I stand up so fast my chair hits the wall, but I don’t stop to look at it. I charge him. He stands up to ward me off, but I’m too pissed to be put off. “You did it for me? You arrogant piece of shit! You not telling me how you felt, keeping things from me, and making decisions on my behalf, is selfish, not the other way around! You should have fucking told me…” I stifle a sob, choosing to use the anger and pain to make me stronger. I try to hit him, but he sees it coming and grabs my arms, turning me around so my back is to his chest. Being pinned against him pisses me off even more. My body and heart are rejoicing in the fact that he is back in my life and holding me, but my head wants to override those feelings. I can’t let myself be weak, not for him, not again.
“Let me go!” I yell and struggle against him, but it’s no use. He’s too strong and the way he is holding me doesn’t leave room for me to do much.
“Calm down, Baby Girl, I’m not goi—”
“Don’t fucking call me that!” I yell over him. I don’t want him to use that name anymore. It’s wrong. It signifies everything that we used to be, everything we could have been, it all hurts to think about.
When he finally releases me, I move to the other side of the room to put distance between us. I keep my back turned so he can’t see how much this is effecting me.
“There’s only one more thing we really need to talk about—that night at the party.” I can hear anger in his voice, though I’m not sure if it’s because I left after that night or because of something else. I keep quiet, waiting for him to continue. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can walk out of this room and go on with my life like he never came back.
“Before you got to Austin, I got a phone call from my superiors that we were getting deployed within the next couple of months. I was so pissed off. Now that you were finally going to be with me it was all getting taken away before I even had it. I was going to tell you that I had joined and was no longer in school, but there was never the right time. I wanted you close to me so I could take care of you and have you with me, but I knew I would need to tell you sooner than I wanted to and you were going to hate me.” He lets out a long sigh, then continues.
“So when you got there, I took you to get some food because I figured you hadn’t eaten much and I needed more time to think of how I was going to tell you. Then I got that phone call and I thought it was a sign. It gave me more time, with the added benefit of having some drinks in us for when I did tell you.” He’s quiet for so long that I turn around and see him staring at the floor. As much as I hate to admit it, he looks like he’s suffering and that makes me happy. He deserves to suffer for what I went through because of him. I face him head-on, cross my arms, and wait for him to continue.
“I just wanted a distraction from wanting and needing you. That’s what that girl was. I took her outside in my truck, but it wasn’t enough to make me forget about you. She offered to go to my place and at that point, I was willing to do anything to get you out of my head. I thought you would be okay there if I left my truck for you to take home. You never had a problem being at a party by yourself before, but I should have known this was different; you didn’t know anyone. I wasn’t thinking straight, and for that I’m so sorry…”
Hearing him tell me he was sorry for leaving me there, even though he couldn't know what it led to, has a little bit of the ice in my heart melting. I hate that he is breaking down my walls, but I never could help it when it came to him.
“Zane…” What do I say to him? That I forgive him? I’m not even sure if I can forgive him yet. I need to let him know what happened after he left the party, so he will understand why I ran.
“Let me finish, please.” He looks me in the eyes, waiting for me to let him continue. “When I got your text messages telling me that you needed me, the only thing I could think about was that I was going to have to leave soon and I wouldn’t be there for you anymore. I was so pissed—at myself, at the world, and at you. I know I had no right to be angry with you, that it was all on me, but try to understand where I was coming from. I didn’t even think when I sent that text message to you, I only knew that I was hurting and I lashed out.” I can hear the anger in his voice and the self-hatred he must harbor.
“Then, the next morning, I had Liam drive me over to your place to apologize and to tell you about the Marines, but you were already gone. Liam was pissed that I had left you at the party, but I didn’t know why. Until he told me about a guy that was there. Then I saw the blood on the seat…I knew something happened, and I could have killed myself for not being there for you. I broke every speed limit on the way to your house, but I was too late. You were already gone. I found the letter you wrote and that was the end for me. I had lost the only thing that mattered to me, and it was no one’s fault but my own. And not only had I lost you, but I had played a part in physically hurting you, emotionally destroying you, and making you hate me.” I so badly want to tell him I forgive him, but I can’t. Not yet anyway.
“I will forever suffer for how I did things those last two years, but most of all, I will suffer for and regret the night I lost you for good. But I promise you this—that guy paid for what he did to you. He will never hurt you or anyone else again.”
He already knew about what happened to me that night? A part of me is happy that I don’t need to tell him, but another part feels shattered, knowing that he knows that I’m dirty, that I’m damaged goods. I never really thought about it before, but now that he knows, I wish he didn’t. I don’t want him to see me like that, as a victim, broken and used.
I have to get out of here and let all of this settle. He told me so much that it has my head spinning. I need some time. I turn toward the door and reach for the handle, but Zane puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me. It’s not a gentle gesture, but it isn’t hard either. Only enough to let me know that he doesn’t want me to leave. But I have to.
“I know you can never forgive me for what happened that night, but I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’m not letting you go. You are mine, you always were. I’ll give you space to think about what I said, but not for long. I love you, Baby Girl.”
I open the door and walk out in a daze. I want this day to be over already.
I make it out of the clubhouse without noticing who is there or trying to talk to me. The only thing I keep hearing in my head are the words I longed for for so long—I love you, Baby Girl.
Chapter 18
It’s been over a week since Zane explained what had been going on with him. He hasn’t made an appearance at the shop since, but then again, it’s not like he would randomly come here either after what happened the last time. And he doesn’t know where I live. He hasn’t sought me out and I haven’t been to the clubhouse because I’m not ready to face him yet, though he hasn’t been far from my mind.
I keep replaying what he said and piecing it into what I already knew. I think what hurts the most is that he kept something so important from me. I mean, joining the military is a big deal anyway, but since we lost Zeke, it made it even more important. I would have been upset and probably would have tried to talk him out of it, but I would have supported him with whatever he decided to do. I would have been proud of him, like I was with Zeke. Would it have been hard knowing he could get deployed and end up coming home the way Zeke did? Hell yes. I would have been terrified for him, but that’s a part of life. But shit, he could have just as easily been hit by a bus on the way to school too. If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that our time here isn’t a given. It’s all a gamble, we never know when our time is up.
I would rather have known what was going on and why he was acting so strange than believe it was because he had forgotten about me or didn't care. I have lost so many people in my life, some because they made the choice to leave and some because they were taken, but I never thought Zane would be one who would have chosen to walk away from me. And not telling me how he felt about me and not giving me t
he chance to stand behind him, to me that feels like a copout. He didn’t trust that I would be okay, that I would support him, that I would make the right decisions for us—for me. Yeah, that’s what hurts the most.
As far as why he left me at the party that night—was it wrong? Yes! Do I understand? I’m starting to. But it all goes back to him not being honest and keeping things from me. If he would have been open with me from the beginning, I don’t think that night would have happened. Would we have still wound up where we are today? I can’t answer that. I can only tell you how the cards were actually dealt and what I did with my hand. I can only wish things had happened differently.
After thinking about what he told me and letting it all sink in, I find that I have a lot of questions for him. I have thought about getting his number from Mack or even going to the clubhouse, but every time I pick up the phone, or my keys to drive there, I stop myself. I can’t bring myself to do it—maybe I’m not ready or maybe I’m being stubborn. But in the back of my mind, I know the answer to why I’m holding back—I want him to come to me, to prove that I mean something to him. And each day that passes with nothing from him, a little piece of my heart ices back up and I build up my walls even taller and stronger. I can’t let myself fall for him, because if I do and he is only acting out of pity or because he feels obligated, I don’t think I’ll be able to pick up the pieces once he leaves again.
I look up at the clock and see that I still have a couple of hours before I need to be in the shop, so I decide to go to the gym to work out some of my frustration. I usually go at night when there are fewer people there, but with the way I’ve been feeling this week, I need this now. I grab my gym bag and head out, looking forward to spending some one on one time with the punching bag.
***
I walk into the shop to find Louie sitting at the front desk.
“Where have you been?” He gets up and comes up to me. After that night at the clubhouse, he has either been super attentive and apologizing for pushing me into the table, or angry and possessive over me. It’s really starting to piss me off. I know he has feelings for me, but I’m not his old lady or even his fuck buddy. I never should have had sex with him. I thought he understood that nothing would come of it, and he did, until Zane came back into the picture. Now he feels threatened that someone is going to take me away from him even though I’m not his in the first place.
“I was at the gym,” I say with an edge in my voice. I’m not in the mood to deal with his shit today. Hopefully he lets it go and doesn’t push me, because I’ll push back.
I walk around him to check the appointment book. Looks like it is going to be a slow day. I only have two appointments and Louie doesn’t have any. “You don’t need to stay. It doesn’t look like we’ll be that busy, so there’s no reason for both of us to be here,” I tell him as I walk over to my station.
“So this is how it’s going to be between us?” he practically yells from behind me. I guess I’m going to have to make it even more clear.
“What do you want from me, Louie?” I look up at him and cross my arms over my chest. Whatever is going on between us, we need to hash this out now before it gets worse. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but it seems to be a very real possibility.
“Fuck it, I don’t need this shit!” He turns around and storms out of the shop.
That went well. I need to think of a way to fix this or things are going to be very uncomfortable around here. He needs to understand that what we shared is in the past and we aren't going to be together. I can’t take it back now, so I’ll have to deal with the fallout.
As I turn back to finish setting up my station, my phone buzzes in my pocket. “Yeah?” I answer without even looking to see who it is.
“You busy?” Mack asks.
I sigh into the phone and walk toward the back to grab a soda. “Not at the moment. What’s up?” I hope this is only a friendly call and he’s not calling to ask how I am, or if I have sorted things out with Zane yet. Since that night at the clubhouse, Mack has been hounding me to talk with him. I know he’s right, that we need to work this out, but I’m still digesting everything Zane told me.
“I wanted to let you know I’ll be outta town for a couple of days. Got some club business that needs to be taken care of in Nevada.”
I don’t understand why he feels the need to inform me of what he is doing. It’s great that he cares about me and wants to give me peace of mind, but it’s really not necessary. “Okay, well, have a safe ride I guess…anything else?”
“Nah, just wanted to let you know I wouldn’t be around, but if you need anything, give me a call. You got me?”
I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen or what I’d need him for, but if it makes him feel better, who am I do deny him that? “Will do. See you when you get back. Gotta go, my first appointment showed up,” I lie. Not waiting for his reply, I head back out to the front of the shop. I pull out my sketch book to work on the tattoo I’m designing for myself. I haven’t gotten inked in a while, so I’m overdue.
A couple minutes later, I hear the shop door open. A guy who looks to be in his mid-twenties walks in. “Can I help you with something?” I ask, putting away my sketch.
“Yeah, I wanted to see about getting a tattoo.”
Well aren’t you just Captain Fucking Obvious? I push aside my irritation and smile. “Sure, what are you looking to get?”
He looks around for a minute before locking eyes with me again. “Uh, well…I’m not really sure. It’s my first tattoo. What would you recommend?”
Is this guy for real? Who comes into a tattoo shop for their first tattoo without having anything in mind? It’s not like going to a barber shop for a haircut and saying “just cut it.” This shit is permanent.
“Well, that depends what you want and where you want it. Why don’t you look through the display cases to see if anything pops out at you? Then we can go from there. Sound good?” I get up and show him over to the display cases of flash art. If there is one thing about tattooing that I hate, it’s doing something generic. There’s no challenge in it, no meaning. If you are going to ink your skin, it needs to mean something to you. But if that's what people want, that's what I’ll give them.
After looking through the cases, he decides he wants to go with a skull on his right pectoral. He can't find one that he likes, so he gives me some ideas and tell me to roll with it. This, I can do.
“All right, why don’t you have a seat on the couch and fill these out? I’ll draw something up quick, and if you like it, we’ll get started.” I hand him the release forms and head over to my station to draw his design.
Thirty minutes later I’m done, and with his approval I start getting him prepped. Then I place the stencil to make sure it’s where he wants it, and get to work. This piece should last me until my other appointment arrives, so I won’t have to think about what I’m going to do about Zane.
***
I look up at the clock to see it’s after five. I don’t have any more appointments, but I want to stay open until at least nine. With it being Saturday, you can usually count on walk-ins later at night. They get an itch and decide they want a tattoo. They pick something off the wall or something small. I usually don’t mind those type of last-minute clients, but tonight is different. I hope if anyone comes in, it will make it worth my being here.
I walk over to my station and grab my sketch pad to finish designing my tattoo. I really want to finish it soon so I can have Mack put it on me. All of my tattoos mean something, but this one is more personal than some of my others, kind of like my phoenix. It’s a black panther, which will go on the side of my neck. It means death and rebirth, but also reclaiming your power in this life. It’s a guardian of energy, and has the ability to know the dark. This is so I acknowledge that death is a part of life, but I have the ability to reclaim the power. It will watch over me and help me in my dark times.
My panther has a fierce expression and a paw
up in the air, like he’s defending me. I can’t wait to have this finished and finally on my skin. I’ve been thinking about this idea for over a year, but it only started coming to life on paper a couple of months ago. I want it to be perfect, and with the last touches I’ll put on tonight, it will be ready.
I've been working for a while when I hear the shop door open for the first time in hours. I’m putting the last bit of shading in my tattoo design, but don’t want the person to think I’m ignoring them. “Be with you in a minute.”
A moment later, I’m done and put my sketch pad away before heading out front. “What can I do—” I stop short when I see Zane standing by the front desk. I take a couple of breaths to stop my heart from going crazy, then move forward. “What do you want, Zane?” I ask in barely a whisper.
He pushes his hands in his pockets and looks at me sheepishly. “I wanted to see if you could fit me in for that tattoo we didn’t get to do last time.”
Of course he is here for a tattoo, Dani. Did you think he came here to see you? It scares me how much I was hoping that was the reason, but I know I shouldn’t. My heart shouldn’t be excited to see him, but knowing that he is here, within my grasp, makes me feel things that I never thought I’d feel again. Things I don’t want to feel, especially for him.
Knowing I need to at least be civil and do my job, I walk around the desk to grab the release forms. “Why don’t you fill these out and then we can take a look at what you’re wanting?” Formal and to the point, that’s the only way I can do this. It’s business, and the faster I get that through to my heart, the better.
He walks up to the desk with a smile and grabs a pen. “It shouldn’t be too difficult for you to manage. The person who drew it is the best there is,” he says as he fills out the forms. The way he talks about the artist makes me pause. Knowing someone out there has captured his stamp of approval and drew something for him to permanently mark on his skin has me feeling angry and jealous. He used to think that about my drawings.
Rewriting Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC #1) Page 17
