I wasn’t sure what I gave away and what I didn’t anymore. I had desire, I knew it was there, bubbling up like some ember or spark, but then I’d shut it down out of fear. I didn’t know how to let it live inside of me anymore.
Steel turned to me, “You up for a ride?”
“Sure,” I had nowhere else to be. I trusted him to get me home safely later. That was the thing, I trusted him in some ways, I just wasn’t sure I trusted myself.
The radio played older classic rock, but the volume was kept soft. It was background music, not overwhelming.
“Who hurt you,” he asked, going sixty down a two lane highway.
“Too many people,” was all I answered, staring out the window into the dark night.
“Will you tell me?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“The people I told shut me down, made me feel like a fool. Why would I put myself through that again?”
“You can talk to me.”
“I barely know you.”
“You don’t have anyone else left, do you?”
I shrugged. “It’s more than you want to hear.”
“I can handle it, I’ve got big shoulders.” He gently pulled the car into an open lot of a market that was closed for the night.
“My step-brother,” was all I could get out. I choked the words out, wondering why I even spoke them.
I saw the vein in his temple move – but his face showed nothing else.
“What did he do?”
“Forced himself on me,” I finished. “I can’t talk about this anymore.”
His knuckles went white, gripping the steering wheel, as his jaw clenched. “Bastard,” he sneered under his breath. “I’ll kill him,” he started, and then pulled it back.
I sucked air, not sure what to make of his reaction. It was stronger than I expected.
“And your parents?”
“What parents?” I said, making my point. “Parents don’t shit on you after something like that, like mine did. They’re strangers to me.”
Turning to me, “How long has it been?”
“A year, year and a half.”
“It took my sister about two years to feel whole again,” he said quietly. “She went through something with a guy.”
“Did you hurt him?”
“Yeah, but I stopped before I killed him, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I didn’t know what to think, what to say, but I couldn’t look away.
He took me home, but I didn’t want to get out of his car. I felt safe, warm, protected. Something about being around Steel made me feel better. I had no idea what he saw in me, or why he wanted to be here, but I was finally starting to appreciate it.
“I won’t pressure you,” he started, “but when you’re ready, I’d like to kiss you.”
I swallowed hard. This guy must have slept with dozens of women in his life, but he’s waiting, just waiting to kiss me. It felt so weird, yet insanely flattering. He reminded me of the type of guy who was in control and took what he wanted, but in this instance, he was waiting, asking my permission, and letting me know I was safe. I wanted to fall into his arms, tell him I’d get over myself and kiss him here, now, but I couldn’t.
I was afraid if I kissed him one, just once, I wouldn’t stop myself, and I wasn’t ready for more.
Chapter 8
Steel walked me upstairs, seeing me in. He didn’t push for more, but as he headed down the stairs and out to his car, I was still breathing in his scent, his warmth, and kicking myself for not reaching out and kissing him. I wanted to feel his arms around me, letting him wrap me in his strength and comfort me, take care of me, and make all my pain go away.
I didn’t mean to come off cold; I couldn’t help it. It’s all I’d known this past year – this wall of armor, and yet he’d put a chink in it. I wanted to remove it, shed all of it, and be free once again – but I knew it would take time. I couldn’t rush this, and now he knew why.
When the knock came back at my door, I wasn’t expecting it. “Who is it?”
“It’s me,” he said.
Opening the door, I looked up at him. Our eyes met. “I wasn’t ready to leave.”
I stepped back, letting him in.
“Can I hold you?”
I nodded, and let him wrap his strong arms around my body. Burying my head in his chest, I closed my eyes. I hadn’t let anybody this close in way too long. There was safety in his arms, a quiet strength that said I’m here now, nothing bad is going to happen.
My breathing was slow and deep. I didn’t want the moment to end. I didn’t care that he was in my crappy little room I’m usually ashamed of. I just wanted to get lost in his arms and feel like somebody was taking care of me. It got weary doing it alone all the time.
His arm moved, and slipping a hand under my chin he tipped my head up toward him. Our eyes met, locking in a heated exchange. Bending his head to me, he barely brushed my lips with the sweetest kiss. “Sleep well,” he said, and then turned to leave.
“Don’t go,” I squeaked out. I didn’t want to be alone, not after feeling so safe in his arms.
Turning back, he looked at me. He didn’t have a lot to say, he simply held me. I needed him to hold me. I needed to feel safe, something I hadn’t felt in ages.
I was embarrassed. I didn’t have somewhere for him to sit. I wished I had a comfortable chair or loveseat to offer, but I only had my mattress and dresser, not much more. My nightstand was an old milk crate flipped upside down, and my laptop sat atop it. I didn’t even have a nice lamp, but instead a bare single light bulb hanging from the middle of the room. Shame might have run deeper, but right now there were bigger things taking space in my brain.
Pulling me back into an embrace, he held me. He sensed I hadn’t opened up to anyone in way too long. He wouldn’t let go, and I didn’t want him to.
My heart was thumping in my chest, being so close to him. I ached for him to kiss me, kiss me deeply and passionately, but I was afraid if we went there, I’d never be able to go back, shutting my walls down. I wasn’t sure I was ready to let someone in. And yet the need, the desire was stronger.
I could smell him, his cologne deep in my nostrils, and wanted to memorize his scent. I wanted to remember every tiny moment about this embrace, because I knew when I curled up in bed later that night I’d wrap myself in the memory, letting it cradle me to sleep.
His hand was back at my chin, lifting my eyes to him. Questioning, quizzing, his look asked and mine answered.
Parting his lips, he came down to me, drinking me up, and kissed me with presence. This wasn’t some wishy-washy kiss, this was a kiss that told me he wanted to be here. It told me that he wanted more, so much more, and as I melted into him I admitted to myself that I wanted more too.
Breaking apart, “I’m not ready,” I said in a panic, embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” he started.
“Don’t be, I wanted you to kiss me.”
“Another day,” he said, brushing his lips to my forehead. “Goodnight,” he simply said, letting himself out.
Only he couldn’t pull himself away. He stalled, lingered at the door, staring at me. His eyes were intense, warm with longing, and my own were locked on him. I wanted to feel him against me again, I wanted to kiss him again, and yet I pulled away not even sure why.
Taking one step toward me, I met him halfway. Back in his arms, wrapping around me, cocooning me in safety, I tucked my head back to his chest. “I’m here,” was all he said knowing I needed his protection, the comfort of safety, even if it was an illusion.
“Steel,” I finally said, looking up, my eyes pooling with vulnerability.
His giant hand brushed my hair from my eyes, and lowering his head we came together once again, uncertain if our momentary bond would be broken, but willing to risk it.
Everything inside of me leisured in his lips as they touched my own; with that kiss I let him pus
h away my fear. Our lips parted, his tongue searching, and the heat grew within us. As I tasted him, I knew I’d need more.
Steel’s hand moved through my hair, raking it, and then cupped the nape of my neck. His breath was hot, and with the lightest moan I accepted his kiss. My body felt limp in his arms in the most delicious way, and I was coming back to life.
It had been dark for so long, but something was happening. There was a crack and light was getting in. I’d heal someday, and today was a new beginning. I was allowing someone in, a man that I knew wouldn’t hurt me, and I was going to trust him, or at least try to trust him. I couldn’t make promises, and he wasn’t asking me to – he was simply asking me to try.
I’d try as long as he kept holding and kissing me this way, his mouth causing my brain to explode. Steel Brickman was lighting my fire in a way it hadn’t been lit in far too long.
His hands, more like paws slid down across my shoulders, resting on my back, not pressing for more. He didn’t try to cop a feel, even though I could feel his hardness pressed against my body, trapped under the denim of his jeans and knew he was aroused. He simply kissed me in a way I hadn’t been kissed in forever. A real kiss, a kiss that told me he wanted to be there, and a kiss that had me aching for another.
Stroking my hair, “Thank you for letting me in,” he whispered.
I nodded, and didn’t want to let go. How could I? I hadn’t felt this safe in ages. I wanted to sleep pressed to his body, but that felt childish. I was so desperate to feel protected all night long. I didn’t ask, and I knew I didn’t actually want him to stay; it was just the comfort of his embrace playing with my head. I said goodnight, and he promised I’d see him again. I didn’t doubt it, there was something between us – I was certain.
Chapter 9
I was scrambling to finish my homework. I’d let some of it go, and was playing catch up. Between work and new feelings for Steel developing, my focus was scattered. He’d stop by for a beer and bite to eat time to time, though our place didn’t have great food. He still stuck with me, coming to visit when he could. I was opening up more, talking more, though still partially guarded.
I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was like everything was coming together, and I didn’t trust it to stay that way. I kept waiting for something bad to happen. Somebody would come along and tell me it was a mistake. I wasn’t meant to be happy – and things would go back to normal soon.
Only it wasn’t a joke and he kept showing up, investing more time in me, and in a slow growing relationship. He wasn’t in a hurry and took his time with me. I was amazed. He could have any woman he wanted – and yet he came to this shitty place to be with me. He didn’t push, didn’t press, didn’t ask for more than I could give him, he simply shared space with me.
“You want to go out this weekend, maybe catch a movie?” Steel sat with a cheesesteak and beer, keeping me company at the bar.
“I have a paper to finish,” I said, watching his oversized hands dwarf the sandwich.
“Work on it tonight,” he said. “Movie, Saturday. You don’t usually have them off,” he answered before taking a massive bite of the food.
I shrugged, “Okay,” I didn’t want to admit I was struggling with this particular assignment. I’d stare at it, unable to get anything done. I felt like a failure lately, unable to concentrate and get things finished. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, distraction and schoolwork used to be my saving grace to keep my mind from wandering, though lately I couldn’t focus on anything.
“I’ll pick you up at eight,” he said, “and we can get a bite to eat after.”
“Sounds nice,” I realized it would be an official date, like a real one. Not just getting food after work, not sitting and talking at the bar, but a regular date. What did this mean? Were we a couple, or working our way into becoming one?
“Tell me more about you,” I said, lifting each bottle out of the bar back tray and wiping them down.
“Not much to tell,” he said. He wasn’t big on conversation that revolved around him.
“Tell me about your mother,” I started, wondering if it was a mistake.
He smiled, “She was beautiful, inside and out. She had a good heart, and that woman worked harder than anyone I knew. She kept two jobs trying to keep us afloat. I started cutting lawns as a teen to help with money, but she’d never take it from me. She was a good woman.”
“And your dad?”
He froze, and took another bite of his sandwich. “Not a great man,” he said. “And who the hell knows where he is today. He was a drunken ass, and when he left it was the best thing to happen to our family. We might have been broke, but we didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore.”
“I’m sorry. My dad took off with another woman and disappeared. I’d get a card every few years. My mom remarried about eight years ago, but as far as I’m concerned they’re all dead to me now. She comes in time to time, but because it’s a public place I can’t throw her out.”
“You think you’ll ever forgive her?”
“What’s forgiveness,” I asked sarcastically. “Fuck, no. She made her choice.”
“I’ve got some stuff to do,” he said, tossing his napkin on his plate after finishing. “I’ll see you Saturday at eight.”
Watching him leave, I wondered if he had normal relationships with girls in high school and college. Were they all sweet and bubbly, and was he the perfect boyfriend? He seemed edgier, rawer than most guys I knew growing up. I think hurt and disappointment scarred him, just like it had scarred me. We were two wounded souls trying to find our way. Only he was strong and powerful leading the way, and I was floundering like a fish out of water.
When he showed up Saturday night, I whistled playfully. He wore jeans with a dark blue shirt, and boots that were a dusty shade of brown. Steel Brickman was one handsome devil, and the more time I spent around him, the more I realized my guard was crashing down. My heart skipped a beat on seeing him, and I blushed like some damn school girl.
I’d put on black jeans with a black knit shirt. I didn’t have all of my clothes, and a lot were thrift store finds by this point. In the past I’d have worn shiny, black fuck-me-pumps, but those didn’t suit me any longer, so a pair of black sneakers had to do. I didn’t do sexy anymore, didn’t want to draw attention to myself, and wore baggier clothes now. Nothing clung to my body seductively; skirts were off limits since they offered easy access to places I didn’t want people touching, so it was loose slacks and unfitted shirts for me most of the time.
“You look great,” he said, standing in my doorway. He meant it, and I was amused. I was hardly date worthy, but he only had eyes for me.
“Thank you,” I said fumbling, trying to remember how to take a compliment.
Driving to the movies, he reached over and took my hand. I let him, and liked the comfort of his warm bear paw over my hand.
Walking in, tickets in hand, we made our way to the concession stand. It was a long line for a Saturday night, and as we waited I froze on seeing him.
He was with a date and turned from the counter, popcorn in hand. I hadn’t seen him in over a year. Panic swept through me. I turned away hoping he didn’t see me, but I had no such luck. Gripping Steel’s hand with ferocity, I tried to steady my feet so I didn’t fall over. My legs were shaking, and in that moment I saw the spark of recognition. With my heart pounding in my throat, I realized I couldn’t swallow it.
Walk away, walk away, get out of here, my brain shouted.
He couldn’t, he wouldn’t, and with some sick twisted grin he came right at us, almost mocking me.
I refused to look up, turning my head into Steel, but by this time he was fully aware something was going on with the force of my hand squeezing his own. “What’s the matter,” he whispered low into my ear, as my nightmare made himself known.
“Well, well, look who it is,” he tore into my flesh, his words shearing my head, making it want to explode.
�
�Avery?” Steel looked at me, looked at him, and sensing my reaction said, “Is this him?”
I couldn’t speak, my voice was gone, and I was frozen.
“What’s the matter Sis, not going to introduce me to your football star?” He obviously recognized Steel’s famous face.
The second, the split second that Steel realized this was the man who assaulted me, all bets were off. With a rage inside of him he tore away from me and went head first into my step-brother, knocking him to the ground in a tackle. Popcorn flew into the air. Swinging wildly, my step-brother was taken off guard. As the two men rolled and beat each other, security came running. Nothing could stop Steel’s fists pummeling into the man now beneath him once again.
“Break it up, break it up,” security called out, but they were simply two dollar guards who took a spare job to pay their bills, thinking the worst they’d have to do is stop people from sneaking into another movie when their show let out. They weren’t equipped to handle an ice hockey player that was used to brawling and a massive football player in a fury of fists.
“Get the cops, get the cops,” someone yelled out. I didn’t know how to step in and break it up, I was frozen. I didn’t want Steel to get hurt, and yet watching him beat the shit out of my step-brother felt just in its own weird way. I hated my step-brother, he hurt me, and he was getting his due, but this was Neanderthal justice and not the way to solve life’s tough moments.
I heard it all, the cracking of someone’s nose, and yet heard nothing as all the sounds whirred in my brain to create a silent moment watching it happen. It was confusion, everything happening so fast, my insides shaking with me like a great quake, and a cool numbness spreading through my limbs. I was sucking air, terrified for Steel, but he was holding his own.
When the cops showed up they finally tore them apart. I stood emotionless and shutting down; blood was streaming down the faces of the two men now in handcuffs. This was going to get ugly with the police involved, and I was damning our choice to try to date, try to go out, because my life wasn’t meant for this stuff anymore.
Tangled: A New Adult Romance Boxed Set (12 Book Bundle of Billionaires, Bad Boys, and Royalty) Page 78
