Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  Do my fucking job? - How dare he - “Fuck you Dex! I knew this - us - would take some work, but damned if I will put up with this shit. I don’t except to know your secrets or what’s going on, but I also won’t be in the firing line either.”

  “Well don’t then, I’m not forcing you to do anything,” he says, walking off.

  “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” I yell, but he has already gone. His mood has to be something to do with Amanda, considering Sam and Sarah were just here. I’m happy to help him through his dark days, but I won’t be his verbal punching bag; It’s not like I don’t have enough shit in my own baggage, I don’t take that out on him. Looks like Dex and I will need to have another little chat later to sort out what we both want from this, because I’m not the type of girl to fall at a man’s feet and let him treat me however he wants, this girl will fight back – and fight hard.

  It has been eerily quiet. I haven’t heard from Dex all day, but I’m really not surprised; he really didn’t want a relationship and maybe I pushed him. Shit, listen to me, I don’t chase after men or sit around for days crying and eating ice cream, I’m going to enjoy myself tonight. Oliver & I push past Jash and his entourage of women into Paulie’s. It’s already packed and I’m guessing most of the crowd is here to see Dex and the rest of the band since they don’t play very often anymore now that they all have day jobs, and playing has always been for fun. Paulie practically had to beg them to take the time slot, he wanted them on for the New Year’s count down; but Rayne, the lead singer, wanted to be home with his wife and new baby. Oliver elects to go to the bar for our drinks, there’s no point in both of us fighting the crowd and making our way to the bar. I intend to get some seats and I spot everyone at our usual table. Glancing around, I instantly see red when I see Dex has some bimbo hanging off of him. Geez, if he wanted to end our relationship, this is a sure way to do it.

  When I get angry I’m not a rational person, and I can almost feel the steam coming from my ears as I barge my way through the crowd towards him and the rest of the gang. The girl on his lap knows I mean business when I zone in on her. I see the fear in her eyes even though she doesn’t move from his lap.

  Everyone else at the table is oblivious and deep into their own conversation. Out of nowhere Sam blocks my way to the table. “Why don’t you just get the hint and leave him alone?” She says, crossing her arms.

  “Why don’t you just move out of my way and mind your business?” I retort back.

  “You have done enough already today, don’t you think?”

  Seriously, I have no idea what she is even talking about, everything was fine until he got to work.

  “I haven’t done a damn thing!” I storm back at her.

  “Does he look fine to you?” She questions me, holding out her arm in his direction.

  “Have you ever thought his not being fine is all on him and not me? If you don’t move out of my way, I will move you myself.” I say, giving her my best fuck you smile.

  “Is there a problem here babe?” Dex says walking up beside me. Is he serious right now? Not even two seconds ago he had some tart all over him and now I’m babe?

  “Babe?” I scoff, “that’s rich considering you just had someone crawling all over your lap. I don’t know what stupid, childish game you’re playing, but I’m not interested.”

  “Give him a break, it’s a hard day today.” Sam interjects.

  Dex gives her a look that says shut up, and it’s like they just had a silent conversation.

  “See, that’s the problem; everyone knows what’s going on with you - except fucking me!! You don’t want to let me in, but then you expect me to sit around and wait until you sort this mess out in your head? I get it; you were dealt a shit hand. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this unless you’re willing to actually fucking try shar……” I don’t get to finish what I was saying because Sam pushes me, and I vaguely hear her say something about Amanda and her memory before I push her back, I see her fist as it swings at me. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure if she even saw my right hook before it connected with her face.

  Immediately I’m lifted off the ground and moved away from Sam. When I calm down a bit, I notice Morris has grabbed Sam and Dex is holding me. Everyone is staring at us and obviously we have made a spectacle of ourselves – just great. As I glance around I see Jash laughing - of course he would find this amusing, but my brother Ty doesn’t look as impressed.

  “Put me down and get your hands off me,” I say to Dex who still has his arms wrapped securely around me, “I’m fine.”

  He puts me down and I take my beer from Oliver, who is just standing there in stunned amazement. I skull the beer until there is nothing left. I’m actually surprised security hasn’t come to kick us out yet, so I turn to Oliver and say, “You coming with me, because I’m leaving?” Oliver nods and Jash yells out he’s coming too.

  “Leave with him, and we are done.” Dex growls in my ear.

  “We were done the minute you decided I wasn’t enough for you to let me in on what was up today; but assumed I was good enough to treat as your emotional punching bag.” I turn and walk away with Oliver and Jash behind me. I want to scream, because I had really hoped we could have worked it out. But Dex still has to find himself and who he is, and if he is prepared to love again.

  “Ruby, wait up.” Ty calls out.

  “Please not now, I really don’t need to hear your ‘I told you so’s’ or more lectures on ‘how Ruby has fucked things up again’. Because that wasn’t me.” I gesture to the scene inside, “But don’t worry brother, I am certainly not running this time and honestly, I will even play nice, just for you.”

  “Will you shut up for a minute and give me a hug, I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He cuts me off.

  I am shocked he is actually not pissed at me, so I give Ty a hug and tell him to stay and party with his friends. I also say the girl he has been chasing is here and she is over in the left corner. I notice Jash has disappeared. Oliver suggests we go to the club, he has V.I.P access and which doesn’t surprise me either. He calls a taxi and Jash appears out of nowhere again with pre made shots and a six pack of rum. “Thought you might need some travellers for the road,” he says, handing me a shot. I peel the lid off and down it all. I feel the burn in my throat and it’s a welcomed sensation, because my night of fun has turned into a night of getting totally messed up.

  “Bad news, the wait for a taxi is about two hours.” Oliver says, walking back over to us. “Damn New Year’s Eve.”

  “How about we go back in and have some fun, we will just ignore them all. Dex and the rest of the band are now on stage, and I doubt Sam will cause any more trouble and risk getting kicked out.” Jash says.

  After finishing our travellers, we head back inside and find a table in the back, away from where Sam is sitting. The band has started playing; and I can feel Dex’s eyes on me - watching my every move. I try to sneak a look at him, but our eyes meet and I feel a pang of something in my stomach. Guilt over how I reacted? I’m actually not sure, because I stand by what I said. I really like Dex, he has made me feel things I haven’t for a really long time, and he gets me. But the man I saw today was not someone I can risk being around long term. I can’t become that girl; the one who falls at a man’s feet and does whatever he wants, regardless of how he treats her. If you let someone treat you a certain way and let them get away with it - I believe they will always treat you that way, because they know they can.

  Jash already has his entourage of girls at the table and Oliver has bought a round of drinks. A few of the girls look star struck that Oliver Fontaine is sitting at the same table as them. Jash, the player he is, uses this to his advantage which makes me laugh.

  Plopping into the chair next to me Ty puts his head on my shoulder. “Is something wrong with my face?” He asks sadly.

  “Well, since you asked; your lips are a little full for a guy and your damn eye lashes would make most
women jealous. I would question your nose though, it’s a little on the big side.” I tease.

  “It is not.” He says, touching his nose.

  “I’m kidding, there is nothing is wrong with your face.”

  “Well then why won’t she go out with me? I work hard for these abs, I have a stable job, it doesn’t pay much but I hold my own - so it has to be my face,” he pitifully whines. I can see Oliver is holding back a smile and Jash is too preoccupied to even notice drunken Ty.

  “Who won’t go out with you?” I ask, and he points to the girl I spoke to awhile back. “Maybe you’re just not her type - not all girls like the hot, nerdy guy look.”

  “I am not nerdy.” He complains.

  “I said hot nerdy, there’s a difference as we women see hotness on many different levels.”

  “So what kind of hot am I?” Jash asks, gees of course he caught that part of the conversation.

  “You are player hot Jash; women can sense you’re an easy lay.” I return.

  “What? I’m damn sexy as hell thank you, what about Oliver?”

  “A few levels above you Jash, he is rich playboy hot, an easy lay for the rich versions of your women” I say, and Oliver looks a bit offended.

  “Don’t worry Ollie, I know there is substance under that pretty face.” I say pinching both his cheeks.

  They point out other guys in the bar and make me rate what kind of hot they are. Ty gets a bit grossed out when they ask what category Dex fits into and I reply with Sex On Legs, then add he also falls into the tattooed, bad boy hot. I tell them not to try and understand women’s logic, because it can change on a woman to woman basis, and what we define in those categories.

  “Women! You’re all despicable. Rating men’s hotness and you go into detail about sex and dicks with your besties.” Ty complains.

  “Don’t act like men don’t brag to their friends.” I say, eyeing them all.

  “We brag about getting laid in general, but we don’t sit around comparing notes.” Jash mutters.

  The night goes by so fast, before I know it the band has finished and I have almost forgotten about Dex and our fight; that is until I looked over at the stage to see him walking off and sitting with Sam at the table up the front.

  “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure it will all blow over and you two will make up.” Oliver says.

  “I’m not so sure about that.” I say, cringing, then excusing myself to go to the toilet. Just great, Sam is standing at the sink washing her hands when I walk in, so I try my best to ignore her.

  “Ruby,” she says, as I’m about to close the stall door.

  “I don’t want to fight with you Sam; we don’t get along, let’s leave it at that.”

  “I wanted to say I’m sorry, I can see how much he likes you and that scares me; it’s like if he is with you, he will forget about Amanda and if he can forget her, then what if I do, too?” Damn it, she is drunk and crying. I don’t deal with girls and crying.

  “I never wanted him to forget her, I told him I would help him keep her memory alive, she was his wife and his best friend. But he has to find himself before I can be anything to him.”

  “I’m sorry,” she sobs.

  “I’m sure you won’t feel that way tomorrow.” I say scornfully, and quickly shut the door. What the fuck was that all about, I’m a little bit shocked and confused even; if Dex and I are not together, maybe Sam won’t want to rip my throat out every time we see each other. Only time will tell - she might not even remember our little chat tomorrow. Sam is gone once I’m done, thank god, because I couldn’t handle more crying. Dex is leaning against the wall as I walk out, and as I try to walk past him, he steps out in front of me, blocking my exit.

  “What now?” I ask impatiently.

  “I’m sorry about today,”

  “Don’t apologise to me Dex. I don’t do I’m sorrys; because if you were truly sorry, you would never have done it in the first place.”

  “Let me explain,” he tries again.

  “No! I can’t let you try to explain again, because you just really need to go and have a honest look at your life - and what you want out of it, Dex. Every time you are having a bad day you tend to self-destruct, and I cannot stick around and watch that happen, nor will I be your verbal punching bag. Look, I can still help and support you, just not as your girlfriend right now. You need to sort your life out without influence, mainly because you have a beautiful daughter who needs you to be her constant. And because you are slowly self-destructing, in a big way. You are currently fighting a losing battle in your mind over moving on with me, and loving Amanda. It’s not like if you care for me you will stop loving her; but it is a continuation; and I certainly don’t ever expect you not to love her or continue to miss her. You need to want to move forward with me, and that isn’t right now. As much as it hurts me to walk away, I don’t have any other choice.” I don’t say anything else just slide my hand from his and power walk all the way to my table, taking some rapid breaths in so I don’t cry.

  For the first time in my life I have done the right thing, not just done what is best for me. I hope Dex understands why it has to be this way. We can still be friends; I need him in my life, he’s good for me. It’s not very often you meet someone who gets you, and when you do it’s a nice feeling.

  For the first time in what feels like forever, I wake up and I really don’t dread the day ahead. I also have not forgotten and then have that moment of panic, when I remember everything that has happened. Rolling over, Ruby is gone. I slide out of bed and go look for the woman who has started to changed my life, I never imagined I would get to a place where I can accept my grief; and there she is, standing in my kitchen in my shirt. Ruby is making coffee and the sight does something to me, it makes my dick twitch; Shit, down boy, you should be worn out after last night. I stand back and enjoy watching her try and find her way around the kitchen.

  When I unpacked I just put everything in cupboards or where they would fit, I can see now maybe there should be a system. She slides the draws open. The one place I did put things in the right place, and she pulls out some photos. I watch her as she flicks through them and she stops at one and laughs.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask, curious as to what she is laughing at; she almost jumps a mile into the air, I really didn’t mean to scare her. She shows me a picture of me as a teenager. I really was a dork back then, no wonder people called me Point Dexter. She laughs again and makes a comment about how vanilla I was, I’ll show her how vanilla I am now. She doesn’t bite to my advances, she wants coffee so we sit and talk over coffee; it’s pretty great having someone to talk to. She asks about my tattoos and I tell her why after Amanda died I needed to feel the physical pain; it was the only way to not feel on the inside. Her reasons are so different from mine; she hides behind hers, out of fear people will see she isn’t all badass. I could see that from the day we met. We have a shower, of course that got hot and heavy; sex with Ruby is always hot. She likes it rough, and I’m finding I like it more and more.

  After Ruby leaves for work I have to go feed Winnie’s damn cat, I hate the stupid thing and it hates me - I swear it wants to rip me to pieces; it’s that fucking crazy. Opening Winnie’s front door I try to be as quiet as I can. That way I can get in, and change the litter, box, feed it, and get out without it seeing it. I see Snow Ball - yep very original I know - sitting in the corner, looking like an innocent fluffy marshmallow, but trust me he is anything but. He just sits are stares me out.

  “Stay in your corner you fluffy shit, I will feed you and everything will be cool with us.” I say, and the damn thing hisses at me. I keep an eye on him while I change his litter and get his food down, once I’m far enough away he darts over to his food. Locking the door I pull it shut behind me. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket; I must have forgotten to turn the volume on this morning.

  “Yo,” I say.

  “What sort of way is that to answer a telephone, Theodore?” I hea
r the strident tones of my father’s voice. Shit, I should have known better than to answer a private number.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?” I ask.

  “I’m your father, can I not call my son just to say hello?”

  “You don’t usually,” I snap. I swear he only calls to get on my nerves, it has to at least be a year since his last phone call. I bet Winnie has forced him into it.

  “I’m a busy man,” he moans. I need to change the subject before this gets worse.

  “Is mum behaving herself and not spoiling Harlow too much?”

  “I will tell you the same thing I told your sister, we have to spoil her, she is the only grandchild we are likely to get. She may have been born out of sin, but that’s not her fault is it? Between you and your sister - Harlow is the closest she will get to having a child, lucky for her,” I don’t let him finish before I see red.

  “Lucky for her what, my wife was killed by a drunk driver? Lucky my daughter will never get to meet her mother? Tell me why she is lucky…..” he is silent for a second and maybe he feels some guilt for what comes out of his mouth, but I keep going while I can actually get a word in because it doesn’t happen often. “….lesbian, Winnie is lesbian. And guess what old man? She can have a damn baby of her own if she wanted to, there isn’t a shortage of sperm in the world. You know, as lovely as our yearly chats are, I have to go - but before I do, my name is DEX.”

  “Well Theodore, let’s hope you do things the right way with this new girl. Your sister has told me about her. Hey, maybe if you don’t live a life of sin…” I don’t wait for him to finish what he has to say, I hang up - that man is infuriating, my phone starts vibrating again.

  “WHAT?” I snap down the phone.

  “Who pissed in your cornflakes?”

  “What do you want Sam, I’m busy.”

  “I wanted to ask if it was still okay if Sarah & I to get our tattoos this morning.” I feel the blood rush from my face and my stomach sinks. NOOOOO……. it can’t be today.