Breaking Free

by SM Koz

  “One month?”

  We slide into my car and buckle up. “Nope.”

  “Two?”

  I start the car. “Nope.” Reversing out of the garage, I say, “Three months from last week. That means … the middle of February.” With a laugh, I add, “Let’s say February 14th. Happy Valentine’s day to us!”

  He doesn’t join me in laughter, but he does finally give up and we talk about school the rest of the way to the cemetery. When we pull in, he doesn’t even question what we’re doing. I’m sure he knows who we’ll be seeing. I follow the circular drive around to her gravesite and then park the car.

  We both get out and then stand in front of her headstone. “The plastic star is a nice touch,” he says.

  “That was my contribution.”

  “I thought it might be. So, what do we do?”

  “Sit.” I tug him down next to me, both of us with half our backs against the granite.

  “Now what?”

  “We talk to her.”

  “About what?”

  “I usually talk about you. Or her family. Or sometimes school. Want me to start?”

  He nods.

  “Hey, Jenna. So, as you can see, this past week was quite a doozy. This is JC. Yes, the incredible, hot, out-of-this-world guy I couldn’t stop talking about for months. I’m sure you’ll agree he’s by far the best looking guy I’ve ever dated.”

  “I could get used to this,” he says, sliding his arm around my back.

  “He made a miraculous recovery, changed his name, and fled to California to be with the woman he loves. It’s the stuff of movies, really.”

  “We could have our own romantic comedy.”

  “I think we’re a little low on the comedy part. We’ve got plenty of tragedy, though. Is there such a thing as a romantic tragedy?”

  “I think that’s called Romeo and Juliet,” he says, squeezing my waist.

  “Oh.” My eyes wander to the valley below us as a light breeze causes red and yellow leaves to dance on their branches. I’m glad Jenna has one of the best views in the cemetery. “Let’s not end our story that way,” I say, turning to watch his face.

  “Never.”

  I lean into his body and tell him, “It’s your turn to say hi to Jenna.”

  “Hi Jenna. I hope I can live up to Mal’s expectations of me. I’m not nearly as good as she believes. She’s by far the better person and deserves someone closer to her caliber.”

  I squirm out of his grip and turn to face him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  He holds out his hand like Nana waiting for payment of the cussing fine. I know he’s trying to be funny, but I push it away. “What did you mean?”

  “Don’t be mad.”

  “I feel like you’re setting this up so you can just walk away from me someday for no good reason.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “You’ll be the one who walks away from me.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Because there are things about me you don’t know.”

  The journal. All those times he kept writing that he wanted to tell me something, but was afraid of how I’d react. What in the hell is this secret? “Tell me.”

  He bites his lip and raises his head toward the sky. Long moments pass, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “Holy shit, you are driving me crazy right now. Just spit it out. What is it?”

  He looks at me with such intense, focused eyes, I feel my blood run cold. This secret, whatever it is, is eating him up inside.

  “This is what you wrote about in your journal, isn’t it? The thing you were afraid to tell me back then.”

  He nods.

  “I love you, okay. Nothing is going to change that. You’ve looked past all the shit I’ve done. Why don’t you think I’ll do the same?”

  “You’ve done nothing compared to this.”

  I stand up and cross my arms over my chest. “What is it? You have like two seconds to tell me before I drive away and leave you here.”

  “You wouldn’t leave me here.”

  “You’re stalling again.”

  “You don’t understand what it’s like. I want to tell you so there are no secrets between us, but I’m afraid you’ll leave me as soon as I do.”

  “I won’t leave you.”

  I kneel down in front of him and hold his head in my hands. “JC, I don’t know how else to convince you. I’m not going anywhere. You can tell me anything. I won’t care. We all make mistakes. It happens.”

  “We don’t all kill people,” he whispers.

  “W—what?” I ask, sure I misunderstood him.

  “I’ve killed someone, Mal. With my bare hands. I beat him to death with a fucking crow bar!”

  I drop my hands from his face and stumble backwards, remembering when he asked if that’s how I killed Jenna. I had no idea he was basing what I thought was a ridiculous question on personal history. I’m sure I appeared totally appalled when he asked me that months ago.

  “Shit.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Why?”

  He can’t even look at me. He’s staring at the ground and a tear rolls down his cheek. “The court says it was in self-defense.”

  “Did he have a weapon?”

  “A gun … initially.”

  “What do you mean initially?”

  “I kicked it out of his hand. Then beat the shit out of him.”

  “Did you fear for your life?”

  “No. It wasn’t self-defense, Mal. He killed Jalen. When I looked into his eyes, that’s all I could see. I wanted to kill him like he killed my brother. I knew he was dying and I kept doing it. I was like a mad man. Kicking and hitting. I couldn’t stop …”

  He pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them. I crawl to his side and hug him. “Shh … it’s okay, JC.”

  “What if I snap like that again someday?”

  “You won’t.”

  “I almost did with Bling. If he hadn’t knocked me out, I might have.”

  “That’s why we’ve got our drugs and Marta.”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “I won’t let you ever do that again. I promise.”

  “How exactly will you stop me? You’re half my size.”

  “I’ll remind you how the guilt eats away at you and ruins your life. How you can’t focus on anything else and suddenly your life becomes what you did. Every person you pass on the street will look like him. Every voice you hear on the radio will sound like him. You’ll hide in your room covering your eyes and ears, but never be able to get rid of the image of those last moments. The last moments that you’d do anything to take back. Those moments that will haunt you forever. I’ve been there, JC. I know how it feels even if I wasn’t directly responsible for a death.”

  He looks up, revealing swollen eyes. “You were right in the woods. I hate myself for what I did. He killed Jalen, but I still hate myself for killing him. Then, I hate myself for giving a fuck about such a worthless piece of shit.”

  “Have you talked to Marta?”

  “She thinks it was self-defense. Whenever I say I feel guilty, she tells me I acted how I needed to act to save my life.”

  “You have to tell her the truth.”

  He shakes his head. “I can’t. If they think it wasn’t self-defense, they’ll send me to prison.”

  “No. It’s privileged information. She can’t tell anyone else. Plus, they’ve been continuously trying to kill you.”

  “They’re trying to kill me because I took out their number two.”

  Suddenly it all makes sense. This is why Bling was after JC. Retribution.

  I turn his head towards me so he’s looking at my face. “They’re a gang, JC. He killed a seven-year old child. No one is going to have sympathy for him. You made the world a better place by getting rid of him.”

  “I keep trying to tell myself that, but i
t doesn’t help.”

  “I know,” I say, pulling him closer and resting my chin on top of his head. “I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t mean much, but my feelings for you haven’t changed one bit.”

  He tilts his head up to look at me. Sniffling, he says, “It means a lot. I thought you’d be afraid of me.”

  I shake my head. “No. Never. You wouldn’t hurt me. You wouldn’t hurt anyone good. I don’t think you’ll ever hurt anyone again. It’s caused too much pain.”

  We sit like that for at least half an hour, until the moon is shining brightly and the stars start twinkling overhead.

  “Hey, JC?” I eventually ask.

  “Yeah?”

  “Was your court order for therapy fulfilled with your time in Wilderness Therapy?”

  “No. I have to work with Marta weekly over the next two years to get enough hours.” He stretches out his arms. “So, where are we going next for this date?” he asks, feigning an upbeat attitude, but his slumped shoulders and dark eyes make it clear he’s drained.

  “Well, originally, I thought we’d stop at IN-N-OUT Burger and then watch a movie at home. Once we got dressed up, I thought I’d take you to a nice Italian restaurant and then out to a movie.”

  “I think the first option sounds better. I’m not really feeling up to being out.”

  “Okay. We’ll do something nice another time. We can even bring the burgers home and chill out there.”

  We say bye to Jenna, pick up our food, and then return to my house. JC’s family is in the guest house and my dad and Daisy are sitting in the living room, next to each other on the couch. It seems he’s forgetting his aversion to dog hair on the furniture.

  “You two look nice,” he says, looking away from the movie on the television. When he spots the bag of burgers, he scoffs. “You got dressed up and went there?”

  “We visited Jenna and then decided to have a relaxing date at home instead of going out.”

  “So you probably want the living room to yourselves?”

  “That or my bedroom.”

  He jumps up and tells us he’ll be in his office.

  “You sure know how to clear out a room,” JC says, helping me get plates from the cabinets. We load up our food and then take them to the sofa to join Daisy. She wags her tail so I give her a fry.

  That night, we’re quiet. JC doesn’t even try to convince me to sleep with him, although we do both end up falling asleep on the couch. The last thing I remember is him kissing the scars on my arm and whispering, “You’re my fairy tale come true, Mal.”

  Chapter 41: November 22

  I spend Saturday with Elise like normal and then my dad wakes me up early on Sunday by pounding on my door.

  “What?” I mumble.

  “I have a great idea for today.”

  I yawn and then pad to the door. As soon as I open it, he pushes his way inside. “I forgot your birthday this year so I think we should celebrate it today.”

  “What?”

  “At Disneyland. We’ll take JC and his family. It will be fun. Just like your …” He scrunches up his forehead and then finally says, “fourth birthday.”

  “That’s funny. That’s exactly what Jenna wanted to do. She thought we should re-create the photo from that day.”

  “The one of you wearing mouse ears?”

  I nod.

  “Brilliant idea! Where is it?” he asks, looking around my room.

  I grab my baby book off my bookshelf and then flip to the end. It’s the last thing in there. It’s the last picture of me until I got my own camera in fifth grade.

  He pulls it out of the plastic and studies it. “We can do this,” he says, nodding.

  “I’m not sitting on your shoulders.”

  “Sure you are.”

  “I’m a grown woman and you’re in your fifties. It’ll probably give you a heart attack.”

  “Don’t be silly. I’m as fit as I’ve ever been. We’ll have to find some ears with a birthday hat when we get there. I’m sure they’ll have them in the gift shops …” He’s already planning the day in his head.

  “I have to meet with Marta,” I say, before he gets ahead of himself.

  “I already called her. You can text her later today to reschedule. Now, go get ready.”

  “Yes, sir,” I say with a salute and a laugh.

  While I’m showering and dressing, he runs to the guest house and shares our plans with JC’s family. By the time I’m done, everyone is together in our kitchen, drinking coffee and eating donuts.

  As soon as they see me, they break out in song. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you …” I roll my eyes, but let them finish.

  Once they do, I say, “You realize it’s not my birthday, right?”

  “Let your dad have his fun,” JC’s mom says. “He’s trying to make up for lost time.”

  JC rests his arm on my waist. I was a little worried our relationship might be strained after our conversation at the cemetery, but if anything, we’ve grown closer. I think we both realize that our love is completely unconditional. There’s no need for any secrets because we aren’t going to judge one another. We’ve both shown our unyielding love and acceptance and there’s nothing that can break that.

  “It’s not often I get to celebrate someone’s birthday twice in one year,” he says.

  “It’s not often that I have a fake birthday party.”

  He kisses me softly on the lips and then hands me his mug. “Coffee?”

  My dad’s watch beeps. “Time to go! We need to get there early so we don’t miss out on any of the rides.”

  I accept the mug and take a big gulp. I may need it to keep up with my dad all day.

  An hour and half later, we walk through the gates and experience the magic of Disney.

  “Have you ever been to a Disney park?” I ask JC as we stroll down Main Street holding hands.

  “No. This is something.”

  “Something good or something bad?”

  “Just something.”

  I nudge him in the ribs. “Doesn’t it make you feel like a little kid again?”

  “Maybe I’m not giving myself into the full Disney experience yet.”

  “We need to get you on a few rides and stuff some cotton candy down you, then see what you say.”

  When we reach the castle, my dad stops, opens up his map, and pulls out the picture. “This is where it was taken,” he says. “Should we do it now or come back later?”

  “Later,” I reply automatically.

  He nods. “I agree. It looks like the sun was going down in this picture.” He squints at the sky and then adds, “It will probably be right around three. We’ll come back then.”

  I shake my head at his seriousness over this. He is certainly feeling the Disney magic.

  We spend the next four and half hours making our way through Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, and Frontierland. Somewhere between Space Mountain and the Buzz Lightyear ride, JC turned into a little kid. It took all of about thirty minutes. After that, we’d barely exit one ride before he’d run ahead to see what was next. Poor Nana was getting so exhausted, hobbling on her cane to keep up with him, that we had to get her a wheelchair. Since then, he’s been rolling her with him.

  “So, are you having fun?” I ask, as we sit on Thunder Mountain, going up the first hill.

  “Yeah. This was a great idea. We should do this every year for your birthday.”

  “My real birthday or …” I twist his wrist so I can glance at his watch. “November 22nd?”

  He smiles and leans over to kiss me just as we reach the top of the hill. When we begin our descent, his arms fly up and he screams the entire way down. I scoot a little closer to him and enjoy his playful side that’s totally new to me. We’ve never been in a situation like this. It’s always been hard work or someone’s hurt or we’re exposing our raw scars to each other. Right now, we’re forgetting all of that and just having fun. I could definitely get used to this.

 
; When the ride is over, we gather by Nana who was waiting under a tree. My dad pulls out the photo again and holds it up to the sky. Rotating his body a bit, he says, “I think it’s time. Let’s go to the front of the castle.”

  We follow him and then JC and I sit on a bench, sharing a funnel cake while he searches stores for the mouse ears with a birthday hat. Nana and JC’s mom look at the map to find a good place for dinner.

  “Got it!” my dad yells, joining us again in no time. “Put this on.”

  I take it from his hands, but it’s really tiny. “I think this is for kids, Dad.”

  “That’s all they had. We’ll have to make do.”

  I try stretching the elastic over my chin, but it feels like it’s going to snap, so I dig a couple bobby pins out of my bag to use instead. Once I have it clipped on, I model for everyone, turning around so they can see me from every angle. “How do I look?’

  “Lovely,” Nana says.

  “Very nice,” JC’s mom says.

  “Perfect,” my dad, says referring to the photo.

  “Ridiculous,” JC says, hugging me from behind. “But you know you’re always beautiful to me, even with mouse ears three sizes too small.”

  My dad holds the picture up again and positions himself in the perfect spot. “Okay, Kelsie, climb on my shoulders.”

  “How about I stand next to you?”

  “No, no. We’ve got to do this right. You’re a cheerleader; you should know how to get up there.”

  “Usually I climb on someone’s leg.”

  “Here, I’ll help you,” JC says, joining us. He picks me up by my waist as my dad squats down a little.

  “Don’t let him fall,” I say to JC as my dad tries to stand with all my weight. He grabs onto his arm and helps him up.

  “You take the picture,” my dad says to JC, handing him his phone and the photo. “Make sure we’re lined up just like this.”

  JC takes a few steps back and squints between the photo and the screen of the phone. He moves two feet to the left and then stares at the photo again. “Hey, you’re supposed to have an ice cream cone, Mal,” he says, walking back to us and showing my dad the photo.

  My dad stares at it and then says, “He’s right.” He hands JC a few dollars and tells him to go get one.

  “I can’t wait on your shoulders that whole time.”