Shades of Honor

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “Evelyn, go in the house,” Radford said, his voice deadly serious.

  Kyle glared at Evelyn as if daring her to move.

  “There’s more involved here than you think, Kyle.”

  “You can’t know what I think,” Kyle said, crossing the floor and jerking Radford away from Evelyn by his shirt.

  “Don’t, Kyle. We’ll both regret it.” Radford tried to dislodge Kyle's hands, but they were locked on his shirt like a vise.

  Before Radford saw it coming, Kyle’s fist blasted into his jaw, followed by a hard punch to the stomach that slammed him into the wall. Radford curled forward from the loss of breath, trying to reason with Kyle as darkness hummed around his head.

  “Don't you dare pass out, you bastard,” Kyle said from the distance. “I'm nowhere near finished.”

  Evelyn's voice sounded a mile away, but as Radford’s head cleared he could see her standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, her eyes filled with horror. “Kyle, stop this!”

  “Get out, Evelyn,” both men said in unison.

  “Not until you two regain your sanity!”

  Kyle gave a derisive bark of laughter. “That's right. I am crazy. I must have been to ever trust you, or this lying bastard.” He swung his fist, but Radford deflected the blow.

  “Kyle!” Evelyn shrieked. She ran to him, pulling hard on his bulging arm. “Stop!”

  He yanked his arm free. The loss of support propelled her backward and sent her careening into the wall. Harnesses tangled in her flailing arms and a saddle spun sideways, falling to the floor and taking her with it.

  “Stay the hell away from me!” Kyle yelled. “Don't you dare beg for him. You are as much to blame as this bastard.”

  Radford hadn't seen Kyle this out of control in all the years he'd known him. Not even during their fights as kids. But he'd heard and seen enough. He shoved past him and helped Evelyn to stand. “Get out of here,” he said gently.

  Kyle grabbed Radford’s arm and spun him around. “Keep your filthy hands off her!” he warned. Then he threw another punch that caught Radford below the eye.

  Kyle had a right to be angry and hurt, but he was going to pound Radford into fragments if he didn’t stop. Still, Radford couldn’t raise his fist to Kyle. Not now. Not after what he’d done.

  “You're hurting him!” Evelyn cried.

  “Are you afraid I'll mess up his pretty face?” Kyle asked. “Did he speak of dreams and faraway places? Did he promise you picnics and tea parties?”

  “Kyle, I'm sorry. You don't understand.”

  “You're damn right I don't!” he said, taking a shot at Radford's exposed jaw.

  Evelyn screamed and raced from the tack room.

  Radford gripped Kyle's shirtfront and hauled him toward the wall. If he could just keep him pinned he could avoid Kyle's fist and not have to hit him back. But holding a man Kyle’s size stationary was like trying to stop Niagara Falls from flowing. It could not be done.

  Kyle shoved hard and sent Radford stepping backward frantically as he tried to keep his feet beneath him. And he would have if not for Kyle's fist. Radford felt the sting on his cheek then the door frame smash into his ribs as he slid to the floor. Pain ripped through his side and sparked the old angry fire that had once raged within him.

  Radford would have stayed on the floor to catch his breath and rein in his growing anger, but Kyle hauled him to his feet. It had been so much easier when they were younger and Radford was bigger than Kyle. Usually a thump on the head settled any problems. Radford fervently hoped it would work now. He ducked Kyle’s flying fist, then swung hard, feeling great regret even before he connected with Kyle's jaw.

  Kyle’s head jerked and he grinned as blood seeped from his split lip. “At least you'll act like a man and fight. I was afraid you had grown completely worthless.”

  Radford answered the insult with his fists and Kyle greedily took them, appearing to savor the pain as he returned a hard shot for every one received.

  The black rage was growing within Radford and he pushed it back, fighting it fiercely, trying to bat away Kyle’s fists, unwilling to do any more damage to his brother’s flesh. But the blows from Kyle’s fists burst upon Radford’s body in explosions of pain that felt like flying shrapnel.

  The monster within Radford crawled to its knees. Panic engulfed him. He was losing control. “Kyle, stop! You have to stop now!”

  Laughter filled the room and an explosion burst in Radford's head, filling the blackness with angry red sparks...

  Atlanta was burning! Its blaze roared like a red monster in the night sky. Muskets cracked in the thickets and battered Radford’s shirtfront with piercing shards of metal. Shells whistled past his ears and ripped the flesh from his face.

  The sinister being within him rose to its feet.

  That uncontrollable, animalistic urge to kill burned deep in Radford's gut. His fists curled into weapons of death. With every fiber of his being he swung, throwing his fists out like hammers, taking great satisfaction in each dull thud that met his enemy’s flesh. He would not watch another one of his friends slaughtered by this war to be left in mutilated heaps of bloodied flesh! His torn knuckles punctuated each burden this war had forced upon his conscience. He struck out at the senseless waste of lives and the animal it was forcing him to become.

  Finally, he sank to his knees in triumph and wrapped his long fingers around the enemy’s neck. Fingers pried at his hands, but Radford’s grip was solid. Hate-filled eyes glared up at him, then shifted and became Kyle's red-faced visage.

  Suddenly the screams of battle became Evelyn’s scream. William and Doc Kendall yanked at his arms. Radford glanced back at the enemy beneath him, and the choking, murderous Confederate became his own brother!

  Radford gasped and recoiled in horror.

  He scrambled away and gaped at his shaking hands as though they belonged to a stranger. That they had choked his own brother was an offense not to be borne.

  Wildly he glanced around him for signs of his bed, that this was a nightmare and he wasn't yet fully awake. Sickened, he looked to William and the doctor, but the truth was in their accusing eyes. Evelyn stood in the doorway, frozen with fear.

  A gasp of denial wrenched from Radford's throat and he buried his face in his palms. “No! Oh, God. Nooooo...” He rocked upon the floor, balancing on the edge of sanity. He didn’t do this. He didn’t. Oh, God. Oh no.

  Furious, he sprang from the floor and slammed his fist against the wall. “Dammit!” The violent crack sent everyone back a step. “Dammit!” he bellowed again with all the frustration that boiled within him. He spun on Kyle and tried to point his finger, but his hand was shaking so badly he let it fall to his side. “I warned you to stop. I warned you!” he shouted.

  Kyle met his rage with a cold glare. “I was past the point of heeding your damned warning.” He got to his feet then braced his hands on his knees and hung his head. “Why, Radford?” he asked, breathing raggedly as blood dripped from his nose. “You're my goddamned brother.”

  Seeing him like that, bleeding, hurting, so justified in his anger, was a pain more crippling than any of Kyle's vicious blows. It sapped every ounce of Radford's remaining strength. His teeth chattered and he sagged against the wall. He turned to William and the doctor. “Would you leave us alone? Please.”

  They exchanged a glance then backed from the room. Evelyn lowered her hands, tears making tracks down her face as she looked at Radford. The horrified wonder in her expression cut to his bones and he felt his own throat ache with unbearable anguish.

  “You have to get help.” She caught her cry behind her hand and raced from the livery.

  Even after his worst battle, Radford hadn't felt this defeated. He turned to Kyle. “Do you love her?”

  Kyle flashed a look of contempt. “That's none of your damn business!”

  “I need to know,” Radford said, sliding down the wall until he sat with bent knees.

  “I asked her to ma
rry me, didn't I? There's your bloody answer!”

  “Then why...” Radford wanted to ask Kyle why he didn't show her or tell her that. Why did he put the mill first? Why didn't he tell Evelyn she was beautiful when it was so obvious she needed to hear that? He wanted to ask, but he couldn't.

  Kyle arched a split eyebrow emphasizing the growing goose egg. “Why what?”

  “Forget it.”

  “Spit it out, dammit! If you've got balls enough to sneak around behind my back then be man enough to speak your mind.”

  “All right!” Radford barked. “Why the hell did you let Evelyn and me think you didn't love her?”

  Kyle groaned and sat wearily on the floor. “I was busy and distracted.” He leaned back against the heavy oak desk. His shirtfront was covered with blood. His nose had stopped bleeding, but there was a red smudge across his cheek where he'd wiped it with his sleeve. “Evelyn should know how I feel about her. We've been friends since the day I cut her pigtail off with my new jackknife. And I was building her a house.” Silence filled the air for a long moment. “She knew how I felt,” Kyle said forlornly. He rolled his head toward Radford, his eyes damp and accusing. “I trusted you.”

  “We tried to stop it.”

  “Shut up! I don't want to hear your pitiful excuses.” He pointed a shaking finger at Radford. “Just stay the hell away from her!”

  “I can’t do that.” Radford eyed his brother and realized there was more to Kyle’s anger. “This isn’t just about Evelyn, is it?” he asked.

  Kyle didn’t answer.

  “You’ve never forgiven me for leaving.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Radford shook his head. “It all makes sense now. You felt I owed it to you to fill Dad’s shoes when he died. You felt I deserted you.”

  Kyle snorted.

  “I couldn’t stay here.”

  Kyle pierced him with a cold stare. “You were a goddamned hero, Radford. This town worshiped you. That alone would have kept our mill running without any sweat.”

  “It would have been a lie.”

  They eyed each other for an intense moment before Kyle nodded. “I’m beginning to believe that. All I’ve ever seen in you is a coward and a cheat.” He staggered to his feet. “Is that why you’ve never shown us that medal of bravery you received? Because you couldn’t stand to look at it and know the truth?”

  Heat surged through Radford’s body and made his fists shake. He raised his eyes to Kyle who stood hunched and bleeding above him. “Get out.”

  Kyle looked down at Radford, his scathing gaze raking him with unconcealed disdain. “I thought so,” he said, then turned and limped out the door, leaving Radford broken and bleeding on the livery floor.

  o0o

  Evelyn crouched beside the barn doors and hugged her trembling knees. Never had she expected to witness something so appalling—so heartbreakingly pathetic.

  She could hear the mumble of deep voices from within the livery, but the absence of thrashing bodies and crashing furniture gave her hope. She raised her gaze to her father and was consumed by shame.

  His expression was drawn and he leaned heavily on his cane as he stared down at her. “I can guess what happened out here tonight and I’m not overly proud of you at the moment.”

  “You shouldn’t be,” she said, her voice quiet and hoarse from tears.

  “Damn right, I shouldn’t!” he said, his voice raised for the first time in over twenty years. “Dammit, Evelyn, there’s two fine young men in there who have just beaten the hell out of each other because of you.”

  “I broke my engagement with Kyle tonight,” she said weakly, as if it would make her wanton behavior more acceptable.

  “You think that makes any difference to him?” he asked. “That boy has considered you his since he was old enough to reach out and grab hold of you. It’ll take more than five minutes for him to come to terms with that.” He shook his head and looked away. “Those boys had a bad enough situation to handle without this trouble comin’ between them.”

  “I never meant for this to happen.”

  “‘Course not,” he said. “But it did, and it’s a damn shame is all I can say.”

  Tears blurred her eyes as the doctor guided her father back into the house. Suddenly, Kyle's disheveled form stood above her and Evelyn scrambled to her feet. He was beaten and bloody with ugly red welts on his neck. “Kyle...” She reached for his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

  His jaw clenched and he stepped away. “You've made your choice. Live with it.” With that he turned and slogged toward his mother's house. He crossed the wooden bridge where they had shared endless childhood dreams, where they had stuck worms on fish hooks, and challenged each other to stone-skipping contests. Evelyn could not bear the sight of his slumped shoulders and ripped clothing and the fact that she’d betrayed her only true friend.

  With an unstoppable sob, she collapsed and buried her face in her drawn-up knees. She could not bear to be the cause of so much pain and disappointment.

  “It’s over, Evelyn.” Radford tipped her chin up and traced a wet finger along her jawline.

  Evelyn was horrified at the damage she saw. His face was lacerated and swollen beyond recognition. “Have you looked at yourself yet?”

  He gave a slow shake of his head. “It was your face I wanted to see.”

  “After what happened in there?” she asked incredulously. “After I came between you and Kyle and ruined your lives?”

  He brushed her hair off her wet cheeks. “My character came between Kyle and me long before this.”

  “You've got to get help, Radford.” She clutched his hand and he winced. Blood speckled his knuckles and his palms were scrubbed raw. That he’d done this to himself sickened her. “You can’t wash away the past, Radford. No matter how hard you scrub it’ll still be in the back of your mind.” She touched her fingertips to his sore palm. “Talk to me. Doc Kendall said you need someone to help you. Tell me what you’re trying to wash away.”

  He sighed and pressed the back of his hand to his bloody lip. “I have to sort this out on my own.”

  “No you don’t. You can let me help you,” she said. “Don’t you trust me?” she asked, her voice small, hopeless.

  His grief-stricken eyes met hers. “It’s myself I can’t trust. What happened in there—he gestured with his cut chin toward the livery—is something I can’t live with. I thought I could control my past, but the truth is, it’s controlling me. I can’t risk hurting anyone else while I work through this.”

  His battered image wavered in the rush of Evelyn’s tears. “What are you saying?”

  He stood and she arched her neck to look up the long length of him, feeling the tears streak down her temples.

  “I'm broken up inside, Tomboy. I don’t trust myself anymore.” He looked across the apple orchard toward his mother’s house where Kyle was slowly climbing the steps. “I don’t know who I am, or what I’m going to become.” With a resigned sigh, he turned back to Evelyn. “I need a chance to put myself back together again. I won’t risk hurting you while I try to do that.”

  His words sliced through her. “Are you leaving?” she asked, barely able to push the words from her thick throat.

  “Until I’m human again. Until I’m worthy of you.”

  She jumped to her feet and grabbed his hand. “Talk to my father. Please! He knows what you’ve been through. He can help you.”

  He shook his head and pulled his hand away. “I’ll stay at my mother’s house tonight. I’ll come get Rebecca and some clothes in the morning.”

  “But Kyle is there!” Evelyn stepped in front of him, afraid he was walking toward another confrontation. “Please don’t fight again.” Tears filled her eyes. “I couldn’t stand it, Radford. It’s tearing me apart knowing I caused you two to hurt each other. I never meant to turn you against one another,” she cried.

  Radford kissed her forehead and brushed her hair off her wet cheeks. “It’s over, Evelyn. This was
my fault, not yours. No matter what happens, I’ll never again raise my hand to Kyle.”

  Chapter Twenty-three

  November wind howled outside and pelted the windows with cold rain. Frigid drafts crept around the sill and turned the bare wood floor to ice beneath her feet. Curling her toes, Evelyn peered into the stormy night, thinking that nature's angry outburst was an accurate reflection of her own mood.

  She’d lost Kyle. She’d given him a week to calm down, but he refused to speak to her when she went to his house that morning. He’d been living there since the fight with Radford and hadn’t spoken to either of them since.

  Evelyn had tried to apologize to Kyle for not telling him the complete truth when she broke their engagement, but Kyle didn’t want to know about her feelings for Radford or hear her apology. He told her to go back to Radford, that he wasn’t interested in a secondhand woman or her lies.

  Evelyn couldn’t go back to Radford, because she’d lost him, too. After giving her father an apology, the two men had talked privately, then Radford had taken Rebecca to his mother’s house where they had been living since the night of the fight. Though Radford still came to the livery each day, and visited in the evenings with her father and the doctor who had decided to extend his stay, Radford’s eyes were dark shadows of misery, and his thin body looked gaunt.

  Sensing he was on the verge of collapse, and that Rebecca was suffering, too, Evelyn had begged her father to talk to Radford, but he said Radford needed to find his own way in his own time.

  Fearing Radford would never be ready to talk about his past, Evelyn stole his diary from the black chest in the corner of his bedroom, vowing she would save him, no matter how low she had to stoop to do it.

  Ignoring her conscience, Evelyn went to her own room and lit the lantern. The light glowed upon the black, leather-bound journal as she opened it and traced her fingers over the slanted ink. Wishing Radford would have placed his faith in her instead of forcing her to search his trunk for his past, Evelyn began reading.