by Ash, Nikki
We sit on a bench a little ways away from the playground, in between the empty field where Zane loves to kick the ball, and the basketball court where he’ll spend hours drawing with chalk on the blacktop.
We sit in silence for several minutes. I remember the shock I felt when I found out I was pregnant, so I can imagine what’s going through Keegan’s head. Only he’s not finding out I’m pregnant, but that he has a three-year-old son.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” he finally says. “We were careful. We used condoms.” He sighs loudly, and I turn my body to face him, so he knows he has my attention. “We used condoms every time.” His tone isn’t malicious. It’s confused. And I don’t blame him. I had the same reaction when I found out.
“I guess you’ll have to ask your condoms what happened,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. “I wouldn’t have believed it myself, if it wasn’t for my protruding belly, the ultrasound pictures, and at the end of the nine months, me pushing a watermelon-sized baby out of my tomato-sized hole.”
Keegan flinches. “Sorry, kind of graphic, huh?” I say through a laugh, remembering the ridiculousness of my labor and delivery. “You should’ve been there. For a minute, I wasn’t sure he was coming out. At one point, I think I even begged the doctor to just keep him inside me so I wouldn’t have to push anymore. But of course, eventually he came out. All eight pounds, four ounces of him.”
Keegan’s brows furrow together and his lips curve into a frown. “I wasn’t there,” he murmurs with a shake of his head. “We used condoms,” he says again, and I worry he’s in shock.
“We did,” I say gently. “But they’re not one hundred percent effective.”
Keegan nods slowly, still in some kind of shocked trance, and I worry that maybe he doesn’t think Zane is his. “We could do a paternity test,” I say, and his frown morphs into a scowl.
“I know he’s mine. He looks just like Kolton and me. He even looks like Keith.”
“Who’s Keith?”
Keegan’s eyes wince as if he’s in pain. “He is… was… my older brother. He died a few years ago.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about him, though. I just meant that Zane—that’s his name, right?”
“Yeah.” I swallow thickly. “It’s Zane Keegan Jacobs.” His features soften at hearing Zane’s full name. “I wanted him to have a part of you, especially since I didn’t think I’d ever find you.”
Keegan nods in understanding. “That means a lot to me. I just meant that Zane looks identical to my brothers and me when we were little. I’ll have to show you some pictures one day.”
“I would like that.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes, and I imagine it’s because neither of us knows where to go from here. So, I decide to tell him a truth in hope of breaking the ice, and also, maybe to find out some things about him. “Sierra and I moved here when I was seven months pregnant, and every day I would go for a walk around campus. I didn’t start school until Zane was eight months old, but we still went for walks every day. You said you went to school here, so I searched for you every day for months. I even asked students and professors if they knew a Keegan, but no one knew who you were.”
Keegan breathes out a deep sigh, but doesn’t say anything for another minute. “I did go here… but I…” He speaks slowly, and I’m not sure why he’s choosing his words carefully, but I listen with patience. “I left school at the end of the year. The spring break we met was my last year here.”
When he doesn’t give me any more, I ask, “And you’re back now?”
He clears his throat. “Yeah.”
“What year are you?”
“A junior.”
Jeez, it’s like pulling teeth. “When did you return?”
“This semester.”
I stare at him for a moment, trying to figure out why he just clammed up on me. If he were a random guy I just met, I’d let it go, but he’s the father of my child, which means I need to learn about him. “Why did you leave for over three years and then return?”
He sucks in a breath then exhales harshly, averting his eyes.
“Keegan?” I prompt. “What’s going on?”
“I got my AA and figured I was done,” he finally says. “I’m taking a few classes while I figure out my next step.”
“What’s your major?”
“I’m not sure,” he admits.
“Well, what classes are you taking?”
“Umm… a psych class, U.S. Government, and a criminal justice class.”
The awkward silence is now back in full force, and I can’t help but wonder how this is all going to work. Will Keegan want joint custody? Do we go to court and let a judge decide? He hasn’t even said if he wants to meet Zane at all. Although, he did say he would show me pictures one day, so he must want him in his life in some way, right?
I breathe out a frustrated sigh, and Keegan smiles nervously at me, giving me the confidence I need to ask him my question. “Do you want to meet Zane? I mean, do you want him in your life?”
“What?” He scowls. “Of course I do.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good.” Then another thought crosses my mind. “Are you dating someone?” When he smirks, I realize that came out wrong. “I mean, is there someone you need to talk to? Let her know you’re now a dad?”
“No,” Keegan says. “I’m not dating anyone. You?”
“No. I’m focusing on school and my future. No guys. No dating. No hooking up.” I cringe when I blurt out the last part, and Keegan laughs.
“Got it. So, where do we go from here?”
“I guess we just take it one day at a time.” I shrug. “You can get to know Zane, and once everyone is comfortable, we can tell him you’re his dad.”
“My mom is going to freak out when she finds out,” he says with a chuckle, and my heart sinks. I didn’t think about Keegan having family, since Sierra and I don’t have one. It’s always just been the three of us with a side of Brenton. He has a brother he occasionally talks about, but he isn’t close to his parents. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think he’s ever mentioned either of his parents. Hmm… I’ll have to ask him about them one day.
“Will she be upset?” I ask, already feeling the need to go mama bear on anyone who doesn’t like my son—family or not.
“No way.” He laughs, and for a second it reminds me of the Keegan I spent time with on the beach. It’s light and sweet and masculine, and goes straight into my chest and slides down to the apex of my thighs. “She’s going to be ecstatic. She was a kindergarten teacher, so she loves little kids. She retired last year and is always complaining how much she misses being around all the kids.”
“Oh, good. How about we start with introducing you to him first and then we can go from there?”
“Sounds good.” He gives me the first real smile since we’ve started talking.
“What about dinner tomorrow night at our place?”
“Dinner at your place sounds perfect.” Keegan’s grin widens. “It’s a date.”
Blakely
“Please, can I bring my book to school?” Zane begs. He always wants to bring his stuff to share, but then he gets upset when someone doesn’t treat it as they should. And he’s very protective of his books. He takes after my mom and me in that way.
“And what if someone draws on it?” I ask, shooting him my best mom look.
His brows furrow. “I won’t draw on them this time, I promise.”
I stifle my laugh. When Zane let his friend borrow his book, the little boy drew on it, so my son decided he would draw on him to show him how it feels. His mother was not happy about marker being all over her son’s clothes and arms, but she couldn’t say much when she was told her son drew all over Zane’s book. It’s a dog-eat-dog world in preschool.
“Fine.” I give in. I’m a mom. I pick my battles. “If anyone ruins your book, I will not be buying you a new one.”
Zane is already stuffing t
he book into his backpack and then heading to the front door.
The entire walk to his school, he skips and hops and plays I spy. I have no clue where he gets his energy from, but I’d love to bottle it up and use it on myself.
When we get to his school, Zane runs straight over to Melissa, who is holding the doll Zane bought for her in her arms.
“Have fun, and I’ll be back to get you soon,” I say to him.
“Bye, Mommy. Love you!” he yells back, already taking his book out of his backpack to show Melissa.
“Thank you so much for the doll,” Tarah says. “Christmas was hard,” she admits softly. “Melissa loves that doll so much.” Tarah, not only goes to school full-time, but works part-time at the college daycare. We’ve had a few playdates over the last year since she started college, and from what I’ve gathered, Melissa’s dad is a deadbeat who decided one day he didn’t want to be a husband or a dad anymore, leaving her on her own. When she went after him for child support, he showed zero income because he’s getting paid under the table. Most of her school is paid for thanks to financial aid, but she still has to pay for her living expenses and care for Melissa.
When I listened to her story, it made me that much more thankful for my sister. When I found out I was pregnant, she could’ve pushed me away, but she didn’t. She stepped up, and it’s because of her in four months I’ll be graduating with my bachelor’s degree and moving on to the graduate program—as long as I get in.
“You’re welcome. Zane was so happy she loved it.”
“The daycare is doing a ‘bring your parents to school’ day next week.” She hands me a flyer. “The kids have been practicing some songs, and they’re going to perform.”
“I bet this will be adorable.” I imagine Zane and his little friends singing and performing. “I’ll be there. Do you need me to bring anything?”
“Nope. Just yourself.”
“Sounds good. I better get to class so I’m not late, but we should do coffee this week.”
“For sure!” She smiles. “Have a good day!”
When I step outside, Brenton is waiting for me. When he didn’t show up this morning to walk with us, I texted him to ask if everything was okay. He didn’t text back.
“What’s up?” I ask as we fall in step together, walking toward our first class of the day.
“You tell me,” he demands.
I stop in my tracks, not liking his tone. “Is this about Keegan?”
“Did you tell him he’s Zane’s dad?”
“Of course I did… because he is.”
“You don’t even know this guy!” Brenton fumes. I’ve never seen him this mad before, and it has me feeling uneasy. Subconsciously, I take a step back, needing some space, but he steps forward. I put my hand out to stop him from advancing, and thankfully he gives me space, not stepping any closer.
“I knew him enough to sleep with him,” I say honestly. “We created a baby, and you know how long I’ve waited to find him. So, I don’t understand why you’re acting all mad and shocked that the moment I actually do find him, I tell him he’s Zane’s dad.”
Brenton’s glare hits me hard. “So, what? You’re all just going to be some perfectly happy instant family?” His question burns like a slap to the face. He’s not asking because he cares, but rather because he thinks the idea is ludicrous.
“What is your damn problem?” I hiss. “You’re one of my best friends. You should be happy for me, for Zane. You know how much this means to me. I have zero family aside from Sierra. I never wanted that for Zane, and you know it!” I scream the last part as hot, angry tears spill down my cheeks. “No, I’m not planning to become some instant family, but at least my son won’t grow up without a dad! And Keegan said he has a mom and a dad. Plus, there’s his brother Kolton. Zane will have grandparents and an uncle. Sierra and I don’t have any of that. When our parents, and then grandmother, died, we were left as foster kids. At least if something happens to me, he’ll have a family.”
I didn’t realize until this moment, the relief I suddenly feel at knowing if something happens to Sierra and me, Zane won’t be forced into foster care. He’ll have family, who will love and take care of him. Real blood relatives he can turn to.
As the salty liquid flows down like a waterfall, the sound of a board draws my attention. Keegan is standing a few feet away. And based on the way his jaw is ticking, he heard Brenton’s and my conversation. How much, I’m not sure.
“You okay?” Keegan asks, stepping forward and wiping the lingering wetness from under my eyes. The act feels so intimate, but it shouldn’t. We created a baby. You can’t get any more intimate than that.
“She’s fine,” Brenton grunts. “I’m sorry, Blakely,” he says to me. “I’m just worried.”
“About me?” Keegan asks incredulously. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re the one making her cry.”
“This is between Blakely and me,” Brenton volleys back.
“And it’s about Blakely, our son, and me,” Keegan states. It shouldn’t be what I focus on in this moment, but my thoughts linger on our son. He’s only known about Zane for less than twenty-four hours and he’s already accepted Zane as our son. My heart thumps against my ribcage. Zane has a family.
Brenton starts to argue, but I cut him off. “Stop, please. I appreciate you looking out for me, and I know this is all going to take some time, but what I need is for you to be supportive. Zane looks up to you, and he’s going to observe how you react to his dad. If you can’t be on board, then…” I let my words linger, not wanting to make threats, but also needing Brenton to understand that Keegan isn’t going anywhere.
“Fine,” Brenton says, throwing his hands in the air. “We need to get to class.”
“I’ll be right there,” I tell him. His eyes bug out in annoyance. It’s just going to take time, I tell myself. Brenton has been the only guy in our lives for the last three years. This is a lot for everyone to deal with.
He stomps away like an angry child, and Keegan snorts. “You sure you don’t have two kids?”
I whirl around to face him, my hand going to my hip. “Don’t be like that. Brenton has been there for me since Sierra and I moved here. He’s been the only male figure in Zane’s life, and he’s been a damn good friend to me.”
“He wants in your pants,” Keegan states dryly.
“No, he doesn’t,” I argue. “He’s just protective.”
“He wants in your pants,” he repeats.
“We’ll just have to agree to disagree. Were you looking for me?”
“I was on my way to class.” Keegan looks around. “Where’s Zane?”
“I already dropped him off.” When I point to the building, I remember the flyer I’m holding. “His school is having a ‘take your parents to school’ day next week. Maybe after you meet him and we tell him you’re his dad, you can come?”
I extend my hand, and Keegan takes the piece of paper from me. After a few seconds of reading the details, he says, “I would really like that.”
“Cool. I better get to class. Your brother is teaching the lecture today.”
“I can’t even imagine what was going through your head when you saw him.” Keegan chuckles good-naturedly.
“I know I only knew you for a few days, but when I saw him and we spoke, in some weird way, I knew he wasn’t you.”
Keegan steps closer to me, encroaching on my personal space. “Because you knew deep down I could never forget you.” He runs his fingers down the side of my cheek, stopping at my chin, and a shiver breaks out throughout my body. “Everything about that time we spent together was unforgettable.”
My eyes close of their own accord, and my cheek leans into his hand that’s still lingering on the side of my face. It would be so easy to get lost in this man. To pick up where we left off. But that’s not what Zane needs. That’s not what I need. He needs a dad. I need a degree.
When I open my eyes, Keegan’s face is millimeters from mine. His lip
s are so close—too close. His gaze is fixed on my lips. He wants to kiss me, but he’s waiting for permission.
“Keegan,” I whisper, my voice coming out breathless. “We can’t do this.” I back away from his touch, and his hand falls. “What we had… It was fun and reckless, and I’ll never regret it because it gave me Zane, and he’s my entire world. But it wasn’t the beginning of something. I have Zane and my degree I need to think about. My sister has been busting her ass to help me so I can get a degree and provide for my son. I’m not about to risk that to date someone—even if that someone is the father of my son. Hell, especially because you’re the father of my son.”
“Our son,” he corrects. “Are you telling me for the last four years you haven’t dated at all?”
“Yep.” I nod vehemently. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you. I’m not going out and hooking up with guys while my sister works fifty to sixty hours a week to pay our bills so I can get a college education like I wanted. If it weren’t for her, I would’ve either given Zane up for adoption or been living somewhere shitty working full-time to barely make ends meet. I couldn’t have done these last four years without her.”
Keegan frowns but nods. “Okay, I get it. For now, we’ll focus on Zane, but in a few months, you’re graduating…”
“And then I’m going for my graduate degree.”
“Great, sounds like a plan, but I’m only giving you until you get your bachelor’s degree,” he says, “and then all bets are off. I came back for your number that day because I wanted more, and four years later, I still do. I’m not giving up on getting to know you.”
“And what about Zane?” I point out, dumbfounded by how blunt he’s being.
“What about him?”
“What if we date and break up?”
“Then he’s no worse off than he was with two parents who aren’t together.” He shrugs. “But if our chemistry now is anything like it was back then, there’s a chance we could give him a family.”
A family—his words remind me of what Brenton mentioned earlier. An instant family.
