by Eli Hai
“With God’s help, with God’s help,” they mumbled.
At the time, Rivka had turned off her cell phone, mostly because she didn’t want Dvora to call her, and then, unintentionally, she, Rivka, would reveal her feelings. She knew Dvora was the only person she could tell what she was going through, that she’d always find a listening ear with her friend, and that with her help, she’d be able to get through those difficult days. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure she should talk with that instigator. Dvora could exacerbate her situation with her awful heresy. In the end, she decided she was better off not saying a thing and keeping her secret to herself.
But one hour later, Dvora came to visit. She burst into her room and yelled at her, “Why aren’t you answering your phone? What kind of friend are you? I’ve called you dozens of times, both to the landline and to your cell phone, I’ve left you a thousand messages, and it’s like the ground has swallowed you! You disappeared!”
Secretly, Rivka was glad that her friend came. Finally, someone would bring her back to life. But she couldn’t answer her friend.
“Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t you have anything to say? Cat got your tongue?”
“Stop, Dvora. Please, just leave me alone,” Rivka said and burst into tears.
“You look awful, sweetie! What are those tics? God above, something awful must’ve happened to you… I think I can guess what it’s about.” Dvora’s aggressive tone was replaced with a softer, placating one.
Rivka stopped sobbing and lifted her head. She looked at her friend. Did she know?
“That guy from the basement apartment… You have a huge crush on him, right?”
Well then, Dvora did know. The rascal had sharp senses. All her cunning friend needed was a brief slip of the tongue to find out everything. Rivka didn’t answer, but her silence was as good as a confession.
“Back when we were in the city, I saw your eyes shine when you talked about him. Obviously, something’s happened since then… nu, tell me,” Dvora continued, her expression amused from the new situation.
Rivka hesitated.
“Nu, come on. Spill,” Dvora urged her.
“I kissed him,” Rivka mumbled, and Dvora wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said. Care to repeat?”
“I kissed him,” Rivka weakly repeated her words, and followed her friend’s reaction worriedly.
“What do you mean you kissed him? Just a kiss?”
“Yes, a kiss. A kiss full of passion. A kiss full of sin. You do realize, Dvora, that I kissed a Christian man, right?” Rivka started crying again.
“Stop!” Dvora ordered. “Cut it out! Nonsense! Why are you crying? What are you, a little girl? So, you kissed a guy. Big deal!”
“You’re crazy, Dvora!” Rivka responded angrily. “You’re talking as though you come from another world. You know what will happen to me if anyone finds out. The rabbis will banish me, and my life will become a living hell. I’ll be wedded to a third-class man. Probably a cripple, or a blind man, or an old man with ten children! You know that’s how things are done here! So don’t try to pretend you’re progressive, okay?” she attacked furiously.
“What are you talking about? Who’ll make your life a living hell, who? Rabbi Ziegel, whom everyone says he commits homosexual intercourse with his students? Or maybe Rabbi Shmilov, the Torah prodigy, who for years it’s been rumored that he enjoys the company of prostitutes?” Dvora blew out a breath and then continued heatedly, “Oh, I know who you mean when you say ‘rabbis.’ You must mean the great adjudicator, Rabbi Ziegel, who sexually abuses every woman who comes to him for help. Yeah, well if those are the rabbis you mean, then they can all go to hell! I don’t give a you-know-what about them.”
Rivka stared at her friend with her mouth open. She, like everyone else, had heard the rumors about the community’s rabbis, but she was sure that it was nothing more than evil gossip, which was rife among the people of the Hassidic community. And even if that is the situation, she thought, why should I pry in the forbidden businesses of others? And then came Dvora, and all at once, shooting off a clear-cut unequivocal rant, slung at her the ugly truth.
“You know, Dvora, how evil gossip is. How do you even know it’s the truth? On this matter, the only thing to say is ‘Those who guard their mouths and their tongues guard themselves from calamity.’ You’re better off not saying anything else about this. It’s blasphemy.” Rivka sat on the bed, grabbed her pillow, propped it against the wall, and leaned her head on it. She felt smug that she’d heatedly defended people she considered completely righteous. Just for a second, the spasms in her face stopped.
“‘Those who guard their mouths and their tongues guard themselves from calamity,’” Dvora mocked. “You really think it’s plain gossip? You’re so naïve, Rivkel. Even worse, you’re a total fool. Let me tell you a story and listen carefully. Just the other day, when I passed by the Beit Midrash, Rabbi Zeigel stood at the doorway. He called me and asked that I come to his room, claiming that he wanted my advice on something. Yeah, right. When I walked in, he started praising me, saying how smart and beautiful I am. He said that of all the young women in the community, I’m the only one who seems to him like an admirable girl. ‘You can be trusted,’ he said and came closer, putting his hand on my shoulder.”
“And then?” Rivka asked in alarm.
“And then the dirty old man continued stroking me, and suddenly his hand slid under my shirt. I felt him knead my breasts. And mean old me, I let him get a bit horny, and then I jumped up and ran outside. I left the old pervert shocked and aroused,” she concluded, laughing.
“I don’t believe you,” Rivka stated, even though she knew Dvora was telling the truth. Dvora had never lied to her.
“Oh, you believe me! Deep inside, you know I’m not lying. These are the people we live with, and you think I care? I don’t because I know that one day I’m going to leave and live my life to my heart’s desire.” Dvora sprawled on the bed, rested her head on her friend’s legs, and her vivacious face calmed.
“Even if it is true, it still doesn’t change my situation. It’s not like I can come to them and ask them ‘Why are you punishing me while you’re committing such awful things?’ That’s how things happen here, and you know it,” Rivka said after she briefly thought it over.
“Regarding that, you’re one hundred percent right. It won’t help you, but at least you can live with yourself with a clear conscience.” Dvora felt as though they were on the verge of a severe dialogue. She sat down, stretched, and prepared for what was going to happen. To her disappointment, Rivka remained silent.
“Nu, Rivkel, why aren’t you saying anything?” Dvora urged her, disappointed.
“I don’t know what to say. Even worse, I don’t know what to do.”
“I’ll tell you what to do! Listen to your heart! Do what your heart tells you to do. Don’t be afraid, because what are the ways of the world? What’s life worth, if a person doesn’t do what’s good for her? On condition, of course, that she isn’t hurting anyone?” Dvora infused a philosophical aspect into the discussion.
“And what about my parents and brothers and sisters? If I go with a goy, won’t it hurt them?”
“It’s their choice! If they get hurt, it’ll be their own fault and, God forbid, you blame yourself,” Dvora answered resolutely.
Rivka was silent for a while, and suddenly, her face lit up as though she’d found a treasure. “I think I’m finally getting it. But other than that, reading between the lines, it seems to me as though you’re trying to protect not only me but mostly yourself. It seems as though you’re searching for justification for your actions, not necessarily mine.” She looked at Dvora victoriously.
Dvora was silent for a moment, as though caught red-handed, hesitating on how to proceed.
“Well, say something. What happened? Cat got your tongue?” Rivka mocked her.
“First of all, I want you to know that
no matter what happens, I won’t remain ultra-orthodox. I have no intention of marrying an ultra-orthodox Jew, going around with these restricting clothes and a bald head. I have no intention of giving up on my hair. If you want to give up on your golden curls, be my guest. Indeed, I’m protecting myself. And regarding this matter, you’re right, I’ve gone much further than you. …”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’ve gone much further than you…I haven’t been a virgin for the last six months.”
“What? God forbid!” Rivka blurted, and covered her slack mouth with her hand.
“Six months ago, I met a lovely, beautiful guy. After a month of passionate courtship, I consented. On our fourth date, I gave him my virginity.”
“And since then?” Rivka asked curiously.
“Since then, we meet once a week, sometimes even more. We make love in a secret place, and that’s it.” Dvora got up and strutted around the room like a woman of experience.
“And what about the future? Now, you’re having fun, but what about your future?”
“Everything’s going to be okay. I’ve already told you that soon I won’t be here. And I meant that.”
“Is he Jewish?” Rivka asked in suspense.
Dvora laughed.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Luckily for me he’s a Jew. But it doesn’t really matter. For them, the Hassidic leaders, he’s as goy as they come. His name is Adam. He came from Israel three years ago to study here.”
“And…does he love you?”
“I think so. He promised me that after he graduated, in six months, he’d take me with him to Israel, and we’d get married,” she concluded with a smile.
For the first time in her life, Rivka was envious of her friend. Dvora was at peace with her choices and happy, while she was torn and unhappy. Did she have the strength to turn her back on the ways of the Torah? And if she did that, what would become of her? Would the Blessed Lord protect her? No! God supported the righteous, not the sinners. Yet, was she walking down the path of evil? Jews that weren’t Hasidic, were they actually sinners? And if she chose to stray from the way of the Torah, could she ever be happy and in peace? While she tormented herself with these many questions, she hurried to the mirror and studied her hair. Her golden shoulder-length curls were so pretty, she had a difficult time imagining herself without them. No, she wouldn’t shave her head! Whatever happened, no one would take her curls from her. Even if she married Avraham-David, no one would cut her hair by any means! Her head would remain full of hair as it was. When she thought about it, her eyes welled with tears, and her cheeks began to spasm again.
Chapter 8
Sunlight caressed Central Park, blending with its pleasurable sights. The sparse clouds moved aside, a kind of gesture for the majestic creation. At the sides of the path leading to strawberry fields forever, colorful birds jumped, tweeting joyfully and gratefully for the sun that extracted them from the extended captivity forced by winter. Squirrels peeked from among rocky crevices, suspiciously examining their surroundings, and then jumped hastily to the sprawling green, cheerfully wagging bushy tails, showing them off to everyone. The water of the lake started flowing slowly. Ducks and swans quacked with joy, splashing happily in the cold water, and under the water, a plethora of fish circled. Occasionally, they leaped out of the water to enjoy the fresh air and then dove in again, leaving behind them little whirlpools that looked like aquarelle paintings on a transparent canvas. Tourist-laden boats left the pier and sailed to the heart of the lake. In the treetops, leaves that not long ago looked frozen and droopy stretched in place as though awakening from a deep sleep, savoring the unexpected warmth summoned by nature.
An unusual day of spring had come to town in the midst of winter, and the surprised residents hurried to take advantage of it, thronging to the park. Groups of casually dressed youngsters gathered in every corner. Some of them played odd musical instruments and wouldn’t stop singing, while the others danced with an abandon that brought to mind the contortions of acrobats in the circus. Eve was also there, among the crowds. Wearing a warm, custom-made coat, which adhered to the latest fashion, she strolled slowly, enjoying the sights and intoxicating smells, wondering why she’d kept away until now from this magical place, one of the city’s pulsing veins of life. Although she worked close by, she’d visited the park very few times. For her, staring at the park from her vantage point on the sixty-second floor was more than enough.
When she reached the restaurant at the heart of the park, he was already waiting for her. He rose hastily to his feet when he noticed her, walked toward her, and offered her a seat, his smile emphasizing sensual lips and white teeth.
She remembered that smile, which had first captivated her when he’d smiled at her through her office window. She smiled back and sat down, not before taking off her coat.
“Hey,” he said quietly, his eyes following her delicate movements.
“Hey,” she replied, looking straight at him.
When their eyes met, her heart started beating quickly and a flush covered her face. He was so close to her. She noticed every last detail of his features. His big blue eyes, startling against his tanned face with its light stubble. His beauty embarrassed her, yet nevertheless, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him.
“How are you?” he asked politely.
“Good, thanks. And you?”
“Just fine. I’m glad we had a chance to meet,” he said as he sat down.
“Have you been waiting long?” She changed the subject and surveyed the bustling, busy restaurant.
“Not really. Ten minutes maybe. Why?”
“I’m sorry you had to wait. I was afraid I’d run late. There were tons of people on the way, and I kept stopping everywhere to people-watch, so I kind of lost track of time. The park is full of buskers and funny dancers. It’s impossible to just walk by without stopping a bit to look at them,” she apologized.
“I know. I also stopped at several places, mainly where people gathered. The most interesting things always happen there. The human statues are the coolest. They just stand there for hours without moving, and all that effort for a couple of dollars. There was a guy and girl there who sat pressed together, their lips merged in an eternal mud kiss,” he said, emphasizing the word kiss.
“I saw them, too. I think that by the end of the day, they’ll have awful neck pains.” She laughed and added enthusiastically, “This city can drive you nuts sometimes, right? Look what’s going on here. We’re in the middle of winter, outside it’s so cold that any normal person would choose to stay at home, and still, the park is packed. A little sun and everyone’s outside. …”
“You really love this city, huh?”
“I love New York. It’s an amazing city, and there’s nothing like it in the entire world. What about you? Don’t you like it?”
“I’m still learning. For me, everything’s new. I’ve only been here for several months. Enough time to draw an impression, but not enough to fall in love.”
“Oh, I’m so silly. I should’ve known. I heard something in your voice, you know. A southern accent.”
“How could you have known? Not every person with a southern accent is new in town. There must be southerners in New York who arrived here years ago, and they still kept their accent.”
“Right. I, for example, was born in New Jersey, but I’ve lived most of my life in this city. That’s why I sometimes forget and think everyone was born here. Anyway, now we have an interesting topic to discuss. Let’s order, okay? I’m starving,” she said, her eyes searching for the waiter.
“Sure. I’m starving, too. I haven’t eaten a thing since this morning,” he answered, as though this wasn’t their first date.
Actually, ever since they met by the elevator at her building, they’d met only once, briefly. Jeff called and asked her to find him an appropriate venue of investment, and she invited him to the office. When he arrived, she welcomed him gla
dly, and it seemed as though she’d prepared for a long meeting. She even ordered cookies and coffee for them. But disappointingly, before they had time to drink coffee, she was summoned to an urgent meeting with the boss.
“Rain check?” he asked hopefully.
“Sure,” she smiled.
Before he left, he wrote a check and gave it to the secretary, who looked at the check and burst out laughing. “Seven thousand dollars! She won’t bother herself for seven thousand dollars. I guess she has some other reason…and honestly, now that I look at you, I understand what it is.” She winked at him.
Since that snatched meeting that proved, in a very painful way, the gap between them, they hadn’t been in touch. He held her business card in his hands many times and wanted to call, but at the last minute, he changed his mind. He was afraid their differences were too acute, and that she didn’t really want a serious relationship with him. And there were times when his curiosity to find out how much money had accumulated in his investment portfolio almost won out. Nevertheless, he curbed his curiosity and didn’t call. If she wanted to get in touch, she’d find her way to him.
And that’s what happened. The other day, in the late evening hours, just after he got into bed, she called. After exchanging polite chit chat, she asked, “We’re expecting some nice weather tomorrow. Would you like to meet in the park, maybe take a walk?”
“Yeah, sure. Great idea!” he answered, not bothering to hide his enthusiasm.
“Great, so it’s a date! We’ll meet at three, eat something, and then take a walk in the park. Does that sound okay?” she asked, and immediately continued, “I’ll have my secretary make reservations for us. I have a feeling all the restaurants will be packed tomorrow.”
“A good meal always sounds good,” he said even though he knew he’d still be at work at three o’clock.
When he curled beneath the covers, he decided to work only half a day the next day so that he’d be at the top of his game at their date. Who knew where things would lead to?
“So, how’s the stock market?” he asked as he perused the menu.
