Breaking Free

by SM Koz

  “This will be the most challenging course yet,” Chris said stepping in front of us and untying a rope from her pack. “You’re really going to have to search for hand and foot holds. It will also be harder to rest because you’re never going to have a ledge to stand on.”

  “I’ll just let my belayer hold me,” Mia said, nudging my arm.

  “You still trust me as your belayer after you betrayed me this morning?” I asked with a wicked smile.

  “Please, it was for your own good.”

  “Okay,” Chris said. “Let’s get geared up.”

  We all removed our harnesses from Chris’ pack and then stepped into them.

  “What the hell?” JC asked, when his wouldn’t get past his knees.

  “Putting on a little weight there, Big Guy?” I tightened the leg straps on mine, pulling them extra hard so he saw how much room I had.

  “Either that or this isn’t mine.”

  He stepped out of it and looked at the label. “It’s a medium. It must be Bling’s.”

  “Can you loosen the straps enough to get it on?” Chris asked, coming over to help him.

  They worked on it for a good five minutes. The end product wasn’t ideal, with the material still digging into his thighs a bit, but she said it was safe if JC could manage for the few minutes of the rappel.

  Once we were ready, Chris said, “Mal, you first. We’ll use a Figure-Eight Descender. Do you remember how to hook into that?”

  I nodded and took the piece of metal from her hands. After weaving the rope through it, I used a carabiner to secure it to my harness.

  “Excellent. Mia, you’re her partner. Check everything to make sure it looks good.”

  Mia knelt down in front of me and tugged on my harness, checking that all the straps were tight. Then she focused on the carabiner, Figure-Eight, and rope. “I think it’s good.”

  Chris repeated the inspection and then it was time to go. I stood on the edge of the cliff and looked over my shoulder. The first step was always the hardest.

  “Lean back,” Chris said.

  I nodded and took a deep breath. Then, I put all my weight and faith into the equipment.

  “Good job. Let up on your brake hand a little.”

  I did as she instructed and slowly walked my way down the rock face, letting out rope as needed.

  “Halfway, Mal!” Chris yelled from the top. I looked below me at the trees that were getting bigger with each step. There was something magical about being suspended above the world. It was like I was a bird, seeing everything from overhead. It was peaceful and quiet. I was relaxed. Despite hanging forty feet in the air from a piece of rope, my mind felt at ease.

  “Is there a problem?” Chris yelled from the top.

  “No, enjoying the view!”

  She gave me a thumbs up and then I started my descent again.

  Once we were all on the ground and reunited with Bling, he and JC exchanged harnesses. Then it was my turn to climb up.

  “Wear this,” Chris said handing me a little day pack.

  “Why?”

  “You need experience climbing with it. When you get to the top, make sure you climb all the way up, don’t just tap it with your hand,” she said, checking my gear once again.

  “Why?”

  “You need your feet on the top to say you made it.”

  “You have a lot of confidence in me. I think I’ll be lucky if I make it a quarter of the way.”

  “You’ll make it to the top.”

  As soon as I started, I knew it was going to be as difficult as I suspected. My feet were still on the ground and I couldn’t figure out where to put them.

  Chris walked up and helped. “The best line is going to be along the left side. There are deeper holds there. Once you get about twenty feet up, there’s a nice place where you can try stemming. See where the two sides jut out forming that crevice?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Brace yourself on both sides with your legs and shimmy up. You’re good at stemming. That will take you up to almost the end. Then you just need to get over that one ledge jutting out.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “Hold on tight,” she said with a smile and a pat on the shoulder. “You can do it.”

  I followed Chris’ recommendations and was surprised by how well I did. In no time, I was already halfway up and still feeling good. Stemming saved my arms, so I wasn’t as tired as I expected. It also helped by not putting as much pressure on my cut palm. I needed to be more selective in where I cut if I was going to continue climbing.

  When I got to the overhang, I was glad I had saved some strength because I needed every last bit of it. I was practically laying on my back as I tried to crawl up. My fingertips and calves burned. I looked down and everyone was cheering for me. I took a deep breath and tried moving my right hand to a new hold, but as soon as I did, my left hand gave way. Between the pressure on my fingertips and rock rubbing against the cut on my palm, I couldn’t hold on. I slipped off the wall and fell a couple feet before Mia caught me.

  “Keep going!” Chris yelled. “You’re almost there.”

  “My fingers are done!”

  “Try one more time!”

  I grabbed the edge of the ledge and pulled myself in, ready to try again, but my fingers had no strength left. I lay back and let go with my right hand, expecting to fall again, but nothing happened, even though I wasn’t holding myself up. I looked to the ground and Chris was helping Mia with the rope. They were holding my entire weight. Chris never let us do that. She said we needed to accomplish the climb on our own.

  I shook my head and then found another hand hold, wondering what she was up to. There was a tug on the rope and it pulled me up a good six-inches without me even having to climb. With that, I was over the ledge and able to get my feet in. I felt the rope go slack when they gave control back to me. From there it was a fairly easy two more minutes until I reached the top.

  I climbed over the edge like a seal flopping on ice and was shocked by what I saw.

  There was a Little Debbie cake with a note from Chris, a bouquet of wild daisies from JC, one of Mia’s rings I had admired, and an IOU from Neeky for personalized World of Warcraft lessons once we were out of the woods.

  Tears welled up in my eyes as I leaned over the edge.

  “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you …” they sang. By the time they finished, I was crying. I couldn’t believe they knew it was my birthday, let alone went to all the trouble of getting me gifts. It made my heart melt. That was something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wiped the happy tears and wondered if they knew how much I needed that, especially after the morning I had had.

  After placing the ring on my finger and adding the other gifts to the day pack, I rappelled back down. Everyone but Bling got a hug.

  “Happy birthday,” JC said, holding me longer than anyone else. He kissed my forehead and added, “Welcome to the world of seventeen.”

  “I hope it’s better than sixteen.”

  “The next year has to be better than the last, right?”

  “It can’t be worse.”

  “Okay, JC, you’re up,” Chris said, untying the rope from my harness.

  He tied in and then analyzed the wall. “Should I go the same way as Mal?” he asked.

  “Stemming’s going to be hard for you in that crevice. It’s pretty narrow. I’d recommend going up along the midline. I’m not going to lie, though, it’ll be challenging.”

  He nodded and then searched for his first handhold as Neeky belayed him. After a slow start, he began picking up momentum when he was about fifteen feet off the ground.

  “Good job,” Chris said, watching him.

  He wasn’t the most graceful rock-climber, but what he lacked in grace, he made up for in brute strength. I relied mostly on my legs, but JC could hold on with both hands and pull himself into a new position. I was admiring his technique when he unexpectedly jerked. His body fell back
wards and then he spun to the side, his head hitting the wall.

  “Grab the rope!” Chris yelled before I even figured out what happened. She started scrambling up without any gear.

  He reached up frantically, trying to get the rope, but his balance was off. He ended up flinging his arms into the rock.

  “Grab on!” Chris yelled.

  I’m not sure how he did it, but he somehow managed to hook his fingers into a crevice. I could see blood along his cheek and right arm.

  “Are you okay?” I yelled. He either didn’t hear me or was too scared to answer.

  Chris caught up to him. I could see them talking, but they were too quiet for us to make out the words. After a few moments, JC let go of the rock, one hand at a time and grabbed the rope.

  “Lower him slowly, Neeky!” Chris yelled, starting her descent.

  Neeky followed her orders and in a few minutes they were both on the ground.

  I rushed to his side. “Omigod. Are you okay?” I wiped the blood from his face. There was an inch-long gash on his right cheek.

  He nodded, still shaken.

  Chris helped him out of the harness and we soon figured out exactly what happened. The support along his back had ripped into two. He was being held by only the leg supports.

  As soon as JC saw that, he made a beeline for Bling. “You fucking asshole! You’re Crew aren’t you? Show me your tattoo!”

  He shoved him in the chest, causing Bling to stumble backwards. “Show me your fucking tattoo!”

  Chris and I both ran towards them.

  “Stop JC, you’ll get kicked out!” I yelled.

  He ignored me and reached for Bling’s shirt. Chris caught his hand, swung it around his back, and pushed his body to the ground, kneeling on top of him.

  The rest of us stared in amazement. Chris was big for a girl, but JC had to have at least sixty pounds on her.

  “He sabotaged my harness,” JC said, his lips rubbing against the dirt, as he flexed his legs, trying to stand up.

  “No fighting.”

  “He’s trying to kill me,” he said, still struggling against Chris. “They killed Jalen!”

  She continued to hold him down. “No fighting.”

  After another few minutes of bucking against Chris, he finally gave up and lay motionless on the ground. I thought she’d let him up since he had calmed down, but she didn’t budge.

  “Mia, Mal, pack up the gear. Travon, Neeky head back to camp.”

  Once Bling was long gone, Chris finally let JC up. In that moment, I was nervous. He looked at Chris with such fierce hatred, I had no trouble imagining he had aggressive tendencies.

  “You’ll both be going home tomorrow,” she said.

  He drew back his fist and slammed it into a tree. Splinters shot out around his fingers and drifted to the ground.

  “Fuck me,” he said, hitting the tree again. Then, for good measure, he kicked it. Five times.

  “He could use a friend right now,” Chris whispered in my ear.

  I shook my head. “I can’t help him.”

  “Try.”

  I gulped. “Hey, JC?” I asked tentatively, taking a step closer to him.

  He turned at the sound of my voice, like I startled him. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were wild.

  “Are you all right?”

  He opened his mouth, then closed it. Running his hands through his hair, he took a couple deep breaths. “It’s over,” he eventually said, kneeling down and holding his head.

  I walked closer. “It’ll be okay.”

  “Really?” His head snapped up and his eyes were still wild. “Exactly how will it be okay, Mal?”

  “Prince Jalen always found a way to make things work.”

  He laughed. “There are two possible endings to my story: prison or death.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  “You don’t know anything about my life.”

  I took a step closer. “Tell me.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m not from a fancy country club in California, Mal.”

  “No,” I said, stepping next to him. “You’re from Durham. Probably a tiny house where you had to share a room with your brother and never felt safe playing in your front yard. A constant threat of drugs and alcohol. Random men coming into and out of your mama’s life. Then when you were what … ten? Twelve? Gangs beating down your door trying to recruit you.”

  I knelt down next to him. “Promising safety and money, the two things you never had enough of. Yet you, somehow, managed to avoid all of that. No drugs. I’m betting no drinking. No gangs. You studied hard, worked out, took care of your brother. You’re a good person.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “You have a good future.”

  He stared at me and I slowly noticed a change in his eyes. They became more focused. Softer.

  “I like that you think that, even if it’s not true.”

  Chapter 22: August 25

  “Que triste,” Marta says. “He thought his life was over.”

  The clock chimes noon so I reach over and grab my pill container as I nod. After swallowing the afternoon drugs, I say, “I still don’t know why he was concerned about prison. He never told me what he did, but I have to imagine it involved beating someone up.”

  “Did you two talk more before he was sent home?”

  I carefully consider her question. Much more happened that night, some I know about and a lot I can only piece together. “Yes, Chris left us alone after dinner. We ended up … talking for a long time.”

  She raises her eyebrows. “Sounds to me like there was more than talking.”

  “Not what you think.” I open up the journal and skip forward to that last night together. I want to see what he had to say about it.

  Day 14: It’s over. I ruined everything. In the morning, I’ll be sent home. My lawyer will pick me up and take me straight to the courthouse. I’m sure I’ll be in a prison cell by dinnertime, unless someone can convince the judge to give me another chance for rehabilitation and secretly ship me to a program out of state. I can’t imagine that happening.

  There’s no doubt in my mind now that Bling is Crew and was sent here to kill me. I don’t know how they found out about this program, but they did. They knew this was their last chance before I disappeared for good. They’re going to win.

  “Do you believe him?” Marta asks.

  “I believe that Bling was trying to hurt him. He just happened to be involved in every accident. At some point, it stops being coincidental.” I smash a crumb on the counter with my thumb, turning it into dust. “I don’t know if he was Crew, though. He looked the part of a gang member, but looks can be deceiving.”

  I focus back on JC’s journal.

  I’ve suspected this all along, but today sealed the deal: Mal is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. She’s honest and real. I’ve never met anyone like her before. She can cut through all the shit and get to the bottom of things. She gets me. She knows where I’m coming from, which is bizarre since we couldn’t be from more different worlds. She doesn’t care, though. Mia was right—Mal is one of the least judgmental people I’ve ever met. That’s just further proof her heart is pure and way too good for me.

  I almost told her what I did today. She opened up to me and I wanted to be honest with her. She’s accepted everything else about me so I thought she might understand this, too. I actually formed the words on my lips, but then couldn’t get them out. I was too scared. I’ll probably never see her again after tomorrow morning, but I still couldn’t tell her. I’d rather have her lasting image of me be the person she thinks I am, not who I really am. As least I finally got that kiss before I said good-bye.

  “You told me you only thought of him as a friend,” Marta says accusingly, pointing to his journal.

  “I do. Did. Things were different that last night. He was scared for both of us. We did some things we shouldn’t have. It was all
a reaction to the situation,” I say, my mind drifting back to that night.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I nod and start telling her about one of the best moments of my life, knowing I’ll have to keep a few details to myself.

  Chapter 23: August 1 (Day 14 Continued)

  I had dinner duty so once we got back to the campsite, I began boiling beans and rice. JC sat by himself under a tree and Bling stayed in his tent. Neeky and Mia sat together, but were quiet. Chris was the only one who spoke and that was to tell us a small storm was approaching and then to make plans for the next day with someone on the other end of her phone. Now two people would be joining us in the morning—the Jason substitute and someone to transport Bling and JC back to the Lodge. I kept hoping she’d change her mind, but she made it clear days ago that there was a zero tolerance policy for fighting. She was always one who stuck to the rules.

  After we finished a silent dinner and washed the dishes, JC held out his hand to me. “Come with me?” he asked.

  “Where?”

  “There’s a rocky ledge over here with a nice view.”

  I took his outstretched palm and allowed him to help me stand. Chris had her eyes on us as we walked away but didn’t tell us not to go. We didn’t walk very far, only a few hundred feet through scrub trees and shrubs. If I looked over my shoulder, I could still see the fire.

  I lowered myself to the ground and crossed my feet. JC sat next to me with his legs stretched out. The sun was dropping towards the horizon quickly, playing games with the low-hanging clouds and painting pinks and oranges between the distant mountain peaks.

  “It’s pretty,” I said.

  “Yeah. Makes you almost forget everything that’s wrong, huh?”

  I shrugged. Nothing would make me forget that he was going home the next day. I wasn’t sure what would happen without him there.

  “What will you do after I leave?” he asked, sensing my own thoughts.