If I Return

by Bennett, Sawyer

  I shrug my shoulders. What is stopping me?

  I suppose it’s the fact that it’s just not who I am. I’m not one for casual sex. I believe in love and romance. I’m a real nerd when it comes to those things. Besides, like I said... sex with James was... nice. But I don’t miss it, and I certainly don’t crave it. I’m wondering if that means I’m just slightly warmer than frigid, or it could mean I really don’t know anything about sex.

  I hope it’s the latter, because if it’s the former, I’m thinking there may be no hope for me at all.

  Desperately needing a change in subject, I ask Audrey, “So... what’s on the agenda this week?”

  Audrey leans over the bed and reaches into one of her suitcases. She pulls out a folder and flips through the pages inside. Finding what she is looking for, she pulls out a single piece of paper and scans it.

  “Well... it looks like tonight, everyone is meeting for drinks in The Great Hall. Tomorrow, we’re all going skiing at Wolf’s Ridge. Then we have a trip set to go to the Biltmore, and then the rehearsal dinner is in three days, followed by the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?”

  No, not really. Not for someone that just wants to curl up on a cozy sofa in front of that huge fireplace downstairs and read a nice, smutty romance novel.

  “Yes... sounds like you’re going to have a load of fun.”

  “Oh, no you don’t. You mean “we” are going to have a load of fun. You know you’re invited to all these events. Jenna insisted when I told her I was bringing you.”

  “I don’t know, Audrey. I’m not good in crowds and strangers make me nervous.”

  “I’m not a stranger. I’ll be there with you.”

  I chuckle to myself. Audrey would be there in person, but she would be a million miles away from me in spirit. When Audrey got in a crowd, she was the shining star. Center stage and bright spotlights always lit her up. She would forget about me and I’d be the pathetic wallflower hanging out in a dark corner by herself.

  “Seriously, Audrey. You know that’s not my thing. You promised when I said I would come that you would let me just relax. I’d be doing that with Mom and Dad right now on a sandy beach if I hadn’t said I would come here with you.”

  Audrey sighs dramatically and flops over on her back. She even pouts a little. “I know... I just want my baby sister to have fun. I want you step outside the box a little.”

  “I know. And I love you for it. I’ll compromise though. I’ll go to some of the events with you, as long as you respect my need to have some quiet time, okay?”

  She flashes me a brilliant smile as she leaps from the bed. Giving me a huge hug, she lays a wet kiss on my cheek. “Awesome. We’re going to have so much fun together this week.”

  The Great Hall is crowded and I’m nervous about meeting all of Audrey’s friends. I’ve met Jenna a few times, and her fiancé, Landon, once. But past that, I don’t know any of these people.

  When I agreed to come down for drinks tonight, Audrey took it upon herself to spit-shine me. After I took a shower, she fussed and fretted over my hair and makeup for a full hour. My scalp is still slightly sore from the mauling that took place. She then proceeded to dress me in her clothes, proclaiming my baggy jeans and sweaters were not appropriate for a posh, winter resort like The Montgrove.

  I have to admit, though... I do look nice. For the first time, I would not describe myself as average. I think I’m slightly above right now. I will never have Audrey’s natural beauty or confident walk, but as I gazed in the bathroom mirror just a bit ago, I have to admit I’m pleased by the results. Audrey tediously blew out my long hair with the dryer and a large brush, so it was glossy and full of bounce. The makeup she put on me was subtle, all except for my eyes, which she lined with dark kohl. For the first time, I saw more green than mud irises staring back at me. She has me wearing a pair of black leggings with shiny, black riding boots. The scarlet, cashmere sweater that hangs off both of my shoulders gives me an air of sophistication that even I didn’t know I possessed.

  As we walk toward a large crowd hanging out around the bar, I nervously start to fidget and my palms grow sweaty.

  “Stop pulling on your sweater,” Audrey hisses in my ear.

  “I can’t help it. My shoulders are naked and I’m not used to that.”

  “You look stunning, and every guy here is going to have his tongue hanging out when they get a peep at you.”

  That thought does not inspire confidence in me. Instead, it just ratchets my nervousness up to Defcon 5. Maybe this was a bad idea. I stop walking and Audrey turns to look at me. She must see the indecision on my face because she grabs my hand and forcefully pulls me along.

  “Don’t even think about bailing. In fact, I’m going to pour a few drinks down your throat right away so we can loosen you up a bit.”

  Audrey leads me through the crowd, nodding at people in greeting, stopping to give air kisses to some of the girls, and even suffering a hard slap on her ass by one of the men in the crowd, to which she just gives a saucy wink back to the offender.

  Once at the bar, Audrey orders us two gin and tonics, a drink I’ve never had before, but I accept it gratefully. After my first sip, which burns like hell going down, I nervously take in my surroundings. There must be a crowd of thirty or so people standing around us, and they all seem to know one another. I see Jenna and Landon standing together, his arms wrapped around her waist. I take another slug of my drink and, while it still tastes like gasoline, I won’t deny I like the warm feeling in my belly that’s starting to set in.

  “Now there’s the sexiest, hottest FSU grad I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

  I hear those words and, for just an instant—a split second really—I think someone is talking about me, because...well, I’m an FSU grad. But as I turn around, I see Audrey is being lifted up by a bear of a man and hugged tightly. She squeals in delight and hugs the guy back. When he puts her down, Audrey turns to me.

  “Hope... I want you to meet a really good friend of mine. This is Carson Mills. He’s Landon’s younger brother and the best man at the wedding.”

  My gaze moves from Audrey to the man she’s introducing me to and I realize with surprise that it’s the guy that Jack was with today. He sticks his hand out to me. “It’s great to meet you, Hope. I’ve heard a lot about you but Audrey didn’t tell me her sister was knockout.”

  I shake his hand, even as my face flames hot over the compliment that is never given to this Camden sister. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

  “Hey,” he says excitedly. “I want you two to meet my friend, Jack. He’s here somewhere.”

  Carson starts looking around the crowd and my heart starts beating fast. He’s here? And I’m going to talk to him again?

  Suddenly, I have the urge to flee. The crowd, the noise, even the burning gin and tonic in my stomach, feels overwhelming to me. But before I can even move my feet, there he is, walking through the crowd toward us.

  I see my memory of his magnificence is not dulled in the slightest. He’s dressed far more casually than the other people around us, wearing yet another pair of dark jeans and this time a thick, black sweater that hugs his chest like a second skin.

  Carson reaches out and grabs Jack by the shoulder. “Jack, this is Audrey and Hope Camden. Audrey is Jenna’s best friend and the maid of honor. Ladies, this is Jack Freeman. My best friend from back home.”

  Jack shakes Audrey’s hand briefly, and then turns to me. “So... we meet again.”

  I nod, trying to think of something witty to say. However, I’m afraid if I open my mouth, a terrified squeak may slip out.

  Jack stares at me for a few seconds and then Carson is grabbing him away to meet other people. I stare after his retreating back, furious with myself that I’m such an introvert.

  Audrey bumps her shoulder into mine. “Well, that Jack certainly is some hot man-candy, huh?”

  I take a sip of my gin and tonic, just to get my t
ongue unstuck from the roof of my mouth. “I guess.”

  “You guess? You were practically undressing him with your eyes.”

  I’m horrified. “I was not!”

  Oh, God... please don’t tell me I was doing that.

  She ignores my exclamation. “So... when did you meet him? And how come I’m just hearing about this?”

  “We met outside when we arrived. I tripped and he caught me. We only spoke for a few minutes.”

  Audrey doesn’t say anything, just stares at me in an appraising manner. After several moments of perusal, I can’t stand it any longer. “What? What is going on in that perverted brain of yours?”

  She smiles at me wickedly and takes me by the arm. Leading me away from the crowd, she leans into me, whispering. “That’s it. He’s the answer to letting out your inner sex kitten. You should so have a fling with him this week.”

  “Are you fucking crazy? I am so not having a fling with him—or anyone—for that matter. Gross.”

  “Why not, Hopey? Why not just have some no-strings, curl-your-toes, shout-down-the-ceiling sex with that guy. I can tell by looking at him that it would be freakin’ fantastic.”

  “Because... because... it’s not who I am. I don’t even know how to go about engaging in something like that.”

  “Well, first... you don’t call it ‘engaging’. That sounds like a business deal. You just need to flirt a little with him, and trust me, nature will take its course. That guy is interested in you, I can tell.”

  “He is not.”

  “Is to.”

  “Not.”

  “To.”

  “Whatever,” I say in exasperation.

  I tilt my drink up and swallow the rest of it, reveling in the burn. “I’m getting another drink and we are not discussing this any further.”

  Audrey gives me a wicked smile. “If you say so.” Then she turns and walks away.

  I head for the bar, intent on asking the bartender to make my next drink a double.

  I’m sitting on a couch in The Great Hall, far enough away from the wedding party that I can actually think straight. Everyone is getting hammered, and I’m thinking about doing the same thing. Audrey dragged me around, introducing me to everyone. For someone that borders on painfully shy, the alcohol was just not working fast enough for me. So I finally took a moment when Audrey was telling a joke to slip away.

  Settling back into the low couch, I cross one leg over the other and sip at my drink. From my perch, I have a view of the west windows. Even though it’s completely dark outside, the outdoor lighting is strong enough that I can see fluffy snowflakes starting to fall. I sigh inwardly to myself, happy to see some snow. It’s like a miracle to a Florida girl like myself.

  And while I have no desire to go skiing—just the thought positively terrifies me—I think tomorrow I might walk around outside and play in the snow.

  “Those look like some deep thoughts going on in your head.”

  I’m startled out of said thoughts, which weren’t that deep at all, and look up in the eyes of Jack Freeman. “Hi.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  I shake my head and watch as Jack sits on the couch next to me. Turning my body toward him, I tuck one leg up underneath me. I also take another sip of my drink, needing the liquid fortification if I’m going to have a conversation with this guy.

  “I hate these things,” he says, waving his hand at the party in full progress.

  I smile. “Me too.”

  “I figured, with you sitting here all by yourself.”

  Staring into my glass, because I find it hard to meet his direct gaze, I nod. “Yeah. I’m not big on social crowds.”

  “Well, that makes two of us. I much prefer quiet conversation.”

  I finally gaze up at him and his eyes are the dark gray I imagined they would be on a rainy day. I’m sure it’s just because The Hall is glowing with nothing more than ambient light.

  Taking another sip of my drink, I desperately think of something to say. Anything that won’t make me look like a tool.

  But before I can even process a hint of conversation, Jack breaks the ice. “So what do you do, Hope?”

  That’s easy enough to talk about. “I’m completing my Master’s degree in social work at Florida State.”

  “That’s interesting. Is that where you’re from?”

  “Born and raised in central Florida... Orlando. What about you?”

  “I’m from a small town in Maine called Cutler, but right now I live in Kentucky.”

  “How did you get to Kentucky from Maine?”

  Before he can answer, a waitress comes up and asks Jack if he wants something to drink. “I’ll take a Sam Adams. Would you like another drink, Hope?”

  I nod. “Sure. Gin and tonic.”

  The waitress leaves and Jack grins at me. “You don’t look like a gin and tonic kind of girl.”

  I laugh. “I’m not. Audrey bought me one when we first got here and I just stuck with it. It’s actually pretty awful.”

  Jack jumps up from the couch. “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

  I watch as Jack disappears into the crowd, disheartened that our conversation lasted only two minutes. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what I said to make him leave, and although he said he’d be back, I seriously doubt it. I sit in silence, brooding into my glass, and finally take the last swallow. Setting it down on the table beside me, I start to stand up.

  “Here you go,” Jack says and I look up.

  He’s standing there, holding a glass of red wine for me. “I went and stopped the waitress from putting our order in. I got you a glass of Cabernet instead. That seemed more like your type of drink.”

  I take the glass from him and watch as he sits back down. He takes a sip of the beer he’s holding.

  “Thank you. That was incredibly thoughtful. And you’re right... this is actually my favorite wine.”

  He shrugs. “It’s no problem.”

  Taking a sip, I look at him in a new light. Suddenly, he’s not just an overwhelmingly attractive man, he now seems like a genuinely nice guy to me. I can feel myself marginally start to relax.

  “You were telling me about how you ended up in Kentucky.”

  “That’s right. I’m in the Army and that’s where I’m stationed at right now. Ft. Campbell with the 101st Airborne Division.”

  My eyes widen. Jack is actually the first person in the military I’ve ever met, and I’m a little bit in awe right now. “Wow. What do you do in the Army?”

  “I’m a helicopter pilot. I fly the Apache attack helicopter.”

  I have no idea what an Apache attack helicopter is, but holy hell, that sounds hot. “I’m impressed. You’ve made a very brave career choice.”

  Jack tilts his head at me slightly, as if not understanding my last statement. “I suppose. I just never really thought of my choice as brave. More like a duty.”

  “Duty? Are you following in someone’s footsteps?”

  “No. Not at all. My dad fishes for lobster and my mom is a pre-school teacher. I just meant... I just feel it’s my duty to my country. But it’s not going to be my career. I only have eighteen months left of my enlistment and then I’ll get out.”

  “What do you want to do after that?”

  “College. Better late than never, right?”

  “Absolutely. It’s never too late to go to college. But... if you don’t mind my asking... don’t you have to have a college degree or something to be a pilot?”

  Jack takes a healthy swig of his beer. “Not in the Army. After I enlisted, I applied to become a Warrant Officer, which doesn’t require a degree. After that, I was accepted into the pilot program. I just wanted to fly helicopters more than get my education, so it was the right choice for me.”

  “Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, Mr. Freeman.”

  “Why thank you Miss... uh... shit... I’m horrible with last names.”

  “Camden,” I say with
a smile.

  Jack reaches over and takes my hand. I watch, as if almost in slow motion, he brings it to his mouth. He grazes his lips across the back of my hand, and goose bumps break out over my arms. “Well, it has been a real pleasure to meet you tonight, Miss Camden.”

  He releases my hand and I let it fall back to my lap. Something is fluttering inside of my stomach, and I’m mesmerized by the way Jack’s eyes are burning into mine. Could he really be interested in me?

  Audrey’s words come back to me. Her suggestion that I have a no-strings fling with Jack this week hits me hard and I feel my cheeks heat up from the thought. There’s no way I could do that. Right?

  I take another sip of my wine and, suddenly, I have this urge to get very drunk and let nature take its course. Maybe if I can lower my inhibitions a bit, I could actually do something wild and spontaneous the way Audrey suggested.

  Jack slides closer to me on the couch and drapes his arm over the back of it. He’s not touching any part of my body but every cell in me is aware of him. His cologne hits my nose. It’s subtle but spicy... maybe a hint of eucalyptus. I swallow hard as I look up into Jack’s eyes.

  “I hope this doesn’t come out as a cheesy pick-up line, but you’re very beautiful, Hope.”

  “So are you,” pops out of my mouth. My hand actually flies up to cover my lips in surprise at that admission.

  Jack gives me a beautiful smile that melts my insides. “Now that is something I’m very happy to hear.”

  I’m not drunk but if I don’t stop drinking now, I will be perilously close. Jack and I have talked most of the night on the couch, enjoying a few more drinks and making small talk. He still sat incredibly close to me, but never made any move to touch me. Outside of telling me that I was beautiful that one time, he’s made no other overt statement to indicate that he’s interested in me on more than a friend level.

  We basically got to know each other, but not in an idle, chitchat kind of way. No... it was on a slightly deeper level.