How to Be a Supervillain

by Michael Fry

  Octavia screamed, “You tried to kill my parents?”

  “Yes. Unfortunately, I missed,” said the Smear.

  “You were at the controls?” I said.

  The Smear shook his head. “When are you going to learn, Victor? I am not your friend.”

  I couldn’t speak. How could I have been so wrong about him?

  The Smear chuckled, “And now I’m going to take care of both of you… once and for all.”

  “Not so fast,” said a familiar voice at the door.

  It was Mom, along with the Sparkles.

  “Mom! Dad!” cried Octavia happily.

  “Where’s Dad?” I said.

  “He’s on lookout,” said Mom.

  Mrs. Sparkle pointed to the Smear. “And a fine job he’s doing.”

  I said, “He obviously slipped by while you were arguing.”

  “Heads,” growled Mrs. Sparkle.

  “Tails,” Mom growled back.

  The Smear looked at Octavia and me. “Wow. It all makes sense now. You can’t help who you are with parents like these. You were doomed from the start.”

  Mrs. Sparkle yelled, “Whip! Attack!”

  Nothing happened. Everyone looked at one another.

  “Whip?”

  Still nothing. Then…

  “What the…?” said the Smear.

  “ATTACK!” screamed Mrs. Sparkle.

  Whip attacked. The Smear defended himself. And then things got messy.

  They backed the Smear onto the balcony. There was nowhere for him to turn when he hopped up on the railing.

  “You’re not going to stop us!” cried the Smear. “You’re too…

  Octavia and I ran to the railing. There was nothing and no one on the ground below.

  “Where’d he go?” I shouted.

  Octavia cried, “I don’t see him!”

  “What is that?” I said.

  Octavia said, “It’s coming from the Common.”

  I looked at my parents.

  They both nodded.

  Then I knew. It was Mr. Awesome and Dr. Deplorable.

  The battle had begun.

  Let’s recap. Dr. Deplorable was on Boston Common to battle Mr. Awesome. The Smear had disappeared over the railing with the superstain on his way to Dr. D. The Sparkles were reunited with Octavia (but had a few questions about why she seemed to have helped try to shoot them out of the sky). Dad and Mom were monologuing. Again.

  “We have to get to the Common to stop the Smear!” I cried.

  “Wait,” said Octavia as she turned to her parents. “Mom, Dad… I’m sorry. I didn’t know they were tracing the call. I thought they needed me. I thought they wanted me.”

  “We want you,” said Mrs. Sparkle.

  Mr. Sparkle added, “No matter what.”

  “Oh, so that’s how you do it,” said Mom.

  “We need to go NOW!” I insisted.

  “Yes,” said Mr. Sparkle. “What’s the plan?”

  I’d had it with these bozos. No more Mr. Nice Supervillain.

  Mom’s eyes popped. “Now that’s my bossy boy!”

  “I think I’m going to cry,” said Dad.

  Octavia was at the door. “Are we going or not?”

  “We’re going!” I growled.

  Finally we went. Out of the hotel. And straight to the Common. When we arrived, I set up a surveillance plan to find the Smear.

  “The parents will circle the perimeter of the crowd for the Smear, while Octavia and I look from the front,” I said. “If you see him, don’t confront him. Call me. And we’ll call you if we see him. It’ll take all of us to stop him from using the superstain.”

  My dad walked up holding my black hat. “You left this in the van. Put it on. You never know when your superpower will kick in.”

  “Dad,” I said. “It’s not going to help. I don’t think I’m ever going to get superpowers or that I even want them anymore.”

  Mom said, “Superpowers, good and bad, are a gift. Put the hat on.”

  She said it in that supervillain-mom you’re-in-big-trouble-if-you-don’t-do-what-I-tell-you voice. I put the hat on.

  Everyone went about their tasks while Octavia and I pushed into the crowd.

  “Our top priority is to keep the Smear from getting his superstain to Dr. Deplorable,” I said.

  Octavia said, “How exactly are we going to do that?”

  I shook my head. “I have no idea.”

  We got to the front.

  “That sound again,” said Octavia.

  “Mr. Awesome…,” I said.

  “… and his Sonic Staff.”

  Octavia let out a breath. “Whoa.”

  Yeah, whoa. The biggest supers were battling for the fate of the world.

  And we had to stop them.

  No biggie.

  I scanned the crowd. No trace of the Smear. I looked back to the battle. The fans were really into it. They had no idea Dr. Deplorable was making it a real-life battle. But I knew what was up. And Mr. Awesome was figuring it out too.

  Nearby I spotted the referees, the Pollinator and Lasso Girl.

  I was just about to get their attention when the Pollinator dropped his water bottle and bent over to get it.

  I would recognize that underwear anywhere.

  “That’s not the Pollinator,” I yelled. “That’s…

  Okay, you know how time slows down during an emergency? Stuff that takes seconds seems to take hours? Well, this wasn’t like that. What happened next went fast. Super fast. I can barely remember the details. But I can tell you exactly how I felt.

  I felt scared.

  No, terrified. Like lying wide awake when I was six, waiting for the monsters underneath my bed to eat me.

  In the past I would have followed the rules for dealing with monsters, which was to put on my bike helmet and hide in the closet.

  But now there were no rules. I had to figure it out for myself. And it was obvious what I had to do.

  “I’m going after him,” I said.

  Octavia grabbed me. “No. Call our parents. You can’t stop him alone!”

  I pointed. “Look! He’s already heading toward Dr. Deplorable. There’s no time!”

  “No, Victor!” cried Octavia.

  I shook her off and took off after the Smear. As far as the fans knew, I was part of the act. Nobody stopped me as I sprinted toward the battle.

  As I grew closer, I saw he was holding the vials of superstain. He was about to hand them to Dr. Deplorable. I had to do something before he destroyed Mr. Awesome, the Truce, and…the world.

  No pressure.

  I jumped high and hard.

  I had Dr. D. down. I really did. He was completely at my mercy. I was just about to finish him off when…

  The Smear slimed me with a sticky-goo bomb. I was mired in muck, covered in ooze. I struggled, but it was no use. I wasn’t going anywhere.

  It was over.

  Except for the monologue.

  “Okay, I got it!” I yelled. “You’re the big bad guy. Good for you. I have just one question.”

  The Smear stared at me.

  “Why?” I asked.

  While Dr. Deplorable and Mr. Awesome traded blasts behind us, the Smear told me…

  Wait. What? Pretend? He was pretending? When? Before… or now?

  The Smear started to walk away.

  “STOP!” I yelled.

  The Smear didn’t stop. He was determined to help Dr. Deplorable destroy Mr. Awesome once and for all.

  I struggled to free myself from my sticky-goo prison, but it was useless. It was all about to be over. And I had a front-row seat.

  A front-row seat to watch it all end.

  I watched helplessly as the Smear and Dr. Deplorable stood over the sticky-gooed Mr. Awesome.

  The Common was scorched. The crowd was gone, having scattered in all directions the second they realized the fake battle had suddenly become very, very real. And very, very dangerous.

  “This wasn’
t in the script,” remarked Mr. Awesome from inside his sticky-goo prison.

  Dr. Deplorable smiled. “From here on out there won’t be any more scripts. No more playacting. All battles will be real. All outcomes final.”

  “You’re breaking the Truce,” said Mr. Awesome.

  “We’re nuking the Truce,” said Dr. D.

  “What about the Authority and the Purge?”

  “They’ll cease to exist, thanks to our secret weapon,” said Dr. Deplorable. “Show him, Smear.”

  The Smear produced two vials. “One is the base of tears of true sorrow,” he said. “And the other is the soul stain activator.”

  “A superstain that can stain a man’s soul?” said Mr. Awesome. “That is seriously lame.”

  “No. It’s my ticket to world domination,” said Dr. Deplorable.

  Mr. Awesome scoffed. “I don’t believe you. How do I know it works?”

  Dr. Deplorable smiled. “We’re about to find out. Smear, hand me the vials, please.”

  The Smear stepped toward Dr. Deplorable. He had a strange look in his eyes. And he was smiling. Then, just as he raised the two vials, I heard a voice scream…

  Dr. Deplorable raised the two superstain vials above his head with one hand, while Octavia squirmed in the other.

  Dr. Deplorable said, “Before we take out Mr. Awesome, we should test it first on Sparkle Junior here. I mean, we wouldn’t want to waste Mr. Awesome’s time with a malfunctioning soul stain…

  The Smear put his hands up. “Trust me, it works. You don’t have to test it.”

  “Trust you? The man who branded my forehead with a wiener dog?” said Dr. Deplorable. “I think not. Now hold still, sweetie.”

  “NO!” I screamed from my sticky-goo trap. “Let her go. Test it on me!”

  “What difference does it make?” asked Dr. Deplorable.

  “She has no soul!” I yelled. “I do!”

  Octavia said, “Hey!”

  “That was mean,” said Dr. D. “Although you did try to kill your parents, so he sort of has a point.”

  “You set me up!” cried Octavia.

  “But you enjoyed it. I could tell,” said Dr. Deplorable.

  Dr. D. let Octavia go. “Release the boy and let’s get this over with,” he said to the Smear.

  Octavia ran to her parents. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad rushed the Smear. He stood in front of me and pointed his Stain Blaster at my parents.

  “No!” I shouted.

  The Smear yanked me out of the goo and smiled. “Let’s go stain a soul, shall we?”

  “NO!” I screamed. “Let’s not!”

  He threw me over his shoulder and carried me toward Dr. Deplorable.

  “Put me down!” I screamed.

  But he didn’t seem to hear me. I twisted my head to look up. It was like he was in a trance, with his eyes narrowed and his lips twisted into a cruel, stain-eating grin.

  “Mr. Smear, please!” I begged. “This isn’t who you are! You said you needed me. You said we were in this together. Always! Remember? Remember?”

  But he didn’t answer. I looked back at my parents, flailing in the sticky goo. They couldn’t help me. I turned to find Octavia struggling as her parents held her back.

  “Victor, no!” she yelled.

  “It’s okay,” I said to Octavia. “I’ll be okay.”

  We approached Dr. Deplorable and stopped. He stood with one foot on Mr. Awesome’s neck.

  “Wait,” said the Smear. “Let me do it.”

  “What?” I cried.

  The Smear pointed to Dr. Deplorable’s tattoo. “After what I did to you, I have to prove my loyalty. What better way than to destroy my former apprentice?”

  “You really are evil!” I yelled.

  Dr. Deplorable smiled. “I’ve always had my doubts, but when he opened fire on your plane, I knew he had the wrong stuff. Supervillains can smell these things, and the Smear here smells like fire and weasels and putrid rotting eggplant with just a hint of nutmeg.”

  The Smear grinned back. “Just a hint.”

  Dr. Deplorable handed the two vials to the Smear.

  As the Smear took the soul stain, I could feel my whole body start to shake. “No! Please, no!”

  The Smear poured the stain activator into the tears of true sorrow, then he turned to me. “This will all be over soon.”

  “How can you do this?” I said.

  “Easy. Once you figure out who you really are, deep down, then you have the power to do exactly what needs to be done.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You will. Someday soon, you will.”

  “Please don’t,” I pleaded.

  The Smear smiled. “I have to. I don’t have a choice.”

  “You always have a choice,” I said.

  “Not this time.”

  One last-ditch effort to save my soul…

  I looked him in the eyes. “This isn’t you.”

  The Smear winked. “You’re right…”

  The Smear and I stood over what was left of Dr. Deplorable.

  I said, “You stopped pretending.”

  The Smear smiled. “And did my job.”

  “You were trying to take Dr. Deplorable down the whole time?” I asked.

  “Not the whole time,” said the Smear. “In the beginning, when we first met, I was just trying to make a comeback. But once Dr. D. showed up, I knew he would never let that happen, because I’m the only one who knows his weakness.”

  “Tickling. His weakness turned out to be my superpower?”

  “Who knew?”

  “Whoa!” It was still hard to believe.

  “Once he monologued his plan, I had no choice but to turn on you so he would leave you alone.”

  “In order to save me.”

  The Smear smiled. “In order to save everybody!”

  “But wait,” I said. “I still have one question.”

  “Always with the questions.”

  “Why save anybody? You’re a supervillain. You could have gone along with Dr. D. and taken over the world. That would have been the ultimate comeback!”

  “It was you.”

  “Me?”

  “It’s true,” said Mr. Awesome, who was eavesdropping.

  “So I’m the Tickler,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know it’s weird,” said the Smear. “You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your superpower.”

  “That’s gross.”

  The Smear shrugged. “I’m a supervillain.”

  “Me too!” I said.

  The Smear smiled. “You too.”

  Octavia ran up to the Smear. She wasn’t happy. “Hey, you used me to get the coordinates on the plane!”

  “If I had wanted to shoot the plane down, I would’ve shot the plane down,” said the Smear. “It was just to stay in Dr. Deplorable’s good graces.”

  Mr. Awesome stuck his hand out to the Smear. “I suppose a thank-you is in order.”

  The Smear shook his hand. “Just doing my job.”

  “Pretending to be a supervillain,” said Mr. Awesome.

  “No, not pretending. I acted to save the people I care about. Rest assured I still hate you with every fiber of my being,” said the Smear. “I just don’t hate myself anymore. Victor here helped me see it takes a hero to make a villain.”

  I smiled.

  The Smear put his hand over his mouth. “Did I just say that out loud?”

  “You are a hero,” I said.

  “Language!” cried the Smear. “You kiss your mom with that mouth?”

  “Not until now,” said my mom, dripping with sticky goo. She came up to me, put her arms out, and gave me a real hug. With touching and everything! Then—gasp!—she kissed my forehead.

  “That felt weird,” said Mom.

  “That felt good,” I said.

  Meanwhile, Dr. Deplorable was coming to.

  “What happened?” asked Dr. Deplorable. “Where am I?”

  “Is he still a threat?” I a
sked.

  “Not anymore,” said the Smear.

  Mr. Awesome approached Octavia and me. “I think you two have a very bright future in the superworld. I can pull a few strings. How would you like to move up in the ranks?”

  Octavia and I looked at each other. Then looked at our parents.

  “Do I have to be a hero?” asked Octavia.

  Her parents winced.

  “Do I have to be a villain?” I asked.

  My parents sighed.

  “Whatever you want,” said Mr. Awesome.

  I looked at the Smear and smiled.

  In the end Octavia and I decided to stay in our respective supercorners. I’m now…

  Yeah, it’s lame until I get you on those sensitive spots on your sides just below your rib cage. It’s torture! Well, not real torture. Fun torture. If you think about it, it’s the perfect superpower for me. I can lay you out, but I can’t really hurt you, and you’ll be laughing the whole time. I can be bad but still be good. You know, in a bad way that’s actually good.

  Sort of. I think. Let’s move on.

  As for Octavia, she got her superpower a few weeks later (which I tease her about constantly). Are you ready for this? Seriously, she’s now…