White Water

by Pamela Oldfield

  Maria had made no effort to speak while Allan outlined his intentions. When he had finished she still did not speak. The suggestion had taken her completely by surprise and her mind reeled.

  ‘You will be disappointed,’ she said at last. ‘Felicity will never let them go.’

  ‘She will, Maria. I shall make her give them up. She will do it for their sakes. I’m convinced of it. She will want them to be Kendals. She will wed Lucas and have other children. She will know the twins are where they rightfully belong.’

  ‘You do not understand, Allan, the way a woman feels for her children. She will not part with them.’

  ‘I think you are wrong, Maria. And if I prove you wrong and she will part with them. Then what do you think of it?’

  ‘I think it most generous, Allan. ’Tis so sudden — you must allow me time to think on it further — ’

  ‘There is no time, Maria. I shall leave for Kent tomorrow at first light.’

  ‘Allan! Why the haste? Surely ’tis better to reflect longer — ’

  ‘And have a change of heart?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I do not say that. But ’tis a big step. I must tell you, Allan, that I will not be at Heron for much longer.’

  ‘Aye, you have spoke of it. You want to go back to the convent.’

  ‘You cannot bring up a family without a woman. You must wed first, Allan, and your wife should give her consent to the plan.’

  ‘No, Maria. That is not the way. I shall bring the boys back — ’

  ‘They are only babes, Allan! ’Twill be impossible to bring them back so soon. You are much too hasty, I tell you. ’Tis a serious step. Wait until I have found a suitable wife and Heron is financially a little more secure. There is the share of Romney House — that will be sold within the month. Add to that a dowry and Heron will better be able to support two more sons. You cannot ask a dowry to endow another man’s children! If they were your sons ’twould be a different matter.’

  ‘They will be my sons, Maria. I do not intend to ask a wife’s permission to do what I know is right. They are Kendal boys and Martin died — indirectly — by my hand. I won’t argue with that and ’tis to my eternal grief but I cannot bring him back to life. All I can do is bring up his sons and I mean to do it.’

  ‘But Allan, even Martin was not prepared to do so much. He was content to see Felicity happily wed and the boys financially secure. Mayhap you take too much upon your shoulders. Martin’s death is not a debt to be paid. I beg you think about it further. I admire your generosity of heart, but ’tis always folly to act rashly and without careful thought.’

  ‘Maria, I have given it careful thought — and I shall do exactly as I have said.’

  Maria sighed. ‘Then I’ll say no more, Allan. I’ll reason no further on the matter. If you are adamant — but, dearest Allan, prepare yourself for possible disappointment and do not take it too hard. I am utterly convinced in my own mind that Felicity will not agree to it.’

  *

  Allan rode the third and last leg of the journey in the company of three nuns and an elderly man and his son. The nuns kept to themselves, a few yards behind, and conversed in whispers. The two men had had a disagreement and were not on speaking terms. There was no one to distract Allan from his thoughts and he gave particular attention to how best to broach the subject to Felicity. Maria’s conviction that she would refuse to let the boys go disturbed him. The problem had occurred to him only fleetingly and he had given the matter no serious consideration. As to their youth, that was a valid point. They must stay with their mother until they were weaned — unless a wet-nurse could be found for them at Heron. There was always a willing girl in the village glad to take on the job. As long as he could convince Felicity that the plan was in the boys’ best interest and that their satisfactory welfare was assured, he was almost certain he could persuade her. Maria would stay at Heron for a few more years — at least until he had found a wife who would care for Piers and Lorna as well as the twins. Perhaps he could persuade Maria to settle the portion intended for the twins on Felicity and then she and Lucas could greatly improve the quality of their lives and that of their children? But no — that bordered on bribery or appeasement. That would never do. Felicity would feel she was bartering. No, that idea was not acceptable. If only he could find a solution that was beneficial to everyone. Lucas, surely, would have no objection to the idea. They were not his sons. Possibly Lucas would support his idea and help to convince Felicity that it was the proper thing to do. They were Martin’s children and if he were alive … Of course, Martin’s death and the circumstances of it, might also weigh against him. Allan knew that in Felicity’s eyes he had killed her lover. Would she allow Martin’s children into the care of the man who had indirectly caused the death of their father? Would Felicity even agree to talk with him? This new thought made him go hot and cold with a momentary panic but he managed to thrust it from him. He must wait and see. If she did refuse his proposals, he would not lose his temper, he told himself. He would give her a month in which to reconsider. He would be patient and understanding. At all costs he must not antagonize her. She must be persuaded of two things — that life at Heron was best for the boys and that Allan was attempting to redress the wrong he had done Martin. His intentions were entirely honourable and Felicity must be made to see the matter in that light.

  In his subconscious mind, Allan was beginning to believe that in this way he could atone for all his past mistakes. Somehow his life, so dogged with misfortune, would take a turn for the better. A new and better life would begin. A clean slate would be presented to him on which he would write with love and hope. He decided, also, that it would not be ethical to approach Felicity without first speaking to Lucas. No one must accuse him of dishonourable behaviour. There must be no reason for anyone to fault him.

  He therefore went to the smithy as soon as he had refreshed himself at the local inn. He gave his name and enquired for Lucas and a moment later Lucas came out, his face already set in anxious lines.

  ‘You’re the brother?’ he asked abruptly. ‘Of him at Romney House?’ He wiped the perspiration from his brow with his forearm.

  ‘Aye.’

  Briefly, Allan outlined the reason for his unexpected visit. Lucas’s face hardened.

  ‘She won’t give them up,’ said Lucas. ‘And neither will I. You’re wasting your time. Good-day to you.’

  And he turned his back on Allan and went back to his work. Allan’s face burned at the man’s insolent manner but his heart sank at his words. It was going to be much harder than he expected. A young boy sat on the bench eyeing him curiously and from him Allen obtained directions to the cottage. He rode up to the door and heard a baby crying. A strange, and unexpectedly tender, emotion filled him. That was one of Martin’s sons. A new generation and new beginnings. He dismounted, tethered his horse, walked up to the small front porch and knocked at the door. The crying continued and for a moment nothing happened. Then the door opened and Felicity stood there, a tiny child in her arms. Her face registered shocked dismay and Allan felt her hostility in tangible waves.

  ‘I beg you, let me speak with you,’ he began. ‘No, I don’t beg — I insist I talk with you. I have seen Lucas. He knows why I am here. Felicity — ’

  He stopped, his attention taken by the baby in Felicity’s arms. The small face was tear-stained and the little body heaved with the passion of his weeping. Allan was overwhelmed. How could Martin have rejected the fruits of his own body — the children of his lover, Felicity? It was incredible. He was still staring when Felicity spoke.

  ‘You’d best come inside.’ No greeting. No friendliness in her voice. But what could he expect?

  He nodded and she led the way into the kitchen where the other baby lay in a double crib, awake but not crying.

  Allan looked down on it and saw the blue eyes waver uncertainly, trying to focus.

  ‘They are fine boys,’ he said. ‘Martin — ’ He could not go on.
>
  ‘Martin saw them once,’ she said. ‘I think he — approved.’

  She indicated a chair and he sat down then, as she remained standing, rocking the child in her arms, he stood up again. Allan was astonished at her composure. She must surely hate him and yet she said nothing. She watched him, waiting, as he searched for the right way to begin. He had practised many convincing openings but now, faced with the little family, the words fled his mind.

  ‘You spoke to Lucas — ’ she prompted at last. The child in her arms puckered his face and wailed tentatively and she lifted him briefly and kissed his head.

  ‘Aye … I told him I came to — with a proposition … I told him I — ’

  She waited again, her face impassive. It unnerved him.

  ‘I told Lucas — No, Felicity. There is something else I must say first. I — Martin’s death, you must believe it was an accident. You must believe that or else — ’

  ‘I do believe it, Allan.’

  ‘You do? Thank God! Oh, thanks be to God! I thought, at least, I feared — I dare not ask your forgiveness but I want you to know — ’

  ‘’Twas an accident and there is therefore nothing to forgive. If I must forgive you your temper … ’ she shrugged, ‘then I do. Your own remorse must be punishment enough. Indeed I pity you.’

  He looked at her, astounded, but a sweetness touched his soul and her words were like balm on a wound. And yet her face remained mask-like; nothing of her emotions showed in her eyes.

  ‘You loved him,’ he stammered.

  ‘So did you, in your own way. And he loved you.’

  ‘He loved me?’

  She nodded. ‘In his own way.’

  ‘I wish I could believe it. Indeed I do.’

  Allan groped blindly for what he wanted to say to her, knowing that there was no way to spare the agony of mind. ‘Martin,’ he began, ‘would have wanted the boys to — ’

  ‘No!’ she said quickly. ‘He did not want them. He was content to let me wed Lucas. It was his wish.’

  ‘Yet he — ’

  ‘He did not want them.’

  ‘Felicity, he certainly did love them. He — ’

  ‘Aye. Oh, he said he was proud of them but he did not want them. We must not play games with each other, Allan. We must speak plainly and only the truth.’

  ‘You are right. Forgive me. What I want to say — ’ He stopped again.

  ‘Say it, Allan.’

  ‘I want to take the boys — ’

  ‘The answer’s “no”!’

  ‘Felicity, let me speak, I beg you.’

  ‘The boys stay with me, Allan. They have no father now, and they are not going to lose their mother. There is nothing to talk about.’

  ‘And you will not even hear me?’

  ‘I am afeared to listen to you, Allan. I told you I would speak honestly with you. I am afeared that you will persuade me against my better judgement to do something I shall regret. Let me speak. Listen — I have two bastard Kendal boys and no husband. The Kendal father rejected them. Lucas loves them. He loves me. He wants to wed me and make a home for us. We will be poor but we will be loved and cherished. Have you anything better to offer? I doubt it.’

  ‘Will you listen to my offer? Will you give me a chance?’

  ‘I don’t want to hear it, Allan.’

  ‘For the boys’ sake?’

  ‘Say what you have to say.’ She sat down suddenly and for a moment the mask slipped and he saw the fear and weariness in her soft grey eyes. He wondered how Martin had found it in his heart to abandon her to a man like Lucas. He sat down opposite to her and she was silhouetted against the window, a madonna and child. The idea moved him and he had to make an effort to redirect his thoughts.

  ‘I propose,’ he said, without looking at her face, ‘that the twins should come to Heron when they are weaned to be adopted by me.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘I haven’t finished, Felicity. You said you would hear me.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I shall remarry shortly and my own sons would have to take preference with regard to the inheritance. But in all other respects they would be treated exactly as the other children — part of our family. They would receive a good education and marry well. They are Kendals, Felicity. You know it in your heart. You cannot deny them their birthright.’

  There was a moment’s silence. Her shoulders seemed to sag a little and her lips trembled.

  ‘I knew you would try to twist me with your words,’ she said, ‘but the boys stay with me. Your offer is kindly meant, I don’t doubt it, and I thank you for it. ’Tis more than Martin would — ’ He detected a trace of bitterness in her voice. ‘I think their future happiness lies here. I love them dearly, Allan. You have no children yet and I cannot expect you to understand. But I could not part with them. It would break my heart. I have lost Martin and they are all I have left in the world.’

  ‘You will wed Lucas, then?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Do you love him?’

  ‘No. I love Martin. I always will.’

  He looked at her despairingly.

  ‘And will you tell the boys, later, that they were born Kendals?’

  It was a telling question and he saw the doubt flicker in her eyes.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I can’t answer you because in truth I had not decided. Lucas will help me know what is best. It may set them apart from their brothers and sisters. It may not be wise.’

  ‘Is it honest not to tell them?’

  She hesitated.

  ‘Will they resent what you have done, if they do learn of it later?’

  ‘I cannot answer that, either!’

  ‘Do you know what is best for them, Felicity? Are you so sure? Think hard before you commit them to this life. You can give them much more. I know Heron is not thriving but Hugo was so stubborn. He would not reopen the mine and I shall do so at whatever the cost. I shall make it thrive, if it takes the rest of my life to do it. No, I will have my say. I shall bring out tin again from that mine if I have to break it out with my bare hands. I have had enough of tragedy and disaster. I am turning my back on all my mistakes and the rest of my life will be very different. I confess to my past errors. I have as many faults as the next man but I will not let them ruin my life. The time has come to tilt the scales and today is the first step in the new direction. Felicity, you must accept — ’

  ‘I won’t! I don’t!’ She bowed her head. ‘Leave us out of your plans, do you hear me? Take your bright future and I wish you all good fortune. I even admire you for your determination to rise above your unhappy past. We all try and we all fail at times. All we can do is what we feel to be right and honourable. You ask me to give up my sons but I do not feel it to be either right or honourable. I must follow my conscience in the matter, Allan. If time proves me mistaken, I must learn to live with my remorse.’

  The child in her arms, distressed by her behaviour, began to cry noisily and she stood up, greatly agitated, and began to rock him.

  ‘Please go,’ she said, without looking at Allan again. ‘I thank you for coming but you have my answer. You are a good man, Allan, and I wish you only happiness. But please go.’

  Allan hesitated and then stood up. He said, ‘If you change your mind, I am staying overnight at the sign of the Red Lion. I shall leave to go home at first light.’

  ‘I won’t change it, Allan.’

  He went out and closed the door quietly behind him, muffling the child’s cries. As he rode away he passed Lucas hurrying home. They eyed each other warily, each raised a hand, then went their respective ways without exchanging a single word.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Allan was awakened next morning by a knock at his door.

  ‘Come in,’ he called, struggling into wakefulness. The room was still half dark and the disgruntled innkeeper’s wife was glaring at him from the doorway.

  ‘There’s a young woman to see you,’ she said. ‘At this hour
of the morning! ’Tis a downright liberty to wake honest folks from their rest and I told her so in no uncertain terms but she would insist — ’

  ‘Did she give her name?’ Allan was struggling into his clothes as fast as he could. ‘Is it a Felicity Carr?’

  ‘Could be. I don’t recall the name although she gave it. Said it was most urgent. It had better be, I told her.’ She watched Allan with undisguised interest as he fastened his doublet and bent to pull on his shoes. ‘Friend of yours, is she then? Looked most upset — eyes all red with weeping, by the look of it. About so high, with light brown hair tied back with a ribbon. Dark shawl. In the family way, is she? That’s the usual way when a maid must see a young man urgently.’

  Allan, ignoring this last remark, pushed past her and went down the stairs two at a time.

  ‘I’ve put her in the front room — and I shall be about so there’s to be no nonsense of any kind. This is a respectable inn — ’

  Felicity was waiting for him. Her face, as the woman had told him, was blotched and ugly and she held herself taut with suppressed emotion.

  ‘Felicity! I hardly expected to see you. You have changed your mind?’

  ‘No, Allan,’ she said. ‘I have not changed my mind. But I have thought long over what you said to me and now ’tis I have a proposition to put to you.’