by Eli Hai
Rivka remembered their first meeting. It was in the evening, during one of her many visits to her brother’s house. Usually, when the front door opened, little Hanna’le would run to her. But this time, Hanna’le was sitting on the lap of an unfamiliar man. He read the little girl a story from a book they were holding together. The child was so fascinated by the story, that she didn’t even bother to glance at her aunt. Under different circumstances, Rivka would’ve been offended, but now, looking at the handsome, intriguing young man, she forgot all about Hanna’le.
“Meet my sister, Rivka. Remember I told you about her?” Ahron stopped Jeff’s storytelling in order to introduce her.
“Sure, the one who laughs like me and is going to get married. Pleased to meet you. I’m Jeff.” The tan blond man got up, bowed, and smiled at her, but didn’t extend his hand.
“He’s already learned that our women don’t shake hands with men,” Miriam explained smugly to Rivka, who stood shy and flushed.
During that entire evening, she couldn’t stop sneaking looks at the young man who’d charmed her so. There was a reason Ahron chose him as his friend, she thought.
Rivka got out of bed, lifted the eaten apple from the floor, and threw it into the garbage. Then, she took the mishnayot and started reading. Reading mishnayot helped one atone for one’s sins, the rabbis promised. While reading, she focused on the words, although not very successfully. In the beginning, the betrayed Avraham-David snuck into her thoughts, and later, gradually, without her noticing, Jeff consumed all of her thoughts. She stopped reading, put the book on the table, sprawled on her bed, and then, curled her body and thought about everything that had happened to her lately.
She noticed that up to the day she’d met him, her life had been amazingly tidy. She prayed all the prayers, read all the Psalms chapters, and above everything, never ever forgot any of the mandatory prayers. Not even once! And now, who would believe it, but in one month she’d stumbled four times! Four times, God forbid! And God punished, too. He saw and followed her actions, read her mind, and would certainly judge her harshly.
He would punish her terribly. He would probably put her to death by torture, as befitting a sinner like herself. And all this, why? Because of a Christian, who had bewitched her and scrambled her brain.
But perhaps the change she was going through wasn’t about him? Why was he to blame? And if it wasn’t him, what was the source of that wantonness that had overcome her? Was it all Dvora’s fault, leading her astray and enticing her?
She thought about it tirelessly, until she finally reached the conclusion that the man she’d first met a month ago at Ahron’s house, and later saw time after time in the neighborhood, was the reason for the confusion that plagued her and threatened to consume her.
She started Saturday properly: went to synagogue, prayed devotedly, and when she came home, washed her hands, said her prayer, and ate the food her mother had prepared. When she finished, she devoutly said the Birkat HaMazon, and then went to her room. In her room, she tried to think only about Avraham-David, and she’d actually succeeded until she took a bite from that apple. Yes, the apple that had caused Adam and Eve’s misdemeanor in paradise had also tripped her, and since, all her thoughts had wandered toward Jeff.
She imagined his appearance. His smooth, tan face, sea-blue eyes, and blond mane. But more than anything, she thought about his strong, masculine body. He wasn’t skinny like Avraham-David. His body was sturdy and tan, like that man she saw on television at that mall that was filled with immorality. Once again, she fantasized about her body pressed to his, and how he’d embrace her with his muscled arms, and then kiss her tenderly, whispering words of love. Suddenly, the most forbidden thought of all sprung to mind: how she yearned to spend some time alone with him. Yes, alone. Consequences be damned! Indeed? Was she brave enough to go to him? Could she desecrate the name of God, and do that terrible thing? And if so, then how? Sneaking into his house wasn’t a complicated mission, but what would happen to her if she got caught? And if she managed to get all the way to him, would she have the nerve to kiss him like she’d imagined? Would she get to taste the flavor of love?
Love?
Of course, it wasn’t love! Was it possible that she, a God-fearing Jew, fall in love with a Christian? And if not, how to explain her powerful desire to spend time with him? Was it just sexual desire? No, it was not! Desire was the lot of wanton girls, and she wasn’t a wanton girl! Well then, what could be the reason for the thoughts that had plagued her and threatened to drive her mad? There was only one conclusion. When she thought about it, her entire body trembled: she was in love!
Darkness had fallen, and the rain had stopped. Rivka left her room and went to the living room to hear her father pray the Havdalah. After the Havdalah, she snuck out to the street, where her legs carried her to a place she feared more than anything. The place that could change her life from one extreme to the next.
Chapter 7
Darkness fell slowly on the Brooklyn boulevard, carrying a mysterious opaqueness. The soft golden lights of the street lamps barely lit the path leading to the basement apartment. In the weighty silence, the rustle of drainpipes, as the rainwater poured from the rooftops and splattered on foggy streets, was easily heard. It was cold, very cold. The many layers she wore didn’t prevent the cold from penetrating her clothes. Temperatures were close to zero and threatened to freeze her hands. Despite the cold, a film of sweat covered her body and her head burned. Her excitement increased with every step she made. She walked slowly, barely dragging her feet, which suddenly became unbearably heavy. Suddenly, she started shaking, shudders increasingly wracking her body the closer she got to the steps leading to Jeff’s apartment. Her heart raced crazily, like the heart of a sprinter swallowing distances as fast as possible. She stopped in her tracks, breathed deeply, trying to find some calm in the storm raging in her soul. She was well aware of the fact that she wasn’t supposed to do this. What did a Jewish girl have to do in the house of a Christian man who lived alone? For a moment, she considered retracing her steps, but as though the devil himself urged her on, her feet continued walking, carrying her to the unknown. When she arrived, she knocked so softly on the door that she herself could hardly hear it. When there was no answer, she knocked again, this time, harder. When she heard his approaching footsteps, she panicked, whirled around, and climbed up the steps leading to the deserted street.
“Rivkel, is that you?” She heard him calling her by her nickname like her friends and family called her.
She stopped. Then she tried to turn to him, but she seemed frozen in place.
“Rivkel, why are you standing like that?” he persisted.
She turned to him slowly, hoping the flush on her cheeks would disappear and she with it. She yearned for the ground to swallow her, so great was her shame.
“Come on down. Why are you standing outside? It’s really cold,” he invited her in.
It was very cold. Only then did she feel the freezing temperatures. She walked down slowly and hesitantly entered his apartment.
“There, now you’re warmer, right?” he said.
She nodded, still unable to find the appropriate words.
Jeff couldn’t hide his surprise at the unexpected visit. It wasn’t that he was displeased to see her, on the contrary. The harsh winter days forced him to spend most of his time in his apartment in oppressive solitude. And now, without preparation, he received a visit, and not just any visit, but a visit from his favorite girl. He questioned the purpose of her visit, for he knew that, according to her faith, she was forbidden to visit a man’s house on her own. After a brief silence, he said, “Make yourself comfortable, Rivkel. Sit down, and I’ll make you tea to warm you up a bit.” He pointed at the little loveseat and went to the kitchenette.
Rivka remained standing in place, silent. Only her wide, frightened eyes followed the sinuous movements the man who fascinated her so. She could hear a cat yowling outside. He must be cold, to
o, she thought. Did these howls hint at what the future held for her?
“I’m glad you’re here. Finally, someone visits me at this crappy house, keeping me some company,” he called from the kitchen. “Do you still have your coat on? The fire’s burning, and it’s hot here. You should take it off or you’ll catch a cold when you go back out,” he told her when he returned.
Wordlessly, Rivka slid out of her coat, unable to find the right words.
“I hope this is just a polite visit, and nothing happened to force you to come here,” he continued. She shook her head.
“Good, I’m glad it’s like that.”
“I shouldn’t be here,” she mumbled suddenly.
“Sorry? I didn’t hear you. What did you say?”
“I shouldn’t be here.”
“Why? What’s wrong with this?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.
“Don’t you understand? If anyone finds out I was here, I’ll be in big trouble, and so will you and so will Ahron. He’ll be blamed for opening his house to you and causing us to meet, and you, you can expect my father to run you out of here in disgrace,” she said agitatedly. Suddenly, she realized the gravity of her actions.
Jeff wasn’t surprised. Ahron had explained this to him before. “A woman isn’t allowed to be alone in a closed place with a man who isn’t her husband,” he explained to Jeff, out of his fear that Jeff would arrive unannounced at his house and find himself alone with Miriam. And now, he was alone with his sister. What did that say about him?
He remembered the day he first saw her at Ahron’s. He liked her from the start. She was a charming, vivacious girl, thin and tall, with curly golden hair and big blue eyes, her nose upturned and her cheeks pink. The many layers covering her couldn’t hide her attractive curves. There was something magical about her that made him want to spend some time with her. Was it love? He’d never been in love before. So if he was, how would he know? One thing was for sure, spending time in her company at Ahron’s house was really nice, and maybe even beyond that. He remembered being charmed by her looks, but he especially admired her wit, her maturity, and her wisdom. Her knowledge about world events surprised him and mostly surprised Ahron. He recalled the knowledge she demonstrated on the subject of the universe. “Scientists think there are life forms on other planets,” she told them importantly. “And that our solar system is just one of many. And what’s even more surprising, they think that parallel to our universe there are other universes. Can you believe it? And all this was created by God, His name be praised.”
“I didn’t know you knew so much about the universe,” Ahron said, looking in bafflement at his sister. “To the best of my knowledge, this isn’t something we’re taught in school.”
“It’s just some things I overheard a woman say to her friend when I was waiting for a doctor’s appointment,” Rivka lied, her face flushing.
When she saw that Ahron was having a difficult time believing her, she added, “And besides, the Rabbi Melubavitz studied astronomy, too, did you know?”
“No, I didn’t know. And besides, the Rabbi Melubavitz isn’t our rabbi. You should remember that,” Ahron responded sternly.
She’d interested Jeff back then, and now, here she was, a young fragrant flower, so pretty, just begging to be picked. What would stop him from reaching out, gathering her to his body, kissing her soft lips, and carrying her to bed? He was convinced that she would easily succumb, otherwise, why else would she come here? But he wouldn’t do it. He wasn’t a bastard. And she was an innocent, inexperienced girl. He couldn’t have a real relationship with her. What would happen to her if someone found out she’d spent time in the company of a man, and a Christian at that?! No, he wouldn’t do something like that. Hurting her was like hurting Ahron, his friend, a man who’d been so kind to him.
“You’re right, Rivkel, you really shouldn’t be here. It’s best that you go now,” he said with great difficulty and made a move to escort her to the door. “We’ll meet at your brother’s, where we’ll be able to talk without fear,” he urged her.
“I’m sorry I disturbed you,” she said at last and walked toward the door.
Suddenly, she stopped and gave him a long, sorrowful look. Then, she walked back to him, raised herself timidly on her toes, and pressed against his body. She brought her lips close to his and whispered in a trembling voice, “Kiss me, please! Just once! I’ll live in sin until the end of my days, if only you’ll kiss me one time. Please, just one time.”
Jeff was surprised, but before he had time to do anything, he felt her lips caressing his, hesitant, as though fumbling in the dark. Then he felt her tongue foraging into his mouth, which was slack from surprise. He heard her moan and felt her writhe in his arms, which held her tightly. Just for a second, he thought of picking her up and carrying her straight to his bed. Desire burned through him and madness consumed him. In a moment, he’d pick that forbidden wildflower that stumbled onto his path so surprisingly. As he burned with passion, misgivings tormenting him, she suddenly shoved at him, tearing herself from him, grabbed her coat, and fled tearfully, leaving him standing there, stunned.
“Rivkel, don’t go, please stay,” he managed to call after her before she slammed the door and ran up the stairs.
When she returned to her room, agitated and frightened, she was filled with remorse for the terrible crime she’d just committed. She’d sold her soul in favor of her body. She let carnal lust consume her. There was no greater sin. God wouldn’t forgive her; He’d send the fires of hell to finish her, she was sure of that. “What have I done?” she sobbed quietly. “I’m worse than Dvora. Even she doesn’t do things like this.”
After a long time, she calmed down and thought of him again. She felt the sweetness of his lips and remembered his warm, strong body pressing against hers. Then she imagined how he’d cradle her in his arms, like a prince in a fairytale, and take her straight to seventh heaven, to a place where they’d live happily ever after.
Suddenly, she was sure of her feelings. She really, really was in love. And love knew no satiation. Her love was boundless. Her love was uninhibited. She felt an uncontrollable urge to press against his body again, to rest her head in his bosom and inhale his sweet scent. To send a caressing hand to his hair and face, and kiss him passionately. To entwine her tongue with his, and sink with him to the depths of sin and pleasure. She closed her eyes, and pleasure filled her. A full-bodied shiver ran through her. Once, thinking about kisses filled her with revulsion. She thought that kisses were the lot of immoral sinners. And now, in such a short while, everything had changed. Now, she knew what a kiss was. A kiss expressed powerful emotions and a desire to connect with one’s beloved. Yes, she wanted to connect with him, and even, God forgive her, give him her virginity. Succumb to him completely and allow him to do to her whatever he wanted. From now on, she belonged to him, and only to him.
You wanton girl, she scolded herself angrily. This wasn’t love. It was the diseased desire of any street girl. Yes indeed, she was wanton like one of those cheap girls who sold their bodies for fleeting satisfaction. She wasn’t worthy of Avraham-David. She was damaged. Damaged! Lust had sunk its talons into her, and everyone knew that lust was the devil itself. That’s it, she was a goner. The yetzer hara had controlled her, consuming both body and soul.
Confused by the events of the day, she fell asleep shortly before dawn. After a short, restless nap, she woke up. However, the moment she opened her eyes, she realized that her life had changed forever. She couldn’t marry Avraham-David. Marriage was an eternal alliance based on a life of truth and trust. And even before entering this alliance, she’d betrayed Avraham-David’s trust. She was no longer as pure as before. She was damaged, a deformity that couldn’t be cured. She’d kissed a stranger. And that wasn’t all. Even worse was that she constantly thought about that stranger, who’d stormed into her life, and now, her only desire was to spend time in the company of a man who wore around his neck a gold necklace wi
th a cross. The thought scared her to death. Suddenly, her face was overcome with uncontrollable tics that she didn’t understand. Frightened, she ran to the mirror and looked at her face, which looked distorted. She pressed her lips together and sucked in her cheeks in terror in an attempt to stop their spasming, but to no avail. Afterward, she went to the kitchen for a glass of cold water, hoping that it would help some. Yet, when she drank from the glass, she gasped and almost choked.
“What happened, Rivkel?” her mother rushed into the kitchen in alarm.
“Nothing! Really nothing, Mom. I may have swallowed too quickly, and the water went down the wrong pipe,” she lied and hurried back to her room, leaving behind her startled and confused mother.
For an entire week, she barely ate or drank a thing. She hardly said a word. She spent most of her time in her room so no one would witness her corruption. Occasionally, her mother came to her room to bring her her meals.
“What are you going through, child? Does something hurt? Is something bothering you? Why aren’t you eating the tasty food I bring you? I’m cooking especially for you, all the things you love…” her mother asked, and Rivka would wave her off with noncommittal answers.
Then, an unexplained illness plagued her. Her fever went up, the spasms in her face continued and even increased. Her concerned parents called the doctor, who gave her a thorough checkup. “This girl lives in fear,” he declared. “I’ll prescribe her pills that will calm her down. Don’t worry, she’ll start feeling better soon, and within several days, God willing, she’ll be as good as new,” he assured the concerned parents.
