I stopped as I found the one I was looking for. There was no grand stone or anything like that, it was too new. I had no doubt that in time, the biggest stone would be sitting there with dedication to Cooper.
I sit beside the grave.
"Hey Cooper. It's me. Louise. I know I am probably the last person you wanted to come visit you but….."
I broke off, realising I sounded crazy sitting here talking to a grave. But I needed to do this. I wiped a tear away.
"But I had to come. I had to come and say goodbye. You know it's weird… I never knew you, and yet I did. You are all the good I see in Drew. You were a good man. And I am so, so sorry that you were killed that night. You died, b- because of me….."
I stopped, reaching in my bag for a tissue. I couldn't stop sniffling. It wasn't the hysterical dramatic sobbing of being at my Dads funeral, it was just complete sadness.
"But if you are listening Cooper, and I know that you are, I know you are watching down on all of us, please know that I did it all for Drew. I didn't know you would get caught up in it. How could I have known? Brett promised that if he killed me, he would let Drew go. And Samantha, you didn't know her… but you would have liked her. Everyone does. I will spend every day of my life living with the guilt of your death Cooper. And if it wasn't your death, then I would have been living without Drew. Because he would have killed him. And I couldn't let that happen."
I close my eyes, my insides somersaulting like they had been every day since all this happened. The thought of Drew not being in this world was torture. Whether he was with or without me, he had to exist. He just had to. When I regain my composure, I open my eyes, taking off my gold necklace.
I hang it on the little wooden cross.
"I hope you don't mind the girly gift. Usually people bring flowers.” I laugh nervously, as if I am talking to an actual real, living human. Although, Cooper would always be real to me.
"It's a star. It's what I always wanted to be. So I wear it every day to remind me of my goals. But now it's yours. You are my star Cooper Evans. And I know that you are the brightest, kindest, most heroic star in that sky. You probably think I say that to all the dead guys I know."
I laugh again, wiping away the never ending flow of tears.
"My parents…they are shooting stars. You are the star that is always there. I’m sure you will cross paths, if you see them, please say hi and tell them I miss them so, so much. "
I stand up, brushing the mud off my dress. My face was a soggy mess. You knew you cried too much when you wondered how it were possible that any tears remained inside of you. Surely I was all cried out now?
"Bye Cooper."
I kiss my fingertips and touch the necklace. Then I walk away.
"Are you cheating on me with my dead brother?"
I would recognise that voice anywhere. I had only walked five steps. When I sivel around to face him, he is standing in the spot I had just been sitting, talking to Cooper.
He looked so handsome. His black suit and tie matching his soft bouncing curls. His eyes were red, it had been a rough day for him. He looked vulnerable and broken. I wasn’t sure he would ever recover from this.
"I'm sorry. I uh… I just wanted to say goodbye. I'll go now."
I turn back and start walking again, determined not to look back. I kept remember Samanthas words about giving him space.
As I reach the gates, I hear his footsteps behind me.
"Cooper loved you."
I stop just outside the gates, perching against an old oak tree. A dizziness has come over me. I grip the tree for support. Drew stops just in front of me, placing his hand on the tree near my cheek, looking at me intensely. It was the same way he cornered me all those months ago in the corridor.
"Cooper didn’t know me."
I could see just the mention of Coopers name was enough to make Drew wince. It was awful to witness.
"He had been spying on me. The notes he left at mine were overwhelmingly stacked in your favour."
The thought that Cooper liked me made my pain better and worse at the same time.
"I have to go" My voice is a whisper. I could feel his breath on my cheek and I needed to get away from him. He needed his space. "Take care of yourself Drew."
I try to push myself away from the tree, but he keeps his hand in place so I can't move.
"I want you to take care of me."
It was the grief talking. He didn’t know what he was saying.
"No you don't. I, I caused you a lot of pain, and I will forever be sorry about that. You need to look after yourself, and in a few months or even years, when you can look at me without hate in your eyes, I will be here."
He places his other hand on my cheek. The feel of him was almost too much to take.
"Hate in my eyes? Hate? Louise, baby, don't say that. What you saw that night, the night it happened… was a scared, angry man. I was angry at Cooper for throwing himself into it, I was angry at Brett for killing all my family, but I took my anger out on you. It was a rotten thing to do. I sat against the front door after you left. I knew you were out on the step. And then, when I heard your footsteps, I followed you to make sure you got home safe."
My lips tremble as I try to talk. I needed to be an adult about this.
"But, you… you said I killed him. And I did. It's my fault. He would still be here now if I hadn’t been so foolish."
He shakes his head. He kisses me lightly on the cheek. It makes my belly flutter.
"You saved my life."
I wondered if he was being serious. I didn't want to fall back into his arms, only for him to crush me again. He needed space. I needed closure.
"I was at the grave the whole time listening to you Louise. I didn’t go back to my house. I couldn't face it. I saw you heading towards the grave and I hid behind the tree, I heard everything. Everything you did that night, it was all for me. I knew it before today of course, I just… I couldn't think straight. And you know, if you weren't there that night and Brett just fancied killing me, then Cooper would have still died for me. I am so sorry I put that guilt on you. Brett is the one who killed Cooper."
He drew level with me, his lips against my cheek. I could fight in no longer as I crushed our lips together. It was soft and urgent at the same time. Our tears mingled as we kissed. And just like any kiss I had ever shared with Drew Evans, it was everything.
Take A Bite Of My Heart Tonight Page 20
