Becca's Baby

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  “Well, he did,” Janice said. “Although from one of the journals I got from the Montfords, she wasn’t all that eager for the wedding.”

  “She didn’t love him?” Sari was unhappy to hear that. She’d grown quite fond of the man during the weeks she’d been putting together the pieces of his life in Shelter Valley.

  “She loved him,” Janice said. “She just knew that the marriage wouldn’t be accepted, especially not in his society. The Montfords were one of the big Boston families. They were quite prominent and very wealthy.”

  “Then what was he doing out here?” Betty asked, taking notes furiously, in spite of the fact that Janice had her facts written down.

  Over-organized as usual, Betty was their team captain. She was compiling all the information and would be writing the actual biography that was going to be printed in a special edition of Shelter Valley’s newspaper. One of Becca’s friends would use Betty’s compilation to write a play about Montford’s life that was going to be performed—they hoped by Becca’s Save the Youth kids—during the Fourth of July celebration.

  “As I said, he married Clara, and brought her to the Montford mansion to live. But she was right. The family and their friends refused to accept her.” Janice was reciting by rote, not even looking down at the typed pages in front of her. “And when she got pregnant, the family and close friends really went through the roof. They couldn’t stand what they called ‘the dilution of Montford blood.”’

  “So he brought her out here?” Rose asked, completely attentive for once.

  “No.” Janice shook her head, glanced down at her page, then back up again. “Shortly after she had her baby, a little boy, she and the baby were attacked while out on a stroll. They both died.”

  “Oh, God,” Betty said, her pen suspended above the pad of paper.

  Sari had known something pretty bad must have driven Samuel out west. But she’d never guessed it was anything this heartbreaking.

  “His family did that to him?” Rose asked, shocked.

  Watching her, Sari was flooded with warmth, with love, for her sweet, zany, busybody mother. Regardless of her idiosyncrasies and preoccupations, family was everything to Rose.

  And because of her, it was everything to her daughters, as well.

  “According to his journal, Samuel couldn’t bring himself to believe that a Montford was responsible. He blamed their deaths on a society that just wasn’t ready for interracial marriage. But he was devastated by his family’s lack of grief or even sympathy for his loss. Only he and a few of his university friends attended the burials. That was the last day he wrote in that journal.”

  “No wonder he wanted to escape,” Sari murmured, linking the man she’d come to know with the story she’d just heard.

  Choked up, she felt the familiar grief slide over her and wished Becca was there to help pull her out. Sari could feel Samuel’s pain as though it was her own. She knew only too well how devastating it was to lose a child.

  Excusing herself, she made a beeline for the bathroom and a cold compress. She’d had enough history for one day. But unlike other days when the darkness was debilitating, it took only minutes for Sari to start feeling strong again. Strong enough to march out and tell her sisters that she had an appointment to keep and get herself out into the healing Arizona sunshine.

  They barely noticed her departure.

  She wasn’t coming to another Wednesday meeting without Becca.

  Whatever was bothering her absent sister would either come out tonight when Sari visited and called her on her lame excuse for missing lunch, or Sari was going to Will. Though no one else seemed to have a clue, she knew something was wrong with Becca. And that frightened her.

  AFTER HER SECOND physical exam in a week, Becca was beginning to feel as though her body wasn’t hers anymore. Pulling into the driveway on Wednesday evening, she couldn’t seem to work up any real steam over the loss.

  She’d seen her doctor, as Will had asked. Though Will didn’t know it yet, she also had another appointment at the clinic in Tucson on Friday.

  But for now, for tonight and tomorrow, she was a free woman. Free not to think about the problems facing her. The heartache could wait. She’d done all she could do until the end of the week.

  There was a note from Will on the refrigerator. He was grabbing something to eat at the university before his board meeting that evening. Becca was okay with that, too, especially since he’d barely spoken to her in the past week. Having the house to herself for one night would be a relief.

  Besides, Sari was coming over.

  Becca had already changed into a pair of jeans and T-shirt and had just popped a frozen dinner into the microwave when she heard Sari’s knock at the back door.

  “Just in time for cabbage rolls,” she greeted her younger sister.

  “You look good!” Sari said, sounding surprised. She kissed Becca’s cheek as she passed by.

  “I feel good,” Becca answered, amazing herself with the truth. After weeks of anguish, she’d called a truce. She wasn’t going to think about Will. She wasn’t going to think about the other problem facing her. She needed some distance, a complete break, or she’d fall apart.

  “You look wonderful!” Becca said, studying her sister for the first time. Sari had gotten her hair cut, short and sassy, the way she used to wear it. She was in jeans and a black angora sweater, loose enough to hide the fact that Sari had lost way too much weight.

  “I had my hair done this afternoon,” Sari said, shrugging. The microwave beeped and Sari followed Becca, peering over her sister’s shoulder.

  They decided together that the cabbage rolls were ready.

  “Mmm, they smell delicious,” Sari said, dipping her finger into the tomato sauce.

  “Have you had dinner?”

  “Yeah, but I can eat again. I left lunch before we ate today.”

  Instantly defensive on Sari’s behalf, Becca readied herself to say something scathing about whichever sister had been insensitive to Sari.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing happened,” Sari said. “Janice found some great stuff on Samuel Montford. But it was so sad I just needed to get out for a while.”

  “I’m sorry, Sar.”

  Sari shrugged. “It didn’t last long,” she said, then grinned. “And it gave me an excuse to cut out early on Mom. She wore that hideous flowered thing again. She was so busy telling Janice and Betty about some talk show she’d seen on TV I don’t think she even knew I left.”

  Becca believed her. Their mother loved them all dearly, but she was more than a little absent most of the time.

  “Are we going to eat that or just smell it to death?” Sari looked pointedly at the carton Becca still held.

  “Guess we’d better eat it. Want to grab some plates and forks?”

  Becca was glad to share her meal. Dinner was the hardest one to keep down, so the less she sent down in the first place, the better.

  “So where were you today?” Sari asked, helping herself to one of the cabbage rolls.

  “I had an appointment,” Becca said. It felt strange not confiding in Sari; they’d always told each other everything. But she knew Sari would anguish right along with her, and Sari didn’t need that. She was just starting to rejoin the world.

  Sari chewed, swallowed. “Same place you had an appointment last week?” she asked.

  Startled by the challenging tone in her sister’s voice, Becca stared at her, fork raised halfway to her mouth. It had been so long since she’d heard that tone she’d almost forgotten it.

  “No,” she said slowly.

  Sari took another bite. “Were both of your appointments in Phoenix?”

  “No.”

  “Where was the other one?”

  “Tucson. Why?” Becca asked, exasperated by all the questions, especially since she already felt uncomfortable about keeping something so important from her sister. But she was just a bit thrilled, too, that Sari was taking such an int
erest. She’d missed that so much these past two years, Sari’s interest.

  “Because I want to know what’s wrong.”

  Sari had finished her cabbage roll. Becca had barely started hers. Her stomach was roiling.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” Becca said, getting up to take their dishes to the sink.

  Following her, Sari dropped her hand over Becca’s on the faucet. “You forget I know you, Bec. You were vague last week and you even missed lunch today. That means something’s wrong.”

  Becca met Sari’s worried gaze and was tempted to spill it all right then and there. She’d needed Sari so desperately these past couple of weeks. Especially since Will had stopped talking to her.

  How could she reach her husband if he never gave her a chance to speak?

  And how long could this go on before permanent damage was done to their marriage?

  But as she looked at her sister—and saw the residual sadness lurking in Sari’s big brown eyes—she knew she couldn’t ask for Sari’s help.

  “I’m just busier than I expected with the city-council job,” she said, instead.

  “The funding, I know.” Sari nodded. She still held Becca’s hand captive. “But your eyes are telling me what your words won’t, Becca. Something’s wrong and I’m not leaving here until I find out what it is.”

  “Sari, I’m telling you—”

  “I’ll wait for Will to get home if I have to.”

  Shoulders sagging, Becca turned, put their plates in the dishwasher. “You have enough to deal with.”

  “Stop it!”

  Becca stared as her sister crossed back to the table and sat down. She couldn’t believe Sari had just yelled at her.

  “Stop what?” she asked.

  “Coddling me, treating me like I’m some kind of emotional invalid. I can’t stand it anymore.”

  “I don’t do that!” Becca might have felt hurt if she wasn’t so astonished. She joined Sari at the table.

  “Yeah,” Sari said softly, “you do.”

  Becca didn’t know what to say.

  “I’m not blaming you,” Sari said. “For a while there, I needed to be coddled. But I have to get back to living, Bec, or I may as well die.”

  “You are living! You’re on three of my committees.”

  “That’s existing, not living.” Sari’s expression was pleading and adamant at the same time. “I need to be able to contribute something meaningful if my life’s going to mean anything. I’m ready, Becca. I want to live again.”

  “Have you told Bob?” There’d been a time when Sari’s husband had been afraid he’d never have his wife back again.

  Becca had shared his fears.

  “We’ve talked,” Sari said. “He’s still skeptical, but I know I’m ready. I feel strong now.” She smiled. “I was so irritated at Mom today I wanted to scream.”

  With tears in her eyes, Becca took Sari’s hand. “Welcome back,” she whispered. And thanked God for what had just been returned to her.

  “So, you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Sari asked again, so gently Becca started to cry in earnest, but she was smiling through her tears.

  “I’ve missed you,” she said, pulling her sister around the table for a hug.

  But when they broke apart, Sari still had the look of a pit bull working on a side of beef. “Tell me what’s wrong, Bec. Maybe I can help.”

  Becca shook her head. “There’s nothing you can do. Nothing anyone can do.”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  “Don’t worry,” Becca said automatically. She’d been protecting Sari for a long time. It wasn’t a role she was comfortable relinquishing, no matter how badly she needed to do so. “Everything’s going to be fine. I promise.”

  Sari sank back into her chair. “Who’s sick?”

  “Nobody’s sick.” Becca sat down, too. For not being sick, she had a stomach that was sure giving a convincing imitation.

  Sari looked her directly in the eye. Becca held her ground.

  “What do you want to do while we wait for Will?” her sister finally asked.

  “Sari.” Becca drew out the name, begging her sister to let it go.

  “We could play cards. Or figure out what to do with that empty alcove in your foyer.”

  “We already decided to tile it, and don’t do this. You don’t want to know.”

  “Yeah.” Sari’s eyes filled. “I do. I want to help if I can.”

  The tears in her sister’s eyes were Becca’s undoing. “Oh, Sari, it’s all such a mess. Please just let me take care of things. Let me get…this out of my life.”

  Her own words made her cry again. How in hell was she ever going to do it?

  “What are you taking care of, Bec?”

  Becca sighed, shaking. “I’m pregnant.”

  Sari’s eyes lit up, and the sadness that had become part of her was, for a moment, completely erased.

  “Wait, I’m—” Becca stopped, unable to continue. Unable to kill that happiness in her sister’s eyes. The same happiness that, when wiped out of Will’s eyes, had been replaced with emptiness.

  Concern—and fear—lining her face, Sari leaned forward and placed her hands just above Becca’s lap. “There’s something wrong with the baby, isn’t there?”

  “I don’t know,” Becca shook her head. Attempted a smile. “It’s too early to be sure. So far, they think it’s okay, but…”

  “Then what—”

  “I can’t have it, Sari! I have to terminate the pregnancy.”

  “Have an abortion?”

  Becca didn’t know who’d been more horrified, Sari or Will. She only knew she’d never felt so isolated in her entire life. She didn’t bother answering her sister’s question. There was no need. And no point, either.

  “Why?” Sari asked.

  For the third time Becca listed all the reasons. Her age. The risk of birth defects. Her high blood pressure. The potential hormonal problems. The other health issues. After an entire week of hearing them in her mind every waking moment of every day, they were almost like old friends—or bitter enemies. They’d become as familiar as her own name. She hated them, these words, these reasons.

  “You said you went to two different places, one in Phoenix and one in Tucson,” Sari said when Becca fell silent. “I hope that means you got a second opinion.”

  Nodding, Becca tried to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat again. She had to be strong. Deal with this. Get through it so life could go on.

  Somehow it was going to have to go on.

  “And?”

  “Dr. Anderson knows how hard Will and I tried to get pregnant. She’d never have the heart to tell me I couldn’t have this baby.”

  “She would if she was certain your life or the life of your baby was in danger.”

  “She said there were risks.”

  “Insurmountable ones?”

  Becca didn’t want to think about it. Couldn’t handle the hope. Or the fear.

  “What did she say, Bec?”

  “That she’d have to watch me closely, but there was a chance I could deliver a healthy baby.”

  “What kind of chance?”

  “She said it’s too early to tell for sure, but right now, other than my blood pressure, things look fine.”

  “Is your blood pressure really high?” Sari was obviously worried. But she was handling this much better than Becca had expected.

  She shook her head. “No higher than usual. Not yet. But it could climb.”

  “Did she put you on medication?”

  “It wasn’t that high.”

  And dammit, the report had been enough to make Becca give herself these two days to dream. To wonder. To hope.

  Just a couple of days was all she wanted. A couple of days to pretend that after a lifetime of trying, she really was pregnant. To pretend that she really might be able to have the baby that was growing inside her.

  Just a couple of days.

  And then she’d consider doing w
hat Dr. Hall had insisted was her only choice.

  Thinking about that, Becca felt the nausea rising. She barely made it to the bathroom in time for her nightly ritual. But tonight, when her stomach was finished with its usual protest, she wasn’t alone to face the emptiness.

  A cold compress was pressed gently across the back of her neck. Then Sari wiped her mouth, her cheeks, her forehead. Sitting on the bathroom floor, Becca leaned into her sister’s ministrations, soaking up the care she’d needed so badly.

  “Whatever you decide to do, Bec, I’m with you, okay? I know you wouldn’t even think about terminating unless you had no other option. I mean, the doctor wouldn’t recommend it otherwise.”

  Becca nodded, feeling better than she had since she’d first suspected she might be pregnant. It felt so damn good to have someone else take care of her, even if only for a minute.

  She could hardly believe she was getting Sari back. She’d been too preoccupied to see that Sari was ready to come back, but now—besides the overwhelming regret at her own situation—she also felt a sense of relief.

  Sari rinsed the washcloth, hung it on the rack and slid down beside Becca. “How long do you have to make this decision?”

  “I made an appointment at the clinic in Tucson for Friday.”

  Before the words were even completely out of her mouth, Becca wished she could take them back.

  Will was standing in the bathroom doorway. She’d been so busy retching she hadn’t heard him come home.

  But there was no doubting what he’d just heard.

  And no mistaking the rejection she saw in his eyes.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “WE HAVE TO TALK.”

  Will turned as Becca walked into his home office late Wednesday night. Still in the shirt and slacks he’d worn to work that morning, he’d gone straight to his office after hearing Becca’s announcement from the bathroom doorway. It was long past midnight now. Sari must have left hours ago. He’d hoped Becca was in bed asleep, leaving him to stumble around the chaos of his feelings in peace.

  She looked lovely in the long white silk nightgown he’d bought her for Christmas the year before. As she stood there, perched on the brink of he knew not what, he had to admit she looked fragile, too.