by Dixon, Ruby
"We—we won't?" Andrea takes a shuddering breath.
"No one got hurt, right?" I pace back and forth, back and forth. I wish I was brave enough to go across the school to where my doves are kept. Their cooing is so comforting that it relaxes me just to be around them. I think of their chicken-wire cages and the warm, feathered gray bodies within and try to relax. "Everything's okay," I tell Andrea.
I figure if I keep saying it maybe I'll eventually believe it, too.
"I…guess." She doesn't sound convinced.
I'm not entirely sure I am either, but I'm also a big fan of “fake it til you make it.” "Let's track this back. Did you tell anyone else about your plan to go see a dragon?"
"No," she admits in a small voice.
"Not Benny?"
"Never. He'd laugh at me." Andrea sounds wounded at the thought, and I wonder how much tonight's disaster hurts her. She hasn't said, but I think she's really lonely. I'm starting to suspect she had a lot pinned on the idea of being a dragon's girlfriend, because she's not the same vivacious person she was when we left a short time ago. Something inside her seems defeated.
Just another problem for me to fix tomorrow. "Okay, if I'm the only one, I'm sure not going to tell anyone." I force a bright smile to my mouth. "You tell Benny I found out about the gap in the fence and he has to fix it pronto or else he answers to me. That's another problem solved. I lost my pepper spray, but it was almost dried out anyhow." I mock-dust my hands as if everything is handled. "I don't see any more problems."
"You don't?" Andrea sounds shocked, and her jaw drops. "What about the dragon?"
"Er, what about the dragon?"
She gives me an incredulous look. "Gwen, it's obvious I wasn't his mate. But the way he was looking at you, sniffing you—"
I shudder. "Don't say it—"
"You're his mate. You're the one he's looking for."
I fix my gaze on her and make it as stern as I possibly can. "We are not telling anyone about this." Maybe by the time it leaks out, I'll figure out an answer to the problem…or the dragon will lose interest and wander away. A girl can always hope.
5
Days Later
GWEN
I hold the mourning dove against my chest and listen to its soft coos, feeling its tiny body press against my hands. I pet the tiny head and stroke my fingers over the ring markings on his neck. I've raised these doves for the last year and a half. They trust me. They look at me eagerly and make delicate little thrums in their chests when it’s time for seed. They let me touch them, pet them, and bind a note to their legs. They fly out and most return, and I tell myself it's because they love me and trust me.
Now I wonder if I'm kidding myself. I wonder if they want freedom but they're too scared and keep coming back for easy handouts. I wonder what they'd do if I stopped feeding them. Would they survive on their own? Or would they keep coming back until they starved to death?
I worry that like the people of Fort Shreveport, they're just more vulnerable lives that I've fucked up by touching them. It doesn't matter that I have the best intentions. The road to hell is paved with ’em, as the old saying goes.
I sigh and stroke the tiny head, wishing there was a user’s manual for the apocalypse.
Behind me, Andrea speaks with Amy. I'm still reeling from our meeting with the Brothers of Ash. The bastards didn't bring Daniela, but Amy and Rast intimidated the hell out of them and they're supposed to be bringing Daniela back tonight.
Intimidated, ha.
Rast ate someone right in front of us.
I close my eyes and I can still see the spray of blood, the shocked looks on everyone's faces as the dragon attacked. Amy warned the guy not to touch her, but he didn't listen and…Rast just ate him. Like he was nothing. I know logically that the biker was a bad guy and that the world's better off without him and this is the best way to intimidate the other nomads into leaving us alone. That with that one chomp, Rast's solved our bully problems.
But I have to admit I'm not thinking about bullies or bikers or nomads when I think of Rast's actions. I think of the dragon waiting outside the city. The one that thinks I'm his mate. If I don't go to him soon, is he going to eat people until he gets his way? Am I going to stand in front of him, helpless, as he savages the people I'm supposed to be protecting?
Why is it everything I touch just turns out worse than when I started?
Andrea pulls up a metal chair and pats it, indicating that Amy should sit down. "I know it smells like birdshit in here," Andrea says cheerfully, "But it's private and that's hard to come by in a fort."
Amy shuffles to the chair and sits down carefully. Her dragon's following the Brothers of Ash as they head back out onto the highway—an escort of sorts to ensure that they do as we ask. Part of me thinks that Amy sent him with them because she knows Andrea and I are a little freaked out about watching a dragon eat someone right in front of us.
I touch my cheek, wondering if any of his blood splattered on me, and feel sick to my stomach. Is this what I have to look forward to if a dragon claims me? Dear god. I swallow hard and hug my dove to my chest.
No, focus on the good, I tell myself. Dee will be home soon, and safe. Whatever happened just now, it’s worth it because Daniela will be brought home.
Even so, I can’t get the image of the dragon eating a man out of my mind. "It's a lot to take in," I say, gently setting the dove back with his brothers in the cage. "Thanks for waiting to talk until we got here." I dust my hands off on my pants as Andrea flips two more folding chairs out from their space by the wall and parks them across from Amy's seat. "This is where Andrea and I come to chat."
"When you don't want to be overheard," Amy says with understanding, nodding. "I get it. What is this room?"
"I think once upon a time it was a choir room. I found risers in here when we first came to the fort." They're now welded in front of a few windows, but the room still has airy acoustics to it, which makes it nice for the birds. They can't go outside, but I don't want them to feel too trapped. I've made a large cage for them out of chicken wire mesh strung from the ceiling and a few perches here and there. At one time I had twenty doves of all kinds—gray, ringneck, mourning—but as time has passed, I have fewer and fewer. Seven remain, and the others have either flown off into birdie freedom or been killed. I sincerely hope it's the latter. In a way, it's good that they haven't come back. The feed store a mile or so away is almost out of bird seed, and what's left is molded and nasty. Soon there won't be anything at all.
"Wow, okay." Amy smooths her long, billowy skirt and I'm envious of her pretty dress. It's clear that her dragon took her shopping to areas that are far outside of what we can scavenge here at the fort, because she looks fresh and lovely, and Andrea and I look grubby and faded. "So tell me what's the deal with the dragon outside the city. Vaan. You guys know something, clearly."
Andrea flicks a nervous glance at me as we unfold our chairs and sit down across from Amy. I feel like a kid that's been called to the principal's office, ironic considering we live in an old school. "Yeah, you could say that."
"You want to tell me?" Amy gives us a calm look. "I'm not mad. I'm just curious. It's a problem we need to figure out before I leave. Which one of you is it? Or is it someone else?"
Andrea gives me a miserable look. "You want to tell her?"
No, not really. But I don't have a choice. Instead of confessing the truth, I lean forward and put my hands on my knees. "Is there any way to call him off?"
Amy gives me a pitying smile. "If there were, people would have figured it out already. I've learned one thing about Rast—he does what he wants."
"But he listens to you, right?" When she nods, I continue. "So can you have him call off his friend? Tell him to leave?"
"Did you miss the part where I just said drakoni do what they want?" She grins to take the sting out of her words. "In all seriousness, Vaan's a tricky one to deal with. Rast's been talking to him constantly since we arrived a
nd he's pretty lost."
"Lost?" Andrea looks wistful. "Lost how?"
Amy presses her hands together, thinking, and then taps them against her lips, as if she's considering just how to explain herself. "So, to be blunt, they're all crazy. There's something in this world that makes them wild and flips a switch in their minds. My sister's dragon is very hot tempered. Rast is, too, and easily distracted when he's emotional. I try to have him focus on me, but it's difficult at times. Vaan's as bad as any I've ever heard. Rast says he forgets everything. Nothing stays put in his mind. Rast has to tell him over and over again what our plans are and not to attack the fort. And every few hours, he has to be told again." She shakes her head slowly. "Even if he could be reasoned with, it would all have to be told to him over and over again. But…if he has a mate…"
And she gives us both a pointed look.
"It's me," I tell her bluntly. "And it's a mistake."
Her expression softens. "How do you know?"
"That it's a mistake? Because I can't mate a dragon." I press my hands to my face. "I'm too busy ruining everything I touch around here." I hunch over my legs, hiding my face. I feel so ashamed. This is all my fault.
A gentle hand rubs my back. "You're doing the best you can," Amy tells me, and somehow that just makes everything worse. Hot tears spill from my eyes and they just keep coming. I've endangered everyone with everything I do. Fort Shreveport couldn't have picked a worse leader if they'd tried. I’m filled with despair.
As I try to pull myself together, Andrea tells Amy all about our late-night venture into the city. How we crept out because Andrea was so very sure that the dragon was her mate. I can hear the embarrassment in her voice as she tells the story, but to Amy's credit, she doesn't mock or make poor Andrea feel silly.
When the telling is over, Amy is quiet for a moment, then speaks. "I'm not going to judge you or tell you that you did something crazy. I mean, you're talking to someone who more or less jumped off the ledge of a building, convinced that her dragon would catch her."
I look up in surprise.
Amy gives me a crooked grin. "Nobody said I was the most practical of girls. At any rate, I'm lucky it worked out because another dragon almost snagged me. So no judgment here." She puts a hand on my knee, leaning forward. "But what I am going to say isn't all that comforting. It sounds like you really are his mate, Gwen. At least in his eyes. And he's not about to give up on you. He's been waiting outside the city for days now because Rast told him that we'd be sending his mate out."
"He what?" I blurt out, horrified.
"I didn't say it was the truth. That's just what we told him." She shrugs delicately and straightens. "My point is, he's going to wait until you come back out. He's not going to give up. That means until you decide to go say hello to him, he's not leaving the city. Everyone that takes a step outside is going to be in danger."
I groan in frustration, wanting to bury my face in my hands again. "Why am I cursed?"
"Some of us are just lucky that way," she says with a wry grin. "The After doesn't make things easy for anyone." She taps her leg—the one that gives her the terrible limp—and I immediately feel like an asshole. I don't know Amy's story and here I am whining about a dragon falling in love with me.
It's time to suck it up or shut up. I take a deep, bracing breath. "Okay. So…I need to go out and talk to him. If I do, he'll leave?"
Amy grimaces. "Remember the part where I said you can't force a dragon to do anything? You can try talking to him, but he's not going to leave. Not without you."
"How do I make him understand what I want?" I ask.
Across from me, Amy chews on her lip. "You want the grisly truth?"
God. "Yes, I do. Hit me with it."
"He's pretty much a force of nature. Think of him like a tornado and you're going to be sucked into it whether you want to or not." Her smile is small, apologetic. "It's no longer your choice."
"Well that's bullshit," I tell her dryly, resisting the urge to panic. No panic yet. Not until I'm in private and can freak out quietly on my own. "I'm not going anywhere with him. Not until Daniela comes back."
"He knows that. That's why he's waiting." She waves a hand back and forth in the air. "Sort of. He also keeps forgetting why he needs to wait. The only thing that sticks in his mind is you and you alone. It's the only control he has in his life. That's how dragons work, both good and bad. You've now become the most important thing in the world to an impossibly powerful alien. It can be amazing and wonderful beyond your wildest dreams." Amy's face softens and she gets the sweetest, most adoring look on her face. "It can change everything for you." Her expression sobers and she focuses on me again. "But like I said, you don't have a choice. He's picked you as his mate and there's not anyone that can tell him no."
"I'm going to tell him no," I say indignantly. "This isn't what I want—"
"What do you want?" Amy asks, and her face turns shrewd. "What exactly is it that would make you happy, Gwen?"
I don't have to think hard about this. "I want everyone to be safe. I want Fort Shreveport to be happy and prosperous and a good place to live. These people deserve a haven after the hell they've gone through. They deserve to have enough food in their bellies without having to whore themselves out or latch on to the strongest man they can find. Their children deserve to grow up in safety."
"That sounds wonderful and I agree," Amy says softly. "But what do you want, Gwen? Not the fort—what is it you want?"
The answer comes immediately to my head. I hesitate for a moment before saying it aloud. "Not to be in charge. Not to be responsible for so many lives. I'm not good at it. I keep making mistakes, and the more things go wrong, the more I feel…trapped." Even now, I feel like I'm suffocating.
"You don't have to be in charge," Andrea tells me softly. Her arm goes around my shoulders and then she hugs me against her.
"Someone has to," I tell her miserably. I hate it. I hate how bad I am at it…but everyone looks to me, so I do the best I can.
"I'm going to help," Amy says, and there's quiet determination in her voice. "I'll take on the mantle of responsibility, if you'll let me."
I want to laugh hysterically. If I'll let her? I want to fling this invisible “mantle” on her so quickly I can hardly stand it. "But you're leaving."
"Just to check on my sister. She's pregnant." Amy smiles, that deeply romantic, sweet expression again. "She and her dragon are expecting their first baby and I want to see how she's doing. Then I'll be back. Rast and I both want to help out. This fort has such potential. It could be such a wonderful home for us…if we're welcome."
"You forget," I tell her with wry amusement. "We let in everyone. Even the bad guys. Remember?"
Andrea snorts at my joke.
"You're too hard on yourself, Gwen. No one else faults you for the choices you've had to make." She reaches out and takes my hand, her pale one against my darker one. She squeezes my fingers tight and laces hers with mine, an intimate and friendly gesture that speaks of idealism and sincerity. "Can I keep giving you some awful truths?"
"Might as well." They can't get much worse than what I've been told already.
"You want to give safety to the people that live here more than anything else, right?" When I nod, she squeezes my fingers again. "I have no power without Rast at my side. If you take Vaan as your mate, not only are you saving your people from the dragon at their door, but you'll be providing them with a devoted guardian. It's a win-win situation."
What she says does sound like a win-win situation…except for the part that I give up all of my freedom to become some killer monster's personal plaything. "Is this how Fay Wray felt when King Kong grabbed her?" Amy's little grimace tells me I'm not far off the mark. "Okay. Let's say I'll do this. Let's say I pretend I have a choice and decide I'm going to mosey out and say hello to Vaan." I close my eyes and take a deep, steeling breath. I can do this for the safety of all the people who have depended on me so far. All the people w
ho have looked to me—and who I've failed time and time again. This is one way I won't fail them. "Let's say I want to become his buddy. How do I do the mental speak like you and Rast?"
To my surprise, Amy's cheeks flush bright red. "Um."
Dread pools in my belly and I snatch my hand from hers. "Oh, hell no. You are trippin'."
Andrea speaks up. "Surely not…"
Amy clears her throat and does her best to compose herself. "So I should give you the birds and the bees breakdown, dragon-style."
Oh god.
6
GWEN
Some time later, I'm in my bed, my arms wrapped around my baby sister as she shudders and cries against my shoulder.
Daniela's back. But she's not whole.
I fight back my own tears as she drifts off to sleep. I stroke her hair and murmur soothing sounds that mean nothing at all, just so she hears my voice. Daniela's twenty and strong and opinionated. Bold. Vivacious. But that's the old Daniela. The one in my arms trembles and quakes with terror. The one in my arms has terrible scars on her once smooth, dark cheeks in the symbol of the Brothers of Ash—a curling flame. They’re raw and red and look as if they were made with a brand.
They stand out as a testament to what she's endured and won't speak of.
I've failed her.
Ever since the Rift, I've sworn to Daniela that I'd take care of her. That I'd protect her. The time she needed me the most? I let her be taken by awful people.
I don't know who I hate more right now, the Brothers of Ash or myself.
"She's home," Andrea whispers from across the room, safe in her bed. "That's all that matters, Gwen."
Maybe she's right. Maybe I've done the best I can. Daniela's alive. She told me she’s still a virgin, but that’s all she says. I know from experience that there’s a lot a guy can do to a girl without messing up her virginity, and my heart hurts. When I ask Dee, though, all she says is that they were holding her to sell her. It’s clear she’s traumatized, and she’s not the only one. I don't know that this ache in my heart is ever going to leave. This awful, awful, helpless feeling. And when she whimpers in her sleep and pulls away from me, I let her go.
