by T. K. Leigh
Pulling open the guest room door to head downstairs, a rush of a familiar scent found its way to my nose, stirring up memories of that happy, yet heartbreaking time in my life. I raised my head, inhaling quickly when I was met with a pair of striking green eyes.
I whimpered, almost in disbelief. Over the past several months, I had seen him everywhere. I had heard his voice in my dreams, saw his face on every man, smelled his musky scent no matter where I was. I was convinced this was just a dream, too.
“Mackenzie…,” Tyler said, surprised, his tone guttural and raspy.
“Is this real?” I felt numb, like I was daydreaming… But this was one daydream I didn’t want to wake up from. Closing my eyes, a warmth approached and a finger brushed away the lone tear trickling down my face. A current flowed through me, sparking a sensation that had been absent for the past several months. It was intense, burning, piercing. I fought to contain the thrill I felt from this man’s simple touch.
“What are…? How…?” he stammered, and I returned my eyes to his. He glanced at my stomach and I cringed, imagining his bewilderment. “Is it…?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here.” I spun around and dashed toward the bed, frantically throwing my things into my bag. “I get it. It’s my fault. I was stupid and–”
“Mackenzie, stop!” his voice thundered, startling me and bringing back so many memories of our short-lived romance.
I filled my lungs, hoping for the strength to get through this when all I wanted to do was crawl in a corner and pretend I didn’t exist. I knew this day was inevitable, but I didn’t expect to be in this situation so soon. I had made no plan on how to get through it, making me all the more apprehensive about the conversation I knew I could no longer avoid.
“Look at me, Mackenzie,” he crooned, his voice tender. I shook my head, refusing to look into his eyes. I needed to remain strong and I knew I would break if I gazed into those eyes that once held so much hope for my own future. “Please. I… I’m such a fuck up.”
“You never came for me,” I said softly, keeping my back turned to him when I felt him approach behind me. He was so close, there was a buzz in the air from his proximity. “I thought you cared enough that you would.”
“You told me not to.” He ran his hand down my arm, calming me.
I faced him and saw tears forming behind his eyes. “Since when have you actually listened to what I wanted? No phone call! No email! Nothing! I thought I imagined you. I thought I was so desperate to feel something for someone that I made you up in my head. I drove through the streets of South Padre every day, Tyler! Every. Fucking. Day! And do you know what I saw?”
“What?”
“You! Whenever I saw a dog, I’d think of you and Griffin. Every boat. Every bar. Every restaurant.”
His shoulders dropped and he swallowed hard, his normal confidence lacking. “Mackenzie, I’m…” His voice cracked as he reached out for me.
“Sorry. I know.” Avoiding his touch, I fell onto the bed, fighting back the lump in my throat. I refused to cry in front of him anymore. He didn’t deserve my tears.
“I questioned everything in my life, Tyler,” I confessed. “If it weren’t for Jenna and Brayden, I would have thought I imagined you. Even with them, there have been days I was convinced I did make you up. I was certain if you really did care, you would have come for me. Then a week passed. Then a month. Then another month. And then…” I glanced down at my stomach, my hand resting on it protectively, as if hoping I could keep my baby safe from a world of hurt and pain. “Then I knew you were real, which made your absence hurt even more. I called, Tyler! I called your cell and it was disconnected. I called the security company and they gave me the run-around every time. I missed you so much, I vowed to swallow my pride and admit I made a mistake when I pushed you away, but now…” I shook my head. “It hurts too much to be near you. I can’t–”
“You told me the only way to prove it was real was to let you go,” he interrupted.
I stared into his eyes, scared to see that the love he had for me no longer covered them.
“But I can’t, Mackenzie,” he said, his voice wavering. “You’re my heart. The air I breathe. My everything. I don’t care what it takes to prove it was real. That it is real. Still. I will beg every day for the rest of my life to make you mine. You can tell me no every day for weeks, months, years. I don’t care how long you want to hurt me, to tell me you never want to see me again. I deserve it.”
“Four months, Tyler!” I exclaimed. “You’ve been gone for almost four months. Four months where I had to question everything. Four months where, every night, I lay awake, wondering how I was going to explain to the baby growing inside of me where his father is, why he wasn’t good enough for his father to love him.” I let out a slow breath. “But I got up every day, and every day I didn’t hear from you, another brick was built around my heart. Every day, I missed you a little bit less. I thought of you a little bit less. I cried for you a little bit less. I let go of another piece of you. Your eyes. Your lips. Your smile. Your touch. I had to let go of all those things.”
“Please, Mackenzie. You have to realize how sorry I am, how much I love you–”
“How can I believe you?” I asked, shooting off the bed and heading to the window. “After everything you did to me, I will always think this is all just another lie, another way for you to get what you need, then toss me out like last week’s garbage.” I looked back at him and saw how full of regret he was. The pain of my words were etched on every inch of him. Part of me wanted to jump in his arms and forget how much he hurt me, but I couldn’t do that. Not anymore.
“The thing is, I can deal with that pain again, but it’s not just me I have to worry about now. I can’t let you back into my life just for you to leave again. I can’t let you hurt my baby–”
“Truth or dare,” he interrupted, his voice impassioned as he stalked to me.
“What?” I asked, my eyes widening.
“You heard me, Mackenzie,” he countered, narrowing his gaze at me. “Truth. Or. Dare.”
I swallowed hard. “Truth.”
“Did you mean this?” he asked, pulling a sheet of paper out of his shirt pocket.
Squinting my eyes, I recognized the email I wrote him and inhaled quickly.
“This…,” he said, gesturing to the piece of paper. “Because of this, I drove fifteen hours to the closest airport I could get a flight out of, from one end of Sudan, where I was volunteering at a refugee camp for the past four months, to the other. Then I flew thirty-three hours on a series of three different flights. You want to know why?”
“Why?” I quivered.
“Because of the last line,” he admitted. “You said you still love me. You picked truth so please tell me. Do you still love me?”
Staring into those green eyes that had haunted my dreams, I let out a loud sob, nodding as my tears washed over me. He pulled me into his body and planted a kiss on my forehead. My emotions overtook me and I drenched his shirt. He held me close, warming me with his embrace.
“I’ve missed this,” he murmured.
I had been craving this feeling for months, needing his arms to assure me everything would work out, that I would finally be over the ache his absence caused my heart. Could everything really be forgiven by a simple “I’m sorry” or “I love you”? They were just words. Meaningless words.
Straightening my spine, I pushed against him, freeing myself from the hold he still had over me. I tore back to the bed and finished throwing all my things in my suitcase, zipping it up.
“Mackenzie, wha–”
“Yes, Tyler. Yes, it’s true. I still love you, but that doesn’t fix this. You can’t just come back into my life and pick up where things left off. As much as I want to forgive you because you need it, I can’t do it.”
Tears streaming down my face, I rushed out of the room, darting down the stairs and into the foyer.
“Wait, Mackenzie!” Tyler c
ried out after me. “Tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it! Letting you walk away from me once was the biggest mistake of my life. I won’t do it again.”
I spun around just as I was about to open the front door. “You let me walk away from you?” I hissed, my teeth clenched.
“That’s not what I meant.” He ran his hands through his dark brown hair and I could see the desperation wash over him. “What I meant to say is all the lies, all of it… I’m so sorry I put you through it. But do you think I regret any of it?” His eyes grew more intense and impassioned, his chest heaving as he poured his heart out to me. “Not for a second.”
I glared at him, waiting for him to explain.
“If it wasn’t for all the lies, for my assignment, I never would have met you, so I’m not going to say I regret a fucking second of any of it. I don’t care what it takes to win back your heart. You can push me away all you want. You can tell me you’ll never forgive me, that there will never be an ‘us’ again, but I will always come back for you. A hundred times. A thousand times. I will fight for us until I take my last breath.”
He stepped toward me, grabbing my hand in his, caressing my knuckles in such a delicate way that made me want to melt into a puddle.
“Please, Mackenzie…” He leaned toward me, brushing his lips against my forehead, kissing me so delicately, so lightly. “Serafina,” he whispered, “tell me what it will take and I’ll do it.”
Despite everything he had just said, I simply couldn’t let him back in. Relationships were based on trust, and Tyler took my trust and used it against me. I couldn’t forget that, no matter how much my skin yearned for his touch.
“You want to know what it’s going to take?” I asked softly, freeing my hand from his grasp.
He nodded, nervous anticipation radiating through his body as he looked at me with eager eyes.
“It’ll take one more time,” I murmured, opening the door. Peering over my shoulder, I saw his deflated expression. “It will always take one more time.”
Tyler
“DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE giving up,” a voice said, startling me. I didn’t know how long I had been staring at that closed door, thinking the only thing that mattered had just walked out of my life once more.
“Ma.” I spun around. “Did you–”
“I heard enough.”
I let out a low sigh, feeling weighed down. “What should I do, Ma? She wouldn’t even listen to me!”
A sympathetic look on her face, she approached me and placed her hands on my shoulders, forcing me back around. “You get back out there, Tyler. It’s not going to be easy, and I have a feeling this battle certainly won’t be won overnight. It’s going to take some time. She spent the last several months getting used to her life without you in it. You being back is going to take some adjustment on her part…and yours. You can tell her you’re sorry all you want, but your words don’t hold any merit, not after what you put her through. Start from the beginning again. Be the Tyler I love. Show her the real you…”
“I did show her the real me.”
“Then help her get reacquainted with that person.”
I nodded and stared out the window of the front door, seeing Mackenzie’s trembling frame sitting on the grass. Her head was upturned, staring at the sky. I wished I knew what she was thinking at that moment.
“Go, baby. You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you. Don’t expect a miracle. Get to know her again. Let her know you. Let her fall in love with the new you. I have a feeling she’ll come around.”
“I hope you’re right,” I said, leaning down and planting a kiss on her forehead. Taking a deep breath, I placed my unsteady hand on the doorknob and turned it, heading down the steps and onto the grass. My silhouette cast a shadow over Mackenzie, but she remained facing forward. I could tell she was consciously trying to ignore my presence.
“Do you mind if I sit?” I asked in a firm tone, trying to mask my unease.
She craned her neck to look at me and nodded slightly…an ambivalent gesture.
“Thanks.” I lowered myself, not sitting too close. Although nothing had really changed between us, there was still an electricity in the air just from being near her. She hadn’t turned me down or run away, so I was taking this as a step in the right direction, regardless of how small a step it was.
A few birds chirped, flying in and settling on the fountain, bathing their feathers. The sun was pleasant, and clouds drifted in the sky, reminding me how much I missed being home. In the African desert, the sun was relentless, barely a cloud in sight. The texture in the sky here was beautiful, reminding me of all the times I sat in the backyard with my mother, spying animals in the clouds.
“It’s a boy,” Mackenzie said, breaking the awkward silence. I snapped my head toward hers and met her eyes. She fidgeted with the hem of her skirt and I could sense her nerves. I felt the same way, although I didn’t want her to know it. “I mean, I figure I should tell you since you’re the father and all.”
“Mackenzie, I–”
She held up her hand, stopping me. “Don’t worry, Tyler. I’m not asking you to help. I know this is probably all a bit of a surprise. It took me quite a while to wrap my head around everything. Truth be told, I’m still coming to terms with it, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to change your lifestyle or act any differently around me. If you don’t want any part of this–”
“What makes you think that?”
She shrugged and avoided my eyes. “I just–”
I reached over and grabbed her hand. She looked at me and a glimmer of hope ran through me when she didn’t immediately pull away. “I want to be part of this baby’s life. Despite what you want to believe, our son is the result of my love for you, and I will make sure he has everything he needs. The same goes for you. I want to be part of your life, too, but I know we have a lot to work through before that can happen. I get it. We know each other, but we don’t really know each other. I’m willing to start from the beginning again, to find out who you are as a person. I hope you’ll give me the chance to at least find out who I am as a person, too. I hope you’ll give me the opportunity to prove I’m worth your time, your trust, and maybe your heart.”
She nodded and tore her hand from mine, staring forward once again. I expected her to give me a list of reasons why it would never work between us, but that didn’t happen. I was hopeful that meant she was willing to give us a second chance, despite it all.
I glanced to her as she gazed out over the perfectly manicured lawn of my mother’s house, unable to remember ever being so on edge and nervous around a woman before. I was cognizant of each of my movements, from a flicker of my tongue to a deep breath that could be taken the wrong way.
“Why do I feel like a thirteen-year-old boy who is talking to a girl for the first time?” I joked.
She gradually faced me, a small smile crossing her beautiful lips. Lips I had dreamt of nearly every night since I had been gone. “Did you really not talk to a girl until you were thirteen?” she asked, her voice coy.
I chuckled, relieved the thick tension between us was starting to break.
“I was a bit of a late bloomer, I guess.” I smiled, running my hand through my hair.
“What was her name?”
“Who?”
“Your first crush.” She looked at me with eager eyes, and hope washed over me that she had taken my words to heart. She was trying to get to know the real me again. She was willing to give me the chance that, just moments ago, I didn’t think she’d ever give me. This wasn’t forgiveness, but it was a step in the right direction.
“Marcy Brennan. She had the cutest freckles behind her ears. I sat behind her in Math and, whenever she had her hair pulled back, I always stared at them. She forgot her pencil one day and she turned around and asked to borrow one of mine. She had never spoken to me before and I was in shock. I gave her my pencil without even thinking. Too late, I realized I had given her my only one, but I didn
’t care. I would have given her anything.”
She kept her gaze trained on mine, absorbing my story. A light expression crossed her face and her rigid stature relaxed.
“How about you?” I asked in an attempt to keep the conversation going.
“Damian Mills,” she answered without hesitating. She pulled a blade of grass out of the lawn and began to tie it in knots. Her eyes grew bright, a slight smile crossing her lips. “I was eight. He moved in next door to us. I remember sitting in a tree that separated our yards when the moving trucks pulled up. Then I saw a boy who appeared to be my age jump out of a car. I thought he was so cute. We became friends, nearly inseparable, and I no longer looked at him that way. Every night, after we were supposed to be asleep, we climbed out of our bedroom windows and met on the limbs of that tree. We just sat there and watched the stars.”
“What happened to him?” I asked.
She let out a shallow sigh. “Two years later, it all went to hell and we had to disappear without saying goodbye. I wanted to call him or send him a letter so he knew I was okay, but my mom told me I couldn’t because it was too dangerous. As the years went on, I guess finding him seemed to be less of a priority. I mean, I’m still not supposed to tell anyone who I really am, so it’s not like I could have called him up and said, ‘Hey, it’s Fi. Let’s go climb a tree.’” She smiled before her expression turned serious. “And now I think he’s in trouble.”
“What do you mean? You said you haven’t talked to him.”
“I haven’t,” she said. “While you were gone, apparently your brother sent one of his guys to keep an eye on me and make sure everything was okay. Well, Wyatt…although I’m pretty sure that’s not his real name…noticed a car tailing me and looked into it. It was an FBI agent who works with Damian. He said he’s been on a leave of absence from the FBI for nearly four months, but this agent thinks he’s missing.” She glanced at me as I did the math in my head, noticing my expression. “Exactly. The timing fits all this craziness a bit too perfectly. It could just be a coincidence, but if his FBI buddy thinks something’s not right and he’s in trouble…”
