The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

  Smiling timidly back, Sienna took hold of the hand Adam offered again and walked with him to the door. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said immediately, letting go of Adam’s hand to take hold of Nicole’s, ‘about your sister. The pain lessens but it doesn’t go away, does it?’

  Nicole scanned her eyes, her own questioning, curious. ‘No,’ she said, after a second, ‘no it doesn’t.’ Her smile now warm and genuine, she gave Sienna’s hand a quick squeeze and Sienna sensed her approval. She was pleased, for Adam’s sake.

  Nicole’s gaze travelled from Sienna to Adam. ‘I’m glad you could make it, Adam,’ she said, moving to give him a tight hug. ‘And I’m really glad you’re okay. I worried about you, you know, incessantly.’

  Adam hesitated and then wrapped his arms around her. ‘Getting there,’ he said emotionally. ‘With the help of two beautiful women,’ he added, giving Sienna a mischievous wink as he pulled away.

  Sienna glanced pseudo-despairingly at Nicole. Nicole shook her head. ‘Flatterer,’ they both said together.

  ‘It’s one of my better qualities,’ Adam quipped, as was his wont. There was sadness there still, though, Sienna could see, in his eyes.

  ‘Come on in.’ Nicole stepped back to allow them access. ‘Lily’s been desperate to see you,’ she said, closing the door and then leading the way up the hall.

  ‘She has?’ Adam looked dubious.

  ‘You’ve obviously made an impression. She’s even named her best beloved soft toy after you,’ Nicole assured him, showing them to the lounge.

  ‘This is Phil,’ she introduced her husband, who was holding Lily-Grace in his arms. ‘Phil, you know Adam. This is his girlfriend, Sienna. Make yourself at home, guys. I’m just going to check the oven. Won’t be a tick.’

  ‘Phil.’ Adam nodded and smiled uncertainly at him.

  Phil smiled in return, his smile warm and welcoming, Sienna noted. They were obviously good people, a strong unit. Little Lily-Grace’s start in life might have been tragic, but there was no doubt she was a contented, happy child.

  ‘Hey, Lily. How’s my favourite girl, hey?’ Adam smiled at her, a smile that definitely reached his eyes. Sienna swallowed, her own eyes filling up and her heart all but bursting.

  ‘Want Adum,’ Lily said excitedly, unhooking little sausage arms from around Phil’s neck and immediately outstretching them towards Adam.

  Adam eyed Phil questioningly.

  ‘Oh, the fickle female heart.’ Phil sighed melodramatically. ‘Here, take her. She’s a lump. Grown two inches every time I see her, I swear. Drinks, guys?’ he asked, his lump safely deposited in Adam’s arms.

  ‘Just a soft one, thanks, Phil,’ Adam said, his gaze on Lily-Grace, taking in every little detail, counting every eyelash, it seemed to Sienna.

  ‘Oh?’ Phil glanced surprised at Sienna, and then gave her a wink, meaning Adam had scored another little point, Sienna guessed, offering Phil a warm smile in return. ‘Right you are. Sienna, what’s your poison?’

  ‘Same for me,’ she said, her own much smaller lump in mind.

  Phil looked her over approvingly. ‘You’re obviously a good influence,’ he commented as he headed for the kitchen.

  ‘I try,’ Adam said, behind him. ‘She’s very wilful though, Phil. Isn’t she, Lily, hey?’

  ‘I am not,’ Sienna retorted, indignantly.

  ‘Yes, you are,’ Adam said, a soft twinkle in his eye as he glanced back at her. ‘And I think I’ll be eternally glad that you are.’

  Sienna felt herself blush, particularly as Nicole, coming back from the kitchen, had caught the exchange. ‘Looks like love is in the air.’ She smiled indulgently at Sienna. ‘Do you want to take her upstairs, Adam?’

  ‘Er?’ Adam looked momentarily flummoxed.

  ‘Lily.’ Nicole laughed, coming over to plant a kiss on Lily’s overripe cheek. ‘It’s her bedtime. I wondered whether you wanted to read her a story?’

  ‘Oh, right. I’d love to.’ Adam turned back to Lily, who’d been as good as gold in his arms, studying him as intently as he had her. ‘Would you like that, Lily?’

  Lily studied him a second longer, then, ‘Yeth,’ she articulated around the thumb she had wedged in her mouth.

  ‘So, what story shall we read, hey, Lily?’ Adam asked her as he headed to the hall.

  ‘Phil usually makes it up as he goes along, which bores her to sleep in two seconds flat,’ Nicole called after him.

  ‘I heard that,’ Phil boomed from the kitchen, followed by, ‘ouch!’ as a pan clanged worryingly loudly.

  ‘He’s better at cooking,’ Nicole assured Sienna, beckoning her over to sit with her at the dining table. ‘She likes Animals Around the World, Adam,’ she shouted. ‘It’s on her dresser. Hers is the second room on the left.’

  ‘Got it,’ Adam called. ‘Animals Around the World it is. What animals are they, hey, Lily? Tigers? Lions?’ The two women heard him chatting on to her as he went.

  ‘Adum,’ Lily answered.

  ‘Oh, right. Okay.’ Adam sounded a little puzzled.

  ‘Adum!’ Lily sounded a little stressed. ‘Want Adum!’

  A second later, Adam reappeared, a now tearful toddler in arms. ‘Want Adum,’ Lily insisted, her bottom lip wobbly, jiggling body language indicating imminent tantrum.

  ‘Erm?’ Adam looked helplessly to Nicole.

  ‘Ooh, cripes.’ Nicole shot off her chair to toss cushions arbitrarily from the sofa, revealing a soft toy buried beneath them. ‘Adum,’ she announced, handing the toy to an immediately placated Lily.

  ‘Ah.’ Adam looked the Peppa Pig over as Lily squished it lovingly close. ‘I can see the likeness.’ He nodded and about-faced.

  Sienna was struggling with the, ‘So, how did you two get together?’ question when Adam came back down.

  ‘She propositioned me,’ Adam supplied blithely, sailing across the lounge.

  ‘I did not.’ Sienna shot him a look and blushed down to her décolleté.

  Adam walked around behind her. ‘It was a hard proposition to turn down,’ he said, brushing her hair aside and planting a soft kiss on the nape of her neck.

  ‘I can see why,’ Phil observed, from where he sat next to Sienna.

  ‘Ahem.’ Nicole cast him a withering glance as she placed the garlic bread on the table.

  ‘Not that she could hold a candle to you, of course, light of my life,’ Phil added quickly, giving Sienna a wink and reaching to steal a chunk of bread.

  Nicole slapped his hand away. ‘You’ll be in the spare room if you don’t reel your eyes in,’ she warned him; cheerfully though, Sienna noticed. She was nice. They both were. Despite the link to Emily, the sad memories they would all undoubtedly share of her, she was glad Adam had found them again. They truly did seem to be like his family.

  ‘We haven’t got a spare room, sweetness,’ Phil pointed out, stealing the bread anyway.

  ‘There’s always the dog kennel,’ Nicole assured him.

  Phil sighed heavily. ‘She’s a hard woman,’ he said, reaching for the ladle and removing the lid on the dish.

  ‘It’s just spag bog,’ Nicole said. ‘Hope that’s okay with you two?’

  ‘Perfect.’ Adam caught Sienna’s eyes across the table, a slow smile curving his mouth and a mischievous glint in his own. ‘Love Bolognese, don’t we, Sienna?’

  Nicole obviously noted the look, glancing between them as Sienna blushed furiously again. ‘Sienna’s just been expounding your virtues,’ she said, smiling indulgently and passing plates.

  ‘She did say she’d struggled to find any, mind,’ Phil chipped in.

  Adam smiled good-naturedly. ‘Yeah, she would a bit.’

  ‘She’s been telling us how you gallantly saved her dog from drowning,’ Nicole went on.

  Adam glanced at her, amusement now dancing in his eyes. ‘Not sure about the “gallant” bit. I think she might have been being kind.’

  ‘Must be love.’ Phil emitted a wistful sigh as he offered the bread around. ‘S
o,’ he turned to Adam, ‘do I hear wedding bells on the horizon?’

  At which, Adam immediately glanced down. ‘Erm … I, er …’ His eyes flicked back to Sienna. ‘Not sure,’ he said, now toying with the food he’d just swallowed several hearty mouthfuls of.

  Uncertain what to say or where to look, particularly when Nicole shot her husband a now furious glance, Sienna fixed her eyes on her plate.

  ‘Damn. Sorry, Adam,’ Phil apologised over the ensuing awkward silence. ‘I didn’t think.’

  ‘It’s okay.’ With an obvious struggle, Adam regained some of his composure. He glanced at Sienna, as she looked cautiously back at him. His expression was apologetic. Extremely apologetic, she noted, a wave of icy trepidation washing over her.

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘I think I might just need to pop to the loo,’ Sienna said as they were about to leave.

  ‘Must be all those soft drinks.’ Phil smiled and stood aside to allow her access to the stairs.

  ‘I’ll go and start the car,’ Adam said, shaking Phil’s hand and giving Nicole a hug as Sienna nipped on up.

  She had to tell him, she decided. Tonight. She couldn’t leave it any longer. He’d notice something anyway soon. The meal had been lovely, but she’d felt terribly nauseous after what was clearly a thundering faux pas on Phil’s part. She did have to tell him. Given the speedy change of topic after what must have been the most awkward moment ever, she also had to ask him, what on earth had it been all about?

  Emergency bathroom call attended to, Sienna was halfway down the stairs when she heard Nicole from the kitchen. ‘He’s obviously in love with her,’ she commented.

  Uh, oh. They were undoubtedly talking about her. Feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlights, Sienna debated whether to go up or down, then, curiosity getting the better of her, plumped to stay where she was.

  ‘Definitely,’ Phil agreed. ‘Couldn’t take his eyes off her. Young love, hey?’ He sighed nostalgically.

  ‘Ahem,’ Nicole coughed, presumably to alert her husband to the fact that she wasn’t much older than Adam.

  ‘Reminds me of how I feel about you, my sweet.’

  Sienna smiled as Phil neatly rescued himself, and risked another step down, then stopped again as Nicole said, ‘Do you think he will ever think about getting married again?’

  ‘Not sure,’ Phil replied. ‘I can’t imagine it being top of his list of favourite things to do after what happened.’

  ‘No.’ Nicole sighed thoughtfully. ‘Nathaniel said he’s had a string of relationships,’ she went on, over the clink of dishes. ‘Not very savoury relationships, apparently.’

  ‘Running scared,’ Phil observed, astutely. ‘I can’t say I blame him. To be honest, I’d be surprised if he found commitment of any sort easy. I know I would.’

  Nicole emitted another troubled sigh. ‘I do hope he doesn’t mess that girl about. She seems lovely, doesn’t she? Really pretty, too.’

  ‘Very,’ Phil agreed enthusiastically. ‘Lovely, that is,’ he added, followed by, ‘Ouch.’

  Sienna took the opportunity to thump noisily on down, catching the pair in a mock tea towel and rubber glove duel as she poked her head around the kitchen door. ‘Thanks both,’ she called. ‘Better dash. Adam has a boat to look at in the morning. Byee.’ She forced a cheery smile and skidded on out.

  Sienna glanced sideways at Adam as they drove. He really was handsome, his strong profile and high cheekbones making him classically beautiful. He was kind, thoughtful, not the brash bullying person she’d thought him to be, but his dark eyes were clouded with such confusion sometimes, such uncertainty. He had ghosts to deal with, Sienna knew that. But after his reaction to Phil’s comment around marriage … Would he ever be free of them enough to trust a woman again, she wondered, to trust her completely and give all of himself?

  ‘Nicole’s lovely, isn’t she? They both are,’ she commented, making conversation in the absence, yet again, of any from Adam.

  ‘They are,’ he agreed. ‘I should have kept in touch, but …’

  ‘You found it difficult?’ Sienna finished, aware that he must have had reasons why.

  Adam sighed. ‘Very,’ he admitted, ‘particularly as they have such a strong relationship.’

  Sienna hesitated. ‘Because it reminded you of what you should have had?’ she ventured.

  Adam nodded tightly and signalled left, unfortunately instead of right and got hooted from behind for his efforts.

  Sienna waited until he’d made the turn safely and then pushed on, hoping he’d open up and talk to her about his relationship issues. ‘It must have been hard for you tonight, seeing them with Lily?’

  Adam pulled in a long breath. ‘It was,’ he said, glancing quickly at her. ‘Sienna, about earlier … Damn!’ Swerving abruptly, Adam cursed quietly again, and then waved his apologies to the driver he’d inadvertently cut up at the roundabout.

  Sienna waited until they were back safe on the road, and then cautiously urged him on. ‘You were saying?’

  ‘I, er … Nothing. It wasn’t important.’ Adam turned to give her a reassuring smile. But it wasn’t reassuring. It wasn’t reassuring at all. It didn’t reach his eyes. There was something else there.

  Smiling tremulously back Sienna averted her gaze. He’d been about to mention what Phil had said, she was sure. But he couldn’t even talk about it. Did that mean he truly couldn’t contemplate long-term commitment?

  ‘Sorry about that. Anyone would think I had been drinking,’ Adam joked, referring to the roundabout incident, and neatly deflecting the conversation away from anything emotive.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Sienna assured him, and allowed him to drive on in silent contemplation, which Adam seemed to prefer while he was mulling things over. As he had the first time she’d ridden in his car. The first time she’d been with him, when, despite his reluctance, he’d made such passionate, all-consuming sweet love to her. It had felt so right, so as if it was meant to be. Somehow, Sienna wasn’t sure how, they’d made a baby together. She’d felt, naively probably, that that might have been meant to be too … until now. Swallowing hard, Sienna turned her gaze to the passenger window.

  What did he want, she wondered? When he’d said he intended to hold on to her hand, talked about them being together, had he meant he needed a hand to hold for the now? Might Adam have wanted to present himself as a couple tonight, the thought occurred. Prove he was in a steady relationship to secure access to his daughter? Sienna wouldn’t have minded that. If he’d asked her, she would have done anything within her power to ensure he had future contact with his daughter. Had he considered his future with her, though, his whole future?

  Fear gripped coldly at Sienna’s insides. Why would he have? They’d been together such a short time. It was her making big commitment plans. How would Adam have been considering them, if he simply couldn’t? And now, he no doubt knew she’d gleaned that he couldn’t. Announcing she was pregnant, it would look like she was trying to trap him, expecting more of him than he was capable of giving, the pain of his loss still being so obviously raw. She did have to tell him. He had a right to know. But, before she did, she had to know, did she really figure in his forever plans?

  ‘Lily’s beautiful, isn’t she?’ she said, after a while, attempting to steer the topic to the one she wanted to discuss.

  ‘She’s perfect,’ he agreed wholeheartedly. ‘Amazing. Did you see the way she smiled at me?’ he went on enthusiastically. ‘I can’t believe she actually remembered my name.’

  ‘You love her, don’t you?’ Sienna asked gently, though her heart seemed to be folding inside her.

  ‘Irrevocably.’ He smiled, a genuine smile, which lit up his whole face. ‘God only knows why I’ve wasted so much time.’

  ‘You’ll see much more of her now, though,’ Sienna reminded him. They were nearing the marina. She had to say something. Now. She just had to. She couldn’t spend another night on her own in the dark, worrying, wondering, tossing a
nd turning.

  ‘I hope so,’ Adam said, his voice catching with emotion. ‘Thanks for tonight, Sienna. I really appreciate it.’ He reached for her hand, squeezing it, but only briefly.

  ‘My pleasure,’ Sienna said, swallowing back a stab of pain. He was being distant, impersonal almost. He hadn’t said anything deliberately hurtful. It was more what he wasn’t saying. Debating, she took a breath, and took the bull by the horns. ‘Do you want more children, do you think?’ she asked, making sure to keep her tone casual.

  ‘God, yes,’ he said, signalling to turn into the marina. ‘Eventually.’ He glanced at her as he pulled into the car park.

  Eventually. The word hit Sienna like a slap in the face. She closed her eyes as an almost overpowering wave of nausea swept over her.

  Adam killed the engine. ‘Do you?’ he asked, turning to look properly at her, at last.

  His look was quizzical, that same uncertainty there she’d seen so many times before. ‘Loads,’ Sienna said. It came out more stridently than she’d intended.

  ‘Me, too.’ Adam smiled, but still there was hesitation in his eyes. ‘Enjoyable though it might be making them, though,’ he reached again for her hand, grazing his thumb contemplatively over the back of it, ‘I think I might need to spend some time getting to know Lily-Grace before I go that route.’

  His kiss was sweet, like stolen candy, his lips soft on hers, his tongue gently exploring her mouth. Sienna thought her heart might explode, so full was it of overwhelming sadness. She kissed him back, her tongue seeking his, a long, soul-crushing goodbye.

  Adam felt the sadness weigh down on him like a lead weight as he entered his boat. ‘Idiot!’ He thumped his forehead with the heel of his hand. What the hell was wrong with him? What? She’d opened the door a mile wide. All he’d had to do was ask her, but how? How do you say, I love you with my whole heart and soul. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, but I don’t want to do the wedding bit, so will you come and live with me on my … ‘damn, fucking, stupid boat!’

  Sighing heavily, cursing liberally, Adam sank to the seating area. It was time he faced facts. He ran his hands through his hair, wishing he had a beer in the fridge, glad that he hadn’t. The fact was, Sienna’s father was right. He had absolutely nothing to offer her. So what did he do? Get in touch with his father, gloss over the past as if it didn’t matter, thereby ensuring access to family funds? His old man might have been tight with his affections but he was never tight with his money where his sons were concerned. Adam thought about it, felt bile rise in his throat thinking about it. Would it really kill him to swallow his pride? He needn’t take money from him, but he could ask him if he could move into one of his rental properties. He couldn’t contemplate going back to work with his brother in the boat building business, but he’d have a base to look for work from, a place to call home, a decent place to bring Sienna, which might gain her father’s approval. He’d have his inheritance eventually, security for Sienna and the children he absolutely did want to have with her, given she wanted him; for Lily-Grace. The old bastard wasn’t going to live forever, particularly downing the amount of booze he did on a daily basis.