes, breathed deep and sighed.

  “I see you’ve got some help,” Don said looking uninterested, though he arched his brow at me to ask a silent question.

  “And I see that you’ve met John,” I said meet his gaze and just smiled. “John’s my friend from Eagle Beach.” That took him by surprise, and it showed.

  Don stayed for a cup of coffee and a chat with John. They discussed numerous things, then when it came around to guns, Don was impressed by the fact that John is a gunsmith. Don was getting ready to leave when I was taking the bread out of the oven. “Before you go, Don, how are your supplies holding out? Do you need anything?” I asked.

  “Only gas for the generator to keep the freezers going. Since now we can pack things outside we don’t run it as much. Nancy has been canning up a storm. Say, do you have any extra jars that we can use? And what about rice? She stocked up on pasta, but we’ve gone through the ten pounds of rice that she had stored.” Don had a lot of food in freezer storage, where I had a lot in dry storage.

  “Tell you what,” I said, “I’ll trade you a five gallon bucket of rice and a dozen quart jars for a half dozen nice steaks, rib-eyes if you have them.”

  “Deal!”

  John and I loaded up the sled with the rice and an unopened case of quart jars, then we snow-shoed across the road. I had to show John how the shoes were strapped on. He’s a quick study and got the hang of it real fast. Knee deep snow is hard to walk through regardless how far one has to go.

  * * *

  When we returned home I opened the bag from Don and discovered a dozen large rib-eye steaks. I set two of them on a plate to thaw for dinner and put the other ten in one of the coolers on the deck. I sat by the stove. My ankle was really starting to hurt. I had definitely overdone it today. John saw me wince when I got up for an ice pack.

  “Sit!” he commanded. “What do you need?” I told him where the ice packs were. He gently pulled my boot off, set my foot on a pillow that he placed on a chair, and pressed an ice pack around my throbbing ankle. I sighed.

  “Don’t move for at least a half hour. You need anything, tell me. Okay?”

  “Okay. Pull up a chair and talk to me. Tell me about your family, your home, anything.” All he needed was a little prompting.

  “My daughter Christine is now thirty and finished school as a dental hygienist about five years ago. She had a nice job in Fort Wayne, Indiana at a clinic, until it cut back the staff and she got laid off. It’s a good thing she’s single, since the only other job she could find after six months was in Greenwood, near Indianapolis, and she had to move.” He paused to adjust the icepack on my ankle that had slipped to the side. “My mom lives in Louisville, Kentucky, so at least Christine is closer to her grandma now. My mom loves to travel,” John smiled. “She’s been all over the states, seeing everything the travel brochures talk about. The Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Bad Lands. I think her favorite is Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. She’s quite adventuresome for an old lady.” The sound of his laughter filled the room and made me smile.

  I’ve never heard him say this much in the year I’ve known him. Of course, he was usually face-down on the massage table.

  Forty-five minutes later, the ice pack was warm and my butt was numb. I needed to move. I stood, took a step, my ankle gave out and I stumbled. John caught me by the shoulders and prevented me from falling. We stood there for a moment, then he pulled me closer, his face hovering mere inches from me. He lowered his head and kissed me, barely brushing my lips. Then he deepened the kiss. Shock waves of pleasure assaulted my senses and I leaned into him, returning his
kiss. His lips seared mine with a passionate heat I had not expected. Desire flooded my body and I moaned as he brought me tighter against him.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time,” John whispered.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  JOURNAL ENTRY: December 24

  I had planned on going into the office despite the fact that it’s Christmas Eve, however, the roads still haven’t been plowed. John walked out to CR 695, which was finally cleared a few minutes after noon. My road is knee deep in snow, so I still can’t get out. I almost don’t care anymore.

  John and I seem to be avoiding each other, embarrassed by our brief intimacy last night. It was a wonderful, tender kiss that was filled with unspoken promises. Unfortunately, it has left a tension in the air.

  I asked him to gas up and start the generator so I could do some laundry. His clothes have been soaking long enough. I found a camouflage one-piece coverall that Eric left behind his last trip here for John to wear while I washed everything he’s been wearing the past few days. He has so few clothes. I need to find a way to get to the Eagle Beach house so John can get some of his own things.

  As I was hanging the heavier wet clothes on the drying rack by the stove the plow went by! At least everyone should be able to get here tomorrow.

  * * *

  “John, let’s go over some of the things that I’ve found necessary to adapt to without power,” I said while he sat attentively. “The generator can run the whole house provided we use only one 220 line, and that’s the well pump for water. The clothes dryer takes a great deal of power and puts too much of a strain on the generator and could possibly damage it, which we can’t risk.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “I’m keeping a pot for hot water on the stove at all times for dishes, washing, and whatever else we might need it for. If you use the pot, refill it and remember to wipe off the bottom so it doesn’t leave rings on the stove surface. If I think of anything else, I’ll mention it.”

  “Fair enough,” he said, giving me one of his shy smiles.

  * * *

  It was close to 4:00 P.M. when I heard the engine rumble of a car in the driveway. A surge of panic rose in my throat and I had a flashback to when Bill Harris showed up. It wasn’t him, of course. It was Jason. Out of the car came Amanda and Jacob. When I opened the door, Jacob ran up and flung himself into my arms. It was so good to see him!

  “Jason, Mandy, this is John Tiggs, a friend I’ve known for a long time. He’s staying with me now,” I added, making the introductions.

  “I’m glad you’re not alone here anymore, Mom. I’ve worried about you being on your own.” Jason shook John’s hand. “And I wonder if we could stay tonight too,” he asked.

  “Of course you can!” I said, before realizing the sleeping arrangements would have to be adjusted. “Just put your stuff in the computer room and make yourself a drink. John, can we talk for a minute?” When he came over, I said quietly, “I should have talked to you about this first, but I didn’t know that Jason would be here today and wanting to spend the night. Ummm…” I hesitated, “will you sleep in here tonight so they can have that room?” I gazed into his blue eyes, hoping he’d say yes, afraid he’d say no.

  “Allex,” he said softly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, “once you let me share your bed, it must be completely and nightly. I won’t go back to the couch once they leave. Are you okay with that?”

  I swallowed, hard, my voice gone and nodded. He obviously had thought about this for some time. Ready or not, our relationship instantly changed. When we walked back into the kitchen, John slid his hand into mine, and we officially became a couple.

  * * *

  “I was just getting ready to organize dinner. Are you hungry?” I looked from Jason to a much thinner Amanda. Jason had fixed himself what looked like rum and cola, Mandy had a glass of water and things seemed tense.

  “Oh, yeah,” Jason answered sullenly. “Yesterday, I ran out of that food you brought last week. I still had some ramen noodles for Jacob for this morning, but that’s why we came early. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course I don’t mind! Don’t be silly. You’re always welcome here. I was thinking of some chicken on pasta for dinner, there will be plenty for everyone.” I gave John’s hand a squeeze and let go, so I could collect items from the back pantry.

  Jason grilled Jacob a cheese sandwich and cut it up small. Jacob’s eyes lit up when he saw it and ate every last bite. Oh, my, the little guy was really hungry. My heart hurt for my grandson.

  “How would Jacob like some popcorn?” I looked at Jason. “And I know there are juice packs still in the pantry.”

  “Oh, I’m sure he would love some,” Jason was holding his emotions in check, but this bit of normalcy was taxing him.

  “John, would you start the generator again? It won’t be for long.” He grabbed his jacket and a flashlight.

  Once the power came up, Jason put a pack of popcorn in the microwave. When it was done, he put a second one in. “For later.” He grinned.

  The water I had put on for the pasta was boiling and I stirred the fettuccini in. “Mandy, would you stir this, please?” When she was close enough, I asked, “Where have you been? We’ve been so worried!”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, and turned her back on me, unwilling to share what had happened.

  The table was aglow with lamp light when we sat down to eat. By the time we were done, Jacob was already curled up on the futon, fast asleep. Jason pumped up the air-mattress, and everyone settled in for the night, exhausted from the busy day.

  As I snuggled up next to John, I could hear Jason and Amanda in the other room, arguing. I fell asleep troubled.

  * * *

  I stretched under the covers and bumped into something. Startled, I froze and then remembered that John was with me now. I turned slowly to see his blue eyes opened and amused.

  “Merry Christmas,” he said and kissed me lightly. I smiled, and kissed him back, deeper. “Easy, Allex,” he pulled away, “this is too tempting and I want our first time together when we’re completely alone.”

  Last night we slept. Just slept. I sighed, but agreed, and slipped out of bed.

  We woke to a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. The house was quiet but not cold like I thought it would be. Jason had gotten up during the night and put more wood in the stove.

  It was Christmas morning, and I was disappointed that I didn’t have a tree. There were no colored lights, but I could give my family love. Right now I think that mattered more than presents. Then I remembered I did have presents!

  I started a fresh pot of coffee, for which Amanda was very grateful. It might not have been up to her Starbucks standard, but it was more than she had had for a couple of weeks, and she sipped it with pleasure.

  Jason noticed I was limping and using a cane and wanted to know what happened.

  “It really was nothing. I forgot to salt down the steps and slipped when I was hauling in wood.”

  “And why were you hauling in wood?” Jason demanded, glancing over at John. John’s mouth tightened in defense and his chin rose just enough for me to notice.

  “Jason, I know you’re being protective, but this happened days before John got here. And since then, I haven’t lifted a stick of wood and he helps with all the chores.”

  John looked Jason in the eye and said, “Your mother can be a stubborn woman, can’t she?”

  I pouted, which made Jason laugh, since he knows I have a hard time sitting still for long. With the tension eased, I reinforced my support for John by slipping my arm through his. I could feel him relax. I sure don’t need Jason and John being at odds with each other. They are both so important in my life now.

  I passed out what few presents that I had from my early shopping in the fall. I apologized to John for having no gift for him, but he silenced me with his finger on my lips.

  “You’ve already given me the best gift possible
,” he smiled. “I’m sorry that I don’t have one for you.”

  He moved away to help set the leaf into the table before I could protest.

  * * *

  Jason retrieved the ham from the barn while John relit the stove. I convinced John to let Jason bring in wood because I needed him to help me in the back. John reluctantly gave up that one duty, “just for today”.

  My thoughts kept slipping into town. I haven’t been to the office since John arrived a few days ago. I’m sure things are going fine. If not, there is nothing that I could do anyway.

  It was 2:00 P.M. and the rolls were going into the oven when Bob and Kathy arrived.

  After introductions all around, I brought out a tray of deviled eggs that I had kept secret from everyone. Deviled eggs, cheese and crackers, plus some of the venison summer sausage that Jason and I made last fall were the appetizers I had selected.

  Bob was so happy with the little appetizer spread that he insisted on opening one of the six bottles of wine that they had brought.

  “How did you keep these crackers so fresh?” Kathy questioned while she munched a second piece, obviously enjoying the food.

  “As an experiment, I dry canned a few boxes of different kinds of crackers last summer. I wasn’t sure how they would turn out, but I’m happy with them. I only have a few jars, but this is a good occasion to use them,” I told her.

  “This is great! Will you marry me?” Bob asked jokingly after eating several appetizers, his favorite part of the meal.

  John immediately tightened his arm around my shoulders possessively and retorted, “She’s taken. She’s mine and you can’t have her!” He grinned.