Breaking Free

by SM Koz

  “Why do you say that?”

  “She keeps watching us. Plus you wanted to sleep with me at the beginning of the trip. She’s probably worried you tried taking advantage of me again.”

  Rolling my eyes once more, I say, “In your dreams. She knows I was only trying to get kicked out back then.”

  “She won’t let us go. Take Mia.”

  He tried to sit back down, but I tugged on his arm. “Mia can’t tackle Bling if he tries to catch a glimpse.”

  “What if I try to catch a glimpse?”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

  “Are you giving me permission?”

  “Are you that depraved after only ten days in the woods?”

  He picked up a small stick and tossed it into the fire. “I might be.” The stick crackled and hissed as it caught fire.

  “Mia was right—you are a sex addict.”

  He laughed. “It doesn’t matter, Chris won’t let us go.”

  “I’ll tell her you’re gay.”

  “She knows I’m not gay.”

  “How do you know that? You could be gay.”

  “She reads my journal.”

  “What are you writing in there?”

  His lips curled into a massive grin, so I shook my head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.” Walking in Chris’ direction, I said, “I’ll ask her.”

  It turned out JC was right. Chris said absolutely not. She went with me and said Jason would keep the guys at the campsite.

  When I was done, I returned with wet hair and clean skin. I went straight to my tent and started rummaging through my makeup case, but when I held up my compact mirror and looked at myself, I changed my mind. It was nice to finally feel clean, I didn’t want to ruin that by layering on a bunch of thick foundation. I opted for a few swipes of mascara and clear lip gloss instead.

  “Dinner’s ready!” Neeky yelled. He was in much better spirits, the worst of the withdrawal symptoms having passed.

  I exited my tent to find everyone crowded around a big pot of stew and biscuits in the Dutch oven. After grabbing a serving of each, I took my usual spot by JC’s side as dusk fell, bringing in a nice breeze.

  “Feeling better?” he asked.

  “Much.”

  “I think you forgot something.”

  “What?” I asked, looking up and down my body.

  “Where’s your trademark makeup? I was beginning to think you were the only girl in history who would spend a month in the woods with perfect makeup every day. Not that I’m complaining. I like this look much better.”

  I shrug. “It just didn’t seem worth it anymore.” To change the subject, I add, “You really should give bathing a try. I feel a hundred times better.”

  “We’re camping. We’re supposed to be dirty.”

  “Yes, I’m sure that’s it. It has nothing to do with your fear of water.”

  “You think you have me all figured out?”

  I chuckled because I had a hard enough time figuring myself out, let alone someone else. “You need to learn how to swim when you get back home.”

  “Hmm … maybe,” he said evasively, avoiding eye contact by studying the contents of his bowl.

  He was uncharacteristically quiet through the rest of dinner. I tried to engage him in conversation a couple times, but he wasn’t interested. His mind was elsewhere so I let him be to work through whatever it was. I spent the time trying to decide what I would share during our group session after dinner. Sometimes Chris would have a specific question we’d have to answer and other times she’d just tell us to talk about ourselves. I preferred the question because I could usually give some superficial answer that didn’t mean much. When I had to talk about myself, it was harder. I’d already used up all the easy answers like I’m from California, I’m an only child, I’m a cheerleader. I couldn’t help but think that was Chris’ plan. Get all the pointless stuff out early so we were only left with deep, introspective details by the end. Those were the things I wouldn’t share.

  Once the final dish was washed, Chris gathered us around the fire and said the dreaded words, “Tonight, tell us something you’ve discovered about yourself since you’ve been out here.”

  Mia went first and told us that she was learning to be more open-minded about things. Neeky said he learned that he didn’t need to drink. I’m sure Chris patted herself on the back for that one. At least one person would successfully complete the program.

  Then it was my turn. I poked at the fire with a stick while I thought about what I could say. After a couple minutes, Chris said, “Just one thing, Mal. Anything.”

  I nodded. It’s not like I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do. I just had a hard time coming up with stuff to share in front of the whole group. “I …”

  “Yes?” she said, encouragingly.

  “I really hate not bathing.”

  She sighed. It was not the type of answer she wanted. “Thanks, Mal. JC?”

  “I have more self-control than I thought I did. I need to learn to funnel that into other parts of my life.”

  “Happy to hear that.”

  “Travon?” Bling was the only one she and Jason still called by his first name, probably because he wasn’t part of our group and didn’t refer to himself by the nickname we used.

  “I got the patience of a saint.”

  Chris thanked us all and then told us we had free time until lights-out. As usual, JC, Neeky, Mia, and I sat together while Bling isolated himself.

  “So, I’ve got this idea for a new video game,” Neeky said. “It takes place in the forest.”

  “I wonder where you got that from?” Mia laughed, elbowing him in the side.

  “No, wait, it gets better.”

  “Let me guess, there’s grunt work?”

  While we were all laughing, Bling got up and walked into the woods, in the direction of the latrine. It’s not like I tried to spy on him, but I always wanted to know where he was so he couldn’t sneak up on me.

  After five minutes, he still wasn’t back, which put me on alert. My back was to the open forest, making me really uncomfortable. I automatically shifted so I could see if anyone approached me from behind.

  “Come here,” JC said, wrapping his arm around my waist and dragging me in front of him. He positioned my body so that he was between me and the woods.

  “He’s been gone a while,” I whispered while Neeky and Mia continued to argue about the video game.

  “I know.”

  “Should we tell someone?”

  “Let’s give him a few more minutes.”

  Just then, we heard rustling behind the tents. The four of us automatically stood up, grouped together, clapped our hands, and yelled like Jason taught us to scare away wild animals. Chris and Jason both came rushing out of their tents with pepper spray and headlamps. Chris circled around the line of tents from the left and Jason from the right.

  We heard them working their way through the underbrush, going along the back of our tents. After a few minutes, they emerged together.

  “Whatever it was is gone,” Jason said, turning off his headlamp now that he was near the fire. “It was probably something small like a raccoon. No need to worry.”

  Already being on high alert with Bling, my heart rate went through the roof after that, even if it was just a raccoon.

  “You okay?” JC asked.

  I nodded. “Just a little rattled.”

  He reached over and rubbed my knee. “Want to sleep in my tent tonight,” he asked with a playful grin.

  “If I wouldn’t get sent home, I’d be there in a heartbeat.”

  “My how times have changed.”

  “He’s back,” I said nodding towards the other side of the clearing where Bling was climbing into his tent. “What do you think he was doing?”

  “God only knows.”

  We stayed outside talking until Jason extinguished the fire and made us call it a night. I went into my tent t
o grab my headlamp, water bottle, toothpaste, and toothbrush and then started to circle around the back of it to brush my teeth like I did every night. The earlier commotion had me wary though. Since I didn’t have many options, I decided to use the fire pit as my sink. While I was doing my final rinse, a blood-curdling scream tore through the stillness of the night. My immediate reaction was to squat down. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how that would be effective against any type of threat, but I didn’t have time to think.

  JC leaped out of his tent like a deer being chased by a lion.

  “CHRIS! CHRIS! CHRIS! CHRIS!”

  I heard both Chris and Jason fumbling with their zippers while JC hopped around like something was trying to bite his feet.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, jumping to his aid.

  “Shit!” He spun around to face me. “You scared me.”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked again.

  “There’s a fucking snake in my tent!”

  “Snake?”

  “Yes. SNAKE!”

  “What kind of snake?”

  “Does it matter?!”

  Jason finally joined us. “Did you get bit?” he asked, apparently having heard the important pieces of the story.

  “No.”

  “Good. Stay here.”

  He went back into his tent, emerged with a stuff stack and long hiking stick, and then headed into JC’s tent. Chris stood by the door observing. By that time everyone else had joined us to watch the situation unfold.

  “What’d it look like?” I asked.

  “Long, skinny, fangs, a forked tongue.”

  “So, your pretty typical snake, then?” I asked sarcastically.

  “Sorry, Mal, I didn’t really spend time getting on a first name basis with it.”

  “You are freaked out.”

  “It’s a fucking snake in my fucking sleeping bag!”

  My eyes grew wide at that unexpected piece of information. “In your sleeping bag?”

  “YES!”

  He continued pacing around the campsite, wrapping and unwrapping his arms around his chest and trembling every now and then. Neeky and Mia stood with Chris at the door to the tent, trying to watch Jason, while Bling hung out in the shadows. I stepped next to JC and rested my hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. Jason will get it out.”

  “I hate snakes.”

  “Everyone hates snakes.”

  “How in the hell did a snake get in my sleeping bag?”

  “Did you leave your tent unzipped?”

  “No.”

  “Was there a hole?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “I’m so glad I didn’t join you in your tent tonight,” I said, trying to lift his spirits.

  It seemed to work a little. “If you found that thing, you’d be halfway back to the Lodge by now,” he said with a grin.

  “No, I’d be at the Lodge by now.”

  He wrapped his arms around my back. “I’m sleeping in your tent tonight. I don’t care what Chris says. There is no way I’m going back in there after that. Never again. We might as well burn that tent.”

  I stood with my arms around his waist, trying to offer comfort while we waited on Jason. Eventually, he emerged with the wriggling stuff sack and started walking off into the woods. Chris joined him just a few feet away and they talked in hushed whispers.

  With the excitement dying down, everyone else returned to their tents. JC followed me into mine, but we left the door open, waiting for Chris to return. I knew there was no way she’d let him stay in there.

  “You’ve got a nice set up,” he said, studying my few remaining bottles and tubes of absolute necessities. He looked over to the right side of the tent where my clothes were arranged by style and color.

  “You might be a little OCD.”

  “That’s the least of my worries.”

  He smiled and lay down on the floor next to me. I unzipped my sleeping bag, turned it completely inside out, and shook it for good measure. Once I was satisfied there were no snakes or other creepy crawly things in it, I wiggled inside and zipped it up to my neck.

  I turned on my side to find JC staring at me. He looked much more relaxed than he had minutes ago.

  “You’ve calmed down,” I said.

  He nodded. “I’m feeling better.”

  “JC, where are you?” Chris asked, back from talking to Jason.

  “Mal’s tent.”

  She ducked inside and sat on the end of my sleeping bag. “You can’t sleep in here.”

  “I’m not going back there.”

  “You can stay with Neeky or Jason. Take your pick.”

  “Fine,” he said with a grunt, sitting up. “I’ll bunk with Neeky. What kind of snake was it?”

  “Copperhead.”

  “Would I have died if it bit me?”

  “Probably not. It would’ve hurt like hell and we would’ve had to airlift you out of here, though. It would have completely ruined the trip.”

  “How’d it get in there,” I asked, pulling my sleeping bag tighter around my neck.

  “Jason said there was a hole in the corner of the tent. Did you ever notice that?”

  “No. There were no holes when I pitched it yesterday. I checked.”

  “Maybe it was from the animal we heard earlier. The raccoon. Could that have chewed a hole through it?” I asked.

  “Did you have any food in there?”

  “No.”

  “Then it seems unlikely.” She patted his leg and added, “Don’t worry. Your sleeping bag is totally safe now.”

  “I’m not using a sleeping bag for the rest of the trip.”

  She laughed. “Suit yourself, but you need to move to Neeky’s tent.”

  Chapter 17: August 25

  “I wouldn’t have been able to sleep out there again!” Marta says. “I hate snakes. I would’ve left right then.”

  We had moved into the living room while I told Marta what happened. She’s now on the love seat with her knitting needles. I grab mine from her bag and start where I left off yesterday.

  “JC was still pretty freaked out until we put two and two together.”

  Marta raises her eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.

  “We figured Bling had to be responsible. He disappeared, we heard the sound in the woods, and then the snake appeared.”

  “Did you tell Chris?”

  “No. We didn’t know how he did it so we felt silly going to her. Plus JC said he’d take care of things.”

  “How’d that make you feel?”

  I pause, holding a needle in midair. “Nervous, I guess. I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

  “Did he?”

  “Not right then. Things were pretty calm for a few days.” I begin knitting again and notice that I’m doing better than yesterday. It doesn’t take nearly as much concentration.

  “But that changed?”

  I look out the window to the pool in the backyard. The twenty-something, hot pool guy is cleaning it. I’m surprised Sheila’s not home since she usually likes to be around when he’s here. She must really be avoiding me. Turning my attention back to Marta, I say, “I melted down.”

  “What happened?”

  “It was my birthday.”

  “That’s usually a happy time.”

  I shake my head and tell her about that morning.

  Chapter 18: August 1 (Day 14)

  The real problem was Chris deciding we needed another silent hiking day to self-reflect. I wasn’t good at self-reflection on a good day, let alone my birthday when all I could think about was the plans Jenna and I had made.

  We were going to visit Disneyland and then have dinner at a nice restaurant with some friends. The Disneyland thing was kind of a joke because she was looking through my baby book and there was a picture of me when I was four, sitting on my dad’s shoulders in front of the castle and wearing mouse ears and a birthday hat. And a huge smile. She decided we needed to recreate that picture, minus my dad. />
  During the entire hike, I kept thinking about how much fun we would’ve had. The longer I thought about it, the worse my mood became and I felt myself slipping back into that dark place. I really wished it wasn’t a silent hike so JC could tell me Prince Jalen stories as a distraction. Without those, all I could think about was how I wanted to be with Jenna, not in the woods.

  After four hours of my own thoughts, I needed to cut. It was overwhelming. My stomach hurt, my chest hurt. It was as if a sumo wrestler was sitting on top of me. The harder I tried to breathe the more it hurt. My eyes scanned everywhere for something sharp. A tree branch, a rock, part of someone’s pack. It wasn’t until we stopped for lunch that I found my tool.

  I threw my pack on the ground in frustration or maybe despair. JC caught my eyes. “You okay?” he mouthed.

  I shook my head no.

  He sat next to me and offered me a piece of his orange.

  I ignored him and yanked open my pack, digging around for anything that had a point, but I knew it would be useless. Everything was taken from me. Just as I was about to tighten the drawstring, my eyes landed on something. It was my compact. I opened it up and studied the mirror. It was the only mirror I had, but at that moment, cutting myself was more important than making sure I Iooked good.

  I placed it in my pocket, waiting for an opportunity to crack it into pieces. That time came when we were cleaning up after lunch. Everyone was so preoccupied that no one noticed when I dropped it on the ground and stepped on it with my heel, giving it a good twist until I heard a crunching sound. When I opened it, I had plenty of shards to choose from. I selected one and kept it hidden in my hand until we were back on the trail.

  I carefully sliced my palm, a nice straight cut along the diagonal to maximize the size. The wave of relief was instantaneous. I almost sighed out loud as the weight lifted from my chest. I could breathe again. I clamped my fist closed and hoped it would stop the bleeding soon so I wouldn’t drip too much.

  A few drops spilled onto my shorts and the ground, but it wasn’t much. I figured no one would notice.

  “Ahh … to hell with grunt work,” Mia said. “Chris, Mal’s cutting!”