The Inspector-General

by Nikolai Gogol

  He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up by the officials.

  GOVERNOR (walks up to him trembling from top to toe and speaking with a great effort). Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV (curtly). What is it?

  GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV (as before). I can't make out a thing, it's all nonsense.

  GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex—Your 'lency—Your Excellency, wouldn't you like to rest a bit? Here's a room and everything you may need.

  KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense—rest! However, I'm ready for a rest. Your lunch was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, I am satisfied. (Declaiming.) Labardan! Labardan!

  He goes into the next room followed by the Governor.

  Scene VII

  The same without Khlestakov and the Governor.

  BOBCHINSKY (to Dobchinsky). There's a man for you, Piotr Ivanovich. That's what I call a man. I've never in my life been in the presence of so important a personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think is his rank, Piotr Ivanovich?

  DOBCHINSKY. I think he's almost a general.

  BOBCHINSKY. And I think a general isn't worth the sole of his boots. But if he is a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself. Did you hear how he bullies the Imperial Council? Come, let's hurry off to Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna.

  DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmother.

  Both go out.

  ARTEMY. It makes your heart sink and you don't know why. We haven't even our uniforms on. Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he goes and sends a report about us to St. Petersburg. (He goes out sunk in thought, with the School Inspector, both saying.) Good-by, madam.

  Scene VIII

  Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

  ANNA. Oh, how charming he is!

  MARYA. A perfect dear!

  ANNA. Such refined manners. You can recognize the big city article at once. How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I'm just crazy for young men like him. I am in ecstasies—beside myself. He liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.

  MARYA. Oh, mamma, he looked at me.

  ANNA. No more nonsense please. It's out of place now.

  MARYA. But really, mamma, he did look at me.

  ANNA. There you go! For God's sake, don't argue. You mustn't. That's enough. What would he be looking at you for? Please tell me, why would he be looking at you?

  MARYA. It's true, mamma. He kept looking at me. He looked at me when he began to speak about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he told about how he played whist with the ambassadors.

  ANNA. Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice and might have said to himself, "Oh, well, I'll give her a look."

  Scene IX

  The same and the Governor.

  GOVERNOR. Sh-sh!

  ANNA. What is it?

  GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't given him so much to drink. Suppose even half of what he said is true? (Sunk in thought.) How can it not be true? A man in his cups is always on the surface. What's in his heart is on his tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the more you think the less you know what's going on in your head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were going to be hanged, the devil take it!

  ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn't make me feel a bit queer.

  GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough's said. Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out words that don't make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.—Say, my dear, you are as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.

  ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. (Glancing at Marya.) We know a thing or two in that line.

  GOVERNOR (to himself). Oh, what's the good of talking to you! Confound it all! I can't get over my fright yet. (Opens the door and calls.) Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. They are near the gate. (After a pause of silence.) The world has turned into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so that you couldn't make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at last.—Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident that he's a young man.

  Scene X

  The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.

  ANNA. Come here, my good man.

  GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?

  OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little.

  ANNA. What's your name?

  OSIP. Osip, madam.

  GOVERNOR (to his wife and daughter). That'll do, that'll do. (To Osip.) Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?

  OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.

  ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn't he?

  OSIP (aside). What shall I say? Seeing as they've given me such good feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better later. (Aloud.) Yes, counts do visit him.

  MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand?

  ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he—

  GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well, friend, how—

  ANNA. What is your master's rank?

  OSIP. The usual rank.

  GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow—you know what I mean—does he or doesn't he?

  OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being just so.

  GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What—?

  ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?

  GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, friend, I like you very much. It's rather chilly now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles for some tea.

  OSIP (taking the money.) Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant you health and long life. You've helped a poor man.

  GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. Now, friend—

  ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?

  MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!

  GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. (To Osip.) Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?

  OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.

  GOVERNOR. Entertained well?

  OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S'help me God! Say we'd stop at some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No, badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host. Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself (with a wave of his hand). "I am a simple person. God be with them."

  GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea. Here's something for buns, too.

  OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. (Puts the money in his pocket.) I'll sure drink your health, sir.

  ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

  MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.

  Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.

  GOVERNOR. Hush! (Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone.) Don't make a
noise, for heaven's sake! Go, it's enough.

  ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. (They go out.)

  GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd want to stop up your ears. (To Osip.) Well, friend—

  Scene XI

  The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

  GOVERNOR. Sh—sh! Bandy-legged bears—thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. Where in the devil have you been knocking about?

  DERZHIMORDA. I had your order—

  GOVERNOR. Hush! (Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.) Like a bull bellowing. (Mocking him.) "I had your order—" Makes a noise like an empty barrel. (To Osip.) Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll—The instant you see anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, (shows with his foot) and throw him out. Do you hear? Hush—hush!

  He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.

  CURTAIN

  Act IV

  *

  SCENE: Same as in Act III.

  Scene I

  Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.

  AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. (Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.)

  ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.

  AMMOS. Try what?

  ARTEMY. It's clear what.

  AMMOS. Grease?

  ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.

  AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?

  POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post and we don't know for whom?

  ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do—what ought to be done, you know—so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first.

  AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in your institution.

  ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.

  LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.

  ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's mouth.

  AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.

  ALL (pressing him). No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too. Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!

  AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.

  Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's room. All hurry to the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.

  BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.

  ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my sins. You are squeezing me to death.

  Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push through the door, and the stage is left empty.

  Scene II

  Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.

  KHLESTAKOV (alone). I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get those mattresses and feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out. I still feel a pounding in my head. I see I can have a good time here. I like hospitality, and I must say I like it all the more if people entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested motives. The Governor's daughter is not a bad one at all, and the mother is also a woman you can still—I don't know, but I do like this sort of life.

  Scene III

  Khlestakov and the Judge.

  JUDGE (comes in and stops. Talking to himself). Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking together! (Drawing himself up and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud.) I have the honor to present myself—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.

  KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?

  JUDGE. I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I have served ever since.

  KHLESTAKOV. Does it pay to be a judge?

  JUDGE. After serving three terms I was decorated with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval of the government. (Aside.) I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.

  KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.

  JUDGE (slightly extending his balled fist. Aside). Good God! I don't know where I'm sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.

  KHLESTAKOV. What have you got in your hand there?

  AMMOS (getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor). Nothing.

  KHLESTAKOV. How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.

  AMMOS (shaking all over). Oh no, oh no, not at all! (Aside.) Oh, Lord! Now I'm under arrest and they've brought a wagon to take me.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it IS money. (Picking it up.)

  AMMOS (aside). It's all over with me. I'm lost! I'm lost!

  KHLESTAKOV. I tell you what—lend it to me.

  AMMOS (eagerly). Why, of course, of course—with the greatest pleasure. (Aside.) Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!

  KHLESTAKOV. I've run out of cash on the road, what with one thing and another, you know. I'll let you have it back as soon as I get to the village.

  AMMOS. Please don't mention it! It is a great honor to have you take it. I'll try to deserve it—by putting forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and ardor for the government. (Rises from the chair and draws himself up straight with his hands hanging at his sides.) I will not venture to disturb you longer with my presence. You don't care to give any orders?

  KHLESTAKOV. What orders?

  JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court here?

  KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No, nothing. Thank you very much.

  AMMOS (bowing and leaving. Aside.). Now the town is ours.

  KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a fine fellow.

  Scene IV

  Khlestakov and the Postmaster.

  POSTMASTER (in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up). I have the honor to present myself—Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.

  KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much. Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?

  POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so.

  KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, there aren't many people. It's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital. Isn't that so—it isn't the capital?

  POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so.

  KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find bon-ton and not a lot of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn't that so?

&nbs
p; POSTMASTER. Quite so. (Aside.) He isn't a bit proud. He inquires about everything.

  KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little town.

  POSTMASTER. Quite so.

  KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this—you want people to respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn't that so?

  POSTMASTER. Exactly.

  KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer. But that's the kind of character I am. (Looking him in the face and talking to himself.) I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan. (Aloud.) A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

  POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune. I am ready to serve you with all my heart.

  KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn't that so?

  POSTMASTER. Quite so. (Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his hand.) I'll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make any remarks about the post office administration?