Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  I can’t even control my thoughts right now, they’re so annoying and unfair.

  And she’s just floating, finding some peaceful place to escape to and I can’t do anything. If I do anything at all I’m an asshole. There’s no negating that, no denying. It’s just NOT fair and it can’t be.

  And I’m stuck.

  I’m stuck because I love her.

  For a long time I waited and watched her, saying nothing and just hoping she was okay.

  I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. What if I did and she drowned?

  She obviously wasn’t even inside her head right now.

  She resided somewhere else.

  I waited a long time before the air got too cool and I knew I couldn’t wait anymore.

  She’d actually freeze if I didn’t fetch her.

  Even from here I could tell her nipples were rock fucking hard.

  “Avery,” I said, trying. “Avery.” I tried more than once.

  Nothing but silence.

  I tried to splash her with the water. She didn’t care.

  I don’t know where she was but she wasn’t here.

  I tried not to cry again but I was shaky. She’d done a number on me. She’d proven to me that she wasn’t as stable as I thought she was. And that hurt me because it meant I had to be twice as stable, twice as sure. And I wasn’t great at that. I wasn’t great at being the strong one but she always needed me to be.

  I stood up straight and took a deep breath, trying to push it all down and be right for her.

  “Avery!” I said angrily. I was pissed now and trying not to be.

  My tone must’ve worked. Her eyes blinked and I watched as she came back to now and realized where she was.

  “What?” She asked, coming back.

  “You’ve been out here a long time,” I said, calming instantly. I had to be calm or else she wouldn’t come out. I just needed to get her out and if she made me go in there I would freak the fuck out, I just would. I didn’t want to freak out. I just wanted to sleep now. I just wanted this day to be done. She’d been pulling me around all day. She’d hurt me too much. I couldn’t get past it until she was asleep. I could feel that truth inside of my bones. I didn’t like feeling trapped.

  She said a few things and got out. I don’t think she knew how much time had passed and that scared me a lot.

  When we got back inside she seemed herself again. To me that only made it worse though. It wasn't fair that she could ping this way and that and I had to be the steady one. I was always trying to monitor her actions and go from there because I couldn’t just be myself and let my emotions out. If I did I’d cause big problems. She still didn’t get that. When I stopped talking it was always for a reason. Before, her words hurt me. I knew my response to her words would only cause more stress in her. There was no point in both of us being stressed. It was all pointless anyway. She had more feelings than I could fix tonight.

  I curled up in bed and turned away from her. It was hard not to feel cold and bitter.

  Her body against mine was freezing.

  I tried to get her to take a bath but I had no strength left to push. I held her against me since that was all I could afford to do.

  My own body was shivering. She was an ice cube against my skin. When her hand went up into my shirt it took all my power not to gasp out in shock. I wanted to shove her hand off of me but she was feeling a certain way. If I did that it would hurt her. I could never feel as cold outside as I felt within.

  When her words started coming I wanted not to listen but I could never shut her out. Then she started talking about how she deserved to be punished and that cut right through me in a way I couldn’t even describe.

  I felt so raw and spliced up in two.

  I had to fight between which person I was going to be.

  The night had been so wrong. Why? Why did it have to be this way?

  I felt the angry tears sting my eyes as I instantly turned and begged her to love me.

  Pretty soon she was riding me and I was inside of her, having to remind her again that I was nothing like him.

  When she finally came and stopped seeing me I felt the tears pouring out of my eyes. My body gave in too. I didn’t want to feel pleasure.

  It didn’t matter. Showing her was the most important thing.

  It didn’t matter.

  I held her to me and felt her laugh as I silently cried.

  The disconnect vibrated inside of me. We were like two independent sustained notes that kept clashing and refusing to connect or resolve. We were trying but we were powerless.

  I couldn’t be the one to tell her. For me it hadn’t worked. I couldn’t do that tonight. All afternoon I’d been trying for her. I couldn’t try anymore. I wanted to scream.

  I rubbed her back and held her to me, trying to quiet my disruptive thoughts.

  She felt so good against my body but I knew she was oblivious to my mind and that killed me inside...

  Not long after that I felt that she was sleeping.

  She was ontop of me, keeping me pinned. If I moved at all I would wake her. I moved my hand in hers and tried to feel her like she was awake but she wasn’t. Her hand was basically dead in mine. She wasn’t loving me.

  I was exhausted but sleep just felt cheap after everything. Sleep felt like a way of ignoring all that had gone on. I couldn’t ignore things now. I’d be hurting us both.

  I laid there a long time before venturing to move.

  When I finally came free I snuck out of the room, then out of the house, taking the path up to the treehouse in the dark with only my phone to light the way.

  My bare feet on the stone markers hurt but I didn’t care. I climbed up the ladder and went inside.

  Methodically I went right to the closet and pulled out a blanket, laying it down on the ground like I had done the last time I was there.

  I put a log into the fireplace and lit a long match, holding it inside until the paper caught fire and I knew it was ready to burn.

  In the night I laid down, remembering the sex Avery and I had in this spot right before she told me all about Ben’s methods. That night seemed so long ago. So many things seemed further away than they actually were.

  I wished I had more books to read. I would read them right now.

  I couldn’t really leave though. No bookstore would be open anyway.

  I could get my reader but that would involve going back into the space where Avery now slept.

  I settled down on my back and shut my eyes.

  The burning log smelt pleasant and I tried to imagine I was in the woods somewhere with her on some other day where we meshed well and traveled together, knew each other inside and out. That day could never be now.

  I realized I was absentmindedly spinning my ring. I’d been holding my breath.

  I let out a small gasp.

  My phone was in my hand and I had the flash of a thought. I could call Vivianne.

  But what for?

  There was no one I could call. I couldn’t even call Nat now. I’d fucked things up too much.

  I checked my phone anyway and noticed a message from Skylar.

  Skylar: So… Nat’s kind of the best thing to ever happen to me.

  “What?!” I laughed loudly, sitting up.

  I clicked on the little call button and waited, not caring how late it was.

  When she didn’t answer right away I let my body sink back down onto the blanket so I could rest.

  “Hello?” Skylar answered all confused.

  “Hey,” I sighed.

  “You never call me,” she noted instantly.

  “I never call anyone,” I said. I realized it was strange. Maybe I shouldn't have done it.

  “You sound sad… You okay?”

  “Not really,” I choked. Avery had certainly broke me today.

  “Aww…” Her voice sounded sweet. She was instantly sympathetic.

  “How was the strip club?” I asked, wanting a distraction, some
happy news.

  “We didn’t really make it that far,” she started laughing.

  “She fucked you in her car didn’t she?” I asked, knowing.

  “She did, yeah.”

  “And how was that?”

  “New,” Skylar huffed out sort of heavy.

  “Are you okay?”

  “What? Oh, yeah, I just hadn’t really done much of that.”

  “What? Sex?”

  “Yeah,” she laughed shyly. “I’d done stuff with guys before, tried it out. But that felt…”

  “Different,” I said, knowing.

  “Yeah,” she said. “Nat was really careful with me. I’d kinda pissed her off before and then we were kissing and touching and I think she realized right away I wasn’t as tough as I may have seemed.”

  “She’s really sweet,” I said, knowing. Secretly I wondered why Nat was doing it all. If it was some sort of twisted favor to me I didn’t need it. If it was stress relief that was cool. But what if she was just floundering, grasping at straws…

  That thought pinched the inside of my stomach and I tried to make it dissolve.

  “And good,” Skylar laughed.

  “Yup,” I sighed. “That too.”

  “So, how’s Avery?”

  “She’s sleeping,” I said. What else could I say? Avery wasn’t okay.

  “Oh… And you’re not?”

  “I’m too thinky,” I noted.

  “Uh-oh,” Skylar noted.

  “Yeah,” I said. She was right. It wasn’t good.

  “Avery seemed upset when I left.”

  “She was,” I confirmed.

  “Did you guys like… Talk?”

  “Kind of,” I confessed. “When I talked it upset her so I stopped talking…”

  “Olivia…”

  “What?” I asked, trying not to sound as pathetic as I felt.

  “She’s stronger than you think.”

  “I don't know if that’s true,” I mumbled sadly. I wished Skylar was with me. I wish she was here...

  “What happens when she gets upset?” She asked, snapping me out of my haze.

  “You’ve seen,” I reminded.

  “Oh…” She said, realizing.

  “When I got upset after you kissed her I wasn’t even upset about that kiss, I was upset about everything else.”

  “I know,” Skylar said. “You told me.”

  “She compared my kissing Nat today to that.”

  “What?” Skylar laughed awkwardly.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “But she even kissed Nat today.”

  “I know,” I said.

  “Are you mad about that?”

  “Not really,” I said. “She and Nat have been dancing around each other for months.”

  “Yeah but it’s still weird.”

  “I’m okay with weird,” I said. What I wasn’t okay with was actual betrayal: lies, secrets, and muddy waters.

  “Hmmm…” Skylar mused.

  “Hmmm…” I returned.

  “It’ll work itself out,” Skylar said.

  I felt myself laughing. She was about as helpful as Avery.

  “Stop,” she laughed back.

  “What are you doing right now?” I asked, changing the topic.

  “I can’t say. It’s embarrassing.”

  “How embarrassing?”

  “I’m re-watching Faking It.”

  “Okay, yeah,” I laughed. “That is definitely embarrassing.” That was a show about one girl falling in love with her best friend. The similarities couldn’t be more apt.

  As stupid as it was, I wished I was with her now watching it too.

  “You’re an asshole,” she grumbled.

  “I know,” I said, wondering when things could be easy again. “Anyway… I’m glad you had a good time.”

  “Sorry, I freaked out on you,” she said soberly.

  “I get that I should’ve been more aware about personal space,” I sighed.

  “No,” she said. “You were right. You’re exes and I don’t know what that’s like.”

  “I hurt Avery,” I said. “I was apparently careless.”

  “You’re just a person, Olivia,” Skylar said. “People make mistakes.”

  I didn’t like thinking I made mistakes.

  “Vi?” I heard her say. I must’ve been quiet too long.

  “I better sleep,” I said.

  “You should,” she laughed, relieved I hadn’t hung-up or something.

  “Keep me posted on the Nat drama.”

  “I will,” she laughed.

  “Night Sky…”

  “Night…” We both took too long to hang up the phone.

  I let it rest near me as I curled up on the floor in front of the fire and let sleep take me at last. The smell and sound of the crackling flames soothed me. The vision of Skylar and Nat appeased all the stormy thoughts in my head for a small time. I liked the idea of them finding comfort in one another. I understood what Avery wanted to see in them. I always did. It was just different, her version versus reality. What had happened was reality. It wasn’t bad. It was just complicated.

  When I woke up again it was still night. The fire was still going. I felt Avery’s body warm against mine and I sighed more content than before as I felt her pulling me into her tighter and sighing with her mouth right next to my ear.

  “You found me,” I whispered tenderly, completely taken by her. If I was trapped before, now I was being carried.

  I didn’t feel as fragmented now, no longer a lone sustained note. Right now we were nearly a soft love ballad with the way we spoke and moved- all about- and for- each other. I could feel her with me now, really with me and speaking without needing to. I wondered how long she’d been holding me. Neither of us could move alone or be alone. It was the complete opposite from before.

  What scared me most was knowing that before she thought we were like this and it wasn’t true. Was I that good at hiding myself? That good at making myself this shadow person who could only appease?

  I tried to erase those thoughts entirely but they remained inside of me like nasty little stains.

  Chapter 19

  Avery

  Nothing was okay. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that. I just didn’t know how to fix it. I felt evil, dirty and like I’d never get clean again. I could remember things now, things I’d blocked. Things I’d never be able to speak aloud. Truth: I didn’t know why I stayed. I know why in theory. Sometimes I feel like it isn’t true. I must have wanted it.

  Shit. I didn’t want my life to be about this. It should be about being happy and having Olivia. I was supposed to be past all of that stuff. I’d expected a relapse when the trial happened but not before.

  Olivia was not with me now. The fire had called to me. I knew when I walked outside and saw the glow in the trees. She had gone to her sanctuary. I hesitated to search her out because of why she had gone.

  We were different, so different, and yet, we were not separate. The decision was made and I climbed to find her asleep in front of the fire, a blanket covering her. I had to touch her. It made me feel real. The way she responded to me even in sleep solidified my existence. I crawled up beside her and drew her body to mine.

  When she stirred it made my heart beat a little faster. I didn’t want to wake her. I liked when I could watch her sleep. She was so calm and the innocence returned to her face.

  “You found me,” she said.

  “I’ll always find you.”

  Her presence was like a beacon. If I concentrated hard enough I knew I could always find her. The ghosts were always there, ready to attack but her light kept them back. Sometimes I felt like I was betraying her by not letting her believe I’d always be stable.

  “Thank you,” she said softly, her arms moving to touch mine and make sure I was holding her tight.

  “You shouldn’t thank me. I should thank you.”

  I pressed my face to her back and closed my eyes.