Two turns off the main road brought her to the outskirts of the small town. A field lay before her on either side, and ahead she recognized the greenhouse she’d helped build, her headlights glancing off the glass. Home, at long last. She parked on the dirt in front of the ranch house. Her parents still hadn’t paved the driveway after all their talk of doing so, summer after summer. Time seemed to have escaped the entire town, leaving it stuck somewhere earlier in the 21st century. A current ran deep here, she knew, drawing the residents down and carrying them until they either died or managed to escape, as she had. It pulled them just beneath the surface, eluding success and prosperity, drowning them little by little in the mundane rhythm of small town life.
As the car shut off, she saw the hallway light switch on, and the outdoor flood illuminated a path to the front door. Her mother stood in the doorway, thinner and markedly older than the last time she’d seen her. She knew immediately that she should have come home sooner. She’d missed too much of their lives. Her sister had given birth twice in the last couple of years, and all she knew of her new nephews was through videos she’d viewed indifferently on her screen.
“Sweetie, I’m so glad you’re home,” Iris said sleepily. She wrapped her skeletal arms around Jolie and pulled her in for a long hug. “Too long, too long.”
“I’m sorry, Mom, I shouldn’t have waited. You look thin. What’s wrong?”
“Oh, just working hard and not eating enough.”
Jolie’s eyes filled with tears. Things were falling apart here. She’d stay, she had to, and help them with the farm, however long it took, until they didn’t need her anymore. She closed her eyes and felt her body slip into the water already, floating with all the other townspeople toward the inevitable.
“Why don’t you come in and have some tea with me, sweetie. You look like you could use a little relaxing and a chat before you go to bed.”
Jolie just nodded, slinking into the house. The hallway seemed to close in on her. Had the walls become narrower in her absence? She perched warily on the edge of the overstuffed brown couch as her mother boiled water. The ancient flat screen television leaned backward from its broken base and rested against the corner across from her. Danielle had run into it during one of their games of tag when she was about six or seven, and there was never enough money to buy a new one. A pair of dirt dusted work boots had been thrown next to the coffee table, and Jolie imagined her tired father kicking back on the couch with a beer after a difficult day of work. Did he have the same bedraggled look that her mother wore?
“Here you go, sweetie.” Her mother placed a mug in front of her. “Chamomile, to help us sleep.” Her glasses rested crookedly on her nose, a piece of duct tape holding one side of the frame together near her temple. Iris ran a hand through her honey brown hair, streaked with gray. Jolie had inherited her own freckled skin and red hair from her father’s Irish ancestors.
“Thanks, Mom.” She sipped the tea and it burned her tongue. “Hot.”
Her mother smiled uncertainly at her, as if one wrong move would send her packing for another few years. She set down her tea. “How was your trip?”
“I stopped in Akron on the way. Almost went to Chicago for a few days, but I decided not to.” Jolie couldn’t bring herself to share any more details or dredge up any difficult feelings at this hour.
“Well, we’re happy you’re here now. Danielle and the boys will be over tomorrow. They can’t wait to meet their aunt.” Iris patted Jolie’s hand.
Jolie turned up the corners of her mouth in what she hoped looked like a smile. “I think I’ll head to bed now. I’m exhausted.”
“You just come out when you’re ready for breakfast, okay? We won’t make too much noise.”
Jolie nodded and hugged her mom briefly before lifting her mug and turning the corner to her room. The walls remained the depressing lilac that she’d painted years ago. Her twin bed stood in the corner with its pilly floral comforter. Opening the closet, she recognized the collection of work clothes that she’d left behind. They wouldn’t fit her now. She’d lost too much weight in the past four weeks. It was all a reminder of something she’d left behind long ago, something that felt foreign to her now. Her leg tingled slightly, reminding her that she was a different person with new heartaches and new goals.
She closed the closet door and sat on the bed. She sat there for a long time trying to reconcile the two versions of herself that inhabited the room. The eager and fearful college bound girl who counted the days until she could make the trip out east and start her new life. And now, the broken woman who had returned, trying to find solace in a place she had never been entirely happy.
Her eyes closed as her head hit the pillow, but she forced them open again. There was one more thing to do. Made it, she sent to Nova and Karlee. She received a smile from Nova, and a puzzling good luck with everything from Karlee. Whatever its meaning, Jolie quickly forgot about it as she fell into a fitful sleep.
* * *
Something wet hit Jolie in the nose, and she groaned, the sunlight way too bright for how tired she still felt.
“Annie Joey?” a small voice asked. A fist pulled a handful of her hair, and she rolled toward the wall. The bed sank as her tormenter climbed on top of it, then onto her.
“Jimmy, there you are. You leave your Aunt Jolie alone. She’s sleeping.” Danielle’s voice broke into her foggy head.
“But I wanna see her!” The child screeched, the shrillness sending a shiver through her. She wouldn’t be able to sleep now anyway, having been awakened so effectively.
Rolling over, she rubbed her eyes and squinted at her sister, who was holding her squirming nephew.
“Hey,” she said.
“Welcome home, Jo. Same as when you left, only more awful, right?” Danielle put Jimmy down and leaned over to hug her. Her long brown hair tickled Jolie’s cheek. She was the opposite of her sister in almost every way. Danielle took after their once stocky mother while Jolie had inherited her slight frame and pale complexion from their father.
“Good to see you, Dani. This is the Jimmy I’ve heard so much about?” She directed the last part to Jimmy, and truthfully she may have heard a lot about him if she’d bothered to call her sister more often. No matter, Jimmy’s face lit up and he ran with chubby arms outstretched toward the bed once more. Jolie ruffled his hair and he cozied up to her.
“If you can watch Jimmy, I’ll cook you up something for breakfast.”
Jolie nodded. “Sure, sounds great.” Then, she remembered her mother the night before. “Wait.” She lowered her voice. “What’s wrong with mom?”
“Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s been that way ever since you missed Christmas for the first time,” Danielle said matter-of-factly.
Jolie was stunned. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
Danielle sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Jimmy onto her lap. “What would you have done? Come back out of guilt? You clearly wanted to stay at school, and trust me, Mom wanted that too. We all watched you get out, and I can’t say I’m not jealous, but I am proud of you, little sis.”
Jolie lay back against her pillow. “Jesus,” she whispered.
“Don’t beat yourself up. Mom’s already done that enough for everyone in this family. Okay? I’m getting you some breakfast.”
Jolie sat up again and corralled her nephew. She checked her messages while she waited. Nothing new had come in since nine hours earlier. Unable to contain her curiosity, she checked a news feed, searching for a story about Ana’s mission. It didn’t take long to find one. It seemed the entire world was now abuzz over the secretive plans to launch a new crew to Mars in the next few weeks. The story was rife with speculation. Nobody knew much of anything, it seemed. Just that a ship would be launching soon from Texas. Even she knew more than that.
A wicked idea crossed in her mind. She could sell her story for a lot of money. Details were what people wanted, and she had them. Intimate details about one of
their astronauts. She knew she couldn’t bring herself to do it, despite how tempting it seemed. But she took comfort in knowing that she had stories Ana wouldn’t want the world to know, ones that would bring Jolie’s family a lot of money. After all, Ana was going to be famous, with stories about the mission, about Ana choosing a suitable partner, even having children with someone, written in the public record.
The more she read, the further she felt from Ana’s life. The millions of people following the story seemed to insert themselves between them, and she could no longer see Ana beyond the crowd. She quickly put the screen away. She would just have to be careful to avoid any news at all for the next few months. After that, maybe the noise would die down.
Jimmy squirmed in her lap and she helped him down to the floor as Danielle returned with a plate of mouthwatering food. She eyed the scrambled eggs and toast hungrily.
“Dani, this looks amazing. Thanks for making it.”
“Anything for you, sis.” Danielle sat on the bed again as Jolie ate. “Do you want to tell me what prompted this little family reunion?”
Jolie swallowed a half-chewed bite of eggs. “It’s complicated.”
“Oh, good. I love a juicy story. And I’ve got all day.”
“James is working?”
“You bet. And mom’s got the other rascals in the living room. Jimmy likes to stay with me, though. Anyway, get to it. Tell me everything.”
Jolie spoke through forkfuls of eggs and bites of toast. “Did you know that I moved off campus?”
Danielle nodded. “You did call me once in the past few months, so yeah, I heard that part.”
Jolie ignored her jab. “I moved in with a woman named Ana. Gorgeous. Brilliant scientist. Of course, I can’t pick a normal person to fall in love with. I have to pick the one who’s going to Mars in a few days.”
“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that? You lived with someone who’s part of that Mars mission that’s all over the news?” Danielle stared in disbelief. “How did they even let that happen? I thought they’d all be living together or something.”
“Nope. Little old me lived with a secret astronaut. She never did tell me she was going to Mars. I had to figure it out.”
“Christ,” Danielle muttered. “So what happened?”
Jolie found it easier than she expected to recount her feelings. Maybe a part of her was really getting over Ana. “We were dating. I was in love with her, and I know she felt the same. But I can’t compete with a one-way trip to Mars.”
“So you were upset about the breakup and thought spending time in this shithole would make you feel better?”
Jolie smirked and play punched her sister in the arm. “More like, if I’d stayed in the house, I’d probably see her again, and I couldn’t handle that. I had to hide until she’s long gone. For good.” Her face fell and she put her plate on her lap.
“You’ve got it bad for her, don’t you. I can see it in your eyes.”
Jolie sighed. “You have no idea. I just can’t imagine finding someone else like her, ever.”
“You will, honey.”
“I don’t know. It just sucks that she had other obligations.”
“Like going to Mars,” said Danielle.
“Like going to Mars.”
“Well, I suppose if you have to have another obligation, that’s a pretty good one to have.”
“Yeah, for her.” Jolie pushed the plate away. She wasn’t hungry anymore. “Is Dad around?”
“Out in the fields, as usual. He’s harvesting tomorrow, I think, so it looks like you’re in for a little work.”
“A little?” She chuckled. If she remembered anything from living here, it was the long hours she’d put in on the farm every spare moment she had. Between that and her schoolwork, she’d had little time for anything besides sleep. That was why, even with all the upkeep she had to help with at Ana’s, she was grateful for the time she could spend sitting by the river, staying late in the art studio, or lazing about with Ana after a particularly sleepless night. That was over now. She’d have to get used to her old schedule again.
“I think he’s cleaning the silos today. I saw him walking that way when we got here.”
“Thanks. I think I’ll go help.”
Danielle got up and placed Jimmy on her hip. “You’re going to regret coming back here before you know it. Oh, and Dad already brought in all your boxes. They’re in the living room.”
Jolie pulled on a flannel shirt and a pair of old jeans that were a little too big. She slipped into her boots and rushed out the door, barely giving her mom more than a brief hug. She found her dad sweeping inside one of the large structures.
“Hey, Dad. I’m back.”
He turned at the sound of her voice. “Hey, there. Good to have you home.” He embraced her for a long time, then held her at arm’s length, looking into her eyes. He must have sensed her deep heartache because he didn’t ask questions. “Grab a broom,” he said.
She took one from the rack of tools and began sweeping next to him. Having something to do was cathartic, and they worked side by side in an easy silence. When they were done, he motioned her over to sit on a bench while he drank water from a gallon jug.
“Your mom didn’t tell me much about why you came home, but you wouldn’t have done it unless something threw you off. What happened out there?” Her dad spoke in his slow Midwestern rhythm, and Jolie remembered how much she missed talking to him face to face.
Jolie took a swig from the jug, passing it back to her dad like they used to do. “I fell in love with someone who was in love with something else.”
He nodded. “You were never one to do something half-hearted. Just like your dad.”
Jolie looked at her boots and knocked them against the bench.
“Whatever she had going for her, it’s not as special as you,” he said.
She chuckled. “What if I told you she’s on that mission to Mars? The one that’s all over the news.”
Her dad put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. “My baby girl, in love with an astronaut. Good thing we sent you to school all the way out East where they have fancy astronauts and whatnot.”
“It’s not as fancy as you think out there. Actually, I might take next semester off. I think I’ll stay here and help you with the farm. I know you need it.”
Her father shook his head. “Absolutely not. Honey, your mom and I want you to have the choices we didn’t. You can’t stay here and waste away like this piece of land. Hardly get anything from it anymore. You’ve got to do something for yourself.”
“I want to be able to help. I hate seeing you like this.”
He looked Jolie right in the eye, holding her gaze for a moment. “The way you can help is by being happy. When we know you’re happy, your mother and I are happy. And when you become a famous artist, you can fly us out to see your shows. Okay?”
Jolie leaned into his shoulder. “Okay. I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, sweetie. Now let’s get the rest of this floor swept up.” Her dad rose from the bench and made his way to the other side of the silo.
After a late lunch, Jolie was given leave of her farm duties for a few hours. “As long as you’re with me all day tomorrow. Five-thirty, we start,” her dad said.
She’d agreed reluctantly. At least she’d be helping put food on the table while she could. A quick peek inside the cupboards and refrigerator revealed little to eat, and certainly nothing close to the variety she was used to. If she was going to be living at home for a little while, she couldn’t be a burden to the already tight budget. Between catching up on schoolwork tonight and the early morning tomorrow, there wouldn’t be time for much sleep, and she couldn’t afford much anyway. If she couldn’t help out long-term, she could at least sacrifice a little rest to make it easier on her parents.
“I’m going out for a bit,” she said to her mother as she passed through the living room. A flash of desperation clouded Iris’s features for a
moment, and Jolie instantly felt guilty for leaving, yet again. “I’ll be back, Mom. I promise.” She shut the door carefully behind her and avoided looking at her mom again.
She had the car wander aimlessly through town before directing it down a familiar road. The last time she’d been to the old reservoir, it had been a late summer evening. Somehow, she and her two best friends had known it would be the last time they’d all be in one place. They’d set off some celebratory fireworks and drank from a bottle of cheap vodka. Then, she’d left for school and, in an attempt to make a clean break into her new life, had lost contact with them. She wondered where they were now, but not enough to find out.
She ambled along the dusty reservoir lake bed. Here and there, a skeleton of one unfortunate amphibious creature or another lay half uncovered in the dried mud. Cigarette butts rested in piles along the edge, and a gust of wind sent an empty can clattering across the basin in front of her.
Jolie shivered and pulled her fleece more tightly around her shoulders. The place was eerily deserted, the few trees that lined the edges doing nothing to block her view of the fields that surrounded the former lake. She was exposed, vulnerable to the wind whipping across the cracked ground, desperate to fill the void that had begun to close during the last month, only to expand in each moment that brought Ana closer to launch time. Jolie realized that she had held onto a small hope that Ana would somehow find her way back, but now she knew for certain that she wouldn’t. The launch would be final. And compared to that future, Jolie was nothing. She couldn’t provide the life Ana wanted, full of adventure and importance. The finality hit her like a truck and she fought to wipe away tears mixed with wind-whipped grit. Her lungs constricted, panic washing over her in waves.
The Universe Between Us Page 20
