Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Out with it,” he says putting down his fork.

  “Out with what?” I say with an innocent smile.

  “Don’t play dumb.”

  “Fine, I really want to go to the concert, I promise I won’t go anywhere near the mosh pit.”

  “Well good thing that came today.” he says pointing to the box I picked up from downstairs earlier. I squeal like a little girl and jump-up a bit too quickly. I don’t let on that it hurt like a son of a bitch, and eagerly open the box and pull out two back stage passes.

  “I may have even organised to have a few drinks with the band before their show,” he says casually.

  I may have told him he would be my best friend for life and let’s hope he doesn’t tell Jash I said it, because I will deny it.

  “You’re the best!” I say.

  “It’s the least I can do, you have been mopping around here for weeks now, and I almost feel sorry for you.” He says.

  “I have not been moping.” I state, petulantly clearing the table.

  “Please! You really have been, Ruby. And if you stopped being so stubborn and just called Dex, at least you would know where you stand.”

  “It’s not like that, I know where I stand and I’m not out to be hurt again; I might act all tough, but he was the first guy I have trusted and opened up to. And for all the good it did me, because he just didn’t care.”

  He drops the subject of Dex after that and the rest of the night is spent watching more damn movies and eating chocolates he has stolen from his dad at work today. I’m really grateful Oliver has been so good to me. Everyone thinks he is only nice to me because I’m pretty much the only woman to ever knock him back and he wants in my pants. It’s partly true, but I know we are also friends and I make an awesome wing woman. I have told him I’m okay with him bringing his “dates” here, but he refuses; saying he never brings his one night stands to his house. Dex would say Mr Fancy Pants has too much money and it’s the only reason he gets so much pussy. It appeals to me Dex got jealous of Oliver, it made me feel special. But I should have realised having feelings for him would ultimately lead to this heartache. But I miss the asshole; I actually thought we could do a relationship, guess I was wrong.

  Looking in the mirror at the bruises now barely visible, it still makes my stomach churn. I get that sinking feeling when I remember that night, especially the feeling of being totally helpless. Pushing those memories aside is now my priority, because I am not letting this bad experience ruin my life; David scarred me once before and I refuse to let that happen again. Sam made me take out a restraining order against him and he now can’t come near me. I’m not sure it would entirely stop him, but hopefully it’s enough to keep him away, at least for now.

  Today has gone so slow. You know when you have been waiting for something and then the day arrives and then a minute feels like an hour? That’s me. The concert is tonight and I’m ready to go so I decide to go hurry Oliver up. Knocking on his door he yells out come in and I push the door open to find him standing around in his boxer briefs. Stunned and slightly turned on, my eyes wander up and down his body; he has a pretty face, but hot damn his body is hot - he has great abs and the most perfect snail trail; not too hairy, but just right.

  “You know, I’m happy for you to try before you buy.” He says, as my eyes venture up from his package to his face.

  “I’m sure you are! I was born with eyes and you let me come in while you were dressed like that, so I will ogle your body all I want.” I say.

  “I can take these off too, if you need more,” he says jokingly, pointing to his boxers.

  “Oh damn, look at the time, we need to go.” I say, tapping my imaginary watch. Oliver laughs as he pulls up his trousers. Looking around, I’m thinking I really should have pulled the sympathy card and made him let me sleep in his room, it’s massive and no way one person needs this much room, his bed could sleep ten people.

  Oliver goes all out with a limo; he insists it’s all for show, since he is always working when it comes to music. We pull up at the restaurant, I was expecting something fancy but it looks more like an elegant pub. Oliver greets the hostess and she takes us to our table. The guys from the Black Diamond have already arrived and I’m about two seconds from going all out fan girl - but I manage to control the urge. I look around the table as we approach, they are all there; Eddie, Mickki Rose, Benny, Brodie and Drew. Drew is secretly my favourite. They all stand to shake hands with Oliver, and he introduces me to them all.

  “So this is the famous Ruby we keep hearing so much about?” Eddie says. “She must have a golden pussy - looks like I’m going to have to tap that later.” This makes me laugh; Eddie is known to be a jackass, so it didn’t surprise me at all.

  “Ignore him, he is a dick.” Drew says, as I turn to Eddie.

  “I don’t need to sleep with you Eddie, I already know I would be the best you ever had, so it would really just be a waste of my time. Especially when I know I would be highly disappointed afterwards.” I say holding up my pinky, “That attitude is obviously over compensating for something, right?” I tease. All the guys laugh and tease Eddie.

  “I think I’m in love; will you marry me?” Eddie says.

  “Sure why not, I seem to attract jackasses.” I say.

  We have an awesome dinner, the guys have been great and Eddie plans our imaginary wedding all night. The entire band rides over to the concert venue with us. They go to set up and Oliver takes me to watch behind the scene and what goes into setting up. Once the stadium is filled and the supporting band has finished, I get excited; I have never seen Black Diamond live, but have always wanted to; and meeting them has been amazing.

  I sing along to all their songs and even Oliver joins in. He’s lucky my ribs are still pretty sore or I would be right up the front, amongst all the people in the mosh pit. The night has come to an end and they finish playing the last song when Mickki asks who wants more; I think Oliver is now deaf after my screams and whistles.

  “Thanks everyone for coming out tonight, since you all want more we have a special request. Now it’s not one of our own songs, but this one goes out to you Ruby, from someone,” he pauses dramatically, “someone who didn’t know what he had until he lost it, and you were gone. Far away By Nickleback, everyone enjoy.” Mickki says.

  “See golden pussy; don’t forget about me.” Eddie says into the mic, and slants a wink my way. When Mickki introduced the song by saying that it was dedicated to me, I know the song is from Dex. Wow, he has to be here - but how? The tickets were sold out within an hour of going on sale, as I look over at Oliver, he just smiles and shrugs. Stunned, I listen to the words in the song and can hear his apology so clearly. Laying all his feelings out for me and once the song is over I have tears slowly making their way down my cheeks, a hush goes over the crowd and I can see someone walking onto the stage - it can’t be - it is, its Dex.

  Standing at the hospital doors as they open and close in front of me. My legs feel like they were covered in cement. I can’t breathe; it feels like every part of my body is being suffocated and I don’t know what has happened to Ruby. Jash didn’t say much on the phone except there had been an accident. I know she is in there somewhere and I need to be in there to make sure she is okay. I’ve broken out in a cold sweat; the last time the woman I loved came through these doors, she didn’t come out alive. What happens if I go in and she isn’t okay - I don’t think I could survive it.

  Now I am transfixed on the doorway with fleeting thoughts of feeling like a mime and there is an invisible wall in front of me and I can’t push through it. Everyone else entering the hospital walks straight past me, but I’m stuck here, paralysed. My heart is sinking into my chest and I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes; this has me dropping to my knees, I know I must look crazy but I don’t care. The reality of my life all hits me at once, I lost my angel, my daughter has been raised by my sister and now I might lose the one person who gets me, because I’m crip
pled with fear. My belief is that if I go inside, I will lose her; that somehow my presence will be the turning point that something bad will happen to her and I really need her whole. She makes me feel whole having her in my life, she completely fills that empty void.

  Just then, hospital security asks me if I’m okay. So I wipe my eyes and pick myself up, I can’t be the reason I lose her and if she is better off without me, then I need to let her go. She has plenty of people who love her, so I head home; and really where else do I have to go?

  Throwing my keys on coffee table, I sink into the couch and start flicking channels finding something interesting to watch. Frustrated, I switch the TV to mute and pick up the picture of Amanda from the coffee table. Have you ever loved someone so much it consumes you, that every breath you take is for them, every beat of your heart? That was my love for Amanda. But here I sit looking at my beautiful wife, and all I can think about is Ruby; her attitude, her temper, the way her touch sets fire to my skin. Her being in an accident is my worst nightmare come alive again, I can’t go through it again and she is better off if I keep my distance. My phone keeps vibrating and I have missed calls from Jash and even Ty, I can’t answer them, I won’t be able to keep myself together if she isn’t okay.

  Leaving the phone vibrating, I head out back to the shed where I have my drums set up, I desperately need to get out of my head and it’s the only way I know how to do that. Rayne has us practicing a couple of Shinedown songs. I start with Call Me and roll on to Breaking Inside and that’s what I am right now; so totally broken inside. What did I ever do that was so fucking bad to deserve this kind of pain? The bad luck just keeps on following me and contaminating everyone who is around me. Fuck love and the pain it causes, fuck everything. I start playing anything, whatever comes to my head and keep playing until I can feel the burn in my fingers and the sweat running down my face. Something catches my eye and I see Robbie leaning against the garage door, I know this look, it’s a get your head out of your ass right now look.

  “Don’t start please, I already know I fucked up, but I’m okay.” I say, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

  “You don’t look okay.” She says, still not moving from the garage door.

  “Different day, different problem,” I say, moving past her and walking towards the house.

  “Whatever it is - forget it, because Harlow is inside and staying here for the night. Winnie is emotionally drained and needs to rest due to your asshole of a father. You have added a shitload of stress about you going back to that dark place again and it has wiped her out.”

  “Shit, I didn’t even think.” I say, feeling bad he was on my case and Winnie’s, then I go MIA on her.

  “That’s your problem, you don’t think. We get it, we really do, but it’s time to take control of your life again, spiralling every time you face an issue isn’t the way to deal with it.”

  “I hear you, I really do. How did you get so wise in your old age anyway?”

  “I’ll give you old you shit, I’m only thirty.” She comments as she punches my shoulder and slaps me in the head. Back inside, I find Winnie and Harlow sitting on the couch, watching the cartoon channel.

  “Daddy!” Harlow beams when she notices I’m standing behind her, Winnie gives me a weak half smile.

  “My little Humming Bird, I’ve missed you.” I say as she jumps into my arms.

  “I missed you, too.” She says pulling me into a tight hug, her little arms wrapped around my neck.

  “You two go home, we will be fine, I promise. It’s Harlow and Daddy time and tomorrow we can go to the park and maybe make some pink glitter playdoh.”

  “I will call you tomorrow but this time, answer your phone.” Winnie says. Harlow gives them both a kiss and they leave.

  Harlow and I set up a movie and it appears Aladdin is today’s choice of movie; I must remember one day when Sam and Morris have kids, I will have to give these back. They have bought Harlow so many Disney movies and we don’t watch one and then watch another one. Oh no, we watch the same one for days and days on end, until I can sing almost every song on the damn movie. Harlow falls asleep quickly, but she had insisted on watching the movie in my room and I’m glad, I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.

  I wake up in a panic when I hear Harlow squeal. I instantly look around and see her sitting at the end of the bed, watching Aladdin again.

  “What’s wrong, are you okay?”

  “It’s k dad, he walked off the ledge, but the magic carpet saved him.” I had seriously thought something was wrong, I slide out of bed and Harlow follows behind me asking a million and one questions. “What day is it daddy? What are we doing today? Can we have pikelets for breakfast?” Can I wear my princess dress?” I need coffee, stat; my brain needs time to wake up before I can face a barrage of questions.

  Sustained with some coffee in my system, while Harlow colours; three year olds are so easily pleased. I heat up a couple of pikelets and put butter and Vegemite on them; I don’t mind Vegemite, but Harlow has it on everything - it’s kind of gross. I take my coffee back to the bathroom and finish my preparations for the day.

  “Okay bye.” Harlow says, as I walk back into the lounge room.

  “Who were you talking too?” I ask, thinking maybe Winnie called to check up on me.

  “Some guy, he made me laugh.”

  “What was his name?” I ask.

  “Ash” she says takes a bite of her pikelets and goes back to colouring. He won’t stop calling me, but I’m not ready to deal with him yet. I don’t need to explain myself to him, he couldn’t remotely understand what I’m feeling.

  The day flies by and I’m knackered, I’m ashamed to say my almost four year old can out do her old man; she rode her bike to the park and we played for nearly two hours, then made pink glitter playdoh, had an inside picnic and now she is colouring in my tattoos with markers, Winnie will be here shortly and I have to go look at a new car. I’m over not having a car to take Harlow places, and have been saving every spare cent I have to be able to afford something nice.

  “Daddy?” Harlow says, looking up at me with her big eyes.

  “Yes baby.”

  “When are we getting a new mommy?” She innocently asks.

  “You already have a mommy baby, she is in heaven with the angels.”

  “I think we need a new mommy now,” she says solemnly.

  How do you explain this to a child she only gets one mommy and hers isn’t coming back. I didn’t think she would ask these questions so young since she has always had Winnie and Robbie around. Thank god Winnie comes through the door before I can get asked anymore questions I don’t know how to answer, Robbie follows in after her.

  “Can we talk outside?” Winnie asks and walks back outside. I’m sure I’m about to get a talking to about being more responsible and I deserve it with the way I acted this week.

  “Before you get pissed at me, I’m sorry for how I acted this week and I’m sorry I scared you, you didn’t deserve that.”

  “I am pissed, but why didn’t you tell me Ruby was in hospital?” she asks.

  “How do you know she is in hospital?” I ask ignoring her question.

  “Sam, and she also tells me you have not gone to see her, and have been avoiding everyone’s calls.”

  “I can’t go see her, so just drop it.”

  “No I won’t just drop it, you were happy, I haven’t seen that look in your eyes in years, I had my brother back.”

  “I can’t Winnie, my legs wouldn’t walk through the doors. And what if I walked through those doors and the same thing that happened to Amanda, happened to her. I need her to just be okay. Did Sam tell you if she was okay?”

  “Dex, she is fine, but why would the same thing that happen to Amanda happen to Ruby? Amanda was in a car accident and Ruby was beaten. Sam said she has a few fractured ribs and her face is pretty messed up, they have the guy in custody, but the other guy didn’t hit her so they have let him go for now.”
>
  She wasn’t in a car accident, when Jash said accident I automatically assumed. “Who hurt her?” I ask, needing to know.

  “That kid Joe, his father. And a guy named David.”

  “Shit! I need to go.” I say, running inside to get my helmet and keys. That asshole was near her again, and I was a selfish jerk and didn’t even go in and see her. I doubt she will even want to see me anyway, but I have to go and make sure she is okay, the last time he was near her she went into shock. I kiss Harlow goodbye and race to the hospital. This time I ran straight through the doors, the fear of David touching her outweighs any fear I have of walking through those doors. I’m out of breath by the time I get to the reception desk, the lady tells me Ruby discharged herself a day early - I’m too late. Disappointed, I take the elevators down to the ground floor and manage to get myself lost. So I exit out of the nearest door and that’s when I see them, Ruby and Oliver. I go to walk over to them when I see her lean towards him, actually leaning in to kiss him. Shit I can’t watch this, so I turn and walk back inside; it’s my own fault, as I have pushed her into his open arms. How could I be so stupid?

  Having feelings for her has scared me so much I unintentionally pushed her away into the arms of another man, and it hurts more knowing it was him. Maybe she’s better off, he might be a notorious playboy who hops from one bed to another, but you would have to be blind not to see the way he looks at her. Hopefully he won’t be as stupid as I have been and blow it. I find myself at Paulie’s, it’s Sunday and he has an open mic night, a good place to get out all the anger that’s building up inside me. Jash and Ty are here with a flock of woman hoovering all over them. Maybe that’s what I need, a hot chick to take my mind off her. Jash has a round of shots on the table and I walk over and down half of them and take one of the beers, I assuming it was for the chick sitting on his lap.