by Lyssa Layne
Cuzzo shakes his head. “I’m asking if you love her, Garrison. It’s a yes or no question.”
“I don’t think you honestly love her, Garrison, because if you did, you’d be there with her right now, not bitching to me about how shitty of a day it’s been.”
“She doesn’t want me, Cuzzo. She told me all men leave, and when I tried to tell her she was wrong, she brought up the fact that I head back to the Navy soon.”
“So,” Cuzzo waves his hands then crosses his arms, “you proved her point.”
I open my mouth to object then close it. Fuck me, Cuzzo’s right. Sawyer threw it in my face that I was leaving, she knew that before we even met with Dean. She was testing me, and I fuckin’ failed. Standing up, I grab the bottle of water and run out the front door, hoping like hell I’m not too late to get a passing grade on the most important test of my life.
Sawyer
It sucks to be alone, not just by yourself in the moment, but alone in life. The only family I’ve ever had has been my grandparents and my mother. Now, they’re all gone, and I’m left here on Earth alone. I guess part of the reason I wanted to find my father was so that I knew I had someone out there, someone that was family, but now, that option is long gone as well. So, here I am, all alone, packing up my mother’s house and praying I’ll be able to get out of this town within the next twenty-four hours because not only do I have no living relatives, but I managed to shove away the only person I’ve been connected with since my mother passed.
Digging in the back of her closest, I found a box. I pull it out and note that is already packed. I frown, not recalling leaving this here. I pull open the tabs and stare into the box, shocked at the contents. Slowly, one by one, I pull out one toy after another… a Furby, a pink haired Troll, a Skip-It, basically all the popular toys of the nineties. Dean Sawyer wasn’t lying, he wasn’t just trying to make himself look good, he honestly did the things he told me he did. Now, I feel like an ass for walking out of his office the way I did. Sighing, because quite honestly, I think after the last few weeks all of my tears are dried out, I pick up the box and carry it downstairs.
Ready to see some kind of change, I spend the next twenty minutes loading up the Beast with all of the boxes that Garrison and I have packed the last few days. The trunk area full, I open the door to the backseat to fill it up when I see the folder from Dean. I set the box in my hands on the floorboard and carry the file back inside. I continue carrying boxes out to the Beast, staring at the folder every time I walk past it.
Once the Beast is finally filled, I walk back inside and run my finger over the manila folder; I’m sure there’s nothing in here that I’m not already familiar with. I flip open the front and tears immediately fill my eyes when I saw an envelope with my name on it, written in my mother’s handwriting. Carefully, I tear it open, wiping at my tears so they don’t fall on the paper and mess up the ink on the paper. I pull out a handwritten letter, all in my mother’s handwriting and my heart swells. One last surprise from my mother, one last time to see her signature. I used to adore getting cards in the mail from her. It was always the highlight of my day when I saw her signature “OXXO, Mom.” I take my time unfolding the letter before I begin to read her final words to me.
Sweet Sawyer,
If you’re reading this, I’m hoping you’re old and gray with grandchildren of your own, because it means I have left this Earth, but we both know that life changes quickly, so while I hope I’ve lived a long life, I may have been taken from you when we both least expected it. We may not have had that one last conversation, I might not have gotten to tell you how much you mean to you, and you may still have questions unanswered. I’m hoping that this letter will serve for as all of that for you.
First, my baby girl, I want you to know that my life didn’t start until I held you in my arms. I was young when I had you, I didn’t know what I wanted out of life or what I was even going to do, but the second the doctor set you in my arms, I knew exactly what my life was meant for. I know you longed to get out of this small town since you were a teenager, and I once felt that way too. Then, you came along and I decided I never wanted to leave Memphis, selfishly because then I wouldn’t have to share you with the rest of the world.
I wanted nothing more than for the two of us to conquer the world together. I thought we could do that from Memphis but I was wrong. You grew up; you were brave, and you flew off into the big, scary world outside of our town limits. You made me so proud, Sawyer, you did what I could never do because I was scared. Oh, sweet girl, here I am your mother, supposed to be teaching you the way of the world, but in fact, you taught me so much more than I ever taught you.
Now, here’s the hard part I’m about to share with you. You asked me many times and I avoided it as much as possible because I didn’t want you to be scared or worse, feel pity for me. I didn’t want you to know I was weak, I only wanted you to know what a strong mother you had. You might wonder then why, now that I’m gone, I’m choosing to tell you who your father is. Well, because as much as it pains me, it’s not fair to keep you in the dark any longer. So, I’ll wait for you to grab some Kleenex before I tell you about the night you were conceived.
My heart races and I try to skim the rest of the letter, but tears blur the words and I’m afraid of smearing the story of my conception. Jumping up, I grab a paper towel from the counter and take the letter to the front porch. I sit on the swinging porch as the sunsets, ready to find out the truth about where I came from.
Alright, here goes, Sawyer, your father…
It was right after Christmas when grandpa took my friend Debbie and I to the VFW Hall to visit some of his friends. Almost immediately, I spotted the most handsome man I’d ever seen. His name was Dean Sawyer. He came over and talked to me and we spent the rest of the evening dancing. It was the most romantic night of my life, and I knew this man was my soul mate. When the night ended, he split a playing card in half and we exchanged numbers. I kept that card on the mirror in my room, thinking of him every day that passed after we met that first night. Over the years, you asked me many times what it was and I always told you that it was just an old friend’s phone number. Anyway, after we exchanged numbers, he and his friend offered me a ride home, but I knew your grandpa would not be happy if he saw two men dropping me off that late at night. Besides, the weather was warm for December, and the stars lit up the night so I decided I’d walk home.
On cloud nine, I meandered through the square, thinking about dancing with Dean. I didn’t know much about him because we didn’t talk, we simply listened to the music and twirled around the dance floor. You know how lost we can get in our dancing, and that’s exactly how it was with Dean. I was lost in my thoughts as I passed town hall until I heard my friend Debbie who had left shortly before I did with a man she’d met that evening, too. His name was Sam Ellington. She was crying so I called out to her, following her whimpers. I looked beside the stone stairs and I saw her curled up in a ball. I ran to her, wanting to help my friend, but when she saw me, she shook her head and started waving her hands for me to leave, but it was too late. Sawyer, this part is hard to tell you because something as wonderful as a child should be conceived in love but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case with you. I’ll spare you the details but sweet daughter of mine, from the moment I knew you were in me, there was nothing but love for you, from me, your grandparents, and even from that kind man I met that night. I never wanted you to know the truth, but you’re an intelligent woman and I know I can’t keep this secret from you forever, hopefully, just long enough for you to be able to handle the hard truth that this is.
I was right. Dean, the man I danced with that night, was my soul mate. He offered to be your father, not just once, but time and time again. I told him no because he had bigger dreams of law offices in big cities, and I wanted to keep you all to myself in this small town. My love for you was bigger than my love for him but that doesn’t mean he and I didn’t have a great love story
. I only hope that one day you find your great love like I found Dean.
Sweet Sawyer, know that you’ve made me proud and understand that if I could have a re-do of that night, I would change nothing because if I did, I would’ve never had you and I can’t imagine my life without the wonderful daughter I was given that night. You were always my world, my reason, and I want you to know, Sawyer, that I loved you with every fiber of my being. Now, stop crying, put away this letter and go live your life. Be the amazing woman I raised you to be, the one that showed me what my life was meant for, and love, Sawyer, love with every fiber of your being.
~OXXO~
Mom
P.S. Thank Dean for your dance lessons over the years.
CHAPTER 26
Sawyer
The porch swing sways back and forth in the warm evening air. The sun is fully set and the crickets chirp around me. My tears are dry and I sit here, replaying my mother’s letter in my head. I’ve read it enough times that I have it memorized as it plays on repeat in my mind. It’s only been about thirty minutes, but I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced every emotion possible and now, I’m just numb again. Interrupted from my thoughts, Garrison calls out my name. In the darkness of the night, I can’t see him but I hear his heavy breathing.
“Up here,” I answer.
A few seconds later, he’s walking up the steps to the porch. He nods toward the swing. “Can I take a seat?”
I nod, scooting over to make room for him. Garrison sits down beside me, still wearing the khaki pants and polo shirt he wore to Dean’s office earlier. Now, the shirt is drenched in sweat as it looks like he ran all the way here. Reaching down in my lap, I hand him the letter, not saying a word. Getting up, I turn on the porch light so he can read, and then I take a seat beside him, playing the letter in my mind as his eyes scan from one side to another.
Garrison finishes faster than I did and looks over at me. “You alright?”
I pull my knees to my chest and shrug, setting my head on my legs. “I have my answer and I met my father so I guess I got what I wanted.”
Garrison nods, hesitant as to what to do or say next.
“Look, about earlier, I was wrong about Dean and you and—”
He leans over, kissing me to shut me up, which is nice because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do besides ramble. When we finish kissing, he wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. I lean my head against him and sigh, feeling some familiarity of contentment and love.
“You were right, I leave on Monday, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you, Sawyer. I meant what I said about us giving it a shot, seeing where this might go, so don’t give up on me, okay?”
I look up into his eyes, swallowing hard before I ask, “What about the love part? Did you mean that, too?”
He runs the back of his hand down my cheek. “I did. I love you, Sawyer.”
I smile and kiss him softly. “I love you, too, Garrison Cocuzzo.”
Garrison
“You sure you can finish up the house on your own?” I ask Sawyer, my hands on her hip.
She lets out an exasperated sigh because I’ve only asked this about three hundred times, and that’s just been since we left Memphis a few hours ago.
“Yes, I’ll be fine,” she mutters, kissing me in an effort to distract me from the rest of my twenty questions.
It works as I let her tongue slip into my mouth and circle mine, but I pull back before it gets any further. “You can store whatever you need at Cuzzo’s. My buddy Jason’s brother is twenty minutes away in Bible Grove. He’s going to meet you at your mom’s on Wednesday and help you finish up so you can get back to New York.”
“I know, I know! You’ve already told me this twenty million times, and wrote it down, and programmed it in my phone. I’m a big girl, Garrison, I’ll figure it out.” She pretends to be irritated at my thoroughness, but I can see her approval in her eyes. She’s just not used to having someone take care of her.
Leaning down, I kiss her passionately, gripping my hands on her waist and taking her by surprise. She moans in my mouth as she slides her arms around my neck. My body fires up, reacting to her like it always does and I wish my plane didn’t leave in an hour or else I’d take her back out to the Beast for one more lovemaking session.
“Call me when you can, no matter what time it is, okay?” she whispers, a slight hint of vulnerability in her voice.
It concerns me and my mind starts to run through ways I can delay this deployment which I know is impossible. “Of course and remember, you have Cuzzo. If you need anything at all, call him and he’ll take care of you, even in New York. Promise me that you’ll call him?”
I raise an eyebrow, knowing how stubborn she can be. Cuzzo may be in small town Memphis, Missouri, but our family has plenty of connections, so no matter where Sawyer travels, she’ll always have someone to look out for her.
She nods. “Of course I will, he’s family,” she says with a smile that melts my heart. I can rest easy now, knowing that she knows she’s not alone. She kisses me softly and drops back to her flat feet. “Be careful out there, sailor,” she says with a giggle, reverting back to her old defense mechanism and I’m glad she’s not crying because I highly doubt I’d be able to walk away from her if she was.
“I love you, Sawyer Kingham,” I say softly as I lean my head against hers.
Sawyer smiles. “I love you more, Garrison Cocuzzo. Now, go so you can hurry up and come back!”
I laugh and kiss her one more time as I leave the woman I love.
EPILOGUE
Eight months later
Sawyer
The beat moves fast, but it’s still a four count that I repeat in my hand. A smile stretched across my face hides the pain in my body that radiates from the bottoms of my feet to the ache in my biceps. My partner twists me, and I know we’re a split second too fast. I try to slow myself on the turn and miraculously, it works and we’re back on count. My dress twirls as we move quickly across the dance floor and then, the music ends. I find myself breathing hard, my heart racing from the exhilaration of the dance and the smile I had plastered to my face as we competed is now replaced with a truly happy smile because I know we just rocked that cha cha.
It’s the Pro-Am Ballroom Dance Competition, it’s what we, professional dancers strive to compete in. Winning this competition opens so many doors of opportunities that can advance careers quickly. The judges whisper amongst themselves and turn in their scoresheets. My partner and I are escorted off the dance floor. Now, we wait for our competition to dance and bite our nails anxiously for the final results. Walking off the dance floor, I smile as I see a familiar face.
“Cuzzo!”
The old man looks in my direction, a grin on his face. “Sawyer, you were beautiful out there!”
I laugh and give him a hug. “Thank you for coming.”
Cuzzo shakes his head, his sunglasses covering his eyes. “I wouldn’t miss watching you dance for the world.”
I take his hand and squeeze it. “I’m guessing Garrison asked you to come in his place?”
Cuzzo shrugs. “Ask him yourself.”
I furrow my eyebrows, confused at his statement. Garrison is still at sea and isn’t supposed to be home from deployment for another four months. I never fully understood what love was until Garrison walked into my life. It’s amazing how loved he can make me feel when he’s miles away from me. I’m excited to see what life will be like with him when we’re physically in the same location. Still baffled and unsure what he’s implying, Cuzzo sighs at me and points toward the door. The most handsome man in the world stands there in his white Navy dress uniform. Despite my aching feet from my dance shoes, I run toward the door, ready to throw my arms around him, but I’m stopped by yet another surprise.
“You dance as gracefully as your mother did.”
“I… um… what are you doing here?” I stuttered over my words before flat out asking Dean Sawyer why he’s here. Remember
ing how awful I was to him just eight months ago in his office, I quickly shake my head and apologize. “I’m sorry, that was rude. Thank you, Dean, that means a lot to me.”
He smiles and nods. “I know your mother had her reasons for us not being together but I’m hoping it’s not too late for us to still have some kind of relationship. I miss her dearly and seeing you helps keep her spirit alive. I loved her, Sawyer, I always did and I always will.”
I step toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I’d like that a lot, Dean, and I’d love to hear stories of her.”
He hugs me back in a way that only a father could. I close my eyes, my heart racing but not from my dance, from being full of love. I went from being alone and family-less to now having three men in my life who are the best family I could ask for. I open my eyes and look at Garrison, a man who loves me the way Dean loved my mother, and I know everything will be alright.
Garrison
I watch as Dean hugs Sawyer and I’m glad I decided to step in and invite him to come to her competition. I want nothing more than for Sawyer to know how incredibly loved she is in this world, which is why I have a box in my pocket.
Cuzzo moves beside me and nods in Sawyer’s direction. “Dean show up?” he asks since he can’t see what Sawyer’s doing.
I nod. “Yep, he’s a good man, Cuzzo.”
Cuzzo grins as Sawyer and Dean make their way toward us. Despite my grandfather and Dean standing there, she doesn’t hesitate to step to me and kiss me inappropriately in front of them. I smile as I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close. I’ve dreamt of this moment from the day I left her at the airport eight months ago. This is the woman I want to kiss for the rest of my life, this is the woman I want to share my name with, this is the woman that I want to protect for all of my days.
