Torn

by Cat Clarke

  The more I thought about it, the more freaked out I became. What if I get separated from the group somehow? What if they leave me down there? What if I can’t find my way out and I starve to death after days and days lost in the darkness?

  I tried to talk to Rae, who was scrawling something in her notebook in between bites of toast.

  ‘God, I’m not looking forward to today. Have you done potholing before?’

  It took her a moment or two to realize I was talking to her. She shut her notebook and put it on her lap. ‘Nope.’

  ‘I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would want to do it. Anything could happen down there. But I suppose they wouldn’t let us do it if it wasn’t one hundred per cent safe, would they?’

  Rae shrugged. ‘You’d be surprised. Accidents are always happening on trips like this. You hear about it all the time.’

  ‘What? Seriously?’ It was hard to tell from her expression whether she was joking.

  ‘Yup.’ She wasn’t joking.

  ‘Great. Thanks. I feel so much better now.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ And with that, she got up and left. That’s what you get for making an effort with people.

  ‘I … I’m nervous about it too.’ Polly. I’d forgotten she was there. Easy to do.

  ‘Well, we can be nervous together.’ I smiled at her and she smiled back shyly.

  Neither of us had any idea just how bad it was going to be.

  It started off OK. The caves were a couple of miles away from the camp, so we had to trek through the woods. The rain had yet to put in an appearance, and the sun was at least making an effort to shine through the grey. The forest floor was covered in a thick bed of pine needles; I liked the way it felt springy under my feet. I almost managed to forget that we were headed into the bowels of hell. Almost.

  Tara was up ahead with Duncan, who was carrying a massive rucksack. Miss Daley walked a few steps behind, dwarfed by her own rucksack. If she fell over she’d never be able to get up again. We’d leave her there, flailing and floundering like a distressed tortoise.

  Everyone was wearing waterproofs and helmets with lights on – like miners’ hats. Some people managed to carry off the look better than others. Cass was practically born to wear this stuff. Her mood had improved and she was prattling on about the last time she’d been potholing and how deep she’d gone and stalactites and stalagmites and other subterranean things I had no interest in. I just wanted to get the morning over and done with as quickly as possible.

  Duncan ran through his safety spiel again and Paul checked the lights on our helmets, but my mind was elsewhere. I was weighing up my options:

  a) Tell Daley you can’t do it. You’re claustrophobic. This is your worst nightmare. You should go back to camp and help make lunch or something.

  b) Just get on with it and stop being so pathetic.

  No matter how tempting option a) was, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  I refused to look that weak in front of the others, no matter how scared I was. It’ll be fine it’ll be fine it’ll be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen. You are NOT going to die.

  Tara asked Duncan to double-check the chinstrap on her helmet. He had to stand really close to do it and she was loving every second. Daley was watching though, so that was good. Maybe she knew what Tara was up to – or at least suspected it. Or maybe she was jealous. Daley and Duncan had to be about the same age. Now there’s a thought: Daley bagging the hot guy before Tara can get her hands on him. That would be very cool indeed.

  The thought of doing a little matchmaking for Daley was enough to distract me for a couple of minutes. Until we actually entered the cave. Then the panic set in, as I’d known it would.

  It was dark and damp and dripping. Awful. I stayed as close as I could to Cass. Kept bumping into her every time she stopped. She was surprisingly patient with me; she knew how scared I was. Every step I took was one step further away from light and fresh air and normality.

  Paul was right behind us and kept on pointing out different rock formations and interesting (his word) algae. I concentrated hard on what he was saying, trying to ignore the panic crawling up my throat. On either side of us the walls of the cave seemed to be creeping closer together, preparing to crush us to a mushy pulp.

  I could hear Tara up ahead, laughing crazily so that her voice echoed all around us. Trust her to be enjoying this. Maybe she’s just pretending, to impress Duncan. Or maybe she’s just fearless these days. It seemed like I was the only one who was terrified at being down there. Everyone else was completely at ease, as if they spent every day in a confined space hundreds of metres below the ground. (The Tube doesn’t exactly count.)

  We stopped in a massive cavern and gathered round so Duncan could tell us about how it was formed. WHO CARES? JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE! I couldn’t even ogle his calf muscles to distract me – he wasn’t wearing shorts. Tara & Co. were right at the front, trying their best to look hot in their caving gear. Tara was the only one to manage it. She looked like an advert for Caves R Us or something.

  I turned round and saw that Polly was standing apart from everyone else, staring into space.

  ‘Hey Polly, how are you doing?’

  ‘Fine. I’m fine.’ She looked anything but fine. Hard to tell in that light, but I thought I could detect a greenish tinge to her face.

  ‘It’s just you look a bit …’

  ‘I said I’m fine.’

  ‘OK, as long as you’re sure.’

  ‘I said so, didn’t I?’ Ouch. Being nice really isn’t working out for me today.

  I meandered back to Cass just in time to hear Duncan describe the next stage of our wondrous adventure. He expected us to crawl through a TINY little tunnel. When he stepped aside to show us the entrance, I actually laughed. I was so sure he was joking. It was a mouse hole. Or maybe a badger hole. But in no way whatsoever was it a person-sized hole.

  Duncan explained how we should use our elbows to propel ourselves through the tunnel. It was only about fifteen metres long. Only fifteen metres. I am going to die.

  Paul went first. Even though he was a proper medium-to-large-sized man, I wasn’t reassured. There was no way I would fit in that tunnel. I’d get stuck like a cork in a wine bottle, no question. One by one the girls disappeared down the hole of horror. There were just a few of us left: Tara, Danni, Rae, Polly, me and Cass. And Duncan and Miss Daley.

  Daley suggested Polly go next, and Polly looked questioningly at Tara, as if asking permission. Tara ignored her.

  I whispered to Polly. ‘You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, you know. Tell Daley you’re not feeling well.’ I refrained from telling her I was thinking of doing exactly that.

  ‘No. I’m doing this.’ Her voice was shaky, but she looked determined. So I’m the only pathetic coward here? Wonderful.

  Polly paused for a few seconds in front of the tunnel.

  ‘Get a move on, Sutcliffe. We haven’t got all day. I want to make sure I get through before the tunnel collapses,’ Tara piped up in an overly cheerful voice.

  Daley scowled at her before going to Polly’s side. ‘Don’t listen to her, Polly. You take your time.’

  Duncan joined in. ‘It’s perfectly safe. There’s nothing to worry about. I’ve been through this tunnel like a hundred times, and I’m still here, aren’t I?’

  In she went. If Polly can do it, so can I. There’s no way in hell I’m going to be the only one to chicken out. I have to do this.

  And then she got stuck.

  9

  ‘Help!’

  We all gathered round the tunnel’s entrance.

  ‘I can’t move. I can’t move. Oh God, I can’t move.’

  Duncan stuck his head into the tunnel. ‘Polly, calm down! You need to calm down. You’re not stuck.’

  ‘I am! I can’t move!’ Polly screamed. Danni and Tara exchanged a bored look.

  ‘OK, I’m coming in. Just breathe, OK, Polly? Breathe. Everything’s
going to be fine.’ He disappeared into the tunnel, and we could hear him trying to calm her down, encouraging her to move down the tunnel. It was no good. She was crying now, whimpering and sobbing.

  ‘I want to go back. Let me go back.’

  ‘Polly, it’s much easier if you go forward. I promise you.’

  ‘No! I need to get out NOW!’ Her voice was completely panicked.

  Daley looked helpless, wringing her hands together and hopping from one foot to the other. Even Cass looked a bit freaked out.

  ‘OK, OK. See if you can shuffle backwards a bit – just a little. That’s my hand you can feel on your ankle. I’m here. Nothing’s going to happen to you.’ Duncan sounded super-calm. Not fazed at all.

  It took maybe ten minutes, but Duncan managed to coax her back out of the tunnel. Polly emerged feet first, gasping and crying. She collapsed on the ground and Daley rushed over. The rest of us crowded round, but Duncan told us to give her some space.

  Polly looked terrible. Her hair was all sweaty and stuck to her blotchy red face. She whispered something to Daley, and Daley grimaced. It was only then I noticed the smell. Polly had wet herself.

  Danni whispered in Tara’s ear. Tara’s eyes lit up with glee.

  Daley and Duncan decided it’d be best for us all to head back the way we came. Tara and Danni made a big fuss of being disappointed while I managed not to faint with relief. Duncan scooted down the tunnel to tell Paul to carry on with the others, then we headed off. Daley had her arm around Polly, who clung to her, shuffling like a little old lady.

  Duncan tried to keep things light-hearted on the way back, chatting with Tara. Cass and I hung back behind the others.

  ‘Well that was fun, wasn’t it?’ said Cass.

  ‘Poor Polly. It must have been awful for her.’

  ‘She shouldn’t have panicked. That’s the last thing you should do down here.’

  ‘She hardly did it on purpose.’

  Cass shrugged and then lowered her voice. ‘Still, I can’t believe she wet herself! Embarrassing or what?! She’ll never live it down.’

  ‘No one else has to find out.’

  ‘Alice, you can be so dense sometimes. Hmm … now how could people possibly find out? It’s not as if Motormouth Danni and Bitchface Tara were down there with us. Oh wait, they were. Everyone will know before the end of the day, I can promise you that.’

  I caught up with Tara and Danni on the walk back to camp. ‘Hey, Tara. Wait up a second.’

  Tara and Danni both treated me to their finest You are a nobody, how dare you interrupt our conversation? look.

  ‘Um … I just wanted to say … I think it would be good if no one said anything, about what happened.’

  ‘You mean about Polly pissing her pants?’ Danni laughed hysterically before looking at Tara to check that was the right thing to do.

  ‘I don’t think anyone else needs to know. It’s not fair.’

  ‘What’s not fair is us missing out on potholing and hanging out with Duncan in the dark, all because Polly was too pathetic to crawl through a poxy tunnel. Now, if you don’t mind, Danni and I were in the middle of a private conversation.’ She made a gesture to shoo me away. I swear I hated her right then. Completely hated her. I trudged back to Cass.

  ‘Looked like that went well,’ said Cass.

  ‘Oh, fuck off,’ I said wearily.

  Polly ran into the bathroom as soon as we got back. She emerged a few minutes later in her dressing gown, oozing shame from every pore. Daley took her clothes away to wash, but not before pulling me aside and asking me to keep an eye on Polly.

  ‘I’ve already had a word with Danni and Tara. We don’t need to tell anyone else what happened. It’s no one’s business.’

  I nodded, but there was no question in my mind – Cass had got it right. They WILL know. One way or another, they will know. A secret like this doesn’t get kept.

  We heard everyone else get back to camp a couple of hours later. They sounded excited and loud and full of life. The contrast with us lot couldn’t have been greater. Cass was snoozing with a pillow on top of her head. Rae was listening to music and reading a book. Polly was under the covers with her back to the rest of us. I’d tried talking to her, but she insisted she was fine.

  It was only a matter of time. I knew it. Cass knew it. Polly knew it.

  10

  We were the last ones to arrive at dinner. Daley and Mr Miles were in the kitchen serving us, since the catering staff had Sundays off. Jess, Paul and Duncan were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they were having a debrief about the day’s events. So there was no one to supervise the dining hall. Otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.

  I was behind Polly in the queue and noticed that Daley gave her an extra portion of mash. When it was my turn, Daley asked me how Polly was doing. I shrugged. That’s when I heard the crash.

  I left my tray in front of Daley and rushed round the corner into the dining hall. Polly was standing there, her hands balled into fists at her sides. Her dinner (complete with extra mash) was sloppily sliding down the wall to her right. The upturned tray was on the floor. EVERYONE was staring at Polly. And Polly was staring at the piles and piles of toilet roll that were on the table in the corner. The table she’d sat at last night. There was a teetering pyramid on her chair too. Someone had even gone to the trouble of spelling out Polly’s name in toilet paper, just in case we didn’t quite get the message. There must have been a hundred rolls or more. It looked like the whole camp had been raided for bog roll.

  Polly barged past me. Daley came out to see what the commotion was just as the whole room erupted into laughter. She took one look and then hurried out after Polly. Mr Miles came out and stomped straight over to the table. He flicked a hand at the pile on the table and toilet rolls tumbled to the floor, revealing Tara and the others looking the very picture of innocence.

  ‘Who did this? Tara? Danni? Tell me who did this!’ The room fell silent.

  Tara spoke up. ‘I don’t know, sir. It was like this when we got here.’

  ‘And you didn’t think there was anything strange about that? Didn’t think it was maybe worth mentioning to me or Miss Daley?’

  Tara shrugged. ‘Not really. I thought maybe someone was doing some kind of inventory.’ Anyone else would have burst out laughing. But Tara was cool as ice – staring him down, daring him not to believe her. I wanted to shout: YOU KNOW IT WAS HER! OF COURSE IT WAS HER! But I didn’t.

  Mr Miles told everyone to get on with their dinner, and Tara offered to clear things up afterwards. That was the masterstroke that convinced him she had nothing to do with it. Tara Chambers was some kind of evil genius.

  The only topic of conversation at dinner was Polly. Somehow everyone knew what had happened at the caves. Well, they knew the basics. Some people had added their own little details to the story. My particular favourite: Duncan had given Polly mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and she’d thrown up in his mouth.

  It was awful. Rae and Cass and I sat in the middle of the gossiping maelstrom, trying not to say anything that would add fuel to the fire. Polly would never live this down. Not ever.

  Daley came back after dinner and gave us a lecture: ‘I will not tolerate bullying blah blah blah. If anyone knows who did this blah blah blah.’ We’d heard (and ignored) it all before. There was nothing she could do. Polly had been chosen for this years ago. She was the sacrificial lamb. We ALL let it happen – every single one of us. We were just relieved it was someone else. Anyone else, as long as it wasn’t us. Nothing Polly could do would ever be good enough for us to accept her.

  By some sort of unspoken agreement, Rae, Cass and I headed straight back to the cabin after dinner. I passed Tara on the way out. She was armed with black bin bags to gather up the bog roll. I glared at her. It was the best I could do. She smiled back. I didn’t punch her in the face.

  I’d expected to find Polly a sobbing, broken heap on the bed, but she was sitting cross-legged on the bed looking perfectly perky
. She was putting moisturizer on her hands. Something about the care she was taking made me think of surgeons scrubbing up on those medical dramas on TV.

  ‘Polly, hi. How are you doing?’ I sat down on the bed next to her.

  ‘I’m fine.’ Before I could express my scepticism, she continued, ‘Really. I’m not going to let it bother me any more. They’re the pathetic ones, not me.’

  ‘Then why did you decorate the wall with your dinner?’ asked Cass, her usual diplomatic self.

  Polly shrugged. ‘For dramatic effect?’

  We laughed. Wow. She’s handling this way better than I would. I’d never want to show my face in front of that lot again.

  ‘You know who it was, right? That fucking bitch. Someone really needs to teach her a lesson sometime.’ Cass was properly indignant.

  Polly shrugged again. ‘Maybe they will. One day.’

  ‘It’d be nice to wipe the smirk off her stupid, perfect face.’ Cass had her ‘thinking’ look on. It was so obvious when she was plotting something; she was like a bad cartoon sometimes.

  ‘Cass, just leave it. Polly’s OK, and that’s all that matters.’

  ‘I won’t leave it. Tara can’t keep treating people like this and getting away with it.’

  ‘She’s been doing it for years and no one’s ever bothered about it before.’ I wanted this conversation to stop.

  ‘Well, it’s about time someone did,’ said Cass.

  ‘And I suppose you’re that someone, are you?’

  ‘Maybe I am.’ Cass grinned at Polly and Polly smiled back.

  ‘Whatever. I’m going to take a shower.’

  I gathered my stuff and headed for the bathroom, glad to escape for a while. Why couldn’t they just accept that Tara was Queen Bee and that was just the way things were. Nothing was going to change – not now. No one was going to be able to embarrass her the way she’d embarrassed Polly. I doubt Tara’s felt embarrassed for years. Except for that time she called a teacher ‘Grandma’ by mistake. But even then she managed to laugh it off in a way I never could have.