my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

She followed. “But this isn’t giving it up for your sister. This is giving it up for that little girl who hasn’t had anything go right in her life.”

  “Fucking, Jesus Christ.” I slammed the cupboard shut, clutching a glass that I didn’t want.

  I put it down and clutched the countertop instead.

  Wynn was right.

  But fucking hell, I wasn’t ready to give it up. I wasn’t ready to walk away from it all. That made me feel like an even bigger asshole because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice for Edie any more than Lita had been willing to sacrifice for her. We both wanted our lives to go on as they always had even though she had entered our worlds.

  “You’re right. I can’t do this. I’ll just screw it up worse than Lita ever did.”

  Wynn approached me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I didn’t know what to process first: her body up against mine or her words. “No! You won’t. You haven’t. Look at what you’ve done already. She’s so much better now than when you first got her. You just have to figure out something. You can’t keep leaving her. That’s all she’s known. People who leave her.”

  I winced, the truth of her words stabbing me in the heart as I thought of my beautiful little niece and the revolving door of people that Lita had surely let into both their lives. Shit, I’d even left her when I moved to Tennessee with Derek. I thought about how she clutched to a cape that Lita had given her, because it was the only thing she had to remember the mom who’d left her behind.

  Somehow, through all that anger, and loss, and self-flagellation that coursed through me, Wynn’s arms grounded me. She reached into my heart and soothed me. Made me feel like maybe I didn’t have to beat myself up so much. That I didn’t have to be the jerk that left Edie again. It made my mind start to whirl in a different direction.

  “Maybe I could take her with us? Lots of people do it. Bring their kids on tour.”

  “Going from place to place? Like she did with Lita?”

  She was right. It was a crappy idea. But it was an idea.

  “I’d still be there every day and every night.”

  “But who’s going to take care of her when you’re onstage? Or rehearsing? It’s the exact opposite of the structure that Doctor Mallard explained,” Wynn said.

  I turned away from the counter so that I was facing her, and she removed her arms from around my waist. But I grabbed her hands, feeling that connection that always moved between us when our skin touched, and I spoke without really thinking it through.

  “Come with me. You come with us. Make sure I don’t fuck it up. Make sure we stick to some sort of schedule.”

  Wynn pulled away from me, breaking the connection, stepping back until her body reached the opposite counter. Only twelve inches between us, but enough for that wave of electricity to die in the middle of the air.

  “Me?” she asked, shocked, but then added on as if convincing herself. “No way.”

  “Why not? You said it yourself. You don’t have a job right now. You don’t have any reason to say no.”

  I’m sure she hated that I was using her words against her. I was sure she could think of a million reasons to say no. From the fact that I was a selfish asshole, trying to get the best of both worlds, down to the fact that she was divorced and trying to start her whole life over again without being encumbered by new baggage: Edie and me.

  But I knew that she was considering it more seriously than I could have expected when she said, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

  So I teased her. Because it was what I was good at, and it always seemed to move her forward. “I know. You’re afraid you won’t be able to keep your hands off me, right?”

  She laughed.

  “I don’t think that’s the problem, Leo.”

  I couldn’t resist. I closed the twelve inches that existed between us in the small apartment kitchen, and I looked down at her as I took her hand once more and felt her breath hitch. I smiled, knowing she felt the attraction between us. Knowing that it wasn’t one-sided.

  “Are you sure?”

  I stared down at her and waited while she fought for control of her breath, her eyes locked on our hands twined together. I found myself holding my breath, too, hoping beyond anything I’d ever hoped that she’d say yes. Because I had already faced the truth: I needed this strawberry girl in my life.

  I needed her in a way that I never thought I’d need anyone. I was terrified of that fact. Almost as much as I was terrified of screwing up Edie’s life. But I also wasn’t going to just let her walk out to meet a tall cowboy from her past without at least trying to get her to stay. To stay tethered to me, and Edie, and the possibilities that might exist.

  I DIDN’T WANT TO NEED YOU

  Dates & Desire

  “I didn’t mean to fall,

  Didn’t want to care at all.”

  —Heart

  Wynn looked down at Lonnie’s large hands as they surrounded her own, his touch making her body wake up and respond to some unseen connection between them as it always did. When she looked up at his face, she could see in his eyes that he was teasing, but that he was also very serious. He wanted her to come with him. To bring Edie and travel with them as he toured the country over the next eight weeks.

  It was intoxicating, the pull he had on her when he was this close and smelling like he always did—masculine, and musky, and so Lonnie—that it almost always overwhelmed her sensible brain. It almost always made her want to reach up and rub her hands along the planes of his face, to the corner of his tempting mouth. So, yes, he was right when he said she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands off of him. But she wasn’t going to tell him that.

  She pulled herself away, and he let her go. She got to the couch and picked up her bag with her textbooks in it and then the bag that had her clothes from spending two nights in his bed. Without him. While he was gone. While she’d had dreams of him coming home and waking her up in ways that made her body shake.

  She shook her head to clear it. To focus on what he’d asked and the fact that she had a date tonight with another guy. With Zack.

  “I…I need time to think about it.”

  He stared at her, taking in her shaking hands and her bags. He looked like he wanted to take them from her and force her to stay. She half wanted him to, which is why she turned away and opened the door before he could take action that she wouldn’t fight.

  He met her at the door but didn’t touch her again.

  “I meant it.”

  “I know you did.”

  She turned back to look at him in the doorway. Tired. He always looked tired these days. The burden he was carrying with Edie as he tried to adjust to having her in his life…it was a heavy burden. Yet, he hadn’t even hesitated to take it on, even though he hadn’t had a clue at the time just exactly how much it would change his life.

  He was a good man.

  She headed down the steps, and he followed her to the railing.

  “Have fun with Zack.” He said it with his normal teasing voice, but there was an undertone to it that sounded like he didn’t really mean it. More sarcastic than his normal joking.

  She didn’t respond. She just waved, got in her car, and drove away.

  * * *

  Wynn looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her cowboy boots and a t-shirt dress with a zig-zag pattern. It was unlike most t-shirt dresses in that it hit her figure in all the right places so that it looked sexy instead of like a nightgown that you were wearing in public.

  It was way more casual than she would have ever worn on a date before. Not in high school or college. Not with Grant. She’d never done casual with Grant. Probably because that was his whole life. Perfectly tailored. Except when he’d left for Thailand, he’d left behind his khakis and button-downs and taken only jeans and t-shirts. Like he was shedding a skin.

  It was time for her to shed a skin, too. Time to be just her. Not perfect Wynn. Not dressed-up Wynn. Not held-together-and-cont
rolled Wynn. Just Wynn. With emotions, and flaws, and comfortable clothes.

  She knew that that was the real problem with her marriage with Grant. They had both been what they thought the world wanted them to be. Their marriage was what everyone else expected. It had never really been them. Just the two of them. The whole world had lived in their condo with them, guiding every decision, every response, every action.

  Tonight, she had another problem. Because as she stared at her reflection, she realized that she wasn’t the least bit excited about this date. She wasn’t looking forward to going out with Zack at all.

  Part of it was because it felt rushed. Like she wasn’t ready for it. And part of it felt like she’d said yes because she was running from other feelings. Feelings that an idiot lumberjack was bringing out in her.

  What she knew for a fact was that it was a mistake.

  When her phone rang, and she saw it was Zack, she was filled with a sudden panic that she tried to hide as she answered the call. “Hi, Zack.”

  “Hey, Wynn.” There was trepidation in his voice, and she realized, with a sense of reprieve, that he was canceling.

  “You can’t make it,” she said for him.

  “I’m so sorry. I have to leave right now for Colorado. Things blew up with one of the contractors.”

  “It’s okay,” she told him.

  “No. It’s not. I really wanted to take you out.” Even though she could hear the honesty in his voice, she didn’t respond because she was afraid he’d hear what she really felt…the relief.

  “Can I get a rain check?” he asked.

  “Look—”

  “Don’t say no because I’m cancelling.” His voice was a quiet plea.

  “I’m not. Honest. It’s just…I realized as I was getting ready just now that it was too soon. So, you cancelling was probably for the best.”

  “Too soon?”

  “My divorce was just finalized a couple months ago.”

  “Oh. Wow. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It was probably for the best. But…at the same time, I’m not sure I’m really ready to be out there yet,” she told him truthfully.

  His turn to be quiet.

  “I can understand that,” he said finally.

  “Thank you.”

  “Look, I don’t think I’ll be back in Tennessee very soon. But when I do, would it be okay for me to call? Check in with you? See if maybe you’re ready then?”

  She didn’t know how to tell him no. She didn’t want to lead him on, but she honestly didn’t think she’d ever be ready for him. For Zack Trudeau.

  “That’s a no, then?” She’d taken so long to respond that he’d come up with his own answer.

  “Zack…I just don’t know.”

  “I can’t lie. It’s disappointing.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I feel like there’s always been this possibility of an us that life has always slid one notch out of our reach,” he said. It was sweet. And romantic. And a lifetime ago, that would have knocked her to her knees. But tonight, when she had her divorce and another red-haired man on her brain, it seemed like the right thing. For them to be a notch apart.

  “Sometimes life knows better than us what we need,” she responded.

  “Take care, Wynn.”

  “You too, Zack.”

  And they hung up.

  And she was filled with relief again. Relief at not having to go out. Relief that Zack hadn’t been angry or disappointed. Not that she could ever imagine Zack losing his cool.

  That had been Grant, too. He’d always just taken things in stride, and if she was upset, he’d calmly walk away. Not that she ever really lost her cool with him, even when she’d been mad. But he’d never let her get that far because he’d leave the room and come back later. Then, they’d end up talking rationally, and one of them would compromise, and they’d move on. It wasn’t bad. But it didn’t hold passion in it. It wasn’t slamming doors and desperate makeup kisses.

  She didn’t want that anymore. She kind of wanted the slamming doors and urgent kisses. She kind of wanted someone who got passionate and angry when things were wrong. And her head filled with an unwanted image of Lonnie’s face as he’d tried desperately to hold onto his control while talking to the lady at Lita’s rehab center.

  As she changed out of her dress and into a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, her mind went back to Lonnie’s question about her going with them on tour. She knew he’d said it for Edie’s sake, because he was trying to balance an impossible situation. But it almost felt like he’d said it for more than just Edie. Like he wanted her there, too.

  Which brought her back to the physical connection between them that was undeniable. That neither of them had acted on. If the date with Zack would have been a mistake, falling for Lonnie would be also. Because they were both still trying too hard to find their feet after their worlds had been turned upside down.

  She turned on her TV, and tried to lose herself in nonsense. But her brain wouldn’t stop, and she knew there was really only one answer to his question. One she was afraid of but knew that she’d have to give.

  She didn’t text him immediately, though. She purposely waited until she might have been home from her date, and he might be asleep so that she wouldn’t have to deal with his response right away.

  WYNN: Hey, Leo, send me the tour schedule.

  But he wasn’t asleep. He responded almost immediately.

  LONNIE: You just made me the happiest man in Tennessee. *smile emoji*

  Her heart leaped at his words in a way it hadn’t at Zack’s sweet comment about them and life. This was the bigger problem. That Lonnie was making her feel more than anyone had in a very long time. Things that Zack didn’t.

  She teased him back, trying to lighten the mood for them both.

  WYNN: Only Tennessee?

  LONNIE: If I said the whole world or the whole universe, you would have said I was bullshitting you.

  WYNN: It’s bullshit anyway.

  LONNIE: No. It’s truth.

  WYNN: Stop sucking up. I already said I’d go.

  No response for a while. Wynn turned out her light and lay there staring out the window at the moonlight that was streaming in.

  LONNIE: So this first went well?

  WYNN: ??

  LONNIE: You know. First date after the divorce.

  She sucked in a breath. She didn’t want to tell him that Zack had cancelled on her. She didn’t want to know what he would say, but she also didn’t want to lie to him. So she avoided it.

  WYNN: I think I suck at choosing guys.

  LONNIE: Maybe you aren’t meant to date boys from Tennessee.

  Wynn’s heart flipped again. Was he implying that he was better for her? A guy from California.

  WYNN: Men from Tennessee.

  LONNIE: I knew what word I chose.

  Was he right? Did she keep choosing guys who were still boys? Who hadn’t found themselves?

  WYNN: Takes one to know one.

  LONNIE: I hope you’re implying that I’m a man and not a boy.

  WYNN: Says the monkey boy who cracks a joke at everything and can’t handle a little bodily fluids.

  LONNIE: Says the man who took a drunk girl home and didn’t stay in the bed she tempted him with.

  That made her flush a thousand shades of red even in her darkened room. He had done the honorable thing after the wedding. But he hadn’t ever said that she’d tempted him into her bed. Had she? She’d been too drunk to remember. She can imagine that she might have. She’d been so set on trying to forget. Trying to numb herself to sleep. Her sane self had known losing herself in someone’s skin for a few hours wouldn’t have been fair to anyone, but she hadn’t been sane that night.

  She was silent too long. Lonnie texted again.

  LONNIE: I’m sorry. I am a jerk. I was just teasing.

  WYNN: You’re not a jerk. You’re right. A boy wouldn’t have walked away. Thank you.

  After a few mo
re texts back and forth, they said goodnight, and Wynn put the phone on the charger and turned back to the window. But she still couldn’t sleep. Still couldn’t shut off her brain that was full of all the boys she’d been with. Of Grant. Of Pete. She tried to place Lonnie in each of the situations that she’d been in with those guys and couldn’t ever see him responding the way they had.

  He was good. But he was also passionate. You could see it in his pictures. You could see it in his love for his niece and his sister. You could see it in his anger at his parents and at Lita, too.

  All she knew was that Lonnie was right. She was afraid of going with him on his tour. She was afraid that the more she spent time with him, the harder it was going to be to keep her distance. She didn’t want to need anyone again. To want anyone again. She didn’t want to fall and be left broken one more time. She hoped that they weren’t making a mistake, because she knew for sure that none of them could handle the loss right now. Not her. Not Lonnie. Not Edie.

  * * *

  Wynn woke to her phone blowing up. Cam’s and Mia’s text tones were piping back and forth. She groaned and rolled over to grab it off the charger.

  She scrolled through the messages to catch up. It seemed that Cam was coming into town this weekend to celebrate Blake’s grandparents’ wedding anniversary. She wanted to do a girls’ night tonight. Just the three of them.

  WYNN: I’m in! Sounds perfect!

  CAM: Sleeping Beauty finally wakes. How was the date?

  MIA: Wait. You went on a date with Lonnie? How come I didn’t know this? Who watched Edie?

  WYNN: God. No. It was with Zack.

  MIA: Zack Trudeau? Junior high Zack?

  WYNN: Yes.

  MIA: Wow. Talk about throwback Thursdays.

  CAM: Are you less grouchy now?

  WYNN: ???

  CAM: Do I have to spell it out? DID YOU GET SOME?

  WYNN: The date got cancelled.

  CAM: What!!!

  WYNN: It’s fine. It was for the best.*smile emoji*

  CAM: That shithead.

  WYNN: Stop. It’s fine. I’ll explain later. Where’s Derek going if we’re at Mia’s?

  MIA: As if you have to ask. He’ll be at Lonnie’s.