Nothing Is Predictable

by Adalina Mae

  We finished our meal, I thanked him for meeting me, he didn’t reply. I stood up and leant across and kissed him on the cheek and pressed my forehead against his forehead, as we used to do, and then I stroked his face and walked away without looking back. He remained seated at the table without saying a word.

  When I think back, I cannot believe how I could have been so cruel. I made him feel the same way he’d made me feel when he’d left me to go to England. If his pain was even a fraction of what I’d endured, then I cannot fathom how he managed to heal. Perhaps it was his karma to endure the same torment and pain as I had.

  Although my behavior seemed cruel, I didn’t despise him, I just felt there was too much sorrow lingering around us, too much damage for our love to mend. Besides, I’d had a failed marriage with a Muslim and I didn’t think marrying another one was prudent at the time.

  At the same time, I didn’t understand why it was so hard for us to be together. Why there were always obstacles in the way of us uniting freely. Why didn’t the universe align so we could be together, instead of constantly driving us apart and heartlessly sabotaging our love?

  I didn’t see Jamal during the remainder of my trip. He was so broken-hearted and dejected to have gone so far in search of me only to find me and discover it was impossible for us to be together.

  Chapter 20

  Summertime ends

  Lebanon 1993

  After spending a memorable summer with my friends in Lebanon, just what I needed to mend my heart, I began to miss my family, especially my nieces and nephews. By then, there were nine of them. My brother’s eldest son, Jordan, was my weakness. His nickname was JoJo and he was around four years old at the time.

  One day, I rang my brother’s house and JoJo answered the phone. “Hello? Who ith dith?” his tiny lisping voice was adorable.

  “Hello, my gorgeous boy, it’s Aunty Zara, how is my darling?”

  “Aunty Thawa, Aunty Thawa! Mom, it’s Aunty Thawa linging.”

  “Haha! You’re so cute! Yes, it’s Aunty Thawa on the phone.” I laughed at his endearing mispronunciation.

  “Come over our place?” he asked me.

  “Oh sweetie, I can’t come now, I’m overseas in Lebanon. I’m not in LA but I miss you so much, my little prince.”

  “If you miss someone you should come back and see them Aunty Thawa.”

  As soon as he said that, I began to cry and realized just how much I missed him and my whole family. I promised JoJo I would be back soon and I would go and see him straightaway. I finished the conversation with my sister-in-law and assured her I would be leaving Lebanon within a couple of weeks.

  The night before I returned to America in November 1993, my friends took me out for a farewell dinner. I walked in and greeted everyone, noticing a handsome man sitting among our friends who I had never met before. His name was Sebastian. He had dark hair, big brown eyes, lashes that extended lusciously, and a sexy smile that instantly drew me to him. From our initial introductory handshake, it was lust at first sight for both of us.

  I was in trouble. I was leaving for America the following day. Damn!

  “Really? Are you frickin’ kidding me?” I muttered to the friend who introduced us. “I’ve been in Lebanon for most of the year and I meet him now, the night before I leave?”

  As selfish as my behavior may have been, I couldn’t separate myself from him that night. We danced, laughed, and talked until the early hours of the morning. He was charming, and he had class and perfect manners. My friends were happy to see me enjoying myself with him. At the same time, they were concerned that it was the only night I could be with him before my departure to America.

  Our night together ended with the plan to meet for lunch before I left for the airport. My flight was at midnight, so I had plenty of time to rest, pack, and spend the day with him. He was perfect; classy, gorgeous, from an affluent family, and…guess what...a Christian. Finally! And to think this would all come to an end in just a few hours’ time.

  I wanted to cancel my trip back to America but it was too late and my family wouldn’t have appreciated it. Anyway, we’d only just met so I thought it was best to say goodbye and stay in touch by phone. If we were meant to be together, I would return to Lebanon to be with him. It would be a good test to see if what we felt went beyond lust. As we bid each other goodbye, we hugged with deep affection and couldn’t let go of each other. I was sad the whole trip back to the States.

  Arriving home, it was a joy to see my family, especially my beloved nephews and nieces. I loved them as if they were my own.

  A few months after I returned to the States, my divorce papers arrived. I had forgotten about my life with Tariq and about what had happened. Even the memory of Jamal was fading slightly. But there was always an atom of him parked on the edge of my heart that never left me.

  Sebastian and I stayed in touch for months. Back in the 90s, international calls were very expensive. One bill I received was for thousands of dollars. It was onerous to continue communicating so frequently. Then two weeks passed with no word from him, so I deliberately reciprocated and cut the connection. I needed to forget him and divert my attention elsewhere. It was also impossible for me to return to Lebanon at the time, so there was no point. Perhaps he had thought the same.

  For weeks, I struggled to hold myself back from dialing his number. At times I really missed the idea of him and still thought a relationship with him could work, because for the first time, he had ticked all the boxes. Except for one important box. He didn’t live in the same country. Damn!

  USA 1994

  It was time to reignite my martial arts training and find work. I had already moved in with Mother before I’d left for Lebanon. Six months went by. The phone rang.

  “Cheeky, you forgot about me?” it was Sebastian’s voice.

  “Sebastian? Is it you?” I was shocked.

  “You didn’t even check up on me or care enough to ring.” He sounded disappointed.

  “Same with you, honey, you stopped ringing me and to be honest, I thought it was best for the both of us that we stopped communicating,” I replied defensively.

  “I had no choice, Zara, I’ve been in a coma the past six months! You didn’t know? No one told you?”

  “A coma? What are you talking about? Are you joking?”

  “I almost died, Zara! Wow, you didn’t even know. What’s more, you didn’t even make the effort to contact me once to find out why I stopped ringing.” His voice was dejected.

  So he stopped calling me because he was in a coma!

  “You almost died, Sebastian? What happened to you? What do you mean?”

  “I had a car accident and was unconscious for months. My family expected me to die. They got the priest and everything. You wouldn’t believe it, Zara, they were all wearing black when I woke up. Do you know the first word that came out of my mouth when I woke up? It was your name, Zara… ‘I need to speak to Zara’ was the first thing I said.”

  I started to cry out of guilt and I didn’t know what to say. For the first time, I was the one at fault and it was unfamiliar territory to me.

  “Oh, my poor Sebastian, I’m so sorry, so sorry I wasn’t there for you. Why didn’t anyone from your family contact me?”

  “Because no one knew about you. I didn’t tell anyone about you. It all happened so quickly and before I knew it, I was out unconscious for six months. You seriously didn’t ring me, not even once?” he asked, surprised.

  “Oh, dear me, if only I’d rung, if only I’d followed my instincts. I wanted to ring you. I should have put my selfish pride aside and called you, Sebastian, please forgive my selfishness. How are you now? Are you all okay? Is there any permanent damage?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive, you didn’t know. Other than a slight limp, I’m okay. I mostly healed in hospital while I was out unconscious.”

  “I swear I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, I should have rung. God, if only I’d rung once I would have known
something!” I cried out.

  “I know, I know, and yes I’m much better now, recovering from the past dreadful six months. I’m on, like, fifteen different types of medications though.”

  “You have time to take all that?” I tried to make a sarcastic joke out of something that really wasn’t funny to divert the attention away from my guilt.

  “Okay, that’s not funny,” he said.

  “I agree! It’s not funny...sorry! Okay, moving on,” I replied.

  “Anyway, do you want the good news or the bad news?” he asked.

  “Actually, I want the good news and the best news if possible,” I said.

  “I’m coming to America next week.”

  “What? You’re kidding me, right?”

  “No, I’m not, I’m coming with the volleyball team. They’re my friends. I thought I’d come and see you, see if we can continue what we started. Do you still have feelings for me, Zara? I still feel the same way about you as the night I met you.”

  “Well, that’s because you’ve been asleep the whole time…oops…not funny?” I replied awkwardly.

  “No, not funny, so am I to assume your feelings have changed?”

  “Sebastian, a lot has happened the past six months. I tried hard to forget you and all I’ve been focusing on is my training and job and accepting the fact that I’m divorced.”

  “Don’t let the divorce hold you back. You didn’t do anything wrong, Zara, you married a guy who lied to you and cheated on you. If anything, you’d have been judged harshly if you’d stayed with him. Not to mention he was Muslim.” He chuckled at the last bit.

  “Oh please, let’s not go there again! Believe me, I’ve paid my dues with that one.”

  “So, you didn’t answer my question. May I come and see you?”

  “Oh Sebastian, of course you can. I can’t wait to see you again, and mostly to see you’re okay after what you’ve endured the past six months. Please can you forgive me for abandoning you during the time you needed me the most?”

  “I said there is nothing to forgive. Let’s move forward and look forward to seeing each other next week, okay? I’ll call you when I arrive.”

  “Okay, take care of yourself and have a safe flight.”

  I hung up the phone and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Then I gazed at the wall for twenty minutes without moving, thinking about the trauma he had been going through all this time. He had been in a coma while I’d selfishly played hard to get. What an absolute selfish idiot I was.

  I counted down the days to his arrival with butterflies in my stomach. The day finally arrived, along with his anticipated phone call. I drove down to the city where we were meeting. He was looking all around, mesmerized by the city views and LA life. When he saw me approach, you should have seen the look on his face. He picked me up and spun me around like a baby, laughing with joy. I was so happy to see him and mostly happy that he looked well and was still alive.

  “By the way, you didn’t tell me the bad news!” I said to him.

  “Too late, you’ve seen it, I’ve put on too much weight and I have a limp. Can’t you see? That’s my bad news,” he replied shyly.

  “Haha, really? Is that your bad news? Okay, you look a little bigger but it’s not that bad, nor is your limp. So, what’s the good news?” There I went again with my silly jokes and sarcasm.

  “Not funny!” he said, staring at me.

  “So good to see you’re well, Sebastian, so good to see you!” I stared at his gorgeous long eyelashes.

  I was truly delighted to see him, but what the hell was the matter with me? I didn’t feel what I’d felt when I first met him. My heart was blocked. Yet after all the trauma he had endured, he still had feelings for me.

  He wanted to pursue our relationship and asked me to go back with him to meet his family. After his near-death experience, he wanted to live his life to the fullest. He didn’t want to waste time holding back on the things that mattered to him. He was serious. He wanted to get married, even though he hadn’t known me long enough. He just knew what he wanted.

  I couldn’t see myself doing that after what I’d been through. I was in no rush to get married again. I didn’t want to lead him on and break his heart, so I rejected his offer based purely on the fact I didn’t know him well enough and I couldn’t jump into a serious relationship so soon after my divorce.

  Off to Lebanon he returned, dissatisfied with his endeavors.

  Mother thought I was a fool for letting a man like him get away, but what did Mom know? She had put up with a violent man for twenty years, so meeting someone like Sebastian would have been like royalty in her books. I didn’t want to rush into marriage again, besides, I didn’t have the same feelings for him as when we met. The thought of being involved with someone again so soon was not an option for me. I didn’t want to force it and I was adamant I was doing the right thing.

  The night Sebastian returned to Lebanon, I experienced the same dreadful nightmare about Dad’s last night. Waking up with palpitations and sweats and a heart that was about to explode. Here we go again.

  Chapter 21

  She has six months

  USA 1994

  It was September 94 and Mother was lying down one afternoon feeling ill and lethargic. She looked pale and didn’t seem herself. She always tended to ignore her pain and brush aside any sickness. I always said her silence and endurance to pain would kill her one day. After hours battling with her to take her to the doctor, she finally agreed. I made an appointment to see her local doctor that same day.

  Mother hadn’t told me about the unusual symptoms she had been noticing, and decided to keep it quiet until she’d had her medical examination. The doctor called us in and asked my mother to go into a private room where he would do the examination. I didn’t want to stick around for that, so I waited in the general practice room. Moments later, the doctor called me in. Mother was sitting on the chair waiting.

  “Zara, you need to take your mother to the hospital immediately. I’ll make the call and explain that she needs to be admitted as soon as possible.”

  “What’s going on, Doc? What is it?”

  “There’s a lump in her cervix area I’m not happy with. I believe she needs to be admitted immediately for further tests.”

  “A lump! Oh my God, what do you think it is?” I asked.

  “It looks cancerous but I’m not sure of the type or the extent of this. Just go straight to the hospital, please. I’ll make a call to emergency, so your mother doesn’t have to wait, okay?”

  “Thank you, Doc. Let’s go, Mom, better get this attended to before anything worse develops.”

  Mother doesn’t speak English fluently, however, she understood everything that was said. She had in fact felt that lump a couple of weeks earlier but had ignored it. I tried to reassure her in the car on the way to the hospital that I would be beside her and not to worry. Instead of me trying to calm her down, she was calming me down because I was panicking more than she was. She is an incredibly strong woman who doesn’t get upset over her health issues.

  As the doctor promised, when we arrived they took my mother in immediately for the tests. I rang my brother and sisters to let them know what hospital we were at and shortly afterwards, they all arrived at the emergency room. She was in for hours while we waited around together.

  “So how long has she known about this and kept quiet, sis?” Benji asked. We called him Benji for short. My nickname within the family was Psycho.

  “I just found out today, Benji. Apparently, she felt a lump around two weeks ago,” I replied.

  “Let’s not panic yet, it may not be serious,” Evangeline said.

  “Agree, no point thinking the worst yet,” Izabelle said.

  “I have a bad feeling about this, guys. My instincts are never wrong,” I said.

  “Hey! Don’t say that, let’s stay positive for now.” Benji looked at me and tried to ease my distress.

  About four hours later, around
6 pm, a nurse approached us and asked if we were her children. When we nodded, she took us into a room. Anxiously, and without holding back, I fired questions at her. “Is she okay? It’s not serious, is it? Have they finished the tests? Do they know if it’s cancer?”

  “The doctor will be with you shortly, he’s on his way now,” the nurse replied, ignoring my questions and walking out.

  “I’m telling you, I don’t feel good about this,” I said, panicking and walking around the room.

  “Calm down, sis, let’s just wait and see what the doctor says,” Izabelle said.

  The doctor walked in with a team of about five other doctors and nurses.

  “Hello, I’m Doctor Wayne,” he said, “your Mom has been admitted into the ward and we’re preparing her for surgery tomorrow.”

  “What’s wrong with her?” I jumped in without waiting for him to finish.

  “Shhh!” my brother snapped at me. “Let him finish.”

  “It looks like cancer of the cervix and we don’t know how much it may have spread. Tomorrow we will be able to examine the type of cancer it is and the extent of her condition.”

  Even if cancer is curable, the word is not a pleasant one to hear and the four of us began tearing up at this perturbing news. I panicked more. Evangeline looked at me, hugged me, and began to sob. I sensed she was feeling empathy toward me, being single and alone compared to the three of them who were married with children. They all knew the attachment I had with our mother. She was all I had, and she always had been. I couldn’t accept this news. I fell to the floor, hugging my knees and burying my face between them.