Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  She opened the door and threw her stuff in. I watched her curiously amongst the half-light.

  At the last minute she turned back to me and pulled me into her. I felt her hand run under my long shirt and pull my legs apart. They moved to pick me up as I kissed her. My hand flew up into her hair as my entire body crawled up onto hers and stayed.

  “Have I mentioned lately, how much I love when you hold me?” I beamed.

  “You didn’t need to,” she said, nudging my face with her lips and making her way to my ear to whisper. “I can tell,” she barely spoke.

  She moved her hands up my under-thighs and I felt my body slipping back down her front, my shirt rising naturally from the pressure as her hands trailed up over the curve of my ass. I had nothing on underneath where she rubbed. I moaned as my feet returned to the ground awkwardly.

  “You’re hella sexy in the morning,” she said. I probably looked all kinds of sleepy with messed up hair and smeared makeup.

  “Get outta here,” I teased, taking a bundle of her hoodie fabric in my hand and tugging it toward me before pushing her back away and pretending to be done with her ways.

  “Yes ma’am,” she smiled cheekily.

  I walked back from her car and waited as she turned it on and drove off.

  On my way back in I gathered my clothes from last night and the blanket too. I stared down at the pool remembering. It took awhile for me to snap out of my daze.

  At breakfast we laughed a lot and I teased her. I had a lot of time to get ready since her practice was over an hour.

  We sat in my car for a while before she had class. I made her sit in the back so I could touch her more. In the end I mostly straddled her and kissed her every time I felt a need.

  I pet her a lot though, enjoyed her, made sure she knew.

  After she left I drove to the bookstore and set up shop in the Self-Help section. I pulled a chair over from the children’s section- since it was closest- and I drank my coffee while I took some notes. Occasionally, this weird man would come around, see me, and then leave. He was weirding me out but I wasn’t about to get lost this was my space, I’d claimed it.

  Before long, I’d drank too large iced coffees, eaten a plump oversized muffin, and taken pages upon pages of frustrating notes.

  Believe it or not, this helped me a lot more than those therapy sessions. I’d gotten so much information just from a couple of hours alone. My mind raced at all I took in.

  I checked my watch around 11 and realized it was time to meet mom.

  Olivia: The Inn?

  Mom: Sounds good!

  Olivia: I’ll go now, no rush.

  Mom: Now’s perfect. My last morning hearing adjourned early.

  Olivia: Okay. See you soon.

  I got there first. The courthouse was more on the outskirts of town all dressed up in pretty trees and large newish structures. They’d done a revamp a few years back. It had been all my mother talked about for some time between shitting on me and making fun of my dad’s stupid friends.

  “They put in the sidewalks today, you should come see.”

  I remembered her obsession with the new space and how excited she’d been.

  At The Inn, I asked for the table by the window. I didn’t want to sit in that booth where me and Avery had sat, that booth was ours now and it always would be. I could see it from where I was. Remembering us then, the way I felt, made me feel lovesick again.

  When I saw my mom I waved and a smile painted her face along with relief.

  She came over and sat down. We weren’t the hugging type, not usually. We’d done a lot of being affectionate lately but that was all surprisingly new. I wondered if it’d ever feel really right.

  “So, you’ve given up on school completely, I see.”

  “Not sure you can call it giving up if the cats in the bag,” I joked dryly. “Most normal people would’ve graduated early. My AA’s pretty much done you know, I just have to file my papers. You can’t exactly have an AA before you have a Diploma...” My mother, specifically, had been holding me up.

  “I know,” she said, feeling guilty as she tilted her head from left to right. “I just wanted you to have the normal high school experience.”

  “You always want things I don’t,” I half-joked.

  “Look what happened though,” she said. “If you’d graduated a year ahead, like you wanted, you’d never have met Avery.”

  My heart stuttered in my chest.

  She was very right.

  What a horrible thought.

  “You’re right.”

  “Oh-ho-ho,” she laughed, surprised at me.

  “What?”

  “You never say that,” she laughed, completely amused. “I guess I should call your therapist and thank her.”

  “My therapist did nothing,” I pressed, eyes wide with amusement.

  It was hard not to laugh when she was right though. I never did say that to her face. I held myself back from it because she was usually wrong.

  “Vivianne?” She asked, trying to remember the name.

  “Yes. Vivianne,” I said.

  The waitress came by and started to pour water. Pretty soon we had menus in our hands.

  “Why’d your therapist recommend her?” I asked.

  “Oh,” my mother smiled. I saw a flush come to her and I knew something was up.

  “Tell me,” I pushed, angry with her for keeping secrets again.

  “Vivianne is like you,” my mother teased, tilting her head just a bit as she drank some water.

  “Like me?! Like me how?! What are you talking about?” It was annoying when she played these games. She could easily just use words. What the hell was her problem?!

  “You know, dear. Like, you,” she looked me up and down and lifted her eyebrow with the suggestion.

  Sex.

  Sex...

  Sex.

  “Oh,” I said.

  Into girls… Interesting...

  “I don’t see why that would matter.”

  “A certain type of tolerance is helpful but having intimate details of what some things are like are more helpful than that.”

  “That’s true I guess,” I said, opening my menu and concentrating hard.

  I never looked at the menu at The Inn. Every time I did I was mad at myself because I knew it all by heart.

  “She was very pretty,” I said. “And I liked her office but she tried to bullshit me about the cat.”

  “What cat?!” My mother laughed darkly.

  “They had these cats in the office. The whole thing was a set-up to help you be calm. I’m no idiot,” I said, looking up at her. “When I went back to sit in Vivi’s office this cat followed me and came up on my lap…”

  “That sounds very nice,” my mother said. “I wish my therapist had cats.”

  “It was nice,” I said. “But then Vivianne tried to tell me this cat never sits on anyone’s lap. Like I can just believe that. Like I’m some stupid kid.”

  “You’re ridiculous Olivia,” my mother judged. “Not everything is a trick.”

  “Yeah but those cats are there for that sole purpose. To comfort. Why would the office have cats if the cats weren’t there for that?”

  “You’re right. Obviously. Vivianne is evil,” my mother teased. “Should I bring her in? Try her on the stand?”

  I sighed. It was annoying when she did this shit.

  “Nevermind,” I said, sitting back and feeling myself growing tense.

  “Hey,” she said. “I’m kidding.”

  “Yeah, well. I guess I haven’t really gotten used to that,” I said.

  We both grew quiet after that.

  The silence was everywhere for a little bit but then my mother spoke, her mood definitely changed.

  “What’s she like when it happens?” I could tell she was talking about Avery....

  I let out a heavy sigh and put my menu off to the side.

  “She’s scared,” I said. “Terrified.”

&nb
sp; I felt my arms crossing my chest as I hugged myself.

  “That must be hard to watch…” My mother’s face got a certain melancholy glaze.

  “It is,” I swallowed, trying not to get sad. “Sometimes she calls for me,” I said. “But she can’t see me, or more… She doesn’t know I’m real.”

  My mother’s hands slid across the table and opened. I stopped hugging myself and put my hands down into hers.

  “You can talk to me,” she said.

  “I know,” I said. “It’s just hard.”

  “I know,” she said, her hands squeezing mine.

  When the waitress came back we separated and ordered our meals. I finally got the salad I’d been daydreaming about and my mother ordered a thai-inspired dish that smelled delicious when it finally came.

  We talked for a while about the episodes. Mostly we talked about that one time when I had to pull Avery back out of it and how strange that all was.

  My mom learned a lot today about us. I wasn’t sure if that was right of me or not but in the moment it felt right to share.

  “So, Big Sur? You sure?”

  “Yes,” I smiled, relieved to be talking about anything else. There was only so much time I could dwell in real dark moments before going insane.

  “I have a few friends. Would you like to see pictures?”

  “Of course,” I sighed.

  “And what kind of ceremony would you want?”

  “I don’t really know,” I said. “This wedding is for Avery. And she says she doesn’t really care but of course she does.”

  “You two are strange. Why even get married if you’re not in it for the theatrics?!” It was another joke. Everything was with her.

  “I want her to know I mean what I say,” I said firmly.

  My mother gave me a certain flustered look.

  “No wonder she looks at you that way,” my mother said, keeping her eyes to the screen.

  “I was thinking of having the ceremony out on a cliff overlooking the ocean.”

  “I know the perfect place,” my mother said. “Tom and Jill have this huge house. It’ll be just right and they’re in New York now, it’s just sitting there.”

  “Really?”

  “Really,” she said. “I’ll take you if you want to see it first.”

  “Can we go now?”

  “Sure,” my mom laughed, surprised. “I can push a few hearings back. I rarely do that.”

  “We can go when it’s better for you,” I said, realizing. I was being selfish with her.

  “You never ask me for things Olivia. Do you not know that? Before Avery… You never asked.”

  I tried to hear the words but they hurt me.

  They were very true.

  How could she know what I wanted if I never told her and never asked?

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “No,” she laughed, shaking her head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t just know! That’s all I wanted. That’s why I’d buy you things and suggest those camps and do those things. I wanted to please you and I always failed.”

  “You didn’t,” I lied, tears springing to my eyes as I squinted to try and keep them in.

  “I did,” she said. “But we’re here now and you’re asking.”

  “Mom…” I didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s not the child’s job to take care of the parent,” my mother said.

  “I know,” I said. I felt uncomfortable though.

  “I don’t think I understood for a long time, how sensitive you were, really sensitive.”

  “We don’t have to-”

  “I’ll stop,” she said, cutting me off.

  “You don’t…” I stopped myself from speaking. “You don’t have to stop,” I said, reaching out and taking her hand.

  “Let's go to Big Sur,” she laughed, looking over at me.

  I laughed through tears.

  “Okay,” I said, really seeing her.

  Getting out of the restaurant was really necessary. Being face-to-face like that wasn’t something we were good at.

  In the car it was easier.

  I shot Avery a text about meeting Vivianne at 5:15 after practice. My mom got her the last minute appointment and I knew Big Sur would take a while but I really hoped I’d be back by the time Avery got out. Chances were slim, it was risky, but this was important and we didn’t have much time before her birthday. I wanted to have things already planned.

  We took the highway for a long time, dodging all the traffic since it was midday. I loved meandering drives. If I’d been with Avery I’d have wanted to do the 1 the whole way up. The PCH was breathtaking in all its little nooks, juts, and curves. I liked the part near us that was mostly low to the sea but at Big Sur the land rose and rose until you really did feel like you were hanging delicately along the side of the Earth, ready at any moment to just fall off the side and allow yourself to be swallowed up by that large ocean. That feeling was magnificent. I missed it sometimes and longed for it in others. When we finally approached the 1 again, coming in off the freeway, it was like a breath of fresh air.

  “You sure you don’t want a Solvang wedding?” My mom teased.

  “Oh yes, I can just see Avery in those little Dutch clogs,” I laughed. “She’d kill me.”

  “No she wouldn’t,” my mom teased.

  The car drove on down toward the sea and we followed the 1 down for miles upon miles. I rolled my window down and wished I was on the other side of the car.

  “Why don’t we live here?” I asked.

  “We would if your father didn’t have that demanding job,” my mother laughed.

  “I don’t see how it’s demanding. He can just hand it over to someone. Don’t you think you’ve both made enough?”

  “It’s not about making enough, it’s about doing enough.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your father worries that if he turns over his company someone else will use it to make money and run the damn thing into the ground.”

  That was likely. But I couldn’t see why he’d care. To me it seemed he was already wasting a lot of money and time.

  “His investors from the start, they knew him when he was young. He had ambitions then, goals. A lot of those still haven’t been achieved.”

  “Like what?” I asked. My mom and dad never talked about that. At least, not with me.

  “He’s like you, sweetie,” she laughed. “What are your goals right now? Didn’t you want to solve some sort of vaccine crisis? Something with diseases and mosquitos?” My mom never knew what I was talking about. “You know, something groundbreaking?”

  “Of course,” I laughed lightly. What self-respecting scientist doesn’t want those things?

  “Your father wanted to change the industry with his company and he has, he really has.”

  I couldn’t say much about that. He was one of many. Okay, not many but there were a lot of other people out there with companies like his and they were doing groundbreaking things too. He was the figurehead though, not the scientist. And a lot of other companies like his were less superficial. My father always took money from big business and pushed off more important projects for stupid crap that only really benefited those with the money in hand.

  “Your father holds back on important things because he wants to do them right. No margin for error.”

  “He’s kind of a shit,” I confessed. It was unrelated but I wanted to say it anyway. We never talked about Dad.

  “Yes,” she laughed. “I think he’s jealous of you.”

  “What?!” I scoffed. That’d be the day.

  “You’re young. Your mind is bright. You can do so many things,” she smiled. “I can see it sometimes. The way he watches you when you speak. He’s jealous.”

  “That’s crazy,” I said, wanting to push it away. Dad always looked at me like I was full of shit. The implication made me even madder at him.

  “It’s the truth. I know your father.”

  “Oh well,�
� I said. It didn’t matter. Like she said earlier, it wasn’t a child’s job to take care of a parent.