Love Beyond Words: Book 9 of Morna’s Legacy Series

by Bethany Claire

  “When I apologized for touching ye, ye said that I dinna do so. I know that I did, lass. Why did ye lie?”

  “How do you know I was lying? Even if you think you touched me, perhaps it was only a dream.”

  I enjoyed this dance between us—his gentle prying, my pointless denial—it only served to increase the tension between us. It was so unlike me, but oh, so much fun.

  “Because, lass…”

  I gasped as he leaned in and cupped my breast in the small hesitation between his words. My breast filled his hands and he groaned.

  “Machara’s dungeon was not the first time I’ve held this breast in my hand. I knew how ye felt in my arms before this night. My body remembers it clearly.” He removed his hand and stepped away. “I’ll ask ye once more. Why did ye lie?”

  I reached out and placed both hands lightly on his chest. I wasn’t ready for this closeness between us to end. I sighed as I prepared to come clean.

  “I was embarrassed, Raudrich. You didn’t touch me. I…I turned toward you in the night. You didn’t pull me into your arms. I placed myself on your chest. I touched you. I rubbed against you with my leg. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was. In my defense, I did believe I was dreaming, but when I woke and realized what I’d done, I was embarrassed.”

  I couldn’t see his smile, but I could feel it in the darkness. He raised his hands and gently cupped my face.

  “Embarrassed? Why?”

  “I think because I enjoyed it so much. If it was a dream, I was safe in it. Once I knew it was real, I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t really the woman I was in my dream—the woman who believed someone like you would want to hold me in such a way.”

  Only upon saying the words out loud did I realize the truth in them. It wasn’t my actions I was embarrassed by. It wasn’t guilt at having touched him while he slept.

  It was knowing that for me to act in such a way while I slept, my subconscious self must’ve believed I was desirable enough that there was no threat of rejection in my actions.

  I wanted to be that person so very much. But—as many things seemed to be showing me since arriving in this time—my old self-conscious wounds weren’t as healed as I thought.

  I wasn’t that confident go-and-get-what-you-want woman that had rolled over in my sleep and plastered herself against Raudrich as if she were doing him a favor. I was the woman that suspected every man’s kind word held a motive. I was the woman that disbelieved every compliment—the woman that pulled away the moment a man got close because I couldn’t see how they could possibly be genuine. Why on earth would they want me?

  I was the woman that could play confident really well, that could sometimes even convince my mind that I was the confident woman I so desperately wanted to be. But deep inside, in my core, I was still that woman who didn’t love herself enough to truly believe that anyone else could love her back.

  When I’d woken in Raudrich’s arms to find that my dream was real, it had broken my heart. For in real life, no longer free from all my self-loathing talk, all I could think was how much he wouldn’t have wanted me if he had known I was there.

  Chapter 26

  God, how he wanted her. He wanted her so badly it stunned him, too badly for him to do as he wished. She wanted him, too. He knew that if he kissed her, they would end up spending the night together. It would be the worst thing he could possibly do for her.

  Her admission had made her too vulnerable. If he made love to her now, she would forever wonder if he’d done so out of pity or want. Marcus had been right. This lass, intoxicating as she was, didn’t know how to play this game. He knew it all too well. He had an unfair advantage over her. He was older than her and no longer unsure of the man he was or what he wanted. He would wait until the game could be fair. He very much suspected that once she learned to let go and learned to embrace who she really was—once she learned to wield the power she already possessed—the wait would be worth it.

  He would have to take things slowly with her. He would have to get to know her mind before he could know her soul, and he would need to know her soul before he allowed himself to taste of her body.

  Laurel’s fears weren’t unusual. He’d known many women in his life that shared such insecurities. What women rarely could see was that men were often riddled even more with such worries.

  She’d not known good men as a child, he was almost certain of it. For lassies surrounded by the best sort of men while still children grow up knowing just how lovely and special they are. Too many fathers discount the role they play in their daughter’s lives—mayhap an even more important one than that of their sons. Raudrich knew that if he were ever lucky enough to be blessed with a daughter, he would make certain she knew that it was she, and not the men in her life, who had the power to rule the world.

  Perhaps, Laurel’s time here would show her what good men could be—not that Calder’s ignorant and cruel words had helped the situation. He would see to it that the rest of The Eight began to show her the best time of her life. It wouldn’t take her long. Just a simple shift in her thinking could unleash her from the cage she kept herself in.

  He looked down at Laurel as he held her face in his hands and gently bent to kiss her cheek.

  “Lass, I do want to hold ye. I want to do so much more than that, but this night is not meant for us. ’Tis already the wee hours of the morning and ye are nearly asleep on yer feet. Go inside before I talk myself out of showing such restraint. Once ye close the door, I shall spell a lock for ye.”

  “I am rather tired.”

  Turning, she opened the door to his room and entered, but he couldn’t keep from saying one last thing to her before she closed the door to him.

  “Laurel, lass, I believe Morna lied to ye. I doona believe she brought ye here so ye could write a book.”

  Most nights, they lit their fires by hand so as to reserve their magic, but he didn’t trust himself to step inside his bedchamber with her. With a quick flick of his wrist, he brought his room to light and his knees grew weak at the glint in her eye as she leaned into the doorway.

  “Oh, yeah? Why do you think she brought me here then?”

  “To heal what is broken inside ye and mayhap to find the love ye are so resistant to.”

  Laurel’s brows pulled together and her tone was defiant when she spoke. “I’m not broken, Raudrich.”

  He wouldn’t follow down the road she wished to lead him. He could sense it was one of the ways she so often pushed people away.

  “Ye know that is not what I said, lass. Every one of us have broken pieces inside us, but we alone are the only ones that can heal them. Until we do, we canna become the people we are meant to be.”

  “And you’ve healed all your broken pieces, have you?”

  “’Tis work that never ends, lass, but I shall never stop working to heal whatever may fracture inside me. Growing up here makes one less patient with the pain we cause ourselves. Not when ye know that pain could be brought on by another at any time—pain that ye canna control.”

  Laurel’s eyes were sad and thoughtful as she gently sighed and closed the door between them.

  Chapter 27

  I fell asleep quickly after Raudrich left me. My mind was too full from all I’d seen that night, my body too alive from Raudrich’s touch to process all of the things that were running through my mind. Instead, the moment my head hit the pillow, I was out, left to work through all of my thoughts as I slept.

  I dreamed of Kate. She sat at the end of the bed and spoke to me as if she knew all that had happened—almost as if she were actually here.

  “It’s funny, isn’t it? How I can tell you the same thing a hundred times and you won’t hear it, but the minute you meet a man who calls you on your crap, you can actually see the problem.”

  Sitting cross-legged across from her, I answered.

  “What crap? He didn’t call me on any crap.”

  In my dream, Kate was whole again, unmarred from injury. She cro
ssed her arms and lifted her brows at me. “Oh, really? How exactly did you read that then?”

  I’d not had time to read into it at all. I was still processing Nicol and Freya’s story, still reeling from the interaction with the wicked-scary faerie. By the time we’d gotten to Raudrich’s room, I was so turned on that all I’d been able to think was that I needed to get myself in the bedroom quickly or I was going to rip all of his clothes off.

  Then came the whammy of my confession and all of the feelings I realized I didn’t even know I was feeling until they came crashing down on me. My mind was too full and weary to read anything into Raudrich’s last few words to me.

  “I…” I hesitated and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Kate shook her head and leaned in close.

  “Well, then, let me tell you what he was not actually saying but definitely, totally meant.”

  I leaned back into the grand, carved headboard and settled in.

  “By all means, Kate. Please do.”

  “That was a man who wants you, Laurel. But unlike most of the men you date, he’s not going to let you chew him up and spit him out the moment you get scared or start to doubt your worth or feel a little self-conscious. He can see that you’re not ready for him. You’re not ready for something that’s real, and he’s not going to waste his time on anything but that.”

  There was no doubt my sister was wise, but all this seemed beyond her limited insight into my complicated psyche.

  “So what if I’m not ready? Everybody grows in their own time, Kate. It’s just not time for me yet.”

  Kate held up one finger as if she were getting ready to list off a multitude of points.

  “First correction: People rarely grow without trying. Change requires effort and you’ve been at a standstill for quite some time.”

  As I opened my mouth to argue, she threw up a second finger.

  “Second: Don’t be stupid, Laurel. Morna could’ve sent Marcus back here on his own. If she really cared about your writing inspiration, sending you the book and having us stumble across the documentary would’ve been more than enough. If it wasn’t time for something to change in your life, she wouldn’t have sent you back here.”

  “But…”

  “No.” She held up finger number three. “Three: Even if you don’t feel ready, I suggest you get that way real quick. Do you really think that men like Raudrich come around every day? You’ve been on enough dates lately. You know that they don’t. He read you like an open book, Laurel. He was able to get right to the bottom of your issues after spending three hours with you. Issues that you’ve become an expert on burying.”

  I knew she was right. I just didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know how to start trying again.

  “Okay, Kate, I get it. Something’s got to give, but how? What do I do?”

  She shrugged and I frowned. I didn’t want her to give me some look-inside bullshit, I wanted direction. I needed to know how to make a shift.

  “Laurel, I’m no expert either, but just try doing things differently. Don’t fall into the same traps you usually do with men. If Raudrich tells you something, believe him. You can see that he likes you. Don’t question it so much. Stop doubting how beautiful you are. How about this?”

  She hesitated and lifted herself to her knees. She looked beyond excited at whatever revelation had just come to her.

  “How do you write your characters, Laurel? They’re confident and sassy. They do what they like and say what they want. They don’t rail against their own happiness because they believe that they are deserving of it, right? They’re different from you, but if you were really honest with yourself, I think you’d find that they’re all a part of you, too. I have a theory. I think those characters, those heroines in your stories, they’re really just all of the parts of you that you keep locked away. How about, just for a little while, just while you’re here, you let them out to play for a bit. Pretend you’re them. It may just show you who you really are.”

  It was an interesting thought, but before I could say so, Kate disappeared. I blinked once and opened my eyes to find that Morna now occupied the same spot Kate had just vanished from.

  “I thought perhaps ye might be more open to hearing from Kate since I suspect ye and Marcus are still a wee bit upset with me.”

  I frowned. Seeing Kate made me miss her. After so many months being around her day and night, I wasn’t accustomed to being away from her.

  “So all of that was really you? Why am I not surprised? Raudrich was right then? You did lie to me?”

  Morna nodded and smiled unapologetically. “Aye, lass. I wasna sure if ye would embark upon the travel back if I told ye the truth. Though, at the time, I dinna know that I was going to have to spell ye back against yer will. I regret how angry Marcus is with me.”

  I shrugged. I couldn’t find it in me to be angry with her. Evil faerie and cursed castle aside, I was enjoying myself. I’d lived more in the last three days than in the past three years.

  “Marcus is trying to make the best of it. Although, I have a feeling that after what I tell him tomorrow, that’s going to be more difficult for him to do.”

  Morna sighed and I could see that I was right.

  “Aye, he willna take the news well. Not for some time, I expect. Ye must allow him to work through it in his own way. Doona take it personally if he pushes ye away.”

  That didn’t worry me in the least. Marcus wasn’t like me. He didn’t push people away. He talked things out. He was more of a grown-up than I imagined I would ever be. He wouldn’t do to me what I’d done to him after our last trip to Scotland.

  “Marcus isn’t like that. He’ll be upset, but not with me.”

  “Whatever ye say, lass. I must go now. ’Tis time for ye to wake. Marcus is standing outside yer door. ’Tis time for ye to tell him the truth.”

  With my next breath, my eyes opened.

  Why were my dreams in this castle so flipping weird?

  Chapter 28

  “Laurel, are you up? If not, wake up and let me in before everybody else wakes up. I am freaking out. The door’s bolted. Let me in.”

  Slipping back into my dress—I’d dared to sleep naked again—I walked over to the door and unlatched the bolt Raudrich had magically placed there.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  He was covered in sweat.

  “Shut the door. I don’t want to risk anyone hearing me.”

  Once the door was shut, he began to pace back and forth across the length of the room.

  “Marcus, what happened?”

  “I don’t know what happened, Laurel. I woke up early and it was freezing in my room. I was laying there with every cover in the room wrapped around me trying to decide if it was worth the effort of uncovering myself to walk across the room and light a fire. Then, out of nowhere, the fire just lit itself.”

  “It lit itself?”

  He nodded. “Yes. And that’s not all. I lay there trying to justify it, right? Because otherwise I worried I would go running from this castle screaming. So, I tried to calm myself down by thinking things like maybe they have the fires set on some sort of timer, or maybe there was still a bit of lit kindling in the bottom from before bed and it sparked just right. But then…” He paused and placed his palm against his forehead as if he still couldn’t believe it. “I lay there and began to think, hmmm…I wonder what time it actually is? I wonder if it’s still dark out? And then, the curtains covering each of the windows on either side of the bed just opened. On their own, Laurel.”

  He stopped pacing and moved to stand right in front of me.

  “Laurel, this castle, these men, they’re in my head. They’re listening to my thoughts. Someone is doing something to me. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.”

  I knew what it was. It wasn’t remotely what he thought, and I had no idea how to tell him.

  “Marcus, sit down. You look like you’ve just run
five miles.”

  “I feel like it. My heart is beating fast enough.”

  I patted the bed and waited until he took a deep breath and moved to join me.

  “How are you so calm, Laurel? You don’t look surprised at all.”

  “If you’d seen what I saw last night, you wouldn’t be either.”

  And so it began. I told him everything. I told him where Raudrich had taken me and all about what had happened to Nicol and Freya. I told him about Machara’s cell down below the castle and what had happened when Raudrich took me down to see her. I told him about the way Raudrich had held me in his arms while he told me Nicol’s story, and the way I felt when I kissed him in front of Machara. I took my time describing the entire night. I was in no hurry to get to the end of the story—to the part where I would have to tell him what he was.

  By the time I finished, Marcus’ breathing had returned to normal and he appeared much calmer than before.

  “He likes you, you know? I could tell he did at dinner last night.”

  I nodded. I was going to try and take dream-Kate’s advice. I wouldn’t question what I felt to be true.

  “I know, but we don’t need to talk about me and Raudrich right now. There’s something I have to tell you.”

  Marcus chuckled, and I sincerely hoped it wouldn’t be the last time he would laugh for the foreseeable future.

  “Even more happened last night? Geez, Laurel, that was enough to fill up a week.”

  I could sense it then—as the words formed in my mind—just how much this would hurt him. The news would be bad enough, but once he learned that I’d suspected this even before Morna sent us back here and didn’t tell him…I wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to forgive me.

  “Marcus, this doesn’t have to do with last night. This has to do with you. Something happened before we left for Scotland. Something I now know, I really should’ve told you about before now. I just…” I started to ramble the way I always did when nervous. “If it turned out to be nothing—which I was pretty sure it would—I didn’t want to worry you for no reason. But Marcus, it wasn’t nothing. It was a really, really big something and I’m so sorry.”