by Lyssa Layne
“So, you’re Lana’s daughter then.”
Sawyer
And yours! I want to scream at him. I’m your daughter, too, but no, play it cool, Sawyer, don’t get overly excited. Unlike when a parent normally meets their child for the first time, covered in goo and screaming at the top of their lungs, I’m an adult and so is Dean Sawyer, so as much as I want to scream and yell in excitement, I also don’t want to scare him off. So, instead, I bob my head up and down quickly.
Not sure what to say next, I dig in my purse, pulling out Ms. Monkey and setting her on my lap as I search for one item in particular. Dean reaches over and picks up the stuffed monkey. I look up at him and watch his smile grow as he inspects the old toy.
“She gave it to you.” He nods happily then hands it back to me. “I wasn’t sure if she would or not.”
“I… I was sick and inconsolable so she gave it to me. From the moment she handed it to me, Ms. Monkey was my best friend, we were inseparable,” I explain, stuttering over my words.
Dean nods, looking as fatherly as I expected. “Good, I’m glad it was able to bring you comfort.”
I glance down in my purse and find what I’m looking for. Pulling out the torn playing card, I hold it up. Looking into his eyes, I search for truth. “I found you because of this. My mother had it stuck in her mirror, and it wasn’t until I started to clean out her house that I found it.” I pause, realizing I know have to tell him what happened to my mother. “She… she… she was in an accident and passed.”
Dean reaches out, taking my hand in both of his. He nods as his lips frown. “I heard the news. I’m very sorry for your loss, Sawyer. Your mother was an amazing woman.”
I blink quickly, not wanting to ruin this moment with tears. The warmth of his hands spreads down my arm and for the first time ever, I am feeling what it’s like to have the love of a father. He holds my hand a second longer, then lets go and reaches in his pocket. He opens his wallet and I suck in my breath when he pulls out the other half of the playing card.
“The card was from the night we met.” He pauses to smile. “I was home for the holidays. Your mother came into the VFW with her father and a friend of hers. Your grandfather didn’t stay long but the ladies did. She immediately caught my eye and I had to ask her to dance. Her moves on the dance floor were exceptional and I loved being her dance partner. I knew a few dances, but she became my own personal instructor that night.”
“You dance?” I whisper in utter amazement.
“Starting that night I did. When I was discharged from the service, I started taking lessons and I still do, every Monday evening. Your mother actually came to a competition with me as my dance partner the weekend I gave her that monkey.”
My jaw drops once again and I shake my head. This is far more than I ever could’ve expected but the question remains, why was he never in my life? Before I can come out and asks, he continues with his story.
“That night was probably the greatest night of my life. The funny thing is that your mother and I hardly talked because we just danced all night long. Her friend left with one of the other guys there, but Lana stayed, teaching me how to two-step until Ed, the bartender, kicked us out. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get her out of my mind and I had to have her number. I grabbed the closest thing to write on which,” he holds up the playing card, “was this. I tore it in half. Lana wrote her number on my side and I wrote the number to the VFW Hall because I was only in town visiting with one of my buddies. We offered to give her a ride home but she declined. It was a beautiful night out, even though it was December. I remember she said her parents wouldn’t be happy if she was dropped off by a couple of men she’d just met.”
I smile, that sounds like my grandparents. They were very old school and traditional, which is why I always assumed the never let my father in the picture since my mother got pregnant out of wedlock.
“When did you all meet again?”
Dean smiles softly. “About a month before she had you.”
I frown, shaking my head. “So then… did you two… that night you met?”
Dean looks at me with confusion. “What do you mean?”
“When did you two… I mean… you’re my father… right?” I blurt out, my stomach quenching as for the first time since we’ve arrived, I’m beginning to have doubts.
“Oh,” he says softly and puts the card back in his wallet. “Sawyer, I’m so sorry. I wish I could say yes but… I am not your father.”
My body goes numb. I feel pressure on my hand from Garrison but I feel nothing else. The wind has fallen out of my sails because I’m back where I started… a bastard child.
CHAPTER 24
Sawyer
Garrison and I sit in Dean’s office alone. The man I thought was my father left to give us some space. The only hope of a real family taken away from me just like my mother.
“Sawyer… talk to me,” Garrison urges. He now squats between my legs in front of me, rubbing my thighs as he tries to get me to talk. “Babe, say something.”
“I’m a bastard.”
“What?” Garrison asks, shaking his head. “No, you’re not. You’re a beautiful, strong woman who has gone her whole life without knowing her father. This does not change that. This does not change you. You will always be Sawyer Kingham, daughter of Lana Kingham, who loved you with every ounce of her being and raised you into the woman you are today. Do you understand that?”
A light knock on the door stops me from responding. Garrison and I both look at the noise where Dean Sawyer opens the door to his office, poking his head in first.
“Is it alright if I come back in?” he asks.
Garrison looks at me for permission and I nod slightly. Garrison stands up, moving protectively between myself and Dean. I stare at Ms. Monkey in my hands, hating her and everything she stands for.
“I was waiting for Sawyer to come see me. Lana had me draft a will for her a few years ago. I gave her copies of everything but I know Lana’s organizational system so I figured Sawyer would need the originals.” He holds up a neat and tidy file folder.
I stand up, leaning around Garrison so I can see him. “How often did you see her?”
Dean sighs. “Would you mind if I sat down and tell you about Lana and my relationship?”
Garrison looks over his shoulder at me then back to Dean, waiting for me to give the direction on where to take this situation. Knowing this might hurt, but how much worse could it be, I nod and sit back down. Garrison moves behind me, his hands resting on my shoulders as Dean takes the chair Garrison had been sitting in previously. He sets the file on his desk and takes a deep breath before he begins.
“Sawyer, I absolutely mean it when I say that your mother was the love of my life. I’ve dated since that night, and no one has ever compared to her.”
“Then, why weren’t you ever together?” I ask bluntly.
Dean shakes his head. “The timing was never right, but I never stopped waiting for her.”
“Well, she’s gone now, so you can stop,” I mutter hatefully, wanting to take my pain out on someone else in this moment.
“I’ll never stop, Sawyer,” Dean says softly. “I left the VFW that night and went back the rest of my stay in Memphis, hoping she’d call or stop by, but she never did. I called the number she gave me but it just rang and rang, no one ever answered. I left shortly after New Year’s on another deployment and came back eight months later. My family is from the St. Louis area, but they were all on a cruise over Christmas which is why I went to Memphis with my buddy, Casey, to spend the holidays with him and his family. When I came back from my second deployment, I hadn’t seen my family in over a year, but I returned to Memphis in hopes of seeing your mother again.”
Dean pauses before going on. “I’d been there four days with Casey and there was no sight of your mother. I called that number again and this time someone answered, your grandfather. He hung up on me, more than once, but I kept calling. Your mother told
me later that she was there when I called so that afternoon she went to the VFW, looking for me and I was there.”
His eyes light up, a smile twitching at his lips. “I have never been more eager to see someone than I was in that moment. Your mother was beautiful to begin with, but pregnancy suited her well. She was glowing with the most adorable baby bump. I took in her radiance then it hit me that she was pregnant and all the hopes of being with her rushed out of me. The second I was defeated, your mother wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me like we were the lost soulmates that we were. I held her tight and we embraced for what seemed like an eternity, I wish it had been. When we finally ended our hug, she took me by the hand and we spent the rest of the day finally getting to talk because we never did that first night when we danced all night.”
Irritated, and over the fairy tale I’d built up in my mind, I interrupt him. “Did she tell you who my father was?”
Dean frowns and shakes his head. “Neither of us discussed her baby belly until late that evening. We were at Casey’s parents’ house, sitting by the pond. Casey and his father were night fishing while Lana and I sat in a swinging porch chair, watching them from the edge of the water. We weren’t talking, just counting stars and enjoying each other’s company. At one point, she reached over and placed my hand on her stomach. I felt you kicking up a storm. Your mom moved my hand around her belly, chasing your baby kicks. To this day, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever experienced.”
I look over his shoulder where a picture of him climbing a mountain is framed. To the left of that picture, is another frame with him shaking hands with Red Schoendienst and Ozzie Smith, St. Louis Cardinals’ Hall of Famers. Anger boils through me as I feel like he’s lying, making up some story to be a true hero.
“I asked her about you for the first time as I felt your tiny feet kick against my palm. She refused to tell me who the father was, and only said he was no longer in the picture. I told her I’d step in, I’d help her, I’d be the father you needed.”
I snap my gaze away from the photos behind him and look directly in his eyes, trying to determine if he’s telling me the truth or not.
He shakes his head. “Lana told me no. She wanted to protect me, but I wanted to do the same for her. Your mother is headstrong and stubborn, Sawyer, I couldn’t sway her decision, even years down the road. I got out of the Army a couple years later and moved back to St. Louis, where I attended law school and started my practice. We never lost touch, writing letters to one another until email became a thing, then texting. We saw each other usually once or twice a year. I always gave her gifts for you, trying to show her that I was serious in my offer to be a family with the two of you, but she always laughed and told me that being a parent was more than buying presents.”
“That doesn’t make sense!” I bark, interrupting his version of their love story. “She never dated, ever. If you were serious and she was so in love with you, then why wouldn’t she have taken you up on your offer? You’re full of shit!”
I stand up, brushing past him, without saying a word. Tears burn in my eyes but I will not let him see me cry. I knew he was my father, I just knew it, but after that little dog and pony show he just gave, I know he’s nothing more than a heartless asshole which is why his profession is perfect for him. I’m back to where I started this journey, alone and empty with no family left in my life.
Garrison
I can almost see the knife Dean left in Sawyer’s back as she walks out of his office. I knew this was a bad fuckin’ idea, that nothing good would come out of this meeting, but Sawyer needed to do this. She needed to get answers, even if she didn’t like them. Shaking my head, I start after her, having no words of my own to share with Dean Sawyer.
“Mr. Cocuzzo?” he calls after me, standing up.
I glance over at my shoulder, wondering what the hell he might have to say.
He picks up the file from his desk and holds it out to me. “Please make sure she reads through this. If either of you have any questions, please call, I wrote my personal cell phone number down.”
I scoff and shake my head. “I don’t think we’ll be needing anything else from you.”
“Fair enough,” he comments as he clears his throat. “Please have her read through the entire file. I think there may be some information she’s looking for in there.”
Puzzled, I thumb through the file and see a small envelope with Sawyer’s name handwritten on it. I lift an eyebrow and look at Dean.
He nods. “Lana was a beautiful soul. She only did what she thought was best for her and Sawyer, Mr. Cocuzzo. Hopefully, Sawyer will understand that one day.”
This man hasn’t done anything wrong, other than shatter Sawyer’s dreams of him being her father. I extend my hand and Dean reaches out, shaking it firmly. Our eyes meet and in that brief moment, I know that Dean Sawyer is one of the few people in my life that can be trusted. Now though, is not the time for business deals so I excuse myself and chase after Sawyer.
I get all the way to the parking garage and there’s no sign of her. I stop by the Beast, pausing only briefly to scan the floor for any signs of Sawyer as I try to catch my breath. Fuck, where the hell could she be? I walk between the passenger side of the Beast and the car between us and that’s when I hear her. Slowly, I walk to the front of the vehicle and find her on the ground, her head resting on her knees as she sobs softly.
“Babe…” I say softly, trying to make my way to her but the space is barely big enough for her, much less both of us.
Sawyer doesn’t acknowledge my presence so I call to her again, a little louder. “Come on, Sawyer, come here. We’ll figure this out.”
Sawyer looks up and for the first time since I’ve met her, anger flurries through her eyes. “No, we will not figure this out. There is nothing to figure out. I’m fatherless, a bastard. There is nothing you can do to change that so quit trying to fix everything, Garrison!” Her frustration is let loose in her words and tone.
I hold up my hands, trying not to take her words personally. “Okay, you’re right. I can’t fix it. Let’s just get in the car and head back to Memphis, I can go through this paperwork with you.”
Sawyer stands up, stomping her foot as she does. “What part of I don’t need you to fix everything do you not understand? My mother did everything on her own and so can I.”
I sigh, knowing this is a losing battle. “You’re right, Sawyer, you can. Let me take you back to Memphis and you can go through the paperwork while I finish boxing things up.”
She steps on the bumper to move out of the small space she’d trapped herself in. She stands before me, her chest touching mine as she breathes heavily. “Dammit, Garrison, listen to yourself! I can do it on my own, EVERYTHING! You’re a man and all men are the same. They leave when shit gets hard, so follow suit and do the same!”
She’s upset, but now she’s being ridiculous. I grip her hip tightly with one hand, shaking her slightly, trying to get her to come to grips. “Fuck, Sawyer, not all men are the same. If you want to do all this shit on your own without any help, fine, but I’m not fucking going anywhere. I love you so fuckin’ deal with it.”
I lean down, kissing her passionately as she gasps at my statement. My hand gets tighter around her waist and I pull away slowly, hoping she understands what I’m saying.
“When do you leave for your deployment?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.
Her words are like a kick to the balls and I shake my head.
“You’re leaving, Garrison, so go, better to end this now.”
“That’s not fair, Sawyer…”
“But it’s the truth,” she says, walking around me and climbing into the Beast.
CHAPTER 25
Garrison
It’s dark outside by the time I walk into Cuzzo’s house. My shirt is sticky from sweat and my heart is still broken from the last word’s Sawyer spoke to me, “...it’s the truth.” We drove back to Memphis in silence. After I parked the Bea
st in the driveway, I handed her the keys for probably the last time. We didn’t hug or kiss, we didn’t even look at each other. I simply placed the key ring in her hand and she marched inside her mother’s house. It may have been the last time I’ll ever see her, but I’ll never forget what she looked like walking away from me.
“Surprised you’re here,” Cuzzo comments as I close the garage door behind me.
I walk to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and downing it in a couple gulps before I acknowledge him and even then, I don’t really address his statement. “Why wouldn’t I be? You kicking me out?”
Cuzzo frowns from where he sits at the kitchen table. “I take it things didn’t go well.”
Scoffing, I grab another water and sit down across from him. “That’s one way of putting it. Dean isn’t her father, Sawyer thinks all men leave, and I told her I loved her.”
I look up at my grandfather, anxious to see his reaction regarding that last bit I threw in there. He purses his lips, not saying anything at first. I hate when he does this, I’ve seen him make this exact same face for years. He pretends that he’s pondering but in reality, he’s trying to force me into figuring things out for myself.
“Come on, Cuzzo, say something, don’t pull that shit on me right now.”
The old man smiles and shakes his head. “Guess I’m getting too old for you, aren’t I? Alright, where do you want me to start?”
I shrug as though he can see me and fiddle with the label on my water bottle. “Rip the Band-Aid off, tell me I shouldn’t have told her I loved her.”
“Do you?”
I look up from the plastic in my hands, puzzled by his question. “You don’t think I do because we haven’t known each other that long?”
