Guilt
Page 32
I found his phone and discovered he had been tracking Liza, as I thought. Bastard. Checking where she was at all times, no doubt.
I knew Liza better than anyone and I knew she wouldn’t understand that he’d risked his life for a good time. Not only risked his life, but the safety and security of his kids, too. Clearly, he’d grown up in a particular world and had found it difficult to escape.
I decided to delete all the messages on his phone between him and Marvin. Finding out he was gay would probably destroy her just as much as his reckless behaviour. Despite being beautiful, and sexy as hell, I knew she doubted herself and probably always would. I knew she’d view his death as a direct consequence of some lacking of her own – such as not loving him enough or something. My beautiful girl needed building up but she’d married entirely the wrong man for that.
I would keep Gage’s actions to myself forever and a day: that he’d risked everything for a quick afternoon high.
Liza was pure, through and through, and found it hard to understand people who weren’t. Her heart was gold. She loved fiercely and completely. Through my eyes, she was the most perfect creature on earth and I would never love another woman. She was it.
I swept the truth under the carpet, for her, nobody else – and I would protect her heart, no matter what, for as long as she would let me. I would give her a story close to the truth, but I would never, ever tell her about the gross negligence of a husband disrespecting his wife, family home and position in society. A supposed role model? In actual fact, he was a disgrace.
Liza, my beauty, reminded me so much of my big sister… strong-willed, dignified and good.
If I had it my way, she’d be my wife within the year and we’d have loads more babies together.
The only thing was, I knew she’d need time to heal – and so for now, helping her heal would be my one goal in life – and the rest would follow.
NORA
MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW. ALWAYS. THEY know their kids inside and out from the day they’re born. That’s how I knew Gage would always be trouble, with his dark eyes, curly hair and unruly nature. Even so, I knew I’d love him whatever. Well, that was until that day…
I thought I was only popping round to smack his face in for cheating on Liza.
Nope. I wasn’t.
I was actually about to be confronted by a truth I hadn’t ever seen coming.
All the way there, I’d been cursing him. Hating him.
How could he cheat on Liza? How could he?
So stupid.
Didn’t he know what he had?
Anyone could see he was punching.
I’d decided he was losing his mind. Fair enough, blokes need to put it about… but it was becoming such common knowledge he was fucking around with other women, I honestly didn’t understand the boy. He’d gone mad to get so sloppy, surely.
My ultimate cause for concern though, was that my mate Sheila worked in the café where Liza often met up with her fancy man – and there’d recently been chat of some kind which had made Sheila’s ears prick up as she pretended to read her paper behind the counter while actually eavesdropping. It had sounded to Sheila like Liza was considering taking a new job and starting fresh. It all sounded suspect to me – like the girl was looking to get out good and proper. I wouldn’t have blamed her for shagging a bloke on the side, lord knows a girl’s got to get her own, but taking off with Gage’s kids and leaving him? Nah. Not gonna happen.
Without Liza, I knew my son wouldn’t last the year without fucking up. She was the only thing keeping him steady. He’d always had his demons, it was just that Liza had no idea how she’d quashed them just by giving him the time of day.
As usual, it was up to me to sort out another of his messes. He needed telling – and quick – before she left him for good. I couldn’t think why else she’d be considering taking a new job, unless it was to get some money on her side to fight Gage for the bairns.
Anyway, I arrived at their house at ten in the morning, sure at least Liza would be home and that if nothing else, I could do some damage limitation before Gage arrived back. Unfortunately, she’d already left the house. I seemed to remember Gage mentioning about her and that whacky Hetty always spending Mondays together and her never being home on his day off. I used to think Liza was such a bitch, but that was until she had the sprogs and I saw what a class mother she was. Couldn’t fault her there.
So with nobody home, I found the spare key under the plant pot and let myself in. The alarm code took one guess – it was their wedding date.
I made myself a cup of tea and sat reading some of Liza’s magazines for a while. She had already used all the little samplers in them all – rotten luck if you ask me. They’re the only reason I buy magazines.
I kept checking my watch, but nobody was coming, I felt.
I started wondering whether Liza had already left him, prompting me to check upstairs.
However, all her cases remained in the hallway cupboard and all the kids’ stuff was still strewn all over the floors everywhere. I had half a mind to call Carol and for us to brainstorm how we were going to tackle my stupid son’s wandering nob, when instead of all that, I decided to take a lovely, long hot bath in the posh tub. It was time to take care of me for a change.
As I lay back, relaxed beyond belief, I tried to think of a plan.
All Gage needed to do was make a gesture… like maybe buy her lipo, or else… send her and the kids on holiday, something like that.
I couldn’t be doing with him wrecking everything. If he and Liza broke up, he’d no doubt end up bad like he was before… then lose his career. With no money coming in, who would I look to for my allowance after that? I’d get by, like always, but I’d grown accustomed to his little handouts. They made my life a lot fucking easier.
Anyway, I was getting ready to leave the bath. I reckoned it’d been an hour since I arrived and there wasn’t much chance of either of them arriving home anytime soon, not now.
I was almost about to lift myself out, when I heard Gage’s voice in the hall. Then the unmistakable chuckle of his friend Marvin.
I was delighted. Marvin was a good guy and together, we’d gang up on Gage to mend his ways.
Then I couldn’t believe my ears.
Moans. Bodies slapping together.
Grunting.
I remained exactly where I was, horrified, terrified and disgusted.
When their music became loud, I hurriedly leapt out of the bath and was thankful it drained quickly so Gage wouldn’t hear and know I was in the house. I didn’t want him to know I knew.
Of all the things I’d expected him to be – unfaithful, ungenerous, aggressive and mean – gay wasn’t one of them.
Well, as long as he didn’t know that I knew, everything was fine. Everything could continue, including his marriage, my handouts and access to the kids.
After I was dried and dressed again, I huddled in a corner, waiting for it to be over.
Unfortunately, it would never be over…
To my shock, I watched as another man – a complete stranger to me – crept past the bathroom door, a camera phone held up as he moved. I observed through a crack in the door as he took pictures of the lovers.
He looked like a professional type… and I made the immediate assumption paparazzo. Maybe phone cameras was the new way of taking photos, I didn’t know. All I knew was that it looked bad. Gage was in trouble, for sure. Maybe he’d known for a while Liza was gonna leave him and that’s why he’d become so bloody careless… because he’d lost all hope. Well, his idiocy had caught up with him, hadn’t it? Someone was gunning for him, probably from the press, desperate to bust him.
The guy out for pictures left as quietly as he’d arrived and didn’t notice me. Then it was just a waiting game for Marvin to get out.
After Marvin was gone, I remained hidden. I still didn’t quite know what was happening.
What to do? What to do? I asked myself.
I
realised, you know what? I can live without money, but I can’t live with a gay son.
No way.
Once I heard him step into the shower, I crept downstairs and walked into the kitchen. On the table there was a half-drunk, litre bottle of vodka. I grabbed it and dropped it into my bag. Save that for later.
Then I found a notepad of Liza’s and a pen, so I wrote out a note:
Son, do us all a favour, eh? Put Liza out of her misery. You dirty homo.
I stole a few quid from his wallet on the way out, then walked to the end of the street and headed back to the bus stop.
I texted my mate Kelly about some unexpected vodka and moolah dropping into my possession, and that was that. My night ahead looked great.
GAGE
It’s a nice house, in a suburban area – a lot of light, clean, shiny and with all the latest appliances. The dining kitchen features a doorway leading through to the lounge and there’s a long hallway just off, leading to the other downstairs rooms, including a formal dining room, a pantry, utility room and airing cupboard. There’s a recently showered husband standing in a towel by the small kitchen table. He’s looking for his vodka but it’s gone, replaced by a note:
V.O. (his mother)
Son, do us all a favour, eh? Put Liza out of her misery. You dirty homo.
The young man stumbles backwards, then falls to his knees. He rocks back and forth, pulling and tugging at his own hair, desperate, mad. Inconsolable. After a while, he speaks in a cracked voice.
GAGE
I don’t want to do this anymore.
The young man grabs a bottle of rum from the kitchen cupboard, then tips in a bag of pills, swishing it around. He heads upstairs to his bedroom, clutching the lethal cocktail in one hand, a kid’s teddy in the other.
After a while, he places the teddy on his wife’s dressing table, then tips the bottle all the way, sinking the lot. He hides the empty bottle at the bottom of the bathroom trash.
He knows nothing after falling into bed… even as his body fights.
His mind isn’t in doubt, you see.
Then nothingness descends.
The light goes out.
(curtain)
AFTERWORD
I WISH I COULD SAY that my inspiration for stories comes from up above – like a magical sort of intervention thing whereby I’m celestially inspired, or something. Often the magical sparkle I add to a story is purely down to me, having worked for years on honing my ability to detract from the actual horrors of real life with a glimmer of romance instead.
The people who know me best know which of my stories are based in truth – and often the ugly truth is what speaks to my readers most. Perhaps, in the twenty-first century, homophobia isn’t as bad as what it used to be… (I said perhaps)
What I’m most sad about is that it still exists at all.
Thank you for reading and always remember to hold your loved ones tight. I hope, like me, you have grown to love Liza for being truly imperfect but so beautifully real with that honesty and sincerity of hers.
Please don’t forget to review!
Sarah x
Also by the Author
THE CRIMSON SERIES
Unscripted
Undeniable
Unending
THE SUB ROSA SERIES
Unbind
Unfurl
Unleash
Dom Diaries
Worth It
His Deadly Rose
Epilogue
STANDALONES
Writing on the Wild Side
Fabien: A Vampire Novel
Tainted Lovers
Christmas Lovers
THE CHAMBERMAID SERIES
A Fine Profession
A Fine Pursuit
The Chambermaid’s Tales
THE ANGEL AVENUE SERIES
Angel Avenue
Beyond Angel Avenue
Hetty: An Angel Avenue Spin-off
Guilt: A Spin-off
THE NIGHTLONG SERIES
The Contract
The Fix
The Risk
Charity anthologies
Break the Cycle
They Say I’m Doing Well
Poems to My Younger Self
The UNITY Series
The Radical
The Informant
The Sentient