Play Sexy For Me (Handy Mann Chronicles Book 1)

by Jimmy Pudge

  “Man, this is weird,” I said. “So, if Brenda knew Mal was at the sausage factory, you think she killed Mal at the cabin?”

  The smile on Groefield’s face fell. “Killed? What the hell you talking about?’

  “Mal’s dead.”

  “Jesus. When?”

  “The other day. I was supposed to meet him at a cabin. I found his body, ripped apart.”

  Groefield whistled. “Wow, that’s heavy. I did not know this. You think Brenda would have done something like this?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “All I know is she was probably in one of those snuff films I found. A Mexican guy told me a horror story about this movie she did with her sister. Jesus, man. Maybe she was involved a little deeper than she wanted anyone to know so she got rid of anything tying her to it.”

  “We need to find her,” Mal said. “We need to find her now before she’s gone. I can track her credit cards. I’ve got a connection. I’ll call him right now.”

  “Thanks, Groefield,” I said. I stood up as well. “I need to visit my cousin, see how he’s doing.”

  “We’ll talk soon,” Groefield said. “I’ll pay you a visit when I know something.”

  “Thanks again.”

  I walked out of Groefield’s office feeling positive about things for the first time in days. I’d done a lot of things in my life. Fast food chef, Pizza delivery boy, dog catcher, hotel clerk, etc…but never had I been a detective. Man, this gig was fun.

  When I pulled up in the hospital parking lot, I wasn’t feeling nearly as happy. Ronald was pretty bad off, close to death, a fucking rat gnawing on his hand. I hoped it hadn’t scarred him, changed him into an asshole.

  Turns out I had to wait an hour in the lobby because only two visitors are allowed in to see a patient at a time. After watching an entire episode of Dr. Phil, these two hot ass ladies come walking out with tits the size of watermelons. I knew exactly where they had come from and jumped up, went back to see how my cousin was doing.

  “Close that door,” he said as I opened it, a fog of marijuana smoke hitting me.

  “Shit, you can’t light up in here,” I said.

  “Too late,” he said.

  Both of Ronald’s hands were bandaged so he had to use both bandaged hands like mitts to pull the joint out of his mouth. He looked ridiculous. I grabbed it from his mouth and held it for him.

  “You’re too damn kind, Handy.”

  “I came to see how you were doing.”

  “Man, never been better. Just got a blowjob from Jessica and one from Monica. Then they started pleasuring each other. I also watched Rachel Raye cooking some chicken. Man, I’m going to try that recipe when I get out of here.”

  “I’ve been looking into things,” I said. “This whole snuff thing, it just keeps getting weirder.”

  Ronald waved me off. “You know what, I don’t give a shit about that stuff no more. I lost fingers, cuz! Let’s talk about something else. Shit, you need to stay out of it too. That motherfucker Mal is dead. That’s all there is to it.”

  “I just can’t let it go. I think I loved Claire.”

  “Motherfucker, you fucked that bitch one time and knew her for only two days, right? You can’t love someone in such a short amount of time. You know what, you’re obsessed, Handy. You’re a fucking stalker like that Police song, man.”

  “Whatever,” I said, throwing his joint in the sink. I cut the water on, mashed it down until all the evidence had left. The room still stank of weed. Ronald was going to get tossed out.

  “Listen, man,” Ronald said. “I got a favor to ask of you.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Open up that dresser right there, the bottom drawer. Yeah, that’s it. Look under the pants. There you go. You see that ring?”

  “This one?” I said, lifting up a heavy, diamond studded horseshoe ring.

  “There you go,” Ronald said. “You know my first bitch, Lisa gave me that. It means a lot to me, you know? I’ll never be able to wear it again. I want you to do me a favor, alright?”

  “What?”

  “I want you to take that ring, find out wherever Black Elvis is staying, and I want you to put it on your finger and hit him in the nuts as hard as you possibly can. You do that for me, you can have that ring.”

  I smiled, put the ring on my finger. “Consider it done.”

  Turned out Jerome was still at the hospital, and was down the hall in room 32. I walked inside as he was eating a pudding cup off his hospital tray and watching Family Feud.

  “Whoa, now, who let you inside?” Jerome said, snapping his fingers. “You’re that cat who told that crazy chick to bite my dick off.” He started pushing the red call button. “Nurse,” he said, “nurse.”

  There was no response.

  I walked up to him, said, “This is for making me hate Elvis,” then punched him in the nuts as I hard as I could.

  He screamed like a girl at an Elvis concert.

  I ran out of the room, took the elevator and hauled ass out of the lobby into the parking lot. I jumped in my car and hit the gas pedal.

  Wow, that was fun. I smiled as I thought of the King in his bed, crying. The nurses would pull up his gown, maybe see a horseshoe imprint on his dick or something.

  I pulled up to my trailer, put the keys in the lock and went inside.

  “Hello, Handy,” Brenda said, placing a gun barrel to my forehead. “Nice to see you.”

  Chapter 22

  First thing I noticed how she looked just like Claire, but wasn't as nice as her. Hell, she was a down right bitch. She gestured at me with the gun,

  "Come on in and make yourself comfortable, after all your home is my home and all that."

  Eerily she sounded the same too. I heard that twins shared everything even each others pain. Too bad this bitch didn’t die when she killed her sister. I walked into my trailer, for the first time at gunpoint, and closed the door. I looked for an out, but she had the gun pressed up against my head, and it was uncomfortable and scary as hell, so I just walked over to the couch.

  “Hey, can I get you a drink or something I asked.”

  She tapped the barrel of her gun against my head. “Just sit the fuck down alright?”

  So I sat on the couch, and she sat on the opposite end and rested her arm with the gun on the back of the sofa and still had it trained on me. She smiled and used her other hand to rake some hair from her face and put it over her ear, the way Claire would do sometimes. For a few uncomfortable moments she just stared at me, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I needed answers and dammit, if she wsa going to plug me at least I’d fucking die knowing the truth.

  “Why did you do it? Why Brenda? Why did you have to go and fucking kill Claire? What did she ever do to you you fucking bitch?”

  “Brenda?”

  She looked more amused than confused which confused the shit out of me.

  “Brenda? Handy, my god, you are amazing.” She got up and leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead and sat back down. “If it wasn’t for your big perv streak I would swear you were a big little kid. Amazing. I almost hate to have to kill you. It would have been perfect if Mal wasn’t such an asshole.”

  I had no idea what the fuck was going on. So I said so. “Look, Brenda, I have no fucking idea whats going on. What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You still don’t get it? Numbnuts. I am Claire! I have always been, always will be. The dead body you woke up next to was Brenda.”

  “So Brenda was pretending to be you?”

  “Fuck if you aren’t a retard I don’t know what you are Handy. Let me explain before you drive me insane.”

  “Please do. I was trying to find your killer, trying to get justice for you.”

  “I know, and it was sweet. Misguided and all, but sweet. Look, I needed a fall guy. I needed to disappear. The heat from the films was on, and the FBI was getting close to finding us and shutting us down. We needed out, out of the businees and better yet,
out of the fucking country.”

  “You know about the porn and snuff and shit?”

  “Yes, Handy, it was all my idea. I started us in the businesses, some of the best sellers was my audition tape. Our hottest seller. Obviously I’m too old to do those kind of videos anymore, but too old I can’t do regular porn and then I thought hey, why not just do snuff. I mean, you don’t have to pay the women, and you can sell your product for ridiculous amounts of money. I am rich Handy. Beyond your wildest, sweaty, fucking dreams. I made a lot of other people rich too, though I think Jerome may need to spend his money on buying a new dick, after your friend tried to bite it off.”

  I couldn’t help myself but laugh. “I think they sewed it back, but I gave him a good whack in the Johnson so I think I popped a few stiches.”

  She laughed. “Look Handy, I am sorry about your cousin, I mean, the plan was going to be pretty straight forward. We were looking for a patsy, that was where you came in. I would seduce you, set you up for my murder. You would take the rap and I would be somewhere in the Caymans right now sipping on some Rum Punch. And being a very very wealthy woman of leisure. Only there was one big problem. Two actually. The main problem was you. You stupid, and hopeless little dumb fuck. You couldn’t leave anything go could you? I swear you two were cut from the same clueless cloth.”

  “Who?”

  “Mal you ignorant sack or puss!”

  “Don’t forget the passport.”

  “That was Mal’s fault again. He was supposed to bring Brenda here, alive, and kill her. we filmed it as a last movie of our company and would have shipped it from wherever we wound up as our final destination. But Mal was too impatient, he killed her back in the studio while he was raping her, I swear he got off on that shit. At first you know I almost had to push him into it you know, but now, damn, he is, well, he was a fucking nut case.”

  I inched closer, and had my own arm on the back of the sofa now.

  “You’re telling me, he—“

  “Back the fuck off Handy.” She pressed the barrel of the gun against my melon so hard I know it left a mark. I inched back to where I was and folded my hands in my lap.

  “Ok, so you aren’t Brenda, you guys killed her, why? I mean so you can use her passport, I mean that was your sister.”

  “Yes, for one to use her passport, to assume her life. I mean she was divorced, no kids, so no ties really. I would have sold the house and had even more money, not that I needed it but no, the bitch had it coming Karma is a bitch and for her Karmas new name was Claire. I had to make her pay. See, Daddy never touched her. I was his little girl. I know you looked at the video you big fat fucking perv-“

  “No, Claire, I didn’t, that’s disgusting. Id have killed your father for what he did to you.”

  She paused. I could tell she was sad, but she was still a fucking murderous bitch so I had to keep my head in the game.

  “That’s sweet Handy, but knowing my father if you would have come in to help hed have fucked you too, we are like the same age aren’t we? So you couldn’t have helped even if I knew you back them. I mean, what was it about me and not Brenda. I hated her. Hated her my whole life and now it was her chance to pay me back. I mean its only fair right?”

  I sat in silence. She shot the gun right past me, I would swear the bullet just missed my ear by centimeters and shattered the window above the sink.

  “Man, what the fuck?”

  “I asked you a question.”

  “I thought it was rhetorical?”

  “It wasn’t.”

  “Fuck no you shouldn’t have killed your sister. You shouldn’t have killed anyone darling. You need to deal with your own problems and find the answers.”

  “How sweet, you sound like a redneck fortune cookie”

  She got up and went to the fridge, watching me the whole time.

  “Can you get me a beer?”

  She threw me a bottle of water, and brought back a beer for herself. She took a long pull on the beer. “So, where was I? Oh yeah, so Mal jumped the gun and the time of death was fucked. And then he planted the weapon in your car, that would have been fine, but he trashed your car too. See that jealousy thing of his is out, was out of hand. I said that. Even though we were setting you up it got him really pissed off. Anyway I was clearing out all my stuff from the room and told him grab the stuff from the safe. He obviously fucked that up too. Like the business, it was headed for disaster, but you know that already, because you were the one that fucked shit up. I mean the Feds and all were getting close but we would have been long gone, you gave all that a jump start with your little fucking Knight in Fucking junkyard armor thing going didn’t you? Damn Handy, you know I need those videos back, well not all of them just the one of me and my father, that one I need back, I have to have back, I cannot leave without that one.”

  “Why would you want that one back?”

  “I want them all back, I need that one back. Lets just say for sentimental reasons.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Yes and no, I do want it back but I have sold and resold and well, that’s child pornography, and even if I am the star, I am not going down for that. The other videos, well, they would have a hard time tying me to many of them. That one I was stupid enough to put my name to, and shit like that. Just get them back for me, same deal you had with Mal, only this time, no cops.”

  “How did you get to Mal?”

  “Greedy perverted fuck, he had some whores go over to the cabin in and out all day, so I just slipped in and out as well. Before I slipped out I had to get him out of the picture for fucking shit up.”

  “I guess.”

  “You guess, or you know? Damn, Handy, you are pissing me off.”

  “Sorry, so what do you want from me?”

  “Call who you need to call and get my shit back. ASAP. And I will be out of your hair forever.”

  I didn’t know what to do, I mean if I called the cops, I was sunk, Ron, was out of commission, Groefield. I could call him. Hopefully he would be able to read between the lines and be able to spring into action, but I doubted it, but he was my only choice. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone.

  “Easy does it.” She said.

  “Cell phone,” I said.

  I called Groefield.

  She inched closer, “speaker Handy.”

  “There aint none.”

  She got close and listened.

  “Groefild Inverstigations, Spouse told a lie? Call a private eye. Groefiled speaking.”

  “Hey man, its Handy. I need a favor.”

  “Look Handy, no more freebies. I think I paid you back already.”

  “No man you did, just I need you to deliver those files to me.”

  “Files?”

  “Yes remember, the flash drives and folders with information I told you to hold?”

  There was silence for a moment. I was shitting my pants, I hoped he didn’t blow things.

  “Got them right here. Want me to bring them over?”

  “A.S.A.P. brother.”

  “Sure thing Handy. Be there in about half an hour or so.: Talk to you.”

  He cut the call off, now one of two things, he was either going to come here empty handed because he didn’t have anything in the office, or he was going to call the police and the cavalry would arrive. I know one thing for sure, I would be as surprised as Claire to find out which would happen.

  Chapter 23

  Groefield kept us waiting for awhile. Every now and then Claire nudged me with the pistol.

  “Where’s your friend, fat boy?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I wondered if she was on something. She couldn’t sit still, kept fidgeting and scratching her arm. Paced the room about a hundred times.

  “Want to see my titty?”

  She pulled it out, lifted the nipple to her lips and kissed it.

  “You like that?”

  “You’re disgusting.”

  Her hand
felt my package. “Feels like you like it to me. Want to fuck?”

  My eyes widened. I spit on the floor. “No chance in hell.”

  “You sure?” she asked, pulling her other breast out.

  “Okay,” I said. “But I’m not going to enjoy it.”

  “Psyche! You fucking loser. I’ve got a gun to your head, and you’d still make love to me? What a loser.”

  Claire was fucking crazy. I could see that now. “Whoa, baby. Wasn’t no one talking about making love. I thought this was just fucking.”

  She slapped me in the face with the gun barrel. There was a sharp smack, my head tilted to the side, but I kind of liked it.

  “Where’s your friend at?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, spitting a tooth out of my mouth. “Maybe he’s at the liquor store.”

  “Don’t be cute.”

  There was a knock on the door. Claire stuffed her huge ass titties back in her bra and covered them with her shirt, then walked to the front door, the gun pointed at me.

  “Handy!” came a voice from the other side of the door. “Handy, open up. I got the shit, man.”

  Claire opened the door.

  Groefield walked inside with a manila envelope in his hand. “Hey,” he said, extending his free hand to Claire. “I’m Groefield, Handy’s friend. And you are?”

  “She’s a bitch,” I said from the couch. “Give her the shit and leave, motherfucker.” What the fuck was Groefield doing? Did he have a gun or something? Surely he saw the pistol Claire had pointed on me.

  “Don’t be like that to this beautiful flower,” Groefield said, walking further into the living room, sitting down beside me on the sofa, the envelope in his hand.

  Claire smiled, the pistol now trained on both of us.

  “Is everything in this manila envelope?” she asked.

  “Sure is,” Groefield said. “I saw your video, by the way. How could anyone make something like that?”