Unliving Love
Page 20
Chapter 16
Entries
11/1/2007
I spent the last two nights online looking up more methods for contacting spirits. The top two ways I could find were through a psychic and with an Ouija board. The idea of a toy made by the same people who make monopoly being a gateway to another dimension seems highly unlikely to me. The roots of the board I understand, maybe an old fashioned one made by the right people could be useful but not one you’d get from Toys R Us.
After a bit more research I started to get into more technical things that approach the situation in a scientific manner which I have to say, is right up my alley. I have never been a spiritual guy, however, seeing what I’ve seen it’s hard to not wonder about it now but I am going to go about this like I’d do anything else regardless.
I found a website that sells all the different kinds of equipment. I used some of my savings to order a few things.
I ordered a digital recorder, they call it an EVP recorder which stands for electronic voice phenomenon but I say it’s just a high quality digital recorder. They are supposed to be able to record voices and sounds of spirits that we can’t hear with just our ears so we shall see. I figured I’d order it from there since a lot of the reviews for the stuff said how it worked well and they’ve caught more stuff on it than the other recorders they’ve tried. I do realize they could be false reviews but I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and not be so cynical. I also bought an EMP detector that detects electromagnetic fields, which according to lots of people spirits give off as they exert themselves. There were some other things but they were a bit pricier so I might order them later depending on how these things work. One of which is an infrared video recorder which I don’t see me getting but the other was an energy box. It gives off energy that a spirit is supposed to be able to borrow and make it easier to communicate. I had my stuff shipped express so it should be here in a few days just in time for the weekend.
I don’t want to go in with all kinds of equipment, last thing I want to do is spook her so she doesn’t show up. I hope once she sees that all I want to do is talk she’ll start trusting me and shows herself more. I just want to get to know her not turn her into some kind of project which is why I don’t see myself getting the video recorder.
I plan on making another attempt this weekend with or without my stuff here, obviously with it would be nice but either way and hopefully I’ll have some kind of results.
11/09/2007
I spent the night again last night. The equipment came that I ordered off of the internet, so I had them with me. I still need to go back and listen through the recorder. The EMF detector went off a good amount of times which is an anomaly in itself considering there is no power to the house. I didn’t see anything though so as of now the night wasn’t all that rewarding.
The night started off like there might be some good things happen but nope… When I got there like I said before, the EMF detector went off. It went off as soon as I stepped through the door then it stopped for a while. After I walked around the downstairs for about an hour I made my way up to the room that Mike and I saw her in. When I got around the wardrobe it started going off like crazy. I turned the digital recorder on then so maybe I got some stuff not sure yet. I had some odd feelings in that room too but that is hardly substantial evidence. I debated on opening the wardrobe but decided to let it be if it was hers I don’t want her to get angry at me for going through her stuff. She may very well be angry at me for trespassing in her home but that part is unavoidable. Then again it may not even be her home it’s hard to say anything at this point.
I walked around the room for a little and then decided to explore the upstairs some. As I walked around I noticed that there is an area of the house that you can’t get into. It’s almost as if the room was built then the rest of the rooms were built around it. No matter where I went everyplace that this room should be there was no door just wall. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’d love to get a set of the blueprints if that is even possible. It has my curiosity spiked. To top the creep factor off, every time I’d get near the area that the room should be, the EMF detector went off. As creepy as it seems there could be lots of explanations for this though so until I can figure out what for sure it is I can’t consider it paranormal just interesting and very creepy.
I am going to go listen to my recorder and I will update this entry after I am done.
Update
I listened to my digital recorder. First thing I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that if I record eight hours I have to listen to eight hours of recordings… Luckily I only recorded four hours, which still was a chore though. When I first started to listen to it I was excited at the possibilities but after the second hour of nothing I started to get tired. I fell asleep twice so I had to go back to the last point I remember and go from there. I didn’t get any voices only a few noises here and there nothing definitively a spirit. Next time I go I am going to try and be more interactive, do more talking maybe ask some questions or something.
I read somewhere that spirits will drain batteries from cameras and what not for the energy so I’m going to go out and buy a big pack of D cells and sit them up by the wardrobe. If that gets any kinds of results I’m going to order the energy device off of the net.
I’m not sure when my next attempt will be. I don’t want to wait till next weekend but with school during the week there’s not much choice. Vacation soon so that will be nice!
01/05/2008
I couldn’t wait till the weekend, last night I decided to spend a few hours in the old house. I actually ended up being in there a lot longer than I should have been and I am now grounded for the weekend which is going to make it difficult getting out to do another overnighter. I’ll have to figure something out between now and then.
I did exactly what I had planned. I bought a bunch of the big D cell batteries, two of the large packs actually. I grabbed my digital recorder and EMF detector and went over after we had dinner. I told my mom I had to go to Mike’s for a project. It was right before nightfall. I went straight upstairs to the room with the wardrobe I knew I didn’t have long so I decided to go straight there. I sat the batteries about a foot in front of the wardrobe and then sat down in the middle of the room. I sat there for about an hour and nothing happened. About half way through the second hour I saw her!
She appeared out of nowhere. She was in just about the exact same spot as she was when I first saw her. She appeared and then just stood there staring at me. She had a puzzled look on her face It was actually really cute. I wanted to say something to her but by the time I got my wits about me she was gone. It only lasted about eight or nine seconds so there wasn’t much time to do anything. I have to admit I feel like such an idiot. I was so shocked when she appeared that I just sat there staring and I’m sure, mouth gapping… I really hope I kept it shut I honestly don’t remember the only thing stuck in my head is her. She is just as beautiful as I remember.
She just stared at me the whole time. As far as I know not many people go in that house as many times as I have so I’m sure she is wondering what I’m doing there so much. If that is the case then she HAS been watching me.
I’m not sure if it was the batteries or if she just decided to show herself. One time could be a coincidence, so the only way to find out is do it again. I think though I am going to order the device that puts out the energy, if it was the batteries then maybe she could only last a few minutes do to the limited power of them. If that is the case then maybe the power box will allow her to appear for a longer period of time. Only time and more attempts will tell.
Update
I ordered the power box (Which is actually round) off of the website I found the other day. After ordering it, it occurred to me that I could test the batteries and see if they were drained. I bought two six packs and after testing all the batteries, they were still fully charged. I guess I should not be so quick to do something and le
t myself come to my senses. I still plan on using the power box (Still think that is such a stupid name. Guess it does sound better than a power circle or power cylinder) since I ordered it and it would be more of a hassle to send it back. Who knows it might actually help. It’s hard to say anything at this point all of my preconceived notions in this field have been tested lately. This is all new waters and it’s scary and exciting at the same time.
01/12/2008
I have two nights left on break and I spent last night in the house with little results. It was more of the same old stuff. I spent a little time in the room with the wardrobe but that didn’t pay off at all so I went and began to investigate the hidden room. I’ve looked into getting blueprints but with no luck. I’m honestly not even sure how to go about it. Went to a couple websites and nothing, think I’ll try going to the library and see if I have any luck there. I’ve looked at it from all the different rooms and even from where I thought it should be from downstairs and nothing. After a while of just looking around I went back upstairs and in one of the old bedrooms there was some of the drywall coming off so I started to peel it and got a small hole started. It was a small hole about the size of a pen and I tried to peek through but couldn’t see anything. I started getting a weird feeling though and I got very uncomfortable, so I decided to call it for the night. That was the only odd thing that happened I still haven’t seen her again.
03/17/2008
Lots of stuff to write about tonight. About both the room and her but I’ll start with the room since it’s going to take less time and leads into the second part anyways.
I took over a long screwdriver (it was the only thing I could find to use) and had planned to try and make the hole bigger that I started the other day. I went to the room I remember it being in and went to the spot I thought it was at but it wasn’t there. I looked all over the wall and nothing. I was sure I was in the right spot but decided to go look around the house in the other rooms that surrounded the hidden room. NOTHING! There wasn’t a spot wrong not even a chip out of the drywall, it was like a professional came into the house and patched it up. After I looked all around I went back into the original room and looked again but there was nothing. I can’t explain it. So with screwdriver in hand I decided that I was just going to make another hole, so I put it up to the wall started pressing but I was stopped. Stopped by her!
She appeared out of nowhere again which confirms my theory that she has been watching me while I am there. It startled me because I wasn’t expecting it and she appeared behind me so I didn’t see her until after she spoke. (YES SPOKE) “Don’t.” That’s when I dropped the screwdriver and about jumped out of my skin. I turned and there she was, as beautiful as ever and she spoke again. “He’ll get angry.” Once again I’m sure I looked like an idiot as I just stared at her. It figures I’d be more awkward with her than I am with living girls and I am very awkward with the living ones… She stood there staring back at me for what seemed like forever. I am pretty sure she was waiting for me to say something but of course like the putz I am, I never did. It wasn’t till after she disappeared that I thought of what I should have asked. First being who’ll get angry followed up by many other questions. Now though, I have to lie in bed with all of them racing through my head (bye bye sleep) and wait and hope I can ask them. If I keep standing there like an idiot I’m sure she’ll stop showing herself.
After she was gone I went into the room with the wardrobe and sat up the power box, turned it on, and took a seat. As expected though she never showed back up, but now I have some questions ready and thought out.
1)What’s your name?
2)Please tell me about yourself?
3)Who is he?
03/31/2008
There hasn’t really been a lot going on there. I’ve only been able to go over a couple times since the last time I saw her and I wasn’t even going to go last night but I am so glad I did. It was by far my best night there.
The night started off like most of the others I went there around nightfall and like usual I went to the room with the wardrobe and just walked around it. After about an hour of nothing happening I decided to venture around the rest of the house. When I turned to leave the room there she was in the door way. I didn’t even have time to speak and she was gone. She didn’t disappear as usual though she ran off. I went after her but when I got out into the hall and looked she was gone completely so I walked in the direction she went. There was a small room at the end of the hall, one I hadn’t spent a lot of time in. It was on the opposite side of the house than the hidden room, back past where the stairs meet the hall.
I remember peeking in but not really taking in the room. There were drawings all around the bottom of the room like it was a child’s room. They were faded but with the flashlight shined on them you could see them. There was one of an elephant under a large tree and a few of tigers (that’s what I saw anyways) chasing a zebra. They had to be a child’s drawings only explanation. I’m not sure when they were done but they look old. Makes me wonder who lived there at one point. I’ve spent all this time focusing on just communicating and it never occurred to me to look into the history of the house to maybe find some answers.
As I stepped into the room there she was off to the side staring at some of the drawings that weren’t visible from the doorway.
Her name is Emily. I finally know her name. She asked me why I was here and what I wanted. “You.” I told her. “To talk to you.” She wanted to know why and I didn’t have a great answer for her. She has been stuck in my head since I saw her that Halloween night, which she said she remembers. She asked about the friend I was with, asked why he wasn’t with me. I told her that he didn’t want to have anything to do with this place. “Most people don’t and neither should you.” she told me. I asked her why but she didn’t answer me. I asked if it was because of “Him”. I asked who he was but she didn’t speak anymore. She stood there staring at one of the little drawings on the wall and then a few second later she was gone. I looked at the drawing but I couldn’t make it out. I didn’t stay there long though.
I actually spoke to her this time. She answered too, which is the more exciting part. I even know her name now. Just her first name, so I still have a lot of things to ask and find out but it’s going to take some time. Time I am more than willing to put in. That wasn’t the end of it though. As I was making my way out of the house (figured that was all I was going to get) she appeared again downstairs this time near the entry room of the house. She told me that I should stop coming over, that it won’t be good for either of us if I didn’t. I’m not sure what she means I’m sure it has to do with “Him” though. She vanished again right after that. I’m not going to stop, don’t think I could if I wanted to. I have this urge to see her again to get to know her. I can’t quite explain it. I am going to ask around and see what I can find out about whom all has lived there in the past and see if there have been any kids who have passed away while living there. Maybe she’s a grieving mother unable to pass on.
I talked to Mike in school today I started to tell him about what had happened and he shut me down. Told me I’ve been watching too many scary movies and I’m getting obsessed, then hurried off to his next class. I get not wanting to come with me if that’s not your thing but he has been acting weird around me lately and I just don’t get it. I’ll see if he wants to hang out this weekend and maybe I can find out what’s going on.
Update
Looked into previous owners of the house and from what I’ve heard and seen there was a family with children that lived there about twenty-five years ago but didn’t stay too long. No child has ever died there, officially anyway. This isn’t documented stuff just some stuff I found out at the historical society. Apparently the house is on one of those list to be restored because it is so old. It’s hard to say exactly what all has happened in it. I know there was a fire there at some point but no details on it so I’m looking at a few other avenues to find out m
ore about its history.
05/12/2008
It’s been a little more than a month since I’ve seen or heard from Emily. I have been there around a dozen times anywhere between three to eight hours a night depending on the day. Weekends I usually spend the whole night there but that is about all I can spare with the amount of classes I’ve began to take. I decided to take the entry exams for premed early and I need to finish all my high school credits this year so I’m a little behind. This will be the end of my sophomore year and I’ve been taking extra classes all along but didn’t plan on taking the entry exams till after my junior year. After talking to my parents and the school counselor we decided there is no reason to wait. Mr. Harrington, the guidance counselor and my parents go way back. He is actually friends with the director of the school I’m applying to and he said that I could probably test out of some of the classes there and be done with premed in a couple years so then I’ll be ready to start Med school the same time I’d start normal college. They talked about me flying through med school but I don’t think I want to. It’s a lot of pressure to do things this way and I’m supposed to be enjoying my time right now and I’m not.
Mike is still acting distant. We don’t hang out as much as we used to, if at all actually. Emily has stopped showing up, and to top it all off I think I finally know who “He” is…
I was there last night and with it being my normal overnight visit, I had packed some stuff to make the night easier. I have a bag packed already that has a lantern, a small propane heater, flashlight, spare batteries, the EMF, and EVP devices. I just throw in some snacks and a drink or two before I go and I’m all set.
Well about an hour into it and nothing, just like it has been so I started looking over the area that I think there’s a hidden room at. I went back to the spot that I started that hole that had fixed itself. I decided to make a new one so I got out my screwdriver and the lantern to light the room up and after about ten minutes or so of doing it I started to get the weirdest feeling. It is already cold in there and I only use the little propane heater when I need it but it seemed like the room dropped to an arctic temperature. I didn’t have a way of measuring the actual temp but when the temp dropped I actually started to see my breath. It didn’t stop me though I kept digging and I finally got a hole all the way through. It was about the size of a nickel. I tried looking through but nothing. Then I dug out my flashlight and shined it through but it was like the light just hit a wall it couldn’t penetrate the darkness. That is when “He” got angry.
Out of nowhere I heard a door slam from down the hall. Startled, I dropped my flashlight and turned to face the door of the room. I decided I should get out so I started to make my way to the door but when I was a couple feet from it, it slammed shut. Luckily I wasn’t closer because as hard as the door slammed, had it hit me, it would have done some damage. I tried opening it but it wouldn’t budge. I yanked and yanked on it, even tried kicking it a few times but nothing worked. I started to get very worried and that’s when I started hearing a noise from behind me I looked back to see a man, a dark man with glowing red eyes and a handlebar mustache.
He looked like a man from another time and he looked like pure evil. He stood there staring at me as if he was thinking about what he was going to do to me. I honestly feared for my life. He began to slowly approach me I turned to try and get the door open but it wouldn’t budge. I tried to scream but the air in my lungs felt like it was slowly being sucked out of me. I couldn’t scream no matter how hard I tried. I started getting short of breath and I turned back to face him. I tried and tried to suck in air but I couldn’t it was as if he drained the entire room of oxygen. The lantern and flashlight that still lay on the ground where I dropped them went out and darkness took the room over. The only light I could see in the room was the streetlight from the outside that lit the window but didn’t penetrate into the room past that and his eyes, his red glowing eyes. I thought I was going to die at this point and then, I don’t know what happened. The eyes disappeared and the light from the window slowly began to penetrate back into the room, even the lantern and the flashlight began to flicker back to life. These were the last few things before the room went dark again and I fell face first to the floor.
When I came to the room was well lit from all the light sources and even the door stood wide opened. I should be dead right now. There is no explanation of why he stopped. The only thing I can think of is Emily had something to do with it. Needless to say when I was strong enough to stand I quickly gathered my stuff and left. I’m still shaking I’m not so sure I should go back there. There is still so much I wanted to do, to ask Emily but if he could do that to me what could he do to her in his own realm. I don’t know what to do and the worst part is I have no one to talk to about it.
05/15/2008
After my last experience in the old house I decided no more. I still don’t know why he stopped when he did, if it was just a warning or if Emily had something to do with it. I wanted to go back but decided that it was just too risky. I realize that I’m a dead man walking anyways but I’m not ready to go yet. There are still things I want to accomplish before that time comes.
I’ve tried to avoid the house at all lately. It’s actually a lot harder than I originally thought it would be to not go over. It wasn’t until two days ago that I walked by it for the first time since the incident. I walked by and when I looked up at one of the upper windows I saw her. My heart dropped straight to my feet and I knew then and there that I couldn’t stay away so against my better judgment I decided to go back last night.
I stayed away from the hidden room area completely. I didn’t even go into the room with the wardrobe, this time I went straight for the little room with the drawings.
It wasn’t long before she showed up. She asked if I was ok and it turns out she did have something to do with me still being alive. I didn’t ask much about the man because I didn’t want to scare her off so I asked questions about her. We talked for at least two hours, I asked questions about her and she asked them about me. Turns out she has been just as curious about me as I have been about her. She said she watched me night after night as I walked around the house and when I asked her why she didn’t show herself. “I didn’t know what you wanted. There are ways to hurt our kind.” She said. I know her name is Amelia Craft she started to go by Emily when her little sister couldn’t pronounce Amelia. I didn’t dare ask how she died or about a child that stuff is hers and if she decides one day to share, it’s her choice. (Though according to the research I’ve managed to do no child has ever passed away there) I asked about her family after she brought up her little sister. She had a little sister and an older brother but she didn’t get into details about them. It being our first time to really talk to each other I wasn’t pushing things. She asked about me and my family, and about my friends. I told her about school and my friendship with Mike and how it felt like it was slowly fading. She was so easy to talk to, almost like we had known each other for years. As much as I tried avoiding the topic of “Him” I did ask if she was ok and if my coming by would put her in danger “It’ll be fine.” she assured me. I’m not so sure I believe her though. I don’t know if I could do anything to help her even if she told me anything other than that anyway. “Just stay away from the room, that’s his room and the outskirts of the house were safer so we should stick to them.” she said. After she said that I’m pretty sure I lit up like an idiot because with the last few words I knew she wanted me to come back. I really hope she couldn’t see my face well in the darkness of the room because I’m sure I was blushing like an idiot. I guess it’s just surprising that someone so interesting would want me to come back.
It was at that point that she told me she had to go and how it takes a lot of energy to stay in the physical realm. Question after question filled my head at that point and when I told her, she let me know we could talk about it all later. She vanished a few seconds after that. I stayed there for a fe
w minutes then left myself. I’m not sure anyone would believe me if I told them about it. I know Mike wouldn’t. Maybe I can get him to come along so he can see for himself.
Here is a little info I found out about who I think “He” is. After lots of digging I found out that a man by the name of Warren Montgomery lived there. He was a very wealthy business man and was almost single handedly responsible for this town booming and becoming as big as it is. He actually had the house built to his design and there apparently were only two people who ever saw the completed blueprints. The house was constructed section by section and he even went as far as having one crew build a certain section and then he’d bring in a new one for the next and he did this till it was complete. He was very eccentric and was known to be a drunk and a womanizer. There were other rumors but nothing to back them. One was he was part of some kind of cult or secret organization. I do wonder if he had anything to do with the fire. That seems to be around the time he lived there but he isn’t mentioned in the article I found nor were any deaths. After I drew a little sketch of the house just from recollection of the room placement I would put money on there being a pretty decent sized hidden room there. It’s hard to say but the way he built the house yells hidden room for sure. I have to admit I want to know what’s in there but I told Emily I’d stick to the outskirts of the house so that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m not sure when I’ll be going back over, I hope soon for sure. I never got to ask if she can absorb power from around her to make it easier to stay longer. If she can then the power box I bought will come in handy. I think I will take it over next time regardless. That and the heater it gets cold in there and even though she makes me feel all warm on the inside I get very cold on the outside.
06/04/2008
Things are still going very well with Emily. It turns out she can use external energy so I decided to make my own power supply. The ones I ordered online just aren’t working to my liking; they get drained way too fast. Batteries are just not cutting it they do not offer a sustainable power source for her to make it easier to stay in the physical realm. I don’t think it would be practical for me to take a gas powered generator in there it might look odd. Who knows who has seen me going in and out of the old house as it is. I have thought about trying to convert an old propane heater into a sort of basic generator. There are a few things about it online so I’ve been going over the best way to do it. It seems like it’s the only way outside of turning the power on there, which I don’t think I can do since I don’t own the house. I’ll get it all figured out though.
It’s amazing how we can sit around and just talk about nothing. We talk about me, school, taking some summer classes, and problems with my parents or with friends, mainly the lack and loss of friends. I’d consider Mike and I acquaintances more than friends as of late. I have never been this comfortable around anyone before. It’s made me really have to sit down and think about our relationship and how I feel about her. It’s confusing to be honest if she was a girl from my grade then I’d easily say that I was in love but she’s a spirit… Does that matter? I know she can feel she has emotions “She” is there, her soul, her essence is there so does her lacking a physical body matter? Where could this relationship lead obviously we can’t get married and have children (well maybe we can get married I’d have to look into that) not to mention she was twenty-one when she died and here I am seventeen granted I’ll be eighteen in less than a year but still. The idea is strange enough add the fact that she’s twenty-one… What a mess I’ve gotten myself in… Once again I find myself alone with no one to talk to about it. I don’t know what to do about everything. I could try to talk to Mike. Maybe if I tell him that I really need to talk maybe he’ll listen but how much longer after I say “Oh hey Mike how are you, oh by the way you know that spirit I talk to all the time? Yeah that one, I think I’m in love with her. What are your thoughts on the matter?” will the conversation last. What choice do I have he’s really the only friend I have that I could even talk to about this? I wonder if there are online chat rooms for this. If there are though what kind of people would be in it? How often does this happen? I can’t imagine it’s very common. I can just imagine the amount of crazy people out of the hundred people in there I can only see a handful at most being legit cases. I don’t think I have much choice I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised…
I wondered why me for a while. Why I could see her and feel so close to her but in our conversation one night I mentioned that I was sick. She asked how sick, and when I told her that I was pretty much dying she explained to me how that has a lot to do with it. When you are dying you teeter in both realms and that makes you more prone to have contact with the other side. So that explains why I saw her so clearly. Maybe that is why Mike is having issues with how I’ve been acting maybe he only saw a shape or a mist and doesn’t believe we actually saw her. I can see that but why he doesn’t believe me I can’t figure out. I guess it would be hard to believe. Only time will tell if things get better or worse between us. I’ll talk to him tomorrow at school some time. It’s Friday and our last day of the school year.
06/05/2008
Talked to Mike today and it went about as well as I was expecting. I have to give it to him though he did listen to me. I told him I really needed to talk to him and he was there for me so he still cares at least. After I told him about everything he sat in silence for a while. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking then he finally took a deep breath and said. “Wes I really think you have something wrong with you. I think you should see someone.” So he was no help with the situation but he does care and that does mean something. I guess I’m just trying to see it from both sides. How would I be if the shoes were on the other feet? I can’t really say. If it wasn’t happening to me, would I believe it? Considering how rooted I was in science I’m not sure I would. I asked him what he saw on Halloween night and he told me he wasn’t really sure he didn’t think he actually saw anything but was more of an in the moment kind of thing. I was there though, I remember his face, I know he saw something. Mike thinks I’m crazy and I need help and I am still confused as I ever was. Guess there is only one thing left to do… Talk to Emily
06/15/2008
Well I have been over there two out of the last three nights with the intention of just coming out and telling her how I feel. The first night didn’t go quite according to plan though.
I went there like normal just before nightfall. I stopped taking most of my stuff. I don’t see a need for it anymore. I have no need for the EVP because we flat out talk to each other and the EMF detector isn’t needed because she doesn’t exactly hide the fact that she is around. Anyway… I went there and went to the little room which is where we spend most of our time together now. Occasionally we will stay downstairs. It took her longer to come out than it normally does and she seemed somewhat concerned and distracted. She told me that “He” was angry and was a lot more powerful than she was and how she has spent a long time trying to keep him confined in his room but he’s getting stronger and it gets harder and harder. I can’t help but feel it is my fault! I angered him because I’ve been coming around. She assured me that it isn’t my fault but I think she is just being kind. We called it an early night because she was feeling weak. I told her I’d come back in a couple days so she could regain some of her strength.
Two nights later when I went back and she was feeling better. The night started much more like a normal night. She met me downstairs this time though, which I have to say I like better anyways. It’s further away from “Him”. The night started off like most normal nights she asked me how my day was and I told her about talking to Mike (left out what it was about at first) and how that went. When she did ask what I talked about I got quiet at first. It took me a little bit but I eventually got it out. “I think I am in love with you… No… I know I am in love with you.” I told her. She got quiet then if she could have blushed I am sure she would h
ave. She never really said much just that she doesn’t know what to say and then a little later she vanished. Not a word, just vanished.
Now I don’t know what is going on. It doesn’t seem that she feels the same way which I am ok with but what I’m not ok with is if it is going to change things between us. Of course it is going to… How could it not? Maybe Mike is right. Maybe I do need help… Now do I go back or do I wait a while? What on earth made me think that things were just going to work out and be fine? Hell, real women don’t want anything to do with me so why the hell would she?
06/27/2008
I hadn’t gone back over for a while. I just couldn’t bring myself to go I was going to a few times I even got as far as the back door (which is my usual entrance) then stopped and turned and left. I just wasn’t ready to face her.
She came here! I didn’t even know she could do that. It was very brief she can’t do it for extended periods of time but she apparently can go other places. There has to be a connection of some kind though. The further she goes the harder it is. She came while I was in bed I felt something and rolled over and she was standing there. She was just standing there looking at me.
SHE LOVES ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me she knew she did but when I told her how I felt she was excited and angry at the same time. She wants me to be with someone real, someone I could have a family with someday, someone with a heartbeat. I told her that I don’t want anyone else and that she makes me feel more alive than anyone with a heartbeat ever could. She smiled then she told me she had to go but asked me to come over in a couple days. I told her I would and I couldn’t wait.
I don’t know where things are going to go. It’s only a matter of time before I die anyways. The meds aren’t helping that much and every time I go for a checkup it’s a little worse so I’m dead anyway. It’s only a matter when now. I can’t have kids there is too strong of a chance they would be sick too, not to mention whoever I had them with would contract it too. I’m definitely not missing out on anything and even if I wasn’t sick I wouldn’t care I can’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else but her. We were meant to be together… We are supposed to be together! I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.