Broken Leaves of Autumn

by Eli Hai

  After basic training, she went through classification tests and was stationed at a two-month course for secretaries at air force operational squadrons. “If you finish this course successfully, you have a good chance of serving in a combat squadron,” the classification officer told her. And Rivka, who yearned to serve in a combat squadron, invested all her energies in the course in order to succeed. Despite the difficulties that she still experienced regarding reading comprehension in Hebrew, her success was amazing. Even her commanders said they hadn’t seen achievements and motivation like hers before. Her joy knew no limits when she was informed that she was stationed at an air force base in the north. The squadron chosen for her was one of the best, the F-16 squadron.

  After completing basic training and the course, she felt wise in the ways of the military. She quickly realized what was required of her and did her job meticulously and dedicatedly. The pilots were fond of her and praised her work endlessly. Two weeks before the High Holidays, the squadron commander invited her to his office. “The commanders here have decided to give you a certificate of merit,” he notified her. Rivka was stunned silent, only the tears streaming down her cheeks disclosing her emotions. The sweet, fragile girl, always willing to help, about whom no one in the squadron knew her difficult past in the Hasidic court in Brooklyn, was liked by all. She had heart-to-hearts with the girls, joked with the boys, and only the soldiers who tried their luck and asked her out were rejected. Even the most desired pilots in the squadron were politely rejected. The reason for that was simple: Captain Yoav Sadeh.

  She’d heard of him the moment she arrived at the squadron. Even though he was lean and not especially tall, his reputation preceded him as a fearless pilot. She immediately liked his pleasant face. His brown eyes reflected calm, restraint, and wisdom. Unlike others, he always dropped by before and after every flight, interested in her well-being, discussing matters of the day with her at length. Mostly, she enjoyed it when he shared his flying experiences with her. He visited her office at every opportunity or free moment, holding two fresh bread rolls filled with cottage cheese and two cups of cappuccino that he brought from the top floor. Sometimes, he pampered her with candies from the canteen or treats his mother sent him. Unbelievably, despite spending so much time with her—almost every free moment—he didn’t ask, not even once, that she meet him for a date in the evening. Even when there was a movie at the base movie theater, he went with his friends and didn’t ask her to join them. She also liked that very much, that he didn’t make overtures to her like all the other guys. With Yoav, she always felt protected, and his empowering, embracing presence dimmed somewhat her memories of Jeff.

  One day, when he returned from flight practice, he sat next to her, and said sadly, “I don’t understand how it happened…”

  “What?”

  “Eitan screwed me over. We had an aerial battle for almost half an hour, and in the end, the bastard got me. Sat on my tail and I couldn’t escape. I made endless maneuvers, and I couldn’t escape that fox. And now that fucker went to tell all the guys. …”

  “Nonsense. You can’t win all the time. Now, you know you’re human and vulnerable. During the next flights, you’ll have to be more careful,” she said sensibly and stroked his gloomy face.

  “Rivka’le…” he suddenly said quietly. “If you’ll agree to go out with me tonight, I’ll score at least one victory. …”

  “How important is that victory to you?” she asked, not making it easy for him. But her twinkling eyes and palm, still stroking his cheek, said differently.

  “Very important. You have no idea how much…maybe even more important than my victory over Eitan,” he replied and pressed her caressing hand to his heart, and Rivka consented immediately. She noticed how his smile carved an adorable dimple into his right cheek.

  In the evening, before he came to pick her up from the kibbutz, she told Amir about the budding relationship between Yoav and herself.

  “Do you love him?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. But I really enjoy his company. We have a good time together,” she replied.

  “So, have a great time tonight.” She noticed his voice had become sour.

  “Amir, we’re family. I didn’t think you thought about me that way,” she said, surprised.

  “I know, Rivka. But I still feel that this is a missed opportunity. Maybe because we’re cousins, even though cousins also get married, even more so second-degree cousins. But don’t worry about me. I never thought the relationship between us would go any differently…but, you know, I’ve become attached,” he said glumly.

  “Me, too,” she said and hurriedly ended the conversation. Yoav’s car was waiting for her outside.

  Chapter 17

  The first rays of sunlight flickered through the overcast horizon. Only the early birds populated the streets, as silent as shadows. The silence was absolute until the sounding of lowing cows from the town’s outskirts broke the silence. After that, there was the roar of the bus, which collected the few people waiting at the station. Lazily, the bus embarked on its journey from Eloy to Phoenix.

  Jeff and his mother were among the passengers. Jeff took a window seat and stared indifferently at the desert vista. His mother preferred the seat facing him, so they could see each other and talk. Occasionally, Jeff took his eyes off the window and looked at his mother. He was sad to see that during his few years of absence, she’d aged greatly. Her hair was completely white, and many wrinkles creased her face and forehead. Her mouth was missing several teeth, which made her jaw shrink and made her look older than her years.

  Despite the short distance from Eloy to Phoenix, the bus journey was long because the bus driver stopped in every town to let passengers off and collect new ones. Jeff bit his nails impatiently. The prolonged journey was starting to make him uncomfortable. The awakening desert view, which used to fascinate him, seemed now monotonous and boring. Even the towering cacti displaying their amazing flowers didn’t improve his mood. He chose to focus on the thorny branches, which seemed to him more aggressive and threatening than usual. From time to time, his thoughts wandered to his sister and her illness.

  “The doctors say she’s depressed,” his mother had said when they spoke on the phone several days previously.

  “Do I need to come?” he asked hesitantly.

  “I think it’ll help her if you come. You always were a supportive figure for her,” she urged him to visit.

  Jeff didn’t hesitate. The next day, he packed a small bag and flew out to Eloy. It was strange, he thought when he packed. He was going back almost the same way he’d left less than three years ago. His bag was the same bag, and the jeans he was wearing were the same jeans he’d worn when he’d arrived at New York.

  “Should I come with you?” Eve offered.

  “The situation there is really delicate…” he hesitated. “I think it’s better I go alone. Besides, the stock market’s on fire now. It’s better that you stay.”

  And Eve respected his request, was even glad for it. The stock market was indeed rocky in the past several days, and she was better off preparing herself for the next days of trade, which might be critical. A week before, one of the companies announced that it was expecting heavy losses. The announcement elicited shock in the capital market and, as a result, all the share’s quotations plummeted. Then came other disappointing announcements from other companies, which exacerbated the situation. Even though Eve was expecting the change, and even though she reduced her investments significantly, the damage done to her investment portfolios amounted to millions of dollars. A similar day of decrease, and a significant chunk of the profits accumulated in her investment portfolios was lost. The frightened investors lost faith in the market and sold indiscriminatingly. Even her personal charm wasn’t enough to convince them to stay. In a special television speech, the president tried to assure the investors, but even his speech couldn’t ease the panic. Another trading day ended in a downward trend.

/>   But it wasn’t the stock market’s difficult situation that made her want to stay in New York. Jeff didn’t know yet, but her period, that was usually regular, was two weeks late. Her gynecologist made an appointment for her in two days. Deep inside, she already knew she was pregnant, but since she wasn’t sure, she preferred to keep quiet and wait for the results of the checkup. Furthermore, judging by Jeff’s conversations with his mother, she understood that it wasn’t a good time to meet his mother and sister. Let him go alone. She wouldn’t be another burden on him.

  “Tell me exactly what happened to her,” Jeff prompted his mother when he arrived at his childhood home.

  “It all started several days after you left. She became quiet and sad, barely said a word. Several months later, these strange symptoms started. Little inconsequential things that a normal person doesn’t pay attention to, really scared her. She’d get seizures, had a hard time breathing, and could barely speak. Then her situation deteriorated even more; she stopped bathing and changing clothes. She simply neglected herself awfully and spent most of her time in bed without doing a thing. I took her to a doctor, and she gave Pam sedatives. In the beginning, there was an improvement, and she looked as though she was snapping out of it, but a week later, her situation deteriorated again. She stopped talking and barely ate. Her situation was so bad that the doctor was forced to hospitalize her.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he asked.

  “I was afraid to worry you,” his mother said. “I know how hard you work.”

  “So, how long has she been in the hospital?”

  “About two months.”

  “And what do the doctors say?”

  “They hope that, with the help of medication and treatment, her condition will improve. They claim she has fears that are related to her childhood. One doctor told me, unequivocally, that these fears will disappear when she gets better.”

  “So the situation isn’t dire?”

  “Not dire, but not good. That’s why I wanted you to come. She isn’t getting better.”

  Jeff continued staring at the desert view, allowing his thoughts to take him back in time to the day he left Eloy. He recalled Pam’s reaction when he told her he was leaving for New York. All these years, he’d sensed his sister was suffering a mental crisis. The way she’d talked with him in the beginning, her heavy stammer, and more than anything her endless tears were more than a sign of what would happen. His main fear was that she would try to kill herself, but he hoped the situation wasn’t as bad as that, and that this disease wasn’t endangering her life. Could it be that all of this would’ve never happened had he stayed?

  “I shouldn’t have left,” he said. He took his eyes off the window and looked at his mother.

  “What?” she asked absentmindedly.

  “I said, I never should’ve left when Pam was so vulnerable. I should’ve waited a bit,” he clarified.

  “You did what you had to do. You had to think of your future,” his mother said with dry practicality.

  Jeff didn’t hide his surprise at her answer. “When I left…according to your reaction, I thought you were the one who wasn’t happy. …”

  “Maybe I was selfish at first. The way you left also bothered me. Then, I realized it was best for you. Don’t forget your father was alive at the time, and the thought that Pam and I would be alone with him scared me.”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  “No. He was very sick by then. He barely got out of bed. He’d go to the toilet, and that’s it. Sometimes, he would cuss…you know, his regular cussing.”

  “Say, Mom…with all the mess going on at home, I never understood why he picked on you being a Christian. As far as I remember, he never even went to church. What right did he have to upset you about it?”

  His mother turned to look at the window, as though wishing to avoid his eyes. “It’s a complicated story,” she said quietly.

  “Tell me,” he demanded.

  “I don’t know. …”

  “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? If it has anything to do with Pam or me, we have a right to know! You have no right to hide it from us.” His angry exclamation attracted the attention of the other passengers.

  “Well?” he prompted.

  “Maybe it is time you knew. When we return from visiting Pam, I’ll tell you.” Tears filled her eyes, and her lips quivered. And Jeff, paying mind to her distress, didn’t push her. He went back to staring sadly out the window.

  “I’m so happy you found your place and that you’re successful. By the way, how’s your wife?” she asked suddenly.

  When he told her over the phone he was getting married and asked her to come to New York to attend the wedding, she refused because of Pam’s situation. But what troubled him more than anything, was that she showed no interest in his intended bride. For two whole years, ever since he got married, she hadn’t asked a thing about her. Not even her name.

  “My wife? An amazing woman. I couldn’t have asked for a better spouse. Here’s a picture of her. Her name’s Eve.” Jeff took a picture out of his wallet and gave it to his mother.

  “Pretty woman,” she said. When she finished looking at the picture, she handed it back without a word.

  “And children?” she asked, unexpectedly.

  “Kids? Oh, do you mean is she pregnant? No. Not yet, but we’ll get there, too.”

  The bus continued its journey and a tense silence settled between Jeff and his mother.

  “The rates fell sharply yesterday on Wall Street and Nasdaq. Dow Jones fell 3.5 percent, and the Nasdaq shed 4.3 percent.” The newscaster’s voice broke the silence. “Commentators claim that the source of the crisis lies in investors’ fears that the companies they’ve invested in will collapse as a result of large losses they’ve accumulated and widespread downsizing. Tension is discernable in the market in preparation for the day of trading in just another hour. Many think that there’s no escape but to involve the government in market activity in order to prevent its complete collapse.”

  Jeff looked around. The dramatic announcement didn’t impress any of the passengers, who all looked like hardworking people that never even considered investing in the stock market. Jeff took his phone out of his pocket and called Eve in a panic, but all he got was voicemail. Then he called her office. Jessica, her secretary, told him Eve hadn’t arrived yet. Weird, he thought. Usually, even during trading, they talked. She always found time to talk to him, even about random stuff. It seemed as though she looked forward to their light-hearted conversations, the jokes that helped her take a break from her difficult job. So, why wasn’t she answering? He felt another burden settle heavily on him.

  The bus continued its tedious journey, red dunes rolling stubbornly behind the windows. Once in a while, especially when they reached a town, the primordial views were replaced with thick vegetation protruding from the ground, bringing with it a real change, until the bus returned to the asphalt roads. Damn, Jeff was mad at himself. Why had he agreed to his mother’s request to take the bus when his financial situation allowed him to easily rent a car? After visiting Pam, that’s exactly what he’d do, he promised himself. After a two-hour ride, they finally reached the center of Phoenix, where they took the subway to the hospital.

  When Jeff saw the white building, he felt his legs grow weak. Cold sweat covered him. The sign in front left no place for doubt. This was a well-known mental facility. A real nuthouse.

  “If you continue acting this way, you’ll get carted away to Stone-Wall,” he remembered the sentence with which his father used to threaten his mother.

  “What’s Stone-Wall?” he once asked the woman he worked with at the diner at Eloy.

  “A mental hospital that also has closed wards. Some of the patients are even tied to their beds so they won’t harm themselves or others,” she explained, and innocent, young Jeff was horrified to the depths of his soul. Now, he was entering the infamous facility.

  From the entrance
hall, he saw a closed yard. Many patients, most of them wearing white, shuffled around, looking like ghosts. The odd sounds and desperate cries they made reached his ears, even through the sealed glass. He knew that, in most of the closed wards, visiting was complicated and required scheduling in advance.

  “Don’t worry; Pam’s in the open ward,” his mother assured him, as though reading his thoughts.

  When he entered the room, he saw his beloved sister lying in bed, staring at a certain spot on the ceiling. He approached her, calling her name. Pam turned her head slowly, sent him a bemused look, and after what seemed like an eternity, sat up, reaching for him, sobbing and calling his name.

  Jeff leaned into her, gently kissed her forehead and cheeks, and held her for a long time.

  The nurse who was in the room was stunned. “Goodness, she’s talking! I swear, she hasn’t said a word since she arrived, and now she’s saying your name.”

  But Pam wasn’t speaking. She might’ve called his name, but all her other efforts to talk failed. It was as though she had no air in her lungs. She expressed her emotions by writing them down, telling him she missed him very much and that she loved him.

  “I love you, too,” he said softly, stroking her hand. Then he sat by her side for hours, telling her about Eve and New York. He noticed that his stories made her emotional and improved her situation. When he finished, she gestured with her hand that she wanted to come with him.

  “When you’re healthy, I’ll take you away from this place,” he promised.

  “No, now!” she wrote, and Jeff calmed her down, explaining to her that first she had to get better and, only then, would he take her wherever she wanted. He told her about a magical spot in Central Park where he and Eve loved to go to be alone, and promised he’d take her there. Then he went to talk with the doctor.