Beautiful Illusions

by Annie Jocoby

  I started to worry. Was I dying? My life seemed to be flashing before my eyes. It was like God was showing me some of my favorite memories, or at least memories that were previously lost to me, such as the Twin Towers. What if I couldn’t come out of the coma?

  I was back at the hospital bed again. Ryan and Alexis were arguing.

  “Ryan, it’s been two months. You have to come back and join the living. Everybody’s worried about you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m here in the living. In case you haven’t noticed, she isn’t dead.”

  “I know, but every day that she’s like this makes it more unlikely that she’ll come back. You have to accept this.”

  “I’ll do nothing of the sort. I’m not going to give up on her.”

  “You may not have the choice.”

  “Meaning?”

  “You might have to say goodbye to her.”

  “Oh, and wouldn’t that be convenient for you? Then you can have another chance, is that what you’re thinking?”

  “Of course not! Number one, I like her too, if you didn’t forget. And number two, things are going pretty good with Todd.”

  Todd was the guy that Alexis had started seeing before I became like this.

  “Well, I’m glad that things are going well with Todd. Why don’t you go and see him and leave me alone?”

  “Because I care about you, and I know that you need a friend.”

  Just then, I heard another voice in the room, a male voice. Alexis addressed the new guy. “You talk to him. He might listen to you more than he would me.”

  “Hey Ryan, buddy,” the new guy said.

  “Nick, if you're here to say anything negative, I swear to god, I will get in your face.”

  “Nothing negative, but you need to take a break here. You haven’t been at work for the past two months, and everybody is concerned.”

  “I’ve taken a leave of absence for an indefinite period of time. If they fire me, they fire me. I don’t really care about that right now.”

  “Ok, then, let’s at least go down to the cafeteria and get something eat, ok?”

  Oh, so this is the infamous Nick? His voice was very nice, very deep and masculine. He sounded like a jock for some reason, and I could imagine that he was. After all, he was also on the football team in high school and he also rowed with Ryan. I knew this because I saw Nick in Ryan’s yearbooks. Nick was a very good-looking guy from the pictures, and his voice matched his image very well.

  I heard them leave the room. I concentrated on trying to open my eyes or moving some of my muscles.

  After what seemed like forever, Ryan and Nick were back. “I do feel a bit better,” Ryan was saying. “Thanks for coming by and taking me to the EBT.”

  EBT was the restaurant by the St. Joseph’s Hospital, so I now knew which hospital I was in. That was a good thing. I felt more oriented to time and space now that I knew where I was.

  “Not a problem, buddy, but I’d like it if you would spend the night with me and Rielle. I know that you don’t want to go home to your empty house, which is why I’m making this offer now. Hell, you could even move in with us until she wakes up.”

  “You always come through for me, but no. I need to be here for her when she comes to.”

  “Suit yourself. You know where to find me.” Then he left.

  Ryan sighed. “Iris, you have to come out of this. I’m cracking up without you. I can’t go home because I see you there, everywhere I look. So I’ve been staying here, night and day. This hospital is now my home. So, please come back to me. I need you. I need you. I need you.”

  He was crying softly. My heart went out to him, so I tried, once more, to move something, so that he won’t give up on me. A finger, move a finger. It was a herculean effort, but I could feel my finger moving!

  Ryan felt it too!

  “Oh my god! Collette, Collette!” He was shouting down the hall. “Where is Collette?”

  Then a voice outside the room. “Collette’s off duty, can I help you?”

  “Get Dr. Maris. Hurry. Iris moved her finger!”

  Then he was back. I must’ve been resuming consciousness, because I opened my eyes and finally saw Ryan. He was smiling bigger than I had ever seen him smile. His face was close to mine. His hand was clutching my hand so tightly that I thought the circulation would be cut off. He was blurry at first, but gradually came into focus.

  “You’re awake! “ He had tears in his eyes. Then he was on his iPhone. He was apparently calling my mother because he addressed the person on the other line - “Hello, Charlene? She’s awake!” A pause. “A few minutes ago. Get here now!”

  “Your parents are on their way. Hopefully they’ll call your friends, too.”

  I nodded, literally unable to speak. A doctor was soon in the room.

  “How are you feeling?” The doctor asked me.

  I shook my head and motioned to my neck and mouth.

  “Don’t worry, your speech will come back. There had not been any brain damage, so everything will come back to you in time.”

  My mouth was in a straight line now, and I was shaking. I wanted to speak so badly, so I attempted that. “Day is this time?” I was vaguely aware that this sentence did not make any sense.

  However, Ryan understood me perfectly.

  “Today is March 13. You’ve been away from us for two months.”

  I nodded my head. Then I felt my stomach and legs with my hands. I felt different. My belly was concave and my legs were quite a bit smaller. I felt little musculature in either area. I looked at Ryan quizzically.

  “You lost about 35 pounds, I would estimate,” he said.

  In spite of myself, I smiled. I was always wanting to lose weight, now I did it. What a way to do it, though.

  “Will it be hard for her to walk?” Ryan asked Dr. Maris.

  “For a while it will, because she’s lost a lot of muscle. She’ll have to go to rehab to build that back up.”

  “That’s not a problem at all, I can take her to her rehab every day.”

  I looked at him. I knew that he was at my bedside pretty much 24/7 since I became like this, and I worried about his job. I croaked the best I could “Job you to go.” I nodded my head at him eagerly.

  He looked at me. “Love, it isn't a problem for me to bring you.”

  I shook my head violently. “Go job you, mom every day me bring,” I said, pointing to him. Once again, I nodded my head eagerly while smiling big.

  “We’ll talk about that later.” He suddenly did not look happy. He narrowed his eyes at me, and turned to the doctor. “What time will she have to be at rehab?”

  “I’ll have to arrange that, and I’ll let you know.”

  At this point, my parents were in the room along with my sister. My mother saw me sitting up in the bed and broke down crying.

  I looked at her. “Cry?”

  “I’m just so relieved that you’re awake,” my mom said,

  My sister said “We were so afraid that....”

  To this Ryan said “I wasn't afraid. I knew that you’d make it.”

  I smiled big, trying to lighten the mood. “Good skinny got I.” I nodded my head at everybody. Nobody seemed very pleased about that, though. I figured that my sister, at least, would appreciate this.

  The doctor was explaining everything to them. My speech would probably come back on its own, but my muscles had atrophied to the point where I would need physical rehabilitation.

  Ryan piped up. “I can install a home gym, that’s not a problem. You’ll give me some exercises that she’ll need to do, right?” I actually had always wondered why Ryan didn't already have a home gym, for he always worked out at the local gym. I always guessed that was his personal time away from me, which was fine. Now he would apparently put in a home gym, and if I know Ryan, he’ll get the very top of the line of everything.

  “Sure, at her first rehab session they’ll go over all of that with you.”

  He l
ooked at me anxiously. “Can I talk to you outside?” he asked the doctor.

  I shook my head violently. “No. Doctor here you talk.”

  He gave me a look, but talked to the doctor in front of me. “Uh, are you sure that her speech will come back ok?”

  “Yes, it’s very common for coma patients to have some degree of aphasia for a little while after they wake up. It usually comes back on its own with time.”

  He looked relieved, but I could still read anxiety on his face. Inwardly, I wondered if he would still love me if I couldn't speak properly. In spite of myself, I started to cry.

  Ryan was concerned. “What’s wrong my love?”

  “Love you.”

  “I love you too.” He still looked concerned. “But what’s wrong?”

  “Speak me love me not?”

  “Of course, of course, beautiful. You’ll speak fine, but even if you don't, I’ll always love you.”

  I tried to feel relieved, but couldn't.

  My mother was still crying, my father and sister were looking worried, and Ryan was just staring at me. I felt self-conscious.

  “Sleep need I.” I wasn't really all that tired, but I couldn't stand everybody looking scared and worried around me. I was feeling pretty scared myself, so I wanted everybody to seem encouraging to me. I also thought that maybe my speech would come back later and everything would return to normal, so I wouldn’t be so self-conscious around them.

  My mom said “Ok, dear, we’ll be back in the morning.”

  I nodded my head. “Home I go can?”

  The doctor said “Not yet, we need to keep you for a few days for observation.”

  Ryan looked at me. “Do you mind if I stay?”

  I nodded my head. “Stay.”

  He smiled. Everybody left, and Ryan climbed into the bed next to me. “Thank god you are awake. Thank god,” he said, stroking my hair, while my head was on his chest.

  I nuzzled him, my hair on his chest. I vaguely was aware that my hair had not been washed for two months, and I hadn't showered either. I wondered how he could stand to be around me. Once again, Ryan read my mind.

  “Beautiful, would you like me to give you a sponge bath?”

  I nodded eagerly. He picked me up and carried me into the bathroom. I found myself grateful for Ryan's money, because this was a private room that had a bathtub, as opposed to just a shower. He gently put me in the tub and turned on the water. Just then, he got on the phone. “Charlene? This is Ryan.” He paused. “Could you do me a favor?” Pause. “Could you go to the store and bring some bubble bath up?” Pause. “Right now if you could.” Pause. “Thanks.”

  He turned to me. “I apologize for not thinking about that. I know how much you love your bubble baths.” At that, he carried me back into the bed to await my mother. He was extremely gentle with me, like he was carrying a priceless Fabergé egg.

  I nodded eagerly.

  My mother arrived about fifteen minutes later. Ryan got up when she walked in the door. “Thanks, Charlene, here’s some money.”

  My mother protested, but Ryan insisted. My mother called into the bathroom - “We’ll see you tomorrow!”

  Ryan ran the water, putting the bubble bath into the water. Before long, there were enormous bubbles. Then, he gently picked me back up, and placed me into the warm bath. I had never felt anything so amazing.

  He gently got a sponge and soaped me up, scrubbing every inch of my body. Then he gently shampooed my hair. “This is just like old times, huh?”

  I nodded. I leaned forward, still not used to seeing my new body. My legs were very thin, my stomach was flat, but my breasts seemed deflated too. They definitely didn't seem as perky.

  “Don't you worry, you’ll be back to normal in no time. I’ll make sure that you do all your exercises for your rehab, and your speech will come back perfectly. Just wait.”

  I nodded.

  We finished the bath, and Ryan put some toothpaste on my toothbrush, then gently opened my mouth and brushed my teeth. Then he produced some mouthwash, put some in the little cap, and I swished it around and spit it out. Then, Ryan picked me up and carried me to the bed. He produced a bag that had some pajamas in it and some other clothes. “I brought this for when you woke up. I knew that you would need fresh clothes.”

  I looked at him gratefully. “You thank.”

  He dressed me in some warm pajamas. Then he frowned. He pushed the call button. A nurse came up. “Hey, do you mind changing these sheets?” The nurse nodded her head, and came back up with some new bedding, and changed the sheets, the pillow case and blanket. “Thank you so much,” Ryan said.

  I was now freshly washed, and so was my bedding. I wondered how Ryan stood to be around me and my bed all this time. I also wondered why I didn't have any bed sores. I guess I was just lucky.

  Ryan and I snuggled in the bed, him stroking my hair, just like old times. “I was so looking forward to this day,” he said.

  I just lay there silently, hearing his heartbeat. Surprisingly, considering that I just woke up after two months, I was exhausted and I was soon asleep.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The doctor came in the next day, and announced that I’d start my rehab that morning. Ryan carried me to a wheelchair and pushed me to the rehab facilities.

  I went through some exercises which were designed to strengthen my leg and arm muscles. The rehab guy said that muscle atrophy was my only problem, and that I’d be able to walk fine when I built up my muscles.

  The session was painful and frustrating. I used to be so strong. Now, I could hardly walk. That said, I could walk a little with the help of the parallel bars. I also did a variety of exercises that strengthened all the muscles in my legs, using the very lowest weights possible. Even at the lowest weights, they seemed impossible to lift. Ryan was right there encouraging me, though. I guessed if anybody could help me get back into shape, it’d be him.

  I stayed at the hospital all that week, because I had to go through rehab every day, and the doctor ran tests, such as CAT Scans and other tests to make sure that there wasn’t major brain damage. My speech was gradually coming back, which was encouraging.

  Ryan never left my side, giving me sponge baths, dressing me, and hanging out with me. He also slept with me and ate with me, wheeling me down to the cafeteria during the first few days. He made me walk up and down the halls, walking along with me slowly. As usual, he showed an incredible amount of patience with my slow progress.

  During the week, my parents and sister came by every day, and Debbie and Richard stopped by several times as well. I also had a steady stream of people coming in – aunts, uncles, cousins, and other friends, such as Patty and Robert. Even Alexis stopped by, her new boyfriend, Todd, in tow. Everybody was considerate, though, only staying for a short time, because I found that I tired very easily.

  Everything was a chore – speaking, walking, eating, getting dressed, bathing. I found that I just wanted to lie in the bed, because everything else was just too much effort, but Ryan made sure that I was as active as possible. He wouldn't let me just lay in bed. He forced me to walk, to dress for meals, and to go to rehab. He gave me sponge bubble baths every night. He also was sensitive to when I was really tired out, and let me quit when I absolutely had to.

  Finally, it was time to go home. I walked slowly out the door, after getting my discharge papers. I had to admit that I was intimidated to go home, though. It had been a long time since I was home, even though it really didn't seem that long for me.

  First, though, we had to pick up Maximus and Brutus, who had been staying with Daniel while I was in the hospital, because Ryan was in the hospital as much as I was.

  Daniel greeted us. He was always pretty taciturn with me, but on this day, he seemed much friendlier than usual.

  “It's good to see you, Iris. You’re looking well.”

  “Thanks, Daniel,” I said.

  “If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.”

  I n
odded, as Ryan went into the house to get the dogs. Daniel stood outside, standing awkwardly. Ryan came back out with the dogs, who were hyper as usual. “Thanks, bro,” Ryan said, the dogs pulling him towards the car. They stopped to greet me, almost knocking me over. “Whoa,” Ryan said, pulling the dogs away from me.

  I started in singing one of my songs for the dogs, happy that I had my voice back. I created songs for the dogs every day, usually putting my own words into a familiar tune. Ryan smiled, obviously happy that I was getting back to normal.

  Finally, we arrived back home. Ryan had already had the gym set up in the rec room downstairs. As I knew he would, he got the top of the line equipment – treadmills, Livestrong bikes, elliptical trainers, and a full circuit of weight machines that one would find in a gym. I had my exercises that I needed to do every day, and I was getting stronger and stronger.

  Everything was returning back to normal, but there was still a problem. I found that I was having nightmares every night and I was anxious and depressed. Ryan was very sensitive to my moods anyhow, because we were starting to know each other so well, and he was also on the lookout for signs of PTSD. Plus, I refused to eat many of my meals, because I was afraid of getting heavy again, so I continued to lose weight.

  This worried Ryan.

  We were at the dinner table, and Ryan had cooked up one his fabulous meals, but I pushed the food around the plate.

  “Don't you like my cooking anymore, love?”

  “Of course. I just am not real hungry.”

  “You have to eat. You’re wasting away.”

  I shook my head. I finally felt that I looked ok, and I didn't want to gain the weight back.

  “Iris, you really need to eat more. You need to keep up your strength while you’re getting better and stronger.” Whenever he used my name he meant business, and this time was no different.

  I said nothing, just continued to pick at my food, not meeting his eyes. I could see imagine his stare boring into me, and I could kind of see it in my peripheral vision. Sure enough, when I got the guts to actually look at him, he was staring at me, narrowing his eyes when my gaze met his. He looked pissed, confused and concerned, all at once. I quickly looked away, pushed away my plate, and left the table without a word.