Beautiful Illusions

by Annie Jocoby

  I waited for him to go on. I was trying to absorb this, all that I could, trying to understand him so that I knew the best way to help him.

  “So, I’m trying to work through this the best that I can.”

  What a crazy bitch.

  The waiter came around for our order. I had already told Ryan what it was that I wanted to order, so Ryan ordered for me, like he usually does.

  “The lady will have the chicken parmesan, and I will take your Spaghetti Carbonara. The lady will also have a Caesar salad, and I will have your house salad.”

  “Very good.”

  After the waiter left, Ryan looked at me. “So, how are you liking your accommodations?”

  “Oh, my god! I’m loving it! I could never afford this room in a million years for even one night, and I can’t believe that I get to stay there for 14 days and nights! It’s also a lot of fun driving the Volvo. It sure beats my usual jalopy. Alexis must have spent a pretty penny for all of this!”

  Just then it occurred to me that Alexis didn’t pay for all of it, or any of it, for that matter. I narrowed my eyes. “Wait a second. She didn’t pay for all of this. You did.”

  He looked embarrassed. “Uh, I didn’t want you to feel obligated to me. But I also wanted to make sure that I made it worth your while to come out here. Alexis did make the arrangements, but I paid for it. Sorry for the ruse.”

  I felt a little speechless. I did feel obligated to him now, but, at the same time, I had to rearrange my life to come out here, so I guessed that we were even.

  I put my hand on his. “Thank you very much for the room and the car.”

  “Thank you very much for coming out here to be with me.”

  He took a deep breath. Several of them, in fact. He appeared to be shaking a little as well. “Uh, I have another confession to make to you.”

  I nodded, covering his hand with my hand again.

  “Uh, I actually ended up at the Beverly Hills place because I, uh, had a major relapse with the drugs.” He looked ashamed. “When the memories started coming back so quickly and so strongly, I went back to my crutch from before. Before I knew it, I was right back into it.” He sighed. “I was somehow able to catch myself before it got too far, because I knew that after a week of getting high that I had to get back into rehab.” He looked at me with pleading eyes. “I hope that you can handle all of this.”

  I looked into his eyes sincerely, my hand covering his. “Ryan, you’re very brave. You couldn’t help what happened to you in the past, when you were a little boy and an adolescent. You can help what happens to you today, and I think that you are amazing for helping yourself. A lot people would just keep going on with the drugs after having a relapse, and would OD or just keep going down the addiction road. You aren’t doing that, and, for that, I think you’re my hero.”

  He smiled, then stared at me for a little while, with compassion and love in his expression. I blushed and looked away, as I always do when he gazes at me intently. His eyes are too intense for me to look into for any period of time. He blinked a few times.

  The waiter was back, pouring some more water. I ordered another glass of wine, and Ryan got another Scotch.

  “I wish that I could go back to the room with you,” he said.

  I smiled. “And have your way with me?”

  “It’s been way too long. Way too long. Way.too.long.”

  I smiled. “Yes, it has. It certainly has.” But I got a little serious. “But you’re raw right now. I don’t want to confuse things. Maybe being physical isn’t want you need right now.”

  “Maybe not. You’re right about that. I’m getting confused about sex, because I’m realizing how much it was used as a weapon against me for so long. That’s one of the things that I’m trying to work through while I’m here. But I’d like to sleep with you. Just sleep and hold you like before.”

  “That would be nice.”

  “Uh, I know that you have a beautiful room and all, but if you could spend the night with me, it would mean a lot.”

  I nodded. “Is that okay to do?”

  “I already checked to make sure. You can stay with me tonight. I can have one overnight guest a week.”

  I smiled. The food arrived.

  “This chicken parmesan is divine. Here, taste some.” I put some of my chicken parmesan on his plate, and he put some of his spaghetti carbonara on mine. I tried the carbonara. “Delicious! We will have to remember this place for later.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, this is an excellent place. Cute, too. I’m really digging the décor.”

  As was I. We clinked glasses.

  That night, I spent the night with him in his room. He clung to me tightly the entire night, more tightly than ever before. It was a little uncomfortable for me, physically, as I felt like I was being smothered. One of his arms was wrapped around my neck, and another around my waist. His face was buried in my hair. But he didn’t talk in his sleep that night, and he slept soundly.

  I wish that I could say the same.

  I woke up the next day, feeling almost like I’d be taking the walk of shame. I’d have to walk past the other patients to leave the building.

  Ryan wanted to have breakfast with me before I left, though. Then he said “Uh, my counselor would like to meet with you. I explained that you were the person who was going to be with me most of the time when I am in recovery. So, she wants to tell you a few things.”

  “Sure. What time?”

  “Right after breakfast would be good.”

  “Of course.”

  We made our way down to the cafeteria. The food there was excellent, not at all like the kind of food that you might associate with a mental health/rehab facility. I ordered eggs benedict, suddenly feeling famished. Ryan got blueberry pancakes with eggs and turkey bacon. Both of us also ordered orange juice.

  After breakfast, we made our way up to his counselor’s office. The counselor was a woman in her 50s, with wild, curly black hair and glasses. She was attractive in a stereotypically librarian sort of way. She was dressed in black dress pants, a lavender silk top, and had on Christian Leboutin shoes.

  “Dr. Silver, this is my girlfriend, Iris.” Back to being just a girlfriend, huh?

  She reached out her perfectly manicured hand, and I shook it. “It is good to meet you. Please sit down.” She articulated every word.

  I sat down in the large leather chair. Ryan sat in another leather chair. I wished that there was a love seat that both of us could sit on.

  She addressed me. “I understand that you are living with Ryan?”

  “Yes.” It went without saying that I would be moving back in with him when I got back into Kansas City.

  “We like to have these meetings with the support system, to give you some understanding of what to expect.”

  I nodded.

  “The first thing that you need to know is that Ryan will not be taking any kind of prescription medication. That was his choice, and it was determined that he does not need any kind of prescription medications. So, you will not have to worry about making sure that he is med compliant.”

  That is a relief.

  She went on. “Ryan has experienced trauma, as I am sure that he told you. He is going through post-traumatic stress. He wanted me to make sure that you would be able to handle the issues which might crop up.”

  I silently waited for her to continue.

  “There might be nightmares, avoidance behaviors, emotional outbursts. He might be hyper-vigilant about certain things. There is a chance that he might experience anger and severe depression. We are going to monitor this, and I have contacted his therapist back home. She is giving him a referral to a psychiatrist who might be able to prescribe some medication if he experiences periods of profound depression. Right now, Ryan does not want to take medication - he feels that he is strong enough to handle this on his own, but he is open to it in the future if it becomes necessary. Also, Ryan might experience persistent flashbacks. Additional memories m
ay flood him at any time. Any further contact with Rochelle should be strictly prohibited until he is stronger and more able to deal with what happened to him.”

  Ryan looked at me. “I hope that you can handle all of this.”

  “Of course. I won’t let you down again.”

  He looked relieved.

  Of course, I had practice handling people who were having problems. My sister had suffered from bi-polar disorder for most of her life, so angry outbursts and suicidal depression had been something that I have experienced since as long as I could remember. Plus, I have made friends who have mental disabilities, because I went through support groups with my sister and made friends through this group. One of the women whom I befriended, in particular, would go from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. She would be nice as pie one moment, and the very next moment she would be screaming at the top of her lungs, right out in the driveway, in front of the neighbors. It was literally as if a flip was switched, and she was off to the races.

  I also had boyfriends who had anger issues. One guy berated me, verbally abusing me at a hockey game that he was playing in. I had driven out to him because he had forgotten his water bottle, so I had driven out to give him his water bottle at 10 o’clock at night. I was already in my pajamas when he called. I got dressed, drove out there and waited in the stands for a break in the action when I could give him his water bottle. He apparently wanted me, however, go meet him in the dugout area (or whatever that area is called where the hockey players wait). Not knowing this, I waited patiently. At some point, he threw off his helmet and screamed at me at the top of his lungs, calling me stupid and cussing me out, just because I didn’t know to go to the dugout area to give him his water. The people in front of me in the stands looked at me like “are you going to take that bullshit?” I was mortified, to say the least. I left without a word, after throwing the water bottle at him.

  He called later, not to apologize, but to make sure that his dog was ok in my care, because I was getting ready to dog-sit his dog for a week when this happened.

  He never did apologize, but defended his actions, like it was my fault. And, unfortunately, he was one of many with uncontrollable anger issues.

  I was a magnet for those types of guys.

  So, yes, I had experience dealing with emotional jerks. Not that I was relishing the role again, but Ryan was special enough to me by now that I knew that I had to come through for him. He couldn’t help what had happened to him, and he needed me right now. Again, I wondered why he chose me, but, the fact of that matter was, he did choose me, so I was going to act like someone who was going to be his permanent person.

  I was brought back from my reverie. Ryan was looking at me. “Is that ok?”

  Oh, god, I was spacing out. What were they talking about?

  I nodded. “Yes.” To what I was saying yes to, I didn’t know.

  “Good. Then you don’t mind moving back in right away.”

  Phew. That was something that I would have said “yes” to anyhow. “Of course not.”

  He smiled, and squeezed my hand.

  I looked at the counselor. “Now, uh, about the drug situation.”

  The counselor looked at me, then at Ryan, then back at me. “Ryan and I are having an issue with that. Ryan, why don’t you tell Iris what the issue is here.”

  Ryan nodded. “The counselor here doesn’t like that I’m friends with Alexis, because Alexis always has relapses with her drug issues.”

  The counselor looked at me. “Iris, what do you think about that?”

  “Well, I like Alexis, a lot. She’s really a nice girl when she is, uh, sober and not manic.”

  To this, Dr. Silver said “That’s not the point. The point is, she is a bad influence. Ryan needs to make sure that he changes his playground and his playmates, and Alexis was always Ryan’s main playmate when it comes to drugs. And Alexis was the one who made him relapse in the first place.”

  I said “I don’t understand. Ryan told me that he relapsed because of the memories flooding back after seeing Rochelle, and that Alexis actually intervened and made sure that he got help here.”

  Ryan looked at me. “Yes, but honey, remember that I relapsed that one time with her because she was threatening suicide unless I shot up with her? I didn’t do it anymore after that, until I saw Rochelle, but Dr. Silver thinks that that incident was the catalyst for me getting back into using. I got a ‘taste’ for the drug again that night, so Dr. Silver thinks that was the main reason why I turned to it again.”

  I thought about it. I was really warming up to Alexis. She had become a friend, and she did make the arrangements for me to come out here, even if Ryan was actually the one who paid for everything. I would be sad if Ryan had to cut her off, and it seemed that Ryan was good for her, too. Ryan had made sure that she got help, herself. But, once again, this is not about me. This is about him, and if Dr. Silver says that Alexis should be cut off, then Alexis should be cut off.

  “Well, uh, if Dr. Silver thinks that Alexis should be persona non grata then I guess that is how it is going to have to be.”

  Ryan looked defeated. Alexis had been in his life since they were 13. He had known her for 20 years. Plus, Alexis might just start her crazy shit all over again, threatening him and coming over, pounding on the door, higher than a kite. I started to think that there was wisdom in keeping her around myself, on our terms as opposed to her terms. If he cut her off, she would be coming around on her terms, not ours, and that is not a pretty sight.

  So, I looked at Dr. Silver. “Uh, is there any way that Alexis can remain Ryan’s friend? I mean, she’s been around Ryan for 20 years, and, uh, she’ll just come over, anyway, even if Ryan doesn’t want her to.”

  Dr. Silver stated emphatically “I understand that she comes over unannounced. I suggested that Ryan obtain a restraining order against her.” She looked meaningfully at Ryan “Of course, it is completely your free will and choice. But you know my position on it.”

  “I do,” Ryan said. “And I will make up my own mind. I did want Iris’ input, but it seems that she’s not really sure what to do, either.”

  Guilty as charged. Being definitive was never my strong suit.

  Dr. Silver looked at both of us disapprovingly. Her look to me said “I can already tell that you’re not going to be what he needs if you can’t even back me up on this.”

  I suddenly felt three inches tall.

  Dr. Silver stood up, and looked at her watch. “Well, I think we’re done here. Do you have any questions, Ms. Snowe?”

  “I, uh, no. Not right now.”

  “That’s fine. We will probably have another meeting before Ryan leaves.”

  “Uh, I’m only going to be in town through next week. I think that Ryan is here for another week after that.”

  To this, Ryan said “Actually, I’m going to be leaving with you. I think that I’m getting what I need here, so I’d like to leave a week early. Besides, you don’t have transportation home, and I would love to fly you on my plane.”

  Oh, yes, the private plane. That should be fun. “Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want you to cut anything short.”

  Dr. Silver was now boring holes in both us. If looks could kill….

  Dr. Silver turned to Ryan. “Could I have a word with Ms. Snowe in private, please?”

  Ryan nodded, and left the room. I suddenly felt like a bad child who was about to be scolded, or a bad employee who was about to be fired. I shuddered, remembering my firing when I was 22 years old and fresh out of college.

  The feeling now was just like that feeling.

  There was no beating around the bush. “Ms. Snowe, I hope that you’re taking this whole thing seriously. This isn’t a time to play house and give him what he wants. You need to be the adult here, and make sure that he only does things which are in his best interest. Not yours, his. You need to stop thinking of yourself and think about him.”

  I was stunned. I wasn’t aware that I was only thinking of m
yself. “I, I, I….” I couldn’t find the words. I was instantly ashamed. “I, I am s-s-s-s-orry, I did-did-didn’t think that I w-w-w-as only thinking of m-m-myself,” I said. God, this woman is intimidating.

  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

  She raised an eyebrow. “You have to tell Ryan either that you will stay an extra week, or that you will leave without him, but he has to stay the entire 30 days. That last week is very important for his recovery.”

  I nodded assent.

  “And you have to discourage him from seeing Alexis. She is going to pose problems for his recovery and may even trigger a relapse. From what Ryan tells me, Alexis is unstable on the best of days, and she often relapses herself.”

  I nodded again. That’s true. But she doesn’t understand that Alexis just comes over whenever she feels like it. She also probably doesn’t understand that Alexis is prone to blackmailing Ryan when things aren’t going right.

  We sat staring at each other for a few minutes. Then she spoke. “I hope that I have made myself clear.”

  I nodded. “Crystal.”

  Then she nodded, picked up some paperwork and started writing. I wasn’t sure if she was writing something for me, or if she just abruptly, and rudely, started on other paperwork as a way to have me leave.

  I soon found out that it was the latter situation.

  She looked up from her paperwork. “You can leave whenever you feel like it.”

  “Oh, oh, okay. Uh, bye.” I left, and she never glanced back up from her paperwork.