I shouldn't have let it go that far, but one night I was having a really hard time getting rid of the memories of Nick and the way it felt when he stole my innocence. Louie was there for me and it just sort of happened. It helped me realize that what was done to me doesn't define who I am. Just because I had one bad experience with sex, doesn't mean that every experience will be like that. But afterwards, I knew we had gone too far and so I told him it couldn't happen again. Since then, things have been really strained between us. I love him, but I don’t love him like that. Sometimes I wish I did. It would make things so much easier.
“You had a bad day? What the fuck happened? Does it have anything to do with Blaze showing back up at the clubhouse with a busted-up nose when he was supposed to be getting inked?” He knows something went down, but he doesn’t know what. He also knows that he can only push me so far with certain things before I shut down.
“Leave it alone, Louie.” I walk over to my couch, plop down, and take another swig from the bottle.
“Leave it alone? Leave it alone! You’re here drowning yourself in a bottle of tequila and Blaze is back at the clubhouse saying it was all a misunderstanding! I’m going to ask you one more fucking time what the fuck is going on before I go back to Blaze and start beating the fucking answer out of him!” He’s panting and shaking with anger. Well, he can kiss my ass. I don’t owe him or anyone else any-fucking-thing. “Fuck. You,” I say through clenched teeth, then get up and go to my room.
I pass Toby on my way there but don’t stop to acknowledge him. Hopefully he will be smart and let it be. But of course, no such luck.
“Dani girl, did he hurt you?” Typical Toby, direct and right to the point. When Toby talks, you listen. He's the quiet type, always observing everything that goes on around him. And brooding and deadly when he needs to be. I hate it when he’s like this. The way he looks at me with brotherly love makes me feel like no matter what, he will always have my back. I can never keep anything from him when he flat out asks me.
I sigh as I sit down on my bed. “He didn’t hurt me, okay? Zane, or Blaze…I grew up with him, or at least mostly,” I start. Toby squats down so he is eye level with me and takes hold of my hands, urging me to go on. I see Louie out of the corner of my eye, standing stock still by the door of my room. But if I want to continue telling the story, I can’t look at him, so I focus on Toby because he truly is my rock.
“When I was thirteen, he and his brother Zeke moved next door to my grandmother.” I see recognition cross his face. “Yeah, that Zeke. Anyway, after Zeke died, Zane and I became closer as friends. But then everything changed between us, at least for me.” I take a sip of the tequila to help me go on.
“I started noticing things about him, but didn’t know why. Then it hit me; I was falling in love with him.” I feel a tear roll down my cheek, but when Toby goes to wipe it, I flinch away. If he touches me, I won’t be able to continue.
“After he graduated, things went from bad to worse. I missed him like crazy, but he was distant. Then over Thanksgiving break it went too far. Zane came home unexpectedly, and one thing led to another. We didn’t have sex, but it was close. I fell asleep in his arms, only to wake up to a letter from him telling me that it had all been a mistake. That he loved me, but only as a friend. That he couldn’t lose me and that he was sorry.” I heard Louie growl, but I ignored him. I wasn’t done with my story, not even close.
“We barely talked during the next year-and-a-half. During my last year in high school, my birthday and graduation passed with nothing from him. But then my grandmother died, and I lost it. I was completely alone. My mom died, Dad left me, Zeke was killed, Zane wasn’t around, and now my grandmother was gone. After the funeral, Zane showed up out of the blue. We fought and then he apologized over and over for not being there for me. He promised that we would fix things between us. I figured as long as I had him in my life, everything would be okay. I couldn’t lose him, I just couldn’t. He talked me into coming to school in Austin with him, so I packed up what I needed and left a month and a half later. The night I arrived at school, we ended up at a party. He started getting cozy with some girl, which was fine. But then when I got back from the bathroom, he was gone. I didn’t think he’d leave me, so I sat and waited for him. But he never came back. I went looking for him and ran into this guy.”
I stop there, not sure if I can go on. It’s still raw to think about that night, especially today and knowing Zane is close. I glance up into Toby’s eyes, looking for strength. He squeezes my hand and waits for me to continue.
“I asked him if he had seen Zane. I had a headache and wanted to leave. He said that he saw him a while ago, but would go look for him to let him know I wasn’t feeling well. He told me to wait for him in one of the rooms since it was quiet in there. When he came back, he said that Zane had left with the girl a while ago, and that they were hooking up but Zane left his truck for me to drive home. He left me there, didn’t even bother to tell me he was leaving. I think I started crying and the guy hugged me. At first, I was confused, but then it kind of felt nice to be comforted. I was so upset that I meant so little to Zane.”
Shaking my head, I continue. “But then the guy started kissing me. I was so shocked at first that I didn’t think to push him away, but finally I realized what was going on. I tried to make him stop, but he was too strong…I-I c-couldn’t get him o-off of me…” A loud sob cuts me off. I start crying so hard, I’m not getting enough air. I can almost feel his hand over my mouth. I can feel him ripping my panties off, pushing inside me…
“Hey…hey, look at me,” Toby says as he grabs my face, making me concentrate on him.
Finally, after a couple of minutes, I calm down enough to continue. “After he was done I ran out. I left in Zane’s truck and went to the nearest store. I bought new clothes and the morning after pill since he never used a condom. I drove back to my dorm and tried calling Zane, but he wouldn’t answer. I left voicemails and sent text messages, not telling him what happened, but that I needed him. But he didn't respond until about an hour later.”
I harden my gaze and first glance at Louie, who is standing in my doorway with his hands balled into fists at his sides, then to Toby, who has a look of anguish mixed with anger on his face. I use my own anger and feed off of theirs to finish my story.
“He said he wasn’t always going to be there for me and I needed to learn to take care of myself. That was it. He never even asked what had happened or if I was okay. So I drove to my grandmother’s house, packed all my shit, and hit the road. I haven’t spoken to or seen him since.” Now they know everything that happened to me. I’ve bared all of my secrets, all of my scars.
The sound of someone punching the wall causes me to look up and into Louie’s eyes. He has murder written all over his face. Before I can say anything, he turns and stalks through my living room. Then I hear something make a banging sound and glass breaking. I jump up and run into the room to see the front door hanging from its hinges and my grandmother’s crystal angel lying broken on the floor. Louie’s gone and there is only one place he could be going: to find Zane.
Chapter 17
I make it outside seconds after he does, but I’m still too late. I catch only a glimpse of Louie speeding down the road on his bike before he is gone. I run to my truck, fumbling with my keys to get it unlocked. I have to go after him.
“Dani, wait!” Toby is right behind me, but I don’t have time to explain anything. I need to get to the clubhouse.
He grabs my keys and turns me around.
“Toby, I need to go after him!” I yell, trying to get the keys back.
Without answering, he takes my hand and pulls me over to his bike. I don’t question him anymore, knowing we’ve wasted enough time already, and hop on behind him. The engine roars. I barely have time to wrap my arms around him before we are off, speeding down the road after Louie. Please let us make it there in time. I don’t even know who I’m going there to stop—Louie or
Zane. It doesn’t really matter, as long as I get there before shit hits the fan. It’s not Louie’s fight, it’s mine. And if anyone kicks Zane's ass, it will be me.
We make it to the clubhouse faster than I thought possible, but not fast enough, because I can already see Louie’s bike parked haphazardly by the door. Fuck! Maybe Zane isn’t even here though, right? Yeah, and I’m best friends with that bitch Destiny.
Toby has barely stopped before I’m off his bike and running toward the door. I’ll think about what I’m going to do once I get in there and can see what is going on. Then I can come up with a game plan.
I bust through the door in time to see Zane block a punch from Louie. I don’t know if words were spoken first or if Louie just walked in swinging. All I know is that I need to stop this before it goes any further.
I run up and wedge myself between the two of them. “Stop it! Louie, back the fuck off!”
If he hears me, he doesn’t show it, because he tries to go right through me to get to Zane. I push him back and get right in his face.
“Walk away, Louie, before I really get pissed off!” I’ve never been violent when it comes to Louie, but he is waging a war that isn’t even his to fight.
Again, Louie is either so far gone in his rage that he doesn’t hear me, or he chooses to dismiss me. Wrong fucking answer either way. I push him back a second time, but as my hands land on his chest, he surprises me by sweeping his arm and pushing me out of his way. The brush-off is so hard and completely unexpected that I fall into a nearby table.
I’m not sure if Zane was holding back because he wasn’t sure what Louie was pissed about or if he didn’t think it was justified, but as soon as he sees me land on the table, he loses it. I’ve never seen him like this before—like he’s possessed or something. He rushes Louie and throws a lightning fast left-handed punch to Louie’s face, then follows up almost simultaneously with a right uppercut.
Louie flies backwards into Mack, who I didn’t even see was there.
“If you ever fucking put your hands on her again, I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you. Do you hear me?” Zane yells as he points a finger in Louie’s direction.
Mack makes sure Louie is able to stand on his own before he walks over to me. “You all right, darlin’?”
Now that he mentions it, I think I hit my backbone on the edge of the table, but I won’t tell anyone that. It will no doubt make Louie feel like shit because he caused it and seeing how Zane is giving him a look of death, it would be best to keep that information to myself. “Yeah, Mack, I’m good.” I stand up and look at Zane, then back to Mack, not sure if he knows my history with Zane. He'll find out soon enough, though. I won't be able to keep this from him any longer. I can only hope he isn’t upset with me for not telling him years ago.
Looking at the three of us, Mack first addresses Louie. “You—go get a drink and calm the fuck down. And if you ever lose your shit like that again around my little girl, I’ll kill you myself.” Not even waiting for a reply, he turns to Zane. “You—my office. Now.” Zane hesitates for only a second before giving him a slight nod. He looks at me and heads toward the back of the bar where Mack’s office is located. Once he's out of sight, Mack turns to me.
“Look, I don’t want to be telling you what to do, but it’s about time you both clear the air.” I open my mouth to tell him that it’s a little more complicated than that, that he doesn’t even know what happened, but he raises his hand to stop me. “I know that you both have some history. Blaze told me a little about what happened. I’m not saying that he was right to do what he did all those years ago, but you need to hear his side of the story. So you’re going to go into my office, and you aren’t going to come out until you two talk this shit out.” He gives me a hard look that means I better not argue. Then he turns and walks to the bar.
Since I’ve pretty much lost any buzz I had going before Toby and Louie barged into my place tonight and I know I’m going to need some liquid courage to make it through talking things over with Zane, I step behind the bar for a bottle of Jack. Mack either doesn’t notice what I’m doing, or he knows I need this. Either way, he doesn’t say anything. Time to get this over with—for better or worse, this shit ends tonight.
***
I stop outside the door to Mack’s office and take a deep breath, trying to prepare for whatever is about to happen. I honestly have no clue how this is going to turn out, but I do know I’m not looking forward to talking about that night. I’ve already had to go back in time once tonight, but I suppose it’s better this way. With Zane back in my life, at least for a while it looks like, we need to hash this out. Otherwise it will get in the way of my family, and after everything they have given back to me, I won’t do that to them.
Once inside, I close the door and look up into the eyes of the man who I loved more than anything. The man I would have walked through hell to have feel for me what I felt for him. But he’s also the man who walked away from me when I needed him the most, who fed me to the wolves and broke me beyond repair.
“Baby Girl…” he whispers, surprised to see me instead of Mack.
I walk around the desk and sit down across from him. Without saying anything, I grab two glasses and fill them with Jack. I don’t even wait for him to pick his up before I’m downing my first drink, then topping it off again.
Taking my time on my second glass, I sip slowly and set it down before looking at him. He still makes me feel like my heart will beat out of my chest. “Let’s get a couple of things straight. The friendship that we had years ago is gone. I don’t know you and I’m not sure if I want to, but the girl you used to know is dead. She died four years ago when you left her at a party to get your dick wet, so you can stop with all your ‘Baby Girl’ bullshit. I’m no one’s baby girl, least of all yours.”
I must have completely shocked him because he stares at me with his mouth hanging open—like a fish out of the water. I suppose when he knew me, I only spoke up about certain things. Well, he’ll have to get used to it if he plans on sticking around, because this is who I am now.
Finally, after a couple of minutes, he pulls himself together. Now when he looks at me, it’s with possession, as if I’m his. It has me wanting to turn away, but I refuse to back down. “First off, you will always be Baby Girl to me. Always. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that.”
I start to argue with him, to say that I don’t want anything to do with him anymore, but he gives me a look I’ve never seen before. It has me snapping my mouth shut and waiting for him to continue. “Let me talk, then you can have your say.”
He downs his drink in one swallow, then he begins to speak. “I know I fucked up a lot after I graduated, so let me clear up a couple of things.” He drops his eyes to his lap, then looks at me head-on. “I’ve been in love with you since that first day you came over to play with me and Zeke, but I didn’t think it was something I could act on or even tell you. At first I thought it was just puppy love, but after Zeke died, I knew that you were it for me.”
He grabs the bottle of Jack and refills his glass, so I take the time to digest what he said. He’s loved me since we first met? That can’t be right. Before I can think about it further, he continues. “I wanted to tell you so many times—either sit you down and speak the words or kiss you so you would know how I felt, but I never believed you would return my feelings. I was sure that you only thought of me as a friend. Then, when my senior year hit, I realized that even if you did want to be with me, you weren’t ready. I needed to leave you be so you could experience life as a teenage girl and not drag you down with me, especially since I wanted to join the Marines.”
I gasp out loud. He never once mentioned that he wanted to be a soldier.
“Yeah, I wanted to join like Zeke did, and I didn’t tell you because I knew it would bring up bad memories. The day I left for school, I got into a huge argument with my parents. They didn’t want me to join, afraid I would end up like Zeke, but I told th
em I would give school a shot, then decide later. Even though I was one hundred percent sure I was going to join, I figured I owed my parents that much, so I went off to college. I tried putting distance between you and me since you were dating that guy and I wanted to give you the opportunity to find someone that would deserve you. Though I didn’t think he was it, I had to let you go to figure that out on your own.” He looks away and is silent for a few moments.
“But then you told me that you broke up, and I couldn’t reach you to see what happened. I swore to myself that if he hurt you, I was going to kill him. But you wouldn’t answer your damn phone. That was also the day I had decided that I was going to quit school and join the Marines. I had so much to get done after I made that decision that I couldn’t come home for the holidays, but I had to know that you were okay. So I came to find you and make sure you were okay, which led to that amazing night together. It was better than anything I ever fantasized about…” His eyes are on me, but it’s like he is looking through me, back to that night. And what does he mean, it was amazing? The letter he left proves what he thought of that night.
“You mean the night you said was a mistake?” I almost growl at him. I can’t believe the shit he is spouting right now. Does he really think that I would believe him after all this time and everything he did?
“I only said that because I was afraid I would lose you. I’m sorry I hurt you, but it was either that and at least have a hope of keeping you as a friend, or tell you I love you. But fuck, if I had told you that I loved you, and then told you about my decision to join the military, what would that have done to us? Huh? Yeah, you would have supported my decision and stood behind me every step of the way, but it would have ruined us too. You would have worried and been scared, and that would have led to you resenting me or even hating me. As much as I wanted to be selfish and keep you, I knew I couldn’t. You have to understand, Danielle, I loved you more than anything and I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for you. For you!”
Rewriting Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC #1) Page 16
