Us Again

by Jennah Thornhill

  I’m done, so done with their bullshit and control issues.

  Kick starting my feet into action, I move to the driver’s side door and yank on the door handle and climb in my car. As I go to shut it, it’s jarred and my dad stands there with a look of guilt and sorrow on his face.

  “We’re staying at The Palomar, you come find us when you’re ready.”

  Ignoring him, I tug the door even harder causing him to stumble back slightly and slam it shut.

  I have one thing on my mind right now and that’s to find Eliza.

  Speeding out of the parking lot, I leave my parents in a cloud full of dust from my tires and hightail it out of there. I lost her once, over my dead body am I going to let her go again. The look in her eyes before she bolted was the same one, I’ve seen before. She’s hiding something and she’s scared. I’ve always known she lied to me when we broke up, but like the dickhead I was, I didn’t go digging deeper to find out the real reason. Judging by the way she reacted to seeing my mom and dad again, I guess I’ve just got my answer.

  Gripping the steering wheel so tight makes me have no feeling in my hands and my knuckles are white. I swerve in and out of the LA traffic, desperate to find her. I have no idea where she could be. My minds reeling with endless possibilities. Stopping at a red light, I drag my phone out of my pocket and call the one person I know will know where she is… hopefully. Putting my phone on speakerphone, the car is filled with the dialing tone for which seems to go on forever. Just when I’m about to give up she answers.

  “Nate? What’s up?” Sammi’s voice rings out.

  “Sam, have you seen El? I need to find her asap.”

  I can’t help the panic that laces my tone, I’m one sure fire step away from losing it altogether.

  “I haven’t seen her, I’m sorry. I’m out on a date. Why? What happened, Nate? She was fine when we left her waiting for you at the stadium.”

  “My parents turned up just as we were heading to the car, thought they would surprise me. Somethings not right, Sammi. She freaked, said she was sorry and bolted. I don’t know where to look for her. I’m so confused and worried right now.”

  All that comes out of my mouth at rapid speed, as I’m still driving around the streets of LA trying to think where she would go.

  “Fuck, balls and shit. Your mom and dad? Nate… you have to find her and quick, I mean it.”

  Well if I wasn’t convinced that my dear mother and father had something do with our break up before, I sure am now, judging by Sammi’s reaction.

  “Sammi, what aren’t you telling me? I know she’s hiding something from me. The way she was when they turned up, told me as much.”

  A deep intake of breath comes down the line before she continues, “Look, Nate. It’s not my story or secret to tell, it’s Eliza’s but what I will say is you need to find her and listen to her before you react. Just know that she’s only ever loved you. That girl has been through hell and back for you and you don’t even know it.”

  Even more confused than I was before, I ask her, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I’ve said too much already, but if I were you, I would start with our apartment. I have to go, she’ll be okay, Nate. I promise.”

  Sammi hangs up on me and my fist connects with my dashboard in frustration. What is it with everyone talking in fucking riddles? I dial Eliza’s number and it goes straight to voicemail, which isn’t surprising. Pressing redial, I keep trying to call her as I make my way to her apartment.

  Skidding to a halt outside of Eliza’s apartment building and flinging my body from my car, I don’t bother waiting for the elevator to arrive. Instead I race through the stairwell door and run up nine flights of stairs. I’m fit, I have to be, but when I’m working against the clock to get to Eliza it’s completely different. Bursting through the stairwell door on her floor, I’m breathless, but I don’t care and continue to run full pelt to her door.

  “Eliza.”

  I bang on the door with fists, making it clear that I’m not going anywhere.

  “El… please open the door. We need to talk.”

  Once again, I’m met with silence, that is until the door behind me opens and a man who has to be in his seventies stands there.

  “If you’re after the pretty little redhead, she came by about ten minutes ago, took something from inside and dashed out of here like her fine butt was on fire.”

  Under normal circumstances I would call him out for a man of his age thinking that Eliza’s ass is fine but these aren’t normal circumstances. Instead I thank him and run back the way I came.

  Where the fuck are you, Eliza?

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Eliza

  I’ve never ran so fast in my life, but I had to get away.

  From them and Nate.

  I didn’t want to run away from him, but I had to. I couldn’t bear to think of him hurting all over again, because of something I did to him. His parents were sure to tell him what happened… Well their version anyway and he would believe them. Why wouldn’t he? He had no cause to think that whatever lies they spun were exactly that… lies. Me on the other hand, had done nothing but hurt him in the past. So of course, he’s going to think that I haven’t changed.

  Hearing him call my name as I ran out of the stadium, split my heart in two, but I couldn’t stop. He will never look at me the same again or feel for me what he thinks he does. When he finds out, the only thing he’s going to feel for me is pure hatred and I don’t blame him.

  Going to my apartment first was a risk I had to take, I couldn’t think straight without taking the one thing I held closest to me.

  The one thing I’ve kept all this time, it’s faded and torn at the edges, but it’s the only thing I got to keep.

  My sonogram picture.

  Snatching it up quickly from the box I keep on a shelf in my closet, I raced out of there before Nate could find me. Grabbing my car keys from the kitchen counter as I leave. Before I knew it, I was driving to the one place that was my sanctuary with tears streaming down my face and sobs wracking my body.

  Sitting here now in the park I love so much; I try to find solace in the sound of the trickling water and birds in the trees. None of it is helping with the turmoil that’s going on in my head. I should never have taken the job to be the team’s therapist, regret overwhelms me once again. I used to come here to get away from the busy city and from my hectic schedule with patients. It held no memories, no part of my past it was heaven. That is until I decided to bring Nate here for his sessions. Now all I see his him sitting opposite me on the bench I’m currently perched on.

  Taking the folded picture from the back pocket of my jeans, I unfold it on the bench and stare down at it.

  It’s from my second trimester when I found out I was carrying a baby girl. That day will forever be one of the most painful days of my life….

  “Eliza Rodriguez?” I hear someone call my name. I don’t answer the voice; I’m too zoned out. I shut off from everything right around the time I made a deal with the devils.

  “She’s here.” Selena who is sat next to calls back. “Get up, Eliza. You need to go and get your check up.”

  Gripping the top of my arm she drags up to my feet and pulls me to the room. Where the doctor is waiting for me with her husband Mason following behind us. Forcing a smile on my face, I go into the room. I do everything that’s expected of me robotically. Go behind the curtain, take my clothes off and put the gown on. Lie on the small bed and let the doctor examine me and my unborn baby. All under the watchful eye of the people who would get to raise him or her once they were born. Closing my eyes, I look away from the monitor screen as the doctor rolls the scan wand over my belly. If I look, I know I will run out of here screaming at the top of my voice and refuse to give them my baby.

  “Well, it looks like you’re having a little girl.” The doctor tells us so matter of factly. He doesn’t care that I�
��m dying on the inside, doesn’t care that I’m giving my baby to Selena and Mason to save both our lives. All he cares about is the back handed payments he’s been getting from Mr. and Mrs. Michaels to keep his mouth shut. The numbness I’ve felt since I left New York, thaws a little when I think about the little girl that me and Nate have created together. Placing a hand over my jelly covered tummy and rub it in small circles.

  “I’m so sorry baby girl, I will always love you.” I whisper hoping she can hear me in there. When we’re finished, we leave the doctor’s office and waiting outside for us is Nate’s mom and dad. The dreaded sick feeling I get every time I see them, returns as they stand outside of their car waiting for us.

  “Well?” Mrs. Michaels demands.

  “It’s a girl.” Mason answers her.

  “Pictures?” She holds a perfectly manicured hand out and Selena hands them to her. Even though I haven’t seen them yet, but they don’t care about that. To them I’m a problem that needs to be taken care of.

  “Mmm, okay then. Well if that’s everything, we’ll get going. Keep us informed when she gives birth and remember the minute, she’s born she is not to touch that child.” Mrs. Michaels tells them again; I’ve heard her say the same words to Selena and Mason repeatedly for months now. Handing all, but one picture that she tucks into her purse back to Selena, they get in the car and drive away.

  The sound of a small child squealing on the swings on the other side of the creek, brings me out of my memories. Tracing my fingertips around the outline of the baby in the picture, I watch as a tear splashes onto it.

  “That could have been us baby girl.” I whisper to myself.

  “Eliza.”

  A voice I would recognize even if I was dead, my hand freezing on the sonogram picture, as I watch him eat up the grass with his long legs, as he strides towards me. The closer he gets to me, the more I can see the relief that he’s found me on his face.

  Maybe they didn’t tell him after all.

  “I’ve been looking all over for you, El. You can’t ever run from me like that again, do you hear me?”

  He’s going to want to run from me when I tell him everything. I have no choice now; he knows something isn’t right. It’s about time I told him and let him go for good, so he can move on with his life.

  I owe him that much.

  I’m done with being scared of his parents, today was the final straw for me. I’ve worked hard to get where I am now with my life. I won’t let them ever make me feel like I’m inferior ever again. They need to have a taste of their own medicine. Let’s see how they like it when their son knows just exactly what they’re like.

  “Nate, you need to sit down, because we need to talk and when I’ve finished, you’re never going to want to see me again.”

  “El, what are you talking about? No matter what, I’ll always want you, you should know this by now Bambi.”

  He tries to lighten the situation with my nickname, but it fails when we both can hear the tremble in his voice.

  “Just sit, Nate.”

  “El, you’re scaring me now. What’s going on and what’s that under your hand?”

  Lifting my hand from the picture, I pick it up between my fingers so he can see it.

  “This right here, is the one and only picture I have of our daughter.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Nate

  What the actual fuck?

  This has got to be some sort of dream. I don’t have a kid, let alone a daughter. Judging by the sonogram picture I’ve just had shown to me, it’s a few years old, so Eliza is most definitely not pregnant. Collapsing on the bench seat across from her in complete shock, my legs give way as I land with a thud. I feel like I’m having an outer body experience, as I watch El’s lips move, but I’m not hearing a single word she’s telling me.

  “Just stop. Go back and start again, there’s no way we have a daughter El. I would know if we did.”

  Sliding the sonogram picture towards me with one lone finger, my eyes trace the picture and I still don’t believe it.

  “She was born in Texas on August twenty-forth, twenty-ten, at a little over midday. I named her Rosie. I’m not sure if she still has the same name, chances are they changed it. I don’t know. I was never allowed to see her once I had given birth to her. The minute I pushed her out, they took her from my body and she was handed to her new mommy.”

  Sobs shake her tiny frame as she talks and my eyes go back to the picture laid out in front of me. I want to believe what she’s saying; no-one is that good of an actress, but I can’t, none of it is making sense to me.

  “Y… You didn’t have a baby, El. I would have known; I know I would have.” I stress to her, repeating my words from when I first saw the sonogram.

  Right now, I’m perfectly sure she’s having some sort of breakdown and believing things she thinks are true. Slamming her palms on the wood of the bench we’re sitting on; I jump a little at the sudden change in her.

  “I should’ve known you would think I was lying, after all you are their son. If you don’t believe me, then fair enough, but look at the name in the corner of the picture Nate. It’s faded, but it’s there.”

  Rolling the corner back a little where it’s worn, I feel like I’ve been sucker punched straight in the gut. Right there in black and white is Eliza Maria Rodriguez.

  “Now look at the date stamp on it.”

  Just like her name, the date on it is April, twenty-ten .

  “I’m not lying to you, Nate. I have no reason to anymore. I’m done being scared; I’m done thinking they can control me. They ripped everything away from me when I was eighteen. I won’t let them do it again.”

  She keeps saying them and they. She’s making no sense to me right now and I feel like the last eight years of my life has been one big lie.

  “El, I need you to stop talking in riddles and tell me everything from the start, please? Because I’m gonna be honest with you, right now this is one big fucking mess. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  I feel sick and whatever is about to come out of her mouth, I know for certain I’m not going to like it. Then before she’s even opened it, I have a light bulb moment when it all slots into place, the date, why we broke up.

  “You left me because you were pregnant, didn’t you? You didn’t want my child, so you instead you broke my heart and ran off.”

  My temper starts to rise as I come to the conclusion that she never really did love me.

  “No. No, Nate. That isn’t at all what happened, you aren’t even letting me explain…”

  “Why the fuck should I, El? Give me one goddamn good reason why I should believe anything else that comes out of your mouth? You kept my child away from me clearly.”

  I hold up the picture just to drive that fact home that little bit more.

  “You didn’t even give me a fucking choice.”

  I’m shouting now, but I can’t help it, I’m fucking furious. Then when I think I can’t stand to sit here listen to what else she has to say, Sammi’s words come back to me.

  Just know that she’s only ever loved you, that girl has been through hell and back for you and you don’t even know it.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I breath in and out and count to ten. Trying my best to calm down the rage, I can feel flowing through my body.

  “Fuck you, Nate. You have no fucking idea what I went through. I had my boyfriend and baby taken away from me, all at the same time, so that I could stay alive. If I hadn’t of given you both up, I would be worm food now and not sat here with you. So don’t you dare come at me and say I’m lying. Especially when you don’t know the story. I love you, Nate. I always have, but right now you’re making me think that your just as bad as they are.”

  “Then tell me, El. Make me understand. Please, baby I’m begging you, because I’m so fucking lost here.”

  Her hand edges towards mine a little and I kn
ow she wants to touch me, but daren’t. In all honesty I need her to. I need the feel of her to bring me back down to earth. Taking the decision away from her, I take her hand in mine and hold it tight, encouraging her to tell me everything.

  “Go on, El. Tell me, I’m ready.”

  I think.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Eliza

  Even after he’s seen the picture, he still thinks I’ve done it all on purpose.

  He doesn’t have to say the words out loud; I can see it in his eyes. The blame, disgust and deceit swim in the depths of his baby blues. When he takes my hand in his, my first instinct was to pull away, but I don’t, because something tells me he needs the contact between us.

  “You have to tell me everything, El. Even if you think I won't like it. I need the full story of what happened to you. I know my parents are involved somehow. That much is obvious when you react the way you have today, at seeing them. I'm not gonna promise that I won't go mad, because if I did, then that would make me a liar and that's something I'm certainly not.”

  Squeezing my hand tighter in his, I inhale a shaky breath, preparing myself to tell him everything.

  “Nate, what I'm about to tell you I did for all three of us. I had to protect us all. It may not seem that way, but at the time it was my only choice.”

  Nate squeezes my hand again, but doesn't say anything and gives me a reassuring smile to continue on.

  “I discovered I was pregnant in the second semester of my sophomore year. I already knew your parents hated me. I heard them telling you to break it off with me, when they caught us together that day in your room…”

  “El…” he tries to talk, but I stop him.

  “Please, Nate. Let me get this out, because if I don't do it now, I never will.”

  “Okay, I won't stop you again.”

  “After that day, I made it my mission to avoid them if they ever visited you. It worked for the best part, that was until I slipped up. They came to visit you a month or so after, you went outside to greet them. So, while you were gone, I made my escape. Only I left my open backpack in your room. I'm surprised really that you never saw it in there, because that's how they found out.”