Her mother placed her glass on the table. “I want to give you something.” She thrust the book she had brought with her into Hannah’s hands.
“What is this?”
“An unfinished dream,” her mother said as tears filled her eyes. “A young woman once wrote a story and never finished it.”
“You wrote a novel?” Hannah asked in shock as she opened the book. It had no title, but she flipped through the pages of fine penmanship until she reached the end. “Why did you not complete it?”
Her mother winced as if in pain and took Hannah’s hand. “My reasons do not matter. What does matter is, like you, I have always loved books. You may not believe this, but I also had a dream of publishing a book.”
Hannah gasped. “I never knew! Mother, that is wonderful!”
Her mother gazed at the fireplace. “It was a beautiful dream, I admit, but such aspirations were considered that of a wallflower.” She chuckled. “Perhaps I could have been considered a wallflower back in my younger years.”
Her mother, a wallflower? Hannah could not imagine her mother ever being thought of in such a manner. “I do not believe it,” she whispered. “Not you.”
Her mother smiled as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Oh, but it is true,” she said. “However, that is not the point. You see, when we put our words to paper, they are more than words that echo our heart. They are our dreams, our love, our passion transferred to the page.”
Hannah nodded. “I have thought of it in the same way,” she said, still unable to believe her mother had once felt as she.
“If you decide not to seek having your novel published, I will not force you to do so. However, you must finish your book. Do not give up on your dreams, for you will regret them forever.” The words were spoken with such pain, Hannah thought her heart would burst.
She sighed. “How can I write a story about love when I cannot experience such in life? A couple who is happy and in love? It does not exist, or at least it does not exist for me.”
“But it does. However, it is not easily attained. Will you at least think about completing it? Do what I never did and fulfill your dream.”
Hannah sat staring down at the book in her hands. If this was what her mother wanted for her, she would agree. “I will,” she replied.
When she attempted to return the book to her mother, the woman pushed it back. “No, you keep it. My gift to you.”
Hannah held the book against her breast. “Thank you,” she said. “I will cherish it.” They were silent for a moment, and she flipped through the pages once more. “Concerning your return journey? May I join you next week if I decide to do so?”
Her mother stood. “Forbes and I will be leaving Tuesday morning. You decide what you believe is best for you. But I ask one thing that you must do.”
“Yes, of course.”
“You spoke of John running away from his problems?”
Hannah nodded.
“As you have now seen, the past will catch up to you. If you believe leaving London will solve your heartache, then you may join us. However, do not do it simply to run away from your problems. But the decision is yours.”
Without another word, her mother left the room, and Hannah sat staring at the book. Perhaps her mother was right. Running away had not served John well, and it would do her no better.”
***
Rogue. That was the word that had defined John a good portion of his life. A man who sought his own pleasures without regard for what impact such actions would have on the women he pursued. A man who led any woman to believe his intentions were more than the simple kiss he received in return.
Love. That word described quite well his feelings for Miss Hannah Lambert. Never in his life would he had thought he would fall in love, and yet, here he was. And how much he wanted to watch that love grow!
Unfortunately, his actions from the past had finally caught up with him. If he were the only affected party, he could endure the consequences. However, the woman he loved had felt the repercussion of his mistakes, and that had been more than he could manage, for it had crushed his heart as much as it had hers.
When Hannah had said goodbye, he knew she intended it to be forever; that she wished to never see him again. That alone caused his heart to ache all the more. How he wished he would have told her the truth from the beginning. She was a kind, understanding woman, and surely she would have seen that he had changed from the rogue he once was. Now, however, it was too late.
The last few days since his world had come crashing down had crept by, each moment sluggish, and each time he thought of her was more agonizing than the time before. He had attempted to write letters, and each attempt failed to express the words he wished to share. None said enough, expressed enough, of his regret for what he had done.
The party at the home of his cousin was to be held the following evening. John had looked forward to attending, to be in Hannah’s presence the entire night. Now, he knew he would not be welcome. If he could have just a few moments with her, all would be well. If she had the opportunity to see what was truly in his heart, perhaps she would forgive him.
Sighing, he swept the paper off the desk, upturning the inkwell in the process. He paid it no heed. What good came with crying over spilled ink? He gave a weak chuckled at his mind’s attempt at humor; he was not in the mood for jokes.
The sound of raised voices had him turn toward the door. Who could be calling today? He was not expecting any guests, and he prayed that Mary and her mother had not returned.
As he rose from his chair, Chambers entered with a hasty bow. “His Grace…”
He was unable to finish the announcement as Laurence swept past the poor butler, his face red and scowling. The man was irate, indeed! Never had he seen his cousin so angry. John barely took notice of Chambers bowing and leaving the room. Somehow, he envied the butler.
Caution, that was what John needed to take at the moment. “If you would allow me to explain…”
Laurence reached out and grabbed John by the lapels and slammed him against the wall, forcing all his breath from John’s body. “You have broken that poor girl’s heart!” he shouted, his breath hot on John’s face. “I spoke of your honor, of your integrity, and Isabel believed me! You have shamed me beyond belief, beyond anything I could have ever fathomed!”
John struggled to regain his breath, but he managed to sputter, “I-I know! I am sorry! Please, let me explain!” Laurence narrowed his eyes. Was he readying himself to strike John? “Please! I beg of you! Just give me a moment and I will tell you everything.”
“You are family,” Laurence said in a low, seething tone, “therefore, I will listen. However, know this. You are never welcome at my home again! Is that clear?”
John nodded, and Laurence released him. He took a deep breath in an attempt to regain his composure. “Until the day I met Hannah, I was not a gentleman. In fact, I was a horrible excuse for a human being. I spent many hours in the company of women in a manner that I should not. I came to London to escape. You see, I had promised Lady Harding that I would marry her daughter.”
Laurence’s scowl deepened. “That is not a promise given lightly.”
“Yes, you are right,” John replied. “However, I was frantic and spoke out of turn.” He explained what had happened on that fateful day, which turned into a full-fledged confession of his life before meeting Hannah.
“Mary told me she has no interest in me, that, in fact, she has her sights on another man. Therefore, I sent her mother on a trail that would lead her to him. Mary will be happy, her mother will be pleased, and I will be free to return to Hannah. I swear on everything I have that I love her. Do you not see? The woman has changed me for the better!”
Laurence walked over to one of the wing backed chairs and placed his hands on the back. “Isabel changed me,” he said in a voice so low, John had to strain to hear. “I was a much different man than I am now.” He turned to face John. “What do you propose to
do?”
“I wish only to speak to Hannah once more. To bare my soul to her. If, after she learns the entire truth, she wishes to never see me again, I cannot lie, it will crush me. However, I swear upon my title of Marquess that I will never bother her, or anyone else, again. Regardless of her answer, I am finished with my old ways.”
“Do you truly mean this?”
“I do,” John replied as he drew himself up to his full height and jutted his chin. “I swear that if she rejects my apology, I will leave for the remainder of the season so there is no chance she is hurt further by seeing me again.”
Laurence seemed to study him for a moment. “You do love her,” he said. “I can see no lie.”
“That is because I do love her,” John said. He reached into his coat pocket. “It is why I wished to ask for her hand in marriage. That is, until…” He could not get himself to speak of the atrocity of what had happened one more time.
Laurence reached out and placed his hand on John’s shoulder, but this time it was not done in anger. “I apologize for my conduct,” he said. “You can understand my anger concerning Hannah.”
“Trust me; I understand,” John replied with a chuckle. “I would have done the same.”
“We are still family. At the worst of times, we must stand together. Therefore, this is what I propose you do.”
“Yes, anything,” John said eagerly. And it was the truth; he would do anything if it gave him the opportunity to speak to Hannah.
“Tomorrow evening, arrive late to the party. By that time, Hannah will be immersed in the goings-on. We will arrange for you to speak to her in private.” He pointed a finger at John. “You must swear to me you will be honest and tell her everything.”
“You have my word.”
Laurence squeezed his shoulder. “Very well, then. I shall see you tomorrow evening.”
John nodded, and as Laurence walked to the door, John called out to his cousin once more. “Thank you,” he said. “For believing in me when it seems no one else will.”
Laurence smiled. “Let us hope Hannah believes you, as well.”
A moment later, he was gone, and John returned to his desk, his thoughts on the party. This was his one and only chance to tell Hannah that he truly loved her. If she denied him, if she rejected him, he feared what life would be like without her.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The party had begun well over an hour earlier, and Hannah remained long enough to greet the guests before stealing away to her room. She tried her best effort to enjoy the festivities, but she could not fend off the loneliness she endured without John. Now, as she sat at the edge of her bed in the glow of the single candle, she allowed the memory of her last encounter with him to enter her mind.
The truth of the matter was, she had been unfair to John. Her heart had been broken, just as it was now, and her anger and hurt made her ignore his apology. Furthermore, when she had confronted him concerning Lady Oakley, he very well could have lied; however, rather than doing so, he had told the truth, even if it caused her pain. Or at least some variation of the truth, for what kind of woman would kiss a man of her own accord?
She sat up. Had it not been she who had initiated the kiss at the circus? Could it have been true that Miss Oakley had done the same? Even if it was true, however, that did not excuse what he had done to Miss Mary Harding. How could he promise marriage and then simply run off? So many questions! What she needed was to speak to him, now that the wound was not as fresh, in order to learn what exactly had transpired. Where it would go from there, she was uncertain, but it was a start.
The fact was, as much as her heart hurt, and although she had sworn off love—this time for good!—she had to admit that she still loved him. Would that love make her foolish enough to love him again? Her mind raced in confusion as a light tap came to the door and Isabel entered.
“Do you wish to remain here all night and leave me to care for our guests alone?” Isabel teased. She sat beside Hannah. “What are you doing here?”
“Thinking,” Hannah replied.
Isabel laughed. “Thinking? Thinking of what?”
Hannah sighed. “Of John and what we had. I do not know what to do concerning him.”
“Do you wish to see him again?”
“If only to learn the truth,” Hannah replied with a nod. “I cannot help but wonder if he is truly repentant of his deeds. That perhaps he has changed. I am unsure what to do.”
“Allow me to tell you a secret,” Isabel said. “Laurence went to speak to him yesterday, and he believes John is remorseful. He says he believes John’s actions in the past were not that of a gentleman, but that he is sincere in his repentance.”
Hannah could not help but smile as a glimmer of hope returned. “I hope that is true.”
“He will be in attendance tonight. Laurence told him that, if you are willing to listen, he may explain what happened. Is that what you want?”
Hannah thought of her dreams. There was a great risk of being hurt once again, but she needed this one last opportunity to hear what he had to say. “Yes, I am willing to listen.”
“Good,” Isabel said as she patted Hannah’s hand. “I shall see you in a moment downstairs.”
Hannah nodded, and when her sister left the room, she went to the mirror and smiled at her reflection. She had worn a new blue gown made of velvet with silver threading and white lace. Then her eyes fell on the new butterfly clip, and she added it to the elegant coiffure Sally had done for her. The sapphires twinkled in the light of the candle, and she smiled all the more. Tonight, she would speak to John and perhaps take another chance at love.
With the candle in hand, she made her way down the stairs, the sounds of talk and laughter floating from the ballroom down the hall on the ground floor. At the bottom step, she snuffed out the candle and placed it on a table. If her conversation with John did not go as planned, she would return to her room despite the gaiety of the party going on elsewhere.
When she turned, she gasped as she collided with Forbes.
“Forgive me, Miss Hannah,” he said as he placed his hands on her arms. “I did not hurt you, did I?”
“No,” she said with a small laugh as she brought her hand to her breast. “I did not hear you approach.”
His hands left her arms. “Your mother informed me that I will not be needed this evening; therefore, I am on my way to pour myself a small drink and then retire for the night. Is there anything I may get you before I go?”
She shook her head. “No, I believe I have all I need.” She placed her hands on her skirts. “Do you like my gown?” she asked with a wide grin. Then she leaned forward. “Do you see? It matches my new pin!”
“It is as beautiful as you, Miss Hannah,” Forbes said. “It is not a dress nor hairpin that makes it so, but rather what is in one’s heart.”
Hannah sighed at his words. “Thank you.”
He bowed and walked away, and she turned toward the ballroom. With each step, the sounds from within grew louder, and Hannah wondered if John had already arrived. Isabel had not said if he was here or not, only that he had said he would be here. She paused at the door and peered inside.
The room was magnificent, almost as grand as the ballroom at Scarlett Hall. It had brighter white walls and a massive chandelier with dozens of candles in gold holders. Dozens of women in the latest fashions spoke with men in the finest clothing, and her heart warmed when she saw Laurence speaking with another man. He had been a wonderful addition to the Lambert family, even if the truth was that Isabel was an addition to his. Regardless, he was a kind and generous man, and he made her sister very happy.
Her gaze fell on that sister and their mother, who stood speaking together and appeared happier than either of them had been in a long time. They did not remain together long, for Isabel, the ever-attentive hostess, was soon off to chat with other guests.
Then fear gripped her when her eyes fell on a figure beside a table that held a variety of food
s. There, standing alone, was Connor Barnet, and images of him accosting her in the alley popped into her mind of their own accord. She was finding breathing difficult, and now she wished she had told Isabel what the man had done. The manner in which he had held her, trapping her like a hound trapping a fox. The memories terrified her as much as they had that day, and she went to move behind a nearby fern only to have him look up and lock eyes with her.
He smiled, and she felt as if his eyes bore into her soul. For a moment she stood there frozen in place as he began to walk toward her, but she somehow found the courage to turn and run away.
She hurried past the stairs and slipped into the servants’ hallway. The area was dark, and she had to run her hands along the walls to make her way through in order to not trip along the way. How did the servants find their way? She could not stop the tears from sloshing over her lashes. What if he saw her enter the otherwise hidden hall? Would he pursue her once again?
The hall led to a door that opened to the small room where the servants rested and ate. It was empty now, as all the servants were otherwise engaged in serving the guests, but she hoped Forbes was still here.
“Forbes?” she called out in a loud whisper. Oh, please be here! “Forbes!” Her toe bumped against something, and she covered her mouth to stifle her cry. Just enough light came in from under the doorway for her to find a long table with heavy wooden chairs settled around it. She made her way toward the door but stopped when she heard footsteps coming from behind her.
A cool breeze washed against her arm, and she turned to see the outline of a door that led outside. Returning down the dark hallway was out of the question; who knew who had followed her? She could either go to the door with light trickling beneath it, which would startle the poor servants and force her to admit she had run when she should have gone straight to Isabel, or she could run outside and wait until the threat left. No one would be outside that she could frighten with her sudden appearance. Whoever was following her—she was certain someone had been following, and more than likely it had been Connor—that person would not believe she would have gone outside alone. Her reasoning made as much sense as a dog riding a horse, but it was the best she could do when her mind was in a panic.
Echoes of the Heart: Secrets of Scarlett Hall Book 2 Page 20
