my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

  “You know. First time getting drunk...after the divorce. Well, hell, you already did that.” She smiled weakly, and I continued. “How about first date...after the divorce? First kiss...after the divorce. First time making love...after the divorce. It’s like you get a whole shitload of do-overs now but with more experience than you had when you did those things the first time. You can do them better now than when you did them as a kid.”

  She held her breath at my words and stared at me.

  Then, she leaned slightly forward and kissed my cheek. Her lips hit my skin and filled me with a scent of berries and lake, and I had to clench my fingers into my fist to prevent myself from pulling her all the way to me and devouring all of her, not just those sweet, full lips.

  “Thank you,” she breathed out as she settled back on the dock and stared at the night.

  “For what?”

  “For trying to make me feel better. For reminding me that there’s more to life than this moment.”

  But as soon as she said it, I was struck with a longing I didn’t normally have. A longing to have this particular moment last forever. Because lying on the dock in the dusk with this beautiful creature might be something I could do three hundred and sixty-five days a year. And that was definitely not in any of my plans.

  Wasted Love

  Pipes & Pills

  “I'm not supposed to love you no more

  I guess I'm not supposed to care,

  I held you so close, now I'm holding a ghost

  How can love just disappear?”

  —Matt McAndrew

  It was three a.m. by the time Wynn got home on Tuesday. She was barely functioning after covering the night shift at the hospital. With no permanent job available yet, she was just filling in for vacation schedules and sick leave. Quitting her job in Nashville had probably been a stupid overreaction to the divorce. But she couldn’t afford to buy out Grant’s half of the condo, and living in Nashville on one person’s salary wasn’t easy these days.

  At least she was still in the neonatal ward. It was where she normally excelled. But for some reason, today she’d found herself nearly bursting into tears as she’d situated a tiny baby under the heat lamp. The baby was so little, and yet, at the same time, it was enormous compared to the ones she’d lost. The ones she’d never been able to hold.

  She’d gotten really good at storing away those emotions while she worked. But it was as if talking with Lonnie about the babies had somehow uncapped the bottle she’d carefully closed off. She’d felt it threatening to spill over all night.

  By the time she got back to Derek and Mia’s, she was worn out both physically and emotionally. She tried to keep her thoughts at bay for just a little longer. Long enough to swallow a bowl of cereal and take her sleeping pill. If she could just get to sleep before the memories took over, she’d be okay.

  The only good thing about getting drunk with Lonnie was that it had been the first night in months she’d gone to sleep without using a pill. She knew she shouldn’t be using them as much as she was, but she felt like she had a good excuse. Life was shit right now.

  She had just enough time to sleep away the pill, and the thoughts, before she had to return for a two p.m. shift. The life of a floating nurse meant crazy hours.

  Looking at Jane’s empty food dish made her stomach churn. Everything had gone well with the kitten’s surgery, but they were keeping her another day for observation. Wynn hadn’t told Mia and had threatened Lonnie with death by fork if he spoke of it to Derek. She didn’t want their honeymoon ruined by worry for their cat.

  Not that anyone had heard from Mia or Derek. They were doing what newlyweds were supposed to do. Lose themselves in each other. They were at some amazing beach house on some private island that belonged to a famous person that Derek’s brother knew. It was quite a different honeymoon from her own brief adventure to Ireland.

  Not that she hadn’t loved Ireland. She had. It was where her family was originally from, and she’d been excited to see it for the first time. But it had been cold and wet, and they’d been soggy and grumpy after every sightseeing adventure. They should have just stayed indoors. Wasn’t that what honeymoons were really supposed to be about? Not for Grant. He’d wanted to sightsee. He hadn’t wanted to spend all that money and not be able to visit the country. Why plan a honeymoon where you want to see anything except your spouse? That should have been her first clue that their marriage wasn’t going to end well.

  She stopped herself from going down that rat hole. If she started, she’d never go to sleep—sleeping pill or not.

  She went to the sink and turned on the faucet which made an awful grinding noise and then gasped air, but gave no water. She turned the faucet off and then back on, and it made another gasping sound and then stopped.

  She wanted to bang her head against the counter.

  She’d deal with it when she woke up. She couldn’t tonight. She had no more energy to deal with anything. She put the bowl in the sink and headed to the guest room.

  Eight hours later, she woke to sunshine filtering in from the blinds. It was eleven. She groaned and went to cover her head with her pillow, but just before the pillow hit her ear, she froze. It sounded like running water. Not just running water, more like water that was overflowing from a bathtub.

  She jumped up and took off for the kitchen and slid into water, ankle deep, that was making its way onto the wood floors of the great room that had just been redone. The water was pouring from the cupboard under the sink.

  “No, no, no, no, no!” she cried, rushing to the cupboard. She opened it and was sprayed in the face, making her fall back in shock. Her pajamas were soaked, her face was soaked, and her hair was soaked. She reached in for the valve and tried turning it, but it wouldn’t budge.

  Panic filled her for the second time in just a couple days. She rushed back to the bedroom, frantically grabbing her phone. Her first thought was her stepdaddy who built houses for a living. His phone went directly to voicemail which was typical when he was on a job, often with earplugs in.

  “Daddy, it’s Wynn. I’m at Mia’s. The water pipe in the kitchen broke. It’s a disaster. I can’t get it turned off. Call me!”

  Then she dialed Mia’s daddy’s number. “Hey Scott, it’s Wynn.”

  “Hey, honey, how are you?”

  “Um, actually, I’m at Mia’s and the water is pouring out from the kitchen pipe, and it won’t turn off. My daddy isn’t picking up.”

  “Christ, Wynn. We’re out of town with the Swaynes. We took off to New Orleans for the week.”

  “You left the dealership without anyone there?”

  He chuckled.

  “It’s called being retired. We left it in good hands with Denise.”

  “The water is all over, Scott. I’m afraid it’s going to ruin the floors they just put in,” Wynn said, trying to calm herself down, trying not to think at all past getting the water turned off.

  “There’s a main shutoff valve outside. Should be by the meter. I’ll stay on the line while you go find it.”

  Wynn flew out of the house to the side of the garage, her bare feet protesting at the sharp rocks. But she found the valve and turned it off before running back inside with Scott still on the phone.

  “Did the water stop?” Scott asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m so sorry we aren’t there. If I come home now, it’ll be another eight hours.”

  “No! It’s okay. Now that the water is off, I can wait for Daddy to call me back. He’ll send someone out to take a look at it.”

  “Okay, sugar. I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m the one that’s sorry. Everything is such a mess.”

  “This isn’t your fault, Wynn. Mia and Derek have been complaining about the plumbing and the wiring in that house since they moved in. The kitchen was next anyway.”

  “I know, but I still feel responsible. They left the cat and the house to me… and now…” Wynn choked up. She didn’t want
to talk about the cat yet. She didn’t want to risk anyone slipping up and telling Mia.

  “I can come home.”

  “No!” Wynn said, forcing back the tears. “Really, it’s just water. I can clean it up, and like I said, Daddy will send someone to make sure we get it bandaged up for now.”

  “Okay. Call me back if you need me.”

  “I will. Have fun. Give my love to everyone.”

  Once she hung up, she put the phone on the counter without even glancing at it. She looked at the swamp of water that filled the kitchen and was slowly making its way onto the great room’s hardwood floors.

  Her brain was stuck in sleeping pill fuzzy mode. She wasn’t sure what the heck to do next.

  Towels. Lots of towels. And maybe a bucket. She headed toward the linen closet and grabbed as many as she could. She threw them on the water’s edge, making a boundary so it wouldn’t continue to spread on the wood.

  Then she stood there for a moment in shock.

  What a complete and utter mess. It was ridiculous. The cat. The pipe. It felt like someone was trying to punk her. Like she’d turn around and they’d flash a camera at her.

  She had only herself to blame, though. She’d known that something was wrong as soon as the faucet wouldn’t work. Why in the world hadn’t she stayed awake and dealt with it then?

  As she stood there, debating how she was going to get rid of all the water and yelling at herself for being so stupid, there was a knock at the door, and then it cracked open. She turned, hoping beyond reason that it was her daddy, but, instead, saw Lonnie coming in with the kitty carrier.

  They both stared at each other.

  Her in shock because he had the cat.

  Him in shock because of the disaster around her. And she couldn’t help it; she burst into tears.

  “What the—” Lonnie started, and then he moved forward and wrapped her wet body in his dry one. “Shh.”

  He patted her back awkwardly with one hand while his other still held the kitty carrier. As soon as she hit his chest and felt the tears soaking his shirt, she got hold of herself. She didn’t need to cry over spilled water. And the last thing she needed was to add to her regrets with Lonnie. She’d had so many already. She’d told him so many things that she’d never planned on telling anyone, let alone some guy she barely knew. But somehow, his presence just pulled at the silent strings she had tied up inside of her.

  She drew herself away from his arms.

  “Sorry. Why do you have Jane?” she asked, wiping her eyes.

  “The vet didn’t hear back from you, and we’d left my number as a backup.”

  Was there a call on her phone from the vet? She’d been dead to the world with the sleeping pill, and then when she’d pulled out her phone, it had been in panic. She hadn’t even looked for any missed calls.

  Lonnie stared at the small pond of water that filled the kitchen.

  “What the hell happened?”

  “Pipe burst while I was sleeping.”

  “Wow.” They both turned and stared at the water that was now oozing again through her towel barrier to the wood floor.

  “I… I don’t even know where to start,” she said, wishing she could fight off the lethargic feeling from the pill. Wishing she hadn’t taken it. Wishing she hadn’t needed it.

  Lonnie nodded, rubbing his hand through the scruff that had appeared on his chin. It made him look more like a lumberjack than ever. More attractive than ever. It made her want to run away from him.

  “Let me put Jane in the bedroom, and then I’ll come help.”

  By the time he got back, she had pulled out several bowls and was bailing the water from the floor into the sink.

  He took off his tennis shoes and left them on the couch, rolling up his pant legs before joining her in the kitchen.

  “Did you go swimming again?” he asked with a wry grin.

  Wynn looked down and flushed. Her thin pajamas were drenched all the way through. They clung to her skin and showed off her floral underwear. Her tank top was equally wet, and she hadn’t put on a bra, so her boobs were all but bare, showing every inch, including pebbled nipples.

  She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “I… uh.”

  Lonnie smirked.

  “Why don’t you go put some clothes on, and I’ll start here.”

  She didn’t really want to waste the time, but she also didn’t want to stand there pretty much naked in front of Lonnie. Sure, she’d gone swimming with him in her underwear and a tank top, but this seemed more scandalous somehow. She didn’t have a bra as a barrier acting like a bikini top.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  She took off down the hall, pulled on a pair of shorts and a bra with an oversized t-shirt before running back to where he was bailing water.

  “Do we have more towels?” he asked.

  “I don’t think so. But maybe some blankets and sheets?”

  “That could work.”

  They worked for the next hour to rid the kitchen and great room of water. When they were done, he helped her haul all the waterlogged linen to the laundry room, and they started what would be the first of many loads.

  She was exhausted again. Emotions and tiredness drawing her down into a depth she wasn’t sure she’d ever felt. She glanced at the clock; it was one.

  “Crap. I have to be at the hospital by two.”

  “I got this,” Lonnie said.

  “No, I’ll just call in.”

  “Aren’t you the person who covers for the people who call in?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “I got this. Go.”

  She hesitated, but she really didn’t want to miss her shift. It wouldn’t be a good way to ingratiate yourself as the newbie on staff. Sure, half the staff knew her from growing up in town, but that wasn’t an excuse to not show up.

  “Are you sure?” She looked at him doubtfully.

  “Go.” He pushed her out of the laundry room, and she went to the bathroom to get ready.

  When she came out in her scrubs, he had Jane on his lap in front of the TV. She was about to ask about the cat when her phone rang. It was her daddy. She answered with relief, “Daddy?”

  “Hey, kid. What happened?”

  She explained the mess in the kitchen, and he said he could have someone over to the house in an hour or so. When she said she was heading off to work, Lonnie said he could stay.

  “Don’t you have some other plans today?” she asked.

  “I have some stuff, but I can do it all on my computer,” he told her calmly.

  She just stared at him. He’d been so calm every single time she’d been around him. Drunk. Panicked. Sad. He just took it all in with a patience that was surprising. He’d been nice. Too nice. It was like he had shown up just in time to rescue her in her many failed attempts to take care of things this week. It pulled at her soul. It made her ache.

  She hated it.

  She didn’t want to feel anything anymore. She was tired of feeling. Her life was a mess already. She didn’t need any new feelings. As it was, she was already bringing all this negative energy into Mia and Derek’s life. Why didn’t they just ask Lonnie to take care of the house while they were gone? Had they really been afraid that this man would goof off instead of take it seriously?

  He was doing a better job than she was.

  But then, these days, everyone did a better job than her at everything.

  She swallowed hard, trying to shake the self-pity that wasn’t her normal self. What she really wanted to do was go bury her head under a pillow. Go disappear somewhere for a while until life stopped throwing arrows at her. Instead, she grabbed her keys and headed for the hospital.

  * * *

  She freaked out that night in the neonatal ward. They’d asked her to assist with a feeding tube, and she couldn’t. She’d been frozen, staring at the little human being. It seemed so unfair that this tiny creature required that kind of intervention.

  Then, s
he thought how she’d give anything for it to be one of her own babies. Because that would mean they’d be alive for her to touch and hold and, someday, tickle until it begged for a kiss. And that’s where she was at, lost in the thought of her own dead babies, when another one of the nurses pushed her aside and took over.

  The nurse in charge came up to her after and asked what had happened. Wynn’s response had been a burst of unexpected tears. Tears that had fallen for the second time in the same day.

  Disaster. All over again.

  At the end of the shift, she turned in her notice. She couldn’t do it. Not now. Maybe never again. It was like all the months that had passed between losing the second baby and Grant handing her the divorce paperwork had disappeared into nothing. Like it had all collided together. At this point, she didn’t know if she could ever prick another innocent baby again. Whether it was for its own good or not.

  She wanted to blame Lonnie for opening the dam and making her talk about it all. But she really had only herself to blame. She’d been the one that had gone to the bar, gotten drunk on tequila, and opened the gates that she’d carefully wired shut.

  It was two in the morning when she got back to Mia’s. She was looking forward to another sleeping pill and dreamless sleep, but when she got there, the lights were still on, and Lonnie’s truck was still in the driveway.

  She certainly hadn’t expected him to stay after the plumber had left. She hadn’t wanted him to stay. She really just needed him to be gone.

  She walked into the great room and found him asleep on the couch with Jane curled up on him. It was quite the look. Lumberjack in a tight t-shirt with a tiny cat curled up on his chest. Like all those pictures of new dads with their babies.

  Back to babies.

  She looked away. Gulping. Trying to get hold of the tears that threatened to fall again. Damn if she’d let them fall for the third time in twenty-four hours.

  On the coffee table were a bunch of photos. As tired as she was, and as much as the guest bed and her sleeping pill were calling to her, she couldn’t help but look at them. She brushed some of them aside to see the ones underneath.