Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  She should be mad at me. I didn’t have any right.

  “I hate not knowing what you’re thinking,” she said, pushing her foot down harder on the gas. Her fingers tightened around the wheel for lack of a better thing to strangle.

  “I just told you what I was thinking.” I looked over and watched her try to hold back more tears. I was forever making her cry. “That it’s my fault.”

  “Nothing bad happened though really. I don’t know why you’re upset.”

  “I upset you. I made a stupid bet that involved you. I let Natalie kiss me and I-”

  This was exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it. I was about to talk about something I didn’t even know how to describe to her. I hunched my shoulders and kept my mouth shut tight.

  “I’m not upset though,” she cried. “At least, not about any of that. You didn’t do anything wrong. I know you love me, Avery.”

  She pulled the car through the gate and drove up near the guest house and parked.

  “Look,” she sighed troubled. I could see her playing with her nails and staring down at them. “I don’t want to make you talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. But I know you’re upset. You don’t have to pretend you’re not. We don’t have to talk. The last thing I want to do is make things worse...”

  She unbuckled carefully and slowly got out. I followed, meeting her around the front of the car.

  “I’m not upset about you kissing Natalie as much as how it made me feel and how Natalie kissing me made me feel. Okay? I just don’t know how to put it into words. I don’t want there to be this weird tension between us all night.”

  I needed to go to bed with a clear head. It might not be fully cooked but we did need to talk. Even if I made an idiot of myself all over again.

  “Are you mad at me about the bet?” I chewed my nail and looked at her.

  “Sweetie… I’m not mad at you about anything,” she sighed, already exhausted. “I’m just scared. I don’t know what you’re feeling right now but I know it’s not good.”

  “I saw you kiss Natalie and it affected me. That’s part of it. The other part was Natalie kissing me. And I guess Skylar getting mad at me didn’t help. I was already feeling insecure and she just hit that one little spot that made it worse when she was mad at you and Natalie for being physical with one another.”

  “So basically, I’ve been making you feel like shit all afternoon and you’ve said nothing until now…” She walked away from me, making her way inside.

  “Olivia!”

  I hated when she walked away. I ran to catch up and I followed her in, stopping her in the bedroom.

  “That’s what I mean. I didn’t want you to be upset about me being upset. It was stupid. I know you didn’t mean anything by it and that’s what I told Skylar. That you and Natalie were just close.”

  It wasn’t my fault that she didn’t believe me. I was still convinced that the residual energy between them would always be there.

  “You guys are just different. I need to be okay with it. It’s not you or Natalie that’s the problem.”

  All of the stupid, petty shit that I felt every time Natalie touched her wanted out. I wanted to scream it and make myself feel better but life was more about self-gratification and destruction.

  “You don’t need to be anything,” Olivia sighed, taking her shoes off and throwing off her clothes to change into something else. “If you’re not okay with us, we don’t have to hang out,” she said. “We didn’t even have to see each other today. That was the first time I’d seen her in person since I broke up with her. You’re acting like this is something you have to deal with all of the time. Things with Nat haven’t been the same as things with Skylar. I don’t think you realize how backwards this conversation even is. But, whatever. If it bothers you I don’t want to see Nat. She’ll understand and that’s an easy decision for me so it’s settled.”

  “No, it’s not. You’re not listening. I want you to hang out with her if you want to hang out with her. I don’t want to be THAT person. I’m not going to limit who you can and can’t see because I’ve got some stupid issues. I’m telling you how it made me feel because I’m ashamed of being jealous. You’ve been nothing but amazing and I can’t even put my own jealousy aside for a night so you can get closure.”

  I threw myself onto the bed. She was missing the point and it was making me even more frustrated because there was one more thing for me to feel bad about and one more thing to cause conflict between us.

  “I’m not listening…” She repeated almost hollowly. After that she was just silent. She walked off to the closet and put something else on. I wasn’t looking but I heard the door to the room open after that as she went out and laid down on the couch in the living room.

  I heard the implication in the words she hadn’t said. Was I not clear? Was I doomed to never be able to understand or make her understand me? I flopped back and sighed before using a little momentum to sit up and head out to the living room.

  “Babe. I’m not trying to negate what you’re saying. I’m just trying to say this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hang out with Natalie.”

  I sat down on the arm of the couch and smoothed one of my hands over her ankle.

  She pulled her legs up into her body and curled up silently.

  “What am I missing?”

  It was hard to make things right when I wasn’t sure what I did.

  Instead of speaking she turned her body the other way on the couch to better hide her face.

  “Nothing,” she said softly. She wouldn’t look at me now.

  “Yes, I am. You never pull away from me like that.”

  I moved my hand away but I slid off the arm of the couch to sit on the cushion beside her.

  “So, what is it? How did I fuck up this time?” I was just tired. There was no snap to the words. I was resigned to a constant string of wrongs.

  “I don’t want to fight,” she wept shakily.

  “We don’t have to fight.” I slid to the floor and crawled up to her head. “Hey, shhhh.”

  I cradled her face and swiped at the tears. “Baby, it’s okay. We’re not fighting.”

  She kept her eyes closed but seemed to calm a bit when I touched her

  “Hey,” I said. I wasn’t asking for her attention so much as trying to make her feel better. I kissed her cheek and smoothed her hair away. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  I moved my arms underneath her torso and lifted her so that I could swivel around and sit. I set her back down in my lap and pulled her into my body. Another day I was struggling to deserve her.

  “Do you want me to leave you alone?” I asked.

  I knew she probably didn’t but I had to ask.

  “No,” she breathed, not moving.

  “Okay,” I said.

  I felt sick. I just sat there and stroked her hair, holding her, hoping that it was helping in some way. Maybe if I did the opposite of everything I usually did we could have more than one good day. That horrible question nagged me again. Would Natalie have been better for her?

  “You looked cute playing air hockey,” I said.

  It happened to be true. There wasn’t an aspect of her that I found unattractive in some way.

  “I wanted to kiss you that whole time. I only really loved the part when you were kissing me,” she mumbled.

  “Yeah? Me too.”

  She was right. It was the only high point of the entire night.

  “Um, can I ask you something?” I ventured.

  She nodded her head yes without word.

  “Is it weird or bad that I got turned on when Natalie kissed me? Just a little and I blame it on that dream by the way.”

  I wanted to hide so she couldn’t see me. It had to be weird. I felt like I was cheating even thinking about it but I knew that was silly.

  She actually started to laugh. “Should I be worried?” She teased.

  That got me laughing but I was still a little awkward
.

  “No, nooooo. She’s just a good kisser is all. It was nothing like kissing you.”

  The feeling was different and it was an ember compared to the full on blaze that Olivia made in me.

  “I don't think that’s weird or bad,” she said solemnly. “I think it makes sense that you’ both be curious about each other.”

  “Okay, I just felt off about it and I wanted to tell you.”

  Her weight felt good on me. I loved holding her like this.

  “You’re the only one that really gets me going.” I let out a low laugh.

  “I know you’re in love with me, baby…” She was calm but definitely sad.

  “Yeah, but I like to tell you sometimes because it feels good to say it. So… there.”

  I bent a little so I could get close to her face. “I’m sorry I made you sad. I wish I had a magic power to take that away but I’m just me. No super powers except the innate ability to get myself into trouble.” I tried to smile and it came out like more of a downtrodden half smile.

  She reached her hand around, looking for mine. When she finally found it she held it in hers and pulled it close to her lips so she could kiss the back of it.

  I felt her lips on my skin and my smile grew a little. Without her I’d probably be falling apart right now. It was helpful to have someone else to look after right now. It made me put myself aside. If that backfired later so be it.

  “Do you want to go to bed or should we just stay here?”

  I was feeling exhausted. I knew I’d fall asleep either way.

  “Bed I guess,” she confessed, slowly moving off of me to stand.

  I stood up but I was quick to grab her hand and pass her and then grabbed her other hand and pulled her into me. She bounced slightly off my back and then I started walking forward. It was only a little awkward at first and then we got the hang of it till we ended up in front of the bed. I let go of her hands and fell, face first into the comforter.

  “Sorry, I can’t move. Just sleep on top of me.” I groaned.

  “You act like I won’t,” she joked. I felt her crawl over me though and take her usual spot on the bed, crawling in under the covers.

  “I know you could.” I gave up and crawled up beside her.

  She looked just as tired as I felt. “Maybe we just need some sleep.”

  I looked to her hopefully but she didn’t say anything. It was a little odd. I felt this quiet, strange sadness come over me and I knew it was what she was feeling.

  “Are you okay?” I hated asking it.

  She shrugged and curled into me.

  “Can I do anything?” I poked her side a little.

  “I just want to feel you,” she said. “When I talk I mess things up.”

  “You don’t mess things up.”

  I scooted over to her and pulled her into my body. Her legs tangled with mine and I sighed into her neck.

  “I do,” she said quietly. “I say the wrong things. I frustrate you without meaning to.”

  “I frustrate you just as much. Sometimes we just see things differently and that’s good. I think it’s where some of the fire comes from but you’re not responsible for me getting frustrated.”

  I moved my hand under the hem of her shirt and moved it up to her side and around to her back.

  “This whole thing was always going to end up weird and crazy, digging stuff up. What are you feeling?”

  “I’m just sad,” she said. “I didn’t want to make you feel bad. And you say it’s not my fault but it involves me so it is no matter what you say. Even Skylar was mad at me when she left. I could tell. And I’m scared to speak. Everything I said and did tonight just made things worse and I didn’t even mean for that. It just makes me feel stupid and careless.”

  “But you’re not careless and you’re certainly not stupid. Skylar wasn’t mad at you. Tonight was just weird and we were all a little tense and on edge at points. I shouldn’t have tried to combine everyone like that.”

  “I talked to her Avery… She was mad at me.”

  “Why was she mad? Was it the same thing she was griping at me about?”

  “She didn’t like the way I let Natalie touch me.”

  “That’s her problem not yours. Is it a little odd to someone who doesn’t know you two, yes. She was also trying to defend me. She had good intentions but it wasn’t right.”

  “She had good intentions…” Olivia repeated in certainty, her voice trailing off. She didn’t repeat or imply the second part. She never just said what she wanted me to know. She always made me hunt for it.

  “What?” I kissed her neck.

  “Do I need to pull it out of you,” I said. It was soft and loving.

  Her eyes fluttered to a close as she felt me and a smile slowly came to her lips, taking over. When I touched her she just felt it so much. “She had good intentions,” Olivia repeated, swallowing right after. Her smile instantly fell, sinking quickly into nonexistence. “If you both felt that something was wrong. Something was wrong. You’re always so quick to assume it’s just you. I could’ve been different. I could’ve stopped her touching me. I could’ve made sure there was no way for either of you to be bothered. I didn’t. I assumed it’d all be fine and normal. I was wrong. And when I think about it now I just feel like an idiot. I just thought it was normal. Or more like, I hoped… We’re just like little dogs out in the world. Every encounter is such an issue and I hate that. Sometimes I think I don’t have to be like that and things like this happen and I realize I was just delusional. Wishful thinking is dangerous I guess...” Her voice trailed off. “There are only a few people in this world I like touching me… It’s hard to say no.”

  “I get it but I know you and I know it’s not something you’re doing on purpose. Please don’t feel guilty over that. You guys hadn’t seen each other in forever and you were just being how you would if you’d ever gotten to do things like go on dates.”

  “The weirdest part is, she and I weren’t like that before. I wouldn’t let her be like that with me. We didn’t hold hands or touch like that in public. What happened tonight was all kind of new. I did like it though. It just felt normal. And that’s stupid. I should’ve just said no.”

  “It’s not stupid that you liked it. You guys never got to end things right. It’s hard not to touch you. Natalie loves you and I know what that’s like. I can’t imagine not being able to. It would hurt. At least she got to hang out with you like that for awhile and it wouldn’t bother me in the future. I just didn’t expect it. Sometimes I feel like a caveman, getting all jealous and possessive. I don’t want to be like that. It’s immature. I want to evolve.”

  “I just didn’t want to make things worse for anyone so I just tried to keep to myself and let people come to me. Nat came to me mostly. More than you. More than Skylar. I don't know what it looked like. I can’t really see myself from the outside like you can. All I know is when people talk to me I talk back. When people say nice things and do nice things I react. I’m just a real person,” she said. “And then I have these weird thoughts like maybe you want me to be mad at you. Like maybe when you’re mad about something and I’m not upset about something similar it means I’m not right for you. And I hate those thoughts because all I want is you. I would’ve loved if you were the one all over me back there. That’s all I wanted anyway. I just didn’t want to be rude. And then Nat was sad and I knew it was my fault. And then Skylar was mad and I knew it was my fault. And then you were sad and I knew it was my fault. Even when I try to do nothing at all I manage to fuck everything up.”

  “You didn’t fuck anything up. I was the one that arranged the whole thing.”

  The more we talked about it the more I felt like I was the one who created an untenable situation for her.

  “There was no way we were going to come out of that without some kind of upset. I’m just sorry you feel like you were to blame.”

  “I had a good time until I realized you were having a bad time. By then all
the damage was done.”

  “I feel like I could have worked it through mentally if Skylar hadn’t gotten ticked at me for not reacting. I’m not blaming her. I could have chosen to not rise to that. I just wish it had gone differently. I know how genuine you are and I love that. I feel so reactionary sometimes.”

  “The odd thing is Nat will always bow to you. I can tell,” Olivia explained. “That whole time Nat was trying to hang-out with all of us. She wasn’t trying to push anyone out or get you pissed off. She likes you. I can tell that she likes you. I kissed her because she wouldn't kiss me for fear of hurting your feelings or causing you to feel challenged. She didn’t have to say that. I could tell.”