Game On Askole (Coletti Warlords)

by Gail Koger

  “Whoa! They look like extras from some fourth-century samurai war movie,” I remarked.

  “No, more like zealot warriors on a mission from God.” Aunt Tess pointed at the metallic masks covering their noses and mouths. “How did they know they would need protection?”

  “Good question.” A cold thread of fear snaked up my back. “The Battle Commander’s security has been breached. I’m sensing more bad guys nearby.” I extended my psychic senses. “One of them is a woman with a few screws loose.”

  “The proper term is cuckoo, and her men are equally schizo. All their auras are dark and filled with rage.” My aunt swiped at the sweat suddenly rolling down her face. “Is it hot in here? Or is it me?”

  Oh hell. As grandma used to say, “When life throws lemons at you, make lemonade.” The warriors were about to find out what happened when an estrogen-depleted woman got angry. And it wasn’t pretty.

  As one, the warriors pulled their swords from their scabbards.

  Aunt Tess’s smile rivaled the Battle Commander’s. “Bring it.”

  Menopause was such a joy. One minute my aunt was a normal human being, the next she was an incarnation of Attila the Hun.

  “Might be a good idea to give Rho a holler.” I glanced around for something I could use as a weapon.

  Aunt Tess snarled. “We don’t need that bastard’s help. Do you doubt my abilities?”

  “No! Not at all,” I said soothingly, keeping an eye on the Genghis Khan clones who kept saying, “Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra.”

  My aunt shouted, “Shut the fuck up. You’re giving me a headache.”

  The clones rhythmically pounded their feet against the floor. “Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra.”

  She gave them the one finger salute. “Buzz off.”

  “Waewae tama-nur-ra,” the Genghis Khan copycats shouted and broke into an acrobatic dance with their swords.

  For a moment, I watched in openmouthed surprise. “You think the stasis chamber affected our psychics abilities? Maybe Detja sent them to entertain us.”

  “Not a chance. It kinda reminds me of one of those Maori tribal war dances.”

  “Ka nate whakatu. Tutu ngarahu. Waewae,” the warriors shouted, stomping their feet to some silent beat. They stopped abruptly and pointed their swords at us.

  I clapped loudly and hooted. “Great dance.”

  “I can do better.” Aunt Tess borrowed the Maori’s fierce tongue thrusts and added a touch of hip-hop. Smack. Clap. Stomp. Stomp. Clap. She spun, did a couple of roundhouse kicks, and broke into an Irish jig. “Die, fuckers.”

  I think the warriors were a bit startled. I know I was. “What was that?”

  “My version of a war dance,” Aunt Tess responded.

  The warriors pounded the floor with their feet again. “Ka nate whakatu tutu ngarahu. Waewae.”

  Aunt Tess stomped her boots, went through a series of karate kicks and punches, and finished with an energetic cowboy polka.

  Oh my God, this was turning into a dance-off. “Gotta say, you’ve got some good moves, Aunt Tess,” I remarked and turned to the warriors. “You boys could take lessons from her.”

  Three pairs of amber eyes glared at us, and they held out their left hands.

  “Do those jerks expect us to pay them?”

  I shrugged. “Who knows? Do you have any money?”

  “I do.”

  “Give it to them.”

  Aunt Tess reluctantly pulled a twenty from her pocket and held it out. “Here ya go, assholes.”

  The closest warrior turned the bill into confetti with his sword.

  I muttered, “Did we just insult them, because they seem to be getting a bit angry?”

  “Ya think?”

  The Genghis Khan clones repeated their dance and bellowed, “Ka nate whakatu. Tutu ngarahu. Ka nate whakatu. Tutu ngarahu. Waewae tama-nur-ra.”

  Aunt Tess broke into a boogie. “I’m a Marine. We improvise, adapt, and overcome. Oorah!”

  “Waewae tama-nur-ra.”

  “Oorah!”

  “Waewae tama-nur-ra.”

  “Oorah!”

  Oh, dear God. Enough already. Out of sheer desperation, I tried mind talk. “We really enjoyed the dance, but we’re not quite sure what ka nate khakatu tutu ngarahu means.”

  “We proclaim our promise to vanquish the vile destroyers,” the warriors yelled mentally, and in unison no less, as they hopped over and around their twirling swords. “Waewae tama-nur-ra. We are the death bringers.”

  “Okey-doke. Good to know.” I edged away from a spinning sword. “Who you plan on killing?”

  One warrior stepped forward. “You. Mistress Lilkee wants your heads.”

  “Me? Why?” Grabbing a chair, I blocked the warrior’s attempt to disembowel me. “I’ve never met Mistress Lilkee.”

  “You are vile destroyers,” the warrior answered, hacking the chair into pieces.

  Aunt Tess dodged a sword thrust. “What exactly are we destroying?”

  “Your foul blood will dilute the purity of the Coletti race.”

  With a backward leap, I avoided the slashing sword. “Hey, we would be more than happy to go back to Earth. We just need a lift,” I cried.

  “Waewae tama-nur-ra!” the smallest Genghis Khan wannabe screamed and threw his weapon into the air. The razor-sharp blade severed one of his antlers. The bony spike bounced off his shoulder and fell to the floor. Completely oblivious, the wannabe caught his sword, stepped on the antler, stumbled off balance, and slammed into another dancer. That dancer collided with the next dancer, who slipped on the antler and bam! Down they went in a tangle of arms and legs.

  “Gotta say these death bringers are a clumsy bunch,” I commented drily.

  Aunt Tess grabbed a sword and handed it to me. “Unlock the door. I’m gonna teach them a lesson they will never forget.”

  “You got it.” I sent a tendril of power into the lock. A muffled click sounded.

  Aunt Tess cracked her knuckles and rolled her head. “Ready?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Play time.” She threw open the door. A gazillion lime-green alien insects shot into the room. My aunt yelled, “Welcome to hell!” The flies swarmed the warriors, covering their eyes and climbing into their helmets.

  “Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee!” In a desperate attempt to escape the biting horde of creepy-crawlies, the warriors thrashed wildly on the floor.

  To my utter astonishment, they locked their helmets’ antlers together. The more they yanked, the worse it got. “Wasn’t there a vid of two deer with their antlers locked on the Internet?”

  “I think it was two moose that got tangled up. Too bad we don’t have our phones. I’d love to post this.”

  The warriors’ cries grew louder and louder. “Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! “Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee! Aiieeeee!”

  Aunt Tess snickered. “Dumbasses. All they have to do is remove their helmets.”

  “Yup. They’re piss-poor assassins.”

  Voss and Rho teleported into the room. They watched the Genghis Khan wannabes’ struggles in disbelief.

  The Battle Commander fastened an annoyed gaze on Aunt Tess. “Send the sand flies away.”

  Aunt Tess twirled a finger. The sand flies buzzed Rho’s head three times before flying out the door.

  Rho growled deep in his chest. “Do you have a death wish, female?”

  “Your security has been penetrated. These idiots were sent to kill us, and you have more assassins roaming nearby,” I quickly inserted.

  Rho’s expression was downright terrifying.

  Voss raised an eyebrow. “They told you that?”

  “Are you calling us liars?” Aunt Tess gasped in outrage.

  “They said Mistress Lilkee wanted us dead because our foul blood will dilute the purity of the Coletti race,” I informed Voss angrily. He had totally ignored my warning about the other wannabes. So be it
. It was his butt.

  The Genghis Khan wannabes stopped wailing, noticed the Battle Commander, and with sheer blind panic in their eyes, they went for their laser pistols.

  Before their weapons could even clear their holsters, the Battle Commander and his sidekick stunned them.

  I tried to imagine Voss and Rho in ten-gallon hats, leather chaps, and spurs. With their fast draw, they would have done well in the Old West.

  An instant later, Azeus and Wapi, our two Coletti admirers, teleported into the room. This time they were wearing their black battle suits and weapons.

  I waved at them all friendly like. “Hi, guys. Back so soon? Gotta say, you sure look different with your clothes on. Got your gag reflexes under control?”

  The Battle Commander’s head snapped around. “What did you just say?”

  “Uh. Hi, guys.”

  The Battle Commander smiled his scary-ass sociopath’s smile. “When did you meet them?”

  I glanced at my aunt. “Would you say about ten minutes ago, Aunt Tess?”

  “Sounds about right,” my aunt agreed.

  A vein bulged on the Battle Commander’s forehead, and he snapped something in a language I assumed was the Coletti native tongue.

  Our grossed-out suitors immediately dropped to one knee and answered him in the same language.

  It sucked not knowing what they were saying.

  Rho’s hand settled on his sword. “Did they touch you?”

  I started laughing. “Are you kidding me? They were too busy puking.”

  “You can’t kill them because they’re horny,” Aunt Tess protested.

  A murderous rage simmered in Rho’s eyes. “They violated protocol.”

  “You need to relax, big guy. Your muscles are all tensed up, and if you keep grinding your teeth that way, you gonna break a fang.” I held my arms out to Rho. “A hug will fix you right up.”

  My aunt stared at me like I had lost my mind. On our private link, she shrieked, “Hugs?”

  “A new way to drive them nuts.”

  An evil grin curved my aunt’s mouth, and she opened her arms too. “C’mon, give us a hug, sugar.”

  Rho bared his fangs at us. “Warlords do not hug, nor do we need them.” He ripped the helmet off a wannabe and threw the unconscious warrior over his shoulder.

  “Positive, sure? Kinda think you need one, Rho,” I said, using my best Debbie Sunshine voice.

  “If I need to be touched, I will visit a pleasure house, where the females do not smell like the dead.” Rho teleported away.

  “Well, that was rude,” Aunt Tess said.

  “Quit tormenting my warriors,” Voss bellowed.

  “Aw, sounds like you need a hug too.”

  “How would you like to go back into stasis?” There was a remorseless menace in his gaze.

  “Not necessary, sir.” I eased closer to Wapi and Azeus.

  All the color left their faces. Making retching noises, they grabbed the remaining wannabes and vanished.

  “You did that on purpose,” the Battle Commander stated, his voice low and deadly.

  I put a hand to my chest. “Who, me?”

  “You are as devious as Kaylee.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  Voss smiled, a flash of white teeth that was all predator. “You seem to forget Coletti warriors like a challenge.”

  “And you seem to forget we are at war with the Coletti race,” Aunt Tess countered.

  “Surrender is not in our vocabulary,” I reminded him.

  “You will find Detja a worthy opponent.”

  My stomach clenched in horror. “Wait! What does Detja have to do with this?”

  “While the Overlord is away, she is the supreme commander,” Voss answered.

  Crap!

  My Aunt looked worried too. “No one minds a woman running things?”

  “Detja is a very powerful warrior. She can defeat even me,” the Battle Commander stated.

  I laughed. “Get out! There’s no way.”

  “A word of warning. Anyone foolish enough to challenge her ends up dead.” A grim smile formed on Voss’s mouth.

  Huh? Was the Battle Commander telling the truth? My inner lie detector said he was, but I’d bet it was the Overlord doing all the killing. Or was he?

  Detja appeared in the room. Her eyes glittered with rage. “Is it true?”

  “Yes, my lady. Lilkee sent some of her legionnaires to execute the Jones females,” Voss acknowledged.

  Detja turned to survey us. “Yet you are unharmed.”

  “Lilkee needs to hire better henchmen,” I answered.

  My aunt blurted out, “They can’t dance worth a shit either.”

  “They did the death bringer dance?” Detja didn’t seem surprised.

  I grinned. “Oh yeah. With some fancy swordplay too.” I did a series of parries and cuts with my sword.

  “Give it to me,” Voss demanded.

  Boy, was I tempted. I mean, he asked for it.

  Detja reached out and took the sword from me. “He’s wearing a battle suit. The sword will not penetrate it.”

  “Too bad.”

  “I think I have a solution to your rotting corpse smell.” Detja hurled the sword. It penetrated the wall and vibrated wildly.

  Color me impressed. “What is it?”

  “A quart of three percent hydrogen peroxide, a quarter cup of baking soda, and a handful of zing soap.”

  Aunt Tess frowned. “Didn’t Grandma use something like that when Baxter got sprayed?”

  “Yeah, but she added tomato juice to the mixture.”

  Voss practically thundered, “You knew how to get rid of the smell and didn’t say anything?”

  “Well, sweetie, you never asked,” I answered in my Debbie Sunshine voice.

  The Battle Commander’s left eye twitched madly.

  “Sarah is correct. We didn’t properly question them,” Detja pointed out, stepping in front of me to stop Voss from wringing my neck. “I was told you have found your true mate.”

  “She is a clever one. She hides her presence, but I have tracked her to the human’s military base in Tucson,” Voss said smugly.

  What an arrogant bastard. “Did Central Command lock her up too?”

  “I believe her to be a Siren, but she is not one of your warriors,” Voss replied.

  “Since the Tai-Kok and Rodan found our planet, every man, woman, and child is now a warrior. If you don’t fight, you die. Believe me, she’s a warrior,” Aunt Tess stated.

  I snickered derisively. “If she’s hiding her powers, who knows, she might be able to kick your butt.”

  “Impossible,” the Battle Commander declared flatly.

  “Never underestimate a female. I taught the Overlord that lesson. You would do well to remember it. I want Lilkee found. Now.” Detja’s tone rivaled a drillmaster’s.

  Voss did a fist-on-chest salute and inclined his head. “As you command, my lady.”

  “The hostiles are two clicks to the west in a cavern filled with funky glowing worms,” I advised the Battle Commander.

  Voss bristled. “My warriors have them under surveillance.”

  “No, they don’t.”

  “Sarah is a Siren. You would be wise to check, Commander,” Detja advised coolly.

  He vanished.

  What a constipated twit.

  Detja grinned at me.

  Yikes! Was she reading my mind?

  “Who the hell is Lilkee?” Menopause made my aunt fearless.

  “She is the Overlord’s daughter. The fool believes herself to be superior to my son, Talree. She thinks she is strong enough to defeat him in battle and become the Overlord’s successor.” A terrible rage filled Detja’s gaze.

  I knew without a doubt if Detja had her way, Lilkee would find herself in a shallow, unmarked grave. “Can she defeat Talree?”

  “No. My son’s powers rival his father’s.”

  “And Lilkee’s don’t?” My aunt was full of questions.


  “A child could defeat her. In her quest to rule Tanith, she merged her legionnaires with Malik’s warriors,” Detja said contemptuously.

  Now it was my turn to inquire. “And Malik is?”

  “The Overlord’s oldest son. A vile monster who had Talree imprisoned, beaten, and starved. Without Kaylee’s intervention, he would have become feral.”

  Before I could ask, the image of a feral formed in my mind. What had once been a Coletti warrior was now a slobbering beast. It had glowing red eyes, tusk-like fangs, and six-inch talons. It made Godzilla look like a pussycat.

  “Malik wants to build an army of ferals. These mindless creatures have only one purpose. To kill. He was ready to unleash them on his own family. The Overlord, Talree, and Kaylee put a stop to Malik’s plans.”

  Family was everything. To kill your own flesh and blood was the height of depravity. “If you need help putting Malik down, I offer my services.”

  My aunt added, “Exterminating evil is what we do best. Oorah.”

  “I will take your offer to the Overlord.” Detja held her hands out to us. “Come. Your bath has been prepared.”

  We took her hand. There was a split second of blackness before we appeared in a large bathing room.

  Four women wearing long red gowns stood next to an enormous sunken tub filled to the brim with green water.

  “My attendants have been instructed on the proper way to eliminate the smell. Disrobe,” Detja ordered.

  I toed off my boots and peeled off my filthy jumpsuit. The smell coming from the tub was heavenly. A mixture of flowers with just a hint of peroxide. God, I hoped this worked.

  The women grimaced as they got a good whiff of us.

  “Sorry, ladies. I know we smell like a week-old corpse.” I climbed into the tub and groaned as the hot water eased my aches and pains. “The water’s perfect, Aunt Tess.”

  My aunt quickly stripped down and joined me. The attendants knelt down, poured a thick red liquid over us, and started scrubbing. I had to admit, being bathed was an uncomfortable experience, but the scalp massage was to die for.

  I mentally eavesdropped on the women, and boy, did I learn a lot. Detja was the most feared female on Tanith, and she had hot monkey sex with Zarek as often as possible. The women giggled about the Overlord’s staying power. His snake could remain hard for hours.