Shades of Honor

by Wendy Lindstrom

  He couldn’t afford to ride it out any longer. Rebecca couldn’t wait for him to wrestle down his past and pull his life together. She needed him now. So did Evelyn.

  After supper, Radford trudged across the snow-covered field toward the mill, his muscles straining beneath the heavy weight of the chain Evelyn had borrowed from Kyle last August.

  His arms trembled and, despite the cold, he was covered with sweat by the time he crossed the yard. How would he apologize for what he’d done? What words could convey the depth of his regret? He could offer an explanation and honest apology. The most he could hope for was an opportunity to repair the damage. The rest would be up to Kyle.

  An inch of snow offered little cushion for the fifty pounds of iron that Radford dumped behind his brother. With a yelp, Kyle spun around, his expression startled and fierce. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Returning your chain.”

  Kyle kicked it. “I didn’t want it back.”

  “And I didn’t want to fall in love with Evelyn, but I’m learning that life isn’t about what we want.”

  They measured each other while the distant sound of a saw filled the frigid air that cut through Radford’s clothing, chilling his sweat-covered body. Kyle’s expression remained hard. “Are you finished?”

  Kyle’s anger was justified, but Radford prayed he could break through it, that he could make Kyle understand how an innocent situation evolved into betrayal. Radford extended his hand, reaching for his beloved brother, willing to beg for his forgiveness if it came to that. “I’m sorry, Kyle. I want to make amends and tell you why it happened.”

  “So you can relieve your guilt?” Kyle glanced at Radford’s waiting hand then turned his back and grabbed his ax. “Not interested.”

  Radford curled his cold fingers into his palm, drawing away from Kyle’s painful rejection. He lowered his hand, wondering if he’d ever find the words that would open Kyle’s heart. “I realize I deserted you when Dad died. I deserted all of you. Now, I’m deserting Evelyn when she needs me most. I can’t run anymore, Kyle. It’s killing me and draining the life from my daughter.”

  Kyle’s shoulders stiffened. “What do you want me to say? That all is forgiven? That I hope you and Evelyn are happy?” He turned back to Radford. “I had a life planned and you dumped the mill on my shoulders. My wedding was one week away and you slept with my bride. How am I supposed to forgive that?”

  Kyle’s words sliced through Radford and he knew he was asking too much.

  “Dad built this mill for you, Radford. When he was dying, he made me promise I’d keep it going. I stayed. I tore up my train ticket and unpacked my suitcase. I know you made your sacrifices, too, Radford, but for five years, I sweated blood and kept my promise to Dad. My life is here now.” He swung his arm out to encompass the mill. “I built this. My back. My hands. My life.” He lowered his arm, his expression raw with pain. “I was going to be a lawyer. I became a mill owner instead. This is my life. Evelyn was supposed to share it with me. I don’t know what you want from me, but I think I’ve sacrificed enough.”

  Radford nodded. How selfish he’d been. How many other lives had he ruined because he’d been too consumed by his own pain? Rebecca’s? Evelyn’s? It didn’t matter. Even one was too many.

  “I became a soldier because I had to,” Radford said, nostalgia and regret making his voice hoarse. “I wanted to be a mill owner.” He met Kyle’s eyes, knowing his brother deserved the truth. “I didn’t want to go. I had dreams for this place.” Radford’s gaze traveled the mill with longing. “A lot like this, but not as grand. I would have had more men and less saw. You did it smarter.” He shrugged, knowing it no longer mattered. “The Union didn’t want crippled men so I went in Dad’s place. I promised him I’d come back alive. He believed I came back a hero. I left because I couldn’t tell him the truth.”

  Kyle shoved his hands in his pockets and flicked the chain with his boot. “I was wrong to say that about hiding your medal.”

  “It’s the truth. I didn’t earn it. William was a hero in every sense of the word. It’s where it belongs now.”

  Kyle sighed. “I don’t know what happened to you all those years ago, Radford, but I can’t pay the price anymore. I want to get on with my life.”

  “So do I.”

  “Then do it, but don’t ask me to forgive you. I don’t have it in me.”

  Kyle’s words tore through Radford like grapeshot and he stumbled back a step. Everything inside him calcified: his heart, his hopes, his dreams of reuniting with his brother. He didn’t blame Kyle. But his heart ached. “I understand,” he said. “I just wish there was something I could say to change things.” He turned away, uncaring that the icy wind stung his cheeks.

  “Words won’t change anything. Enough has been said.”

  Radford turned back. “We talked with our fists. All that accomplished was beating the hell out of each other. My ribs are still bruised.”

  “I intended to break them. I'm glad to hear I didn't.”

  Radford snorted. “At least you're honest.”

  Kyle slipped the toe of his boot beneath a section of chain, making the links jangle. “We never fought like that when we were kids. Is that something you learned in the war?”

  “The only thing I learned was that I was an animal. There were no rules in those battles and I didn't make any for myself. I used whatever advantage I had to stay alive in that hell.”

  “Well, I wish you would have told me that before I was stupid enough to hit you. My damn eyebrow is still lumped up.” Kyle’s lip twitched and Radford wondered if he had only imagined the flicker of amusement.

  A spark of hope blossomed and he stared at his brother, praying Kyle was beginning to soften. “Do you think there’s any chance for us, Kyle? Ever?”

  Their gazes clashed, but Kyle remained silent, unyielding.

  With a sinking heart, Radford made one last appeal. “I never meant to betray you. The only thing that kept me alive during the war was believing I could come back to this, to my brothers. I’ll do whatever it takes, Kyle. Anything.”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  A loud pounding jolted Evelyn from sleep and she tossed the afghan onto the back of the couch, her brain frantically trying to understand why someone would be banging on her door in the middle of the night.

  “Evelyn!” Nancy Grayson’s voice was muffled by the door, but Evelyn could hear the panic in her call.

  The instant Evelyn opened the door, Nancy pushed inside. “Is Rebecca here with you?” she asked, her eyes wild with fear.

  Evelyn’s gaze darted into the dark, snowy night and her heart stopped. “No. Where’s Radford?” she asked, her own panic rising.

  “I don’t know.” Nancy burst into tears. “He left the house an hour ago. He’d had a nightmare and was thrashing around so much, Boyd went in to wake him up, but Radford was out of his mind. Both Duke and Boyd had to shake Radford awake. He was so ashamed when he realized he’d attacked his brothers that he pulled on his clothes and left the house. When I went back to my bedroom, Rebecca was gone.”

  “Maybe she’s with Radford,” Evelyn said, praying it was true.

  Nancy shook her head. “He headed toward town. Rebecca’s footprints went into the orchard, but they’re so small, and it’s so dark, the boys are having a hard time tracking them.” Her eyes welled up. “She’s in her nightgown. She’ll freeze out there.”

  “Where are the boys?” Evelyn asked, reaching for her coat.

  “They’re still searching the orchard and the creek.”

  “Go to Kyle’s house and tell him what’s happened,” she said, slipping her bare feet into a pair of her boots, then grabbing the lantern off the table. “Find Radford. I’ll help look for Rebecca.”

  The instant she and Nancy stepped outside, the frigid air took her breath away. Nancy ran back across the orchard, but Evelyn stood on the steps, feeling scared to death that Rebecca was exposed to the biting wind and snow. Her fi
rst inclination was to dash into the dark and yell for Rebecca, but Evelyn stopped in the driveway, turning a slow circle, wondering where she’d go if she were a frightened little girl.

  Someplace warm. Someplace she wouldn’t be alone.

  Evelyn raced to the barn, but instead of yanking open the big double doors, she went to the small entrance door on the side. The livery was dark and silent. Evelyn’s heart raced and her thoughts scattered as she stepped inside. Where could Rebecca have gone?

  Evelyn checked the tack room, praying that Rebecca had crawled up on the cot like Evelyn used to do when she was her age, but Rebecca wasn’t there. Fighting panic, Evelyn stood still and listened. The wind moaned. The rafters creaked. A sprinkling of hay slipped through the floorboards above her head and fluttered past her lantern.

  Her heart leaped and she dashed toward the ladder leading up to the loft. “Rebecca!” Evelyn lifted the lantern and climbed the ladder one-handed. The instant her head cleared the upper floor and she could look into the loft, Evelyn felt her legs and arms go weak. Rebecca was sitting beside a mound of hay with a litter of two-day-old kittens in her lap. “honey, are you all right?” Evelyn asked breathlessly, barely able to believe Rebecca was safe.

  Rebecca sniffed and scrubbed her wet eyes. “Daddy was fighting and they hurt him.”

  “Oh, honey, your uncles were only trying to wake him up.”

  “He cried and he ran away.”

  Evelyn’s breath whooshed out and she sagged against the wooden rungs of the ladder.

  Rebecca stroked the kitten in her lap, her tears dripping onto the fur beneath her fingers. “He said he wouldn’t leave me no more.”

  Evelyn pressed her fingers to her mouth, her own eyes flooding.

  A bang sounded from below, then hurried footsteps, and Boyd’s frantic voice as he yelled for Rebecca.

  “Boyd! Over here!” Evelyn squatted down and ducked her head in time to see Boyd skid to a halt beside the ladder. “She’s in the loft with Missy’s new kittens.”

  “Jesus...” He clutched his chest and fell against a stall. Panting, he stared up at Evelyn, his face white with fear. “Is she all right?”

  “Yes. Just upset.”

  Boyd blew out a breath and shoved his wind-snarled hair out of his eyes. “I about died out there.”

  Emotion clogged her throat and Evelyn nodded. After a few seconds, she dragged in a breath and said, “Go let the others know we found her. I’ll keep Rebecca with me tonight.”

  “Good idea,” he said. His shoulders relaxed and he pushed himself upright. “I’m going to find Radford.”

  “Do you know where he went?”

  “No, but I know where I’d go.” Boyd shook his head. “He’s never going to forgive himself when he realizes what happened with Rebecca.”

  “Then don’t tell him.”

  Boyd snorted. “Right,” he said, then left the livery.

  Evelyn climbed into the loft and sat down beside Rebecca and the hay pile where her new cat had made its home. She rubbed her finger over the squirming gray kitten in Rebecca's hands. “What shall we name them?” Evelyn asked, watching Rebecca give the kitten serious consideration.

  “His name can be Mittens. See. He gots mittens on his feet,” she said, pointing to his white paws. She put him down and scooped up another kitten. He dangled from her hands and Rebecca tucked him against her chest. “I like this one. I'm gonna call him Wiggles because he's a wiggly worm.”

  The mother cat sauntered over and rubbed against Evelyn. “Hey, Missy, are you checking on your babies?”

  “That's their mama?”

  Evelyn nodded and wiped a tear off Rebecca’s cheek with her thumb. “She’s making sure we take care of them.”

  Rebecca bent over and looked into Missy's face. “Your babies got names now,” she said. When she popped back up, she looked at Evelyn with a curious expression. “Where's your mama?”

  The question was so totally unexpected that Evelyn actually blushed. How did a person explain to a four-year-old that her mother was dead. “Do you know what heaven is, Rebecca?”

  “That's where my grandpa went.” She looked at Evelyn with sad, lost eyes. “Now I can't see him no more.”

  Evelyn cupped Rebecca’s chin. “Did you know that Grandpa can still see you?”

  Rebecca’s eyes widened. “He can?”

  “Sure. When you go to heaven you live in the sky and can see everyone anytime you want.” She tucked Rebecca's curls behind her tiny ear. “I'll bet Grandpa is watching you right now.”

  “Really?” Rebecca asked, her eyes wide. She scooped up Wiggles, held him over her head, and hollered to the barn roof, “Look, Grandpa! I gots a kitten!”

  In that moment, Evelyn knew that loving someone was worth any sacrifice, and that she would do whatever it took to save Radford and his precious daughter.

  “I have a surprise for you,” Evelyn said, hoping to entice Rebecca away from the kittens and into the house. She took the babies from Rebecca’s lap and put them back with their mother.

  After taking the lantern downstairs and setting it on the floor, Evelyn climbed the ladder and guided Rebecca down from the loft. She lifted Rebecca onto her hip, picked up the lantern, then dashed through the frigid, swirling snow to the house, wondering if Radford was still wandering in the cold night.

  “Is that the surprise?” Rebecca asked, pointing at a small blanket-covered mound beside the sofa.

  Evelyn nodded. “Go ahead,” she said, smiling at Rebecca’s eager expression.

  Rebecca trotted across the floor then pulled the cover aside. With a shriek of pure joy she reached into the cradle. “My dollie!” She clutched the doll to her chest and turned her bright face to Evelyn. “It's my dollie!”

  The brilliance of Rebecca's smile was a sight Evelyn knew she’d never forget and she was glad she hadn’t hidden the doll away for Christmas as she’d planned to do. This gift was too special, too significant to be given for a holiday. Gifts from the heart weren't meant to be saved.

  o0o

  Rebecca was asleep when Kyle knocked on the door, and Evelyn’s jaw dropped when she saw him. He was the last person she expected to see at two o’clock in the morning. His eyes were dark and his cheeks were red from the wind. Her eyes misted. “You didn’t find him, did you?” she asked.

  He shook his head and pushed the door shut with his foot. “Boyd’s been gone a while though, so I think they might be together. Duke’s going into town to make sure. I know it’s late, but I thought you’d want to know what’s happening.”

  “Thank you, Kyle.” She caught his cold fingers and warmed them in her palm. “I don’t deserve your kindness after everything I’ve put you through. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  He pulled his fingers free and shrugged as if her betrayal hadn’t bothered him at all, but Evelyn knew better.

  “I’d like to explain what happened,” she said softly.

  “I'd rather you didn’t.”

  He looked so capable standing there with his wide shoulders and thick arms, but whether he loved her or not, his muscles of steel couldn't protect his heart from the pain.

  “Please. I owe you so much more than an apology.” She met his eyes so he could see the sincerity in hers. “I think Radford's betrayal cut the deepest and I'm sorry for that, too. We were both unintentionally selfish.”

  Kyle looked at the ceiling and let out a huge sigh. “Would you mind if I went home?”

  “Don’t go.” Evelyn caught his hand. “Please give me a minute.”

  Reluctantly, he met her eyes, then sat down at the table.

  Evelyn sat beside him. “You’ve been my friend forever,” she began quietly. “I’ve always shared everything with you, my troubles, my laughter, my tears, but after your father died, you changed. You didn't talk with me anymore. You were preoccupied with the business and that eventually consumed you. After a while we didn't share anything but unspoken memories. I shouldn’t have agreed to marry you, Kyle. It
was selfish of me. But Papa was ill and the livery was failing and I...I wanted a family. I knew you could give me that, and also the security I needed.”

  “Evelyn—”

  She covered his lips with her fingers. “It was the wrong reason to marry you,” she insisted, lowering her hand to her lap. “I found that out when Radford came home and let me care for his daughter. I fell in love with Rebecca, and in sharing her with Radford, we formed bonds that drew us closer. Radford and I were both misfits and we found something in each other that we needed. No matter how we tried to ignore those feelings, they eventually strengthened until they wouldn't let us go. You see, I had nothing else holding my heart away from all of that. I didn't know the man I was engaged to. If I'm to be completely truthful, Kyle, I still don't believe our old friendship would have been strong enough for a happy marriage.”

  “I thought we had something special,” he said.

  “We did. A wonderful friendship that became overshadowed by our responsibilities.”

  Kyle pulled his hand free and braced his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlocked between them. “Then tell me what happened that night you kissed me as if you wanted to pull my clothes off. Why did you do that? I've wondered for a long time.”

  If she were to be any friend at all, she had to answer truthfully. “I was hoping to find the spark we were missing. I was prepared to give everything I had in search of that. I just couldn’t find it in the arms of my friend.”

  He nodded in resignation as if he’d already known the answer, but had been unwilling to admit it. “You found that spark with my brother.”

  “Yes. I'm sorry.”

  He looked at her, his expression vulnerable. “Was it impossible to love me just a little?”

  Evelyn lifted her hand and stroked his jaw. “I loved you more than a little, Kyle. You were like a brother to me. That's why I couldn't love you like a woman should love her husband. I had already found a special place for you in my heart.”