The Sapphire Widow

by Jefferies, Dinah

  Margo came into the room carrying a box. ‘I’ve brought the cleaning stuff.’

  Louisa nodded. ‘Come on, Zinnia, please shuffle up if you can, and then swing your legs over the side.’

  Zinnia managed to raise herself to a sitting position, then Louisa turned to Margo. ‘Actually, could you run her a bath. The bathroom is through there. Do you have hot water, Zinnia?’

  ‘Leo’s houseboy comes to stoke the boiler once a day, so it should still be hot now.’

  Margo went through and Louisa could hear the water running.

  ‘I can’t manage a bath on my own.’

  ‘We’ll help you.’

  ‘Really?’

  Louisa nodded, though her heart was hammering in alarm, or maybe it was confusion. All she knew for certain was this wasn’t easy. When she heard Leo calling out, she felt a wave of relief. Because he was there, yes, but also he might be able to help them move Zinnia into the bathroom.

  He came into the room. ‘Louisa,’ he said and his smile lightened her heart. ‘I’ve brought clean bedding.’

  She took a few steps forward and felt more confident. ‘We want to give Zinnia a bath before she goes through to lie on the sofa. Margo’s in there running the water.’

  ‘That’s kind.’

  ‘I’m only doing what has to be done.’

  When Margo called out that the bath was ready, Zinnia’s eyes were glued on Leo and Louisa. ‘You two seem close.’

  Louisa took a step back and answered briskly. ‘We’re friends, that’s all. Now, Leo, could you carry Zinnia through?’

  ‘Leo can’t undress me.’

  ‘We’ll do that.’

  ‘Where’s Conor?’ Zinnia asked, glancing at Louisa with a worried look.

  ‘Don’t worry. He’s up at my place, drawing snails,’ Leo said.

  He walked over to the bed. ‘Now?’ He asked Zinnia to wrap her arms around his neck. Then he lifted her gently. ‘You’re as light as a bird, Cousin.’

  ‘I’ve lost weight.’

  While he carried her through to the bathroom, Margo came out and exchanged anxious looks with Louisa.

  ‘It’s not easy,’ she said.

  ‘I know, but she needs us to help her,’ Louisa said. ‘After that, will you make a start on the room, please.’

  ‘I’ll strip the bed first.’

  ‘We could send the sheets to the dhobi but it might be quicker to do it here.’ She sighed. ‘I’d better go through.’

  Zinnia was sitting on the edge of the bath as Louisa went in. A few awkward moments followed, during which nothing was said, then Leo spoke up, breaking the uneasy silence. ‘I’ll check up on Conor, but I’ll be back later. Can you manage, Louisa? I can stay if it would help?’

  ‘No. You go to Conor. Margo and I will be fine.’

  After he had left, the women stared at each other. There was so much to say that remained unspoken, yet it seemed to Louisa that neither of them had a clue where to begin.

  ‘I loved him, you know,’ Zinnia eventually said.

  Louisa nodded. ‘Me too.’

  ‘He said your marriage wasn’t happy, that he would leave you, but after eight years I began to see it wasn’t true. He would never have left you … That’s why I ended it.’

  Louisa glanced away and then gazed at Zinnia. ‘He loved the child?’

  ‘Very much. Your lost children broke his heart.’

  Louisa swallowed rapidly and then tested the temperature of the water. ‘We need to get you in. Can you take off your nightdress yourself?’

  Margo came in to help and Zinnia lifted her arms, but then they fell limply at her sides. ‘I haven’t the strength.’

  ‘Hold up your arms and I’ll pull it over your head,’ Margo said in a matter-of-fact way.

  ‘Margo’s a nurse,’ Louisa added.

  When Zinnia was finally naked, Louisa was shocked at her appearance. Just skin and bones, with arms and legs like sticks, and the lines of her ribs showing through the transparent bluish skin of her chest.

  ‘Doesn’t Leo feed you?’ she tried to say lightly.

  ‘He’s always bringing food. I’m just not hungry.’

  Louisa held one of her arms while Zinnia managed to haul herself into the bath, where she lay back exhausted by the effort.

  ‘Margo, can you get a jug, please. We need to wash her hair.’

  Margo nodded and Louisa followed her out; she saw she had stripped the bed and piled up everything in the corner.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Margo said. ‘You look drawn.’

  ‘She’s dreadfully thin.’

  ‘But it isn’t that, is it?’

  ‘Not just that. I feel so weird being with her and can’t help thinking of her with Elliot. I want to help her but I’m still getting flashes of anger.’

  ‘I’m not surprised.’

  ‘But how can I be angry with someone who is so terribly sick? I feel like a monster.’

  ‘Darling, you’re anything but. It’s natural you should feel that way. Most women wouldn’t even consider helping, under the circumstances.’

  Louisa gazed at the wooden floor.

  ‘Do you want me to take over in there?’

  ‘No. Have you come across a hairbrush anywhere?’

  ‘There’s one on her bedside table.’

  Louisa picked up the brush, while Margo found a jug in the kitchen area and then they went back to the bathroom.

  Zinnia’s eyes were closed.

  ‘Can you sit up?’ Louisa said.

  Zinnia’s eyes flew open. ‘I was thinking of what he’d say if he could see us now,’ she said.

  ‘He’d probably run a mile.’

  Zinnia managed to smile. ‘Maybe he manipulated both of us?’

  ‘Maybe. Now sit up. Can you?’

  Margo helped Zinnia to sit but the woman began to cough.

  ‘I’ll get a glass of water,’ Margo said.

  Louisa began to pour water over the long, tangled hair. She found some shampoo and asked Zinnia to keep her eyes closed while she lathered it. It took a while to wash out all the shampoo, but after it was done Louisa did her best to brush Zinnia’s hair.

  ‘He loved my hair, you know.’

  ‘I’m not sure I want to know.’

  ‘It was how we met,’ Zinnia continued.

  Louisa sat back on her haunches and let Zinnia soak for a while. She closed her eyes but Elliot was still a daunting presence between them.

  ‘So how did you meet?’ she eventually said, curious despite herself.

  ‘He came to an exhibition launch in Colombo, looking for a picture for you, I think. Anyway, he was staring at a self-portrait I’d recently painted. I heard him say, “What marvellous hair.” He hadn’t seen me sitting behind the desk so I went up to him.’

  Louisa inhaled slowly then let out a shuddering breath.

  ‘I introduced myself and he said my hair was even better in the flesh. We both had a glass of wine and I asked him if he’d like to go on to a bar. My stint behind the desk was over so I was free.’

  ‘Did you know he was married?’

  ‘I didn’t at first. He was so handsome and charming, I just liked him from the start. He made me feel special. He knew how to do that. But we didn’t sleep together for a while after that.’

  ‘Because you found out he was buying a picture for his wife.’

  ‘No, he didn’t say that then. He said it was for a friend.’

  ‘So, when did you find out about me?’

  ‘Just after your first miscarriage nearly eight years ago. He came to me, heartbroken. That was the first time we actually slept together.’

  Louisa gulped and there were a few moments of ghastly silence.

  Margo came back in with a glass of water. ‘Sorry I took so long.’

  ‘Can you soap yourself,’ Louisa said, handing Zinnia a bar of soap and willing herself not to cry.

  The woman took the soap and managed fairly well, while Louisa averted her eyes;
it was just too intimate. Then she got to her feet and asked Margo to help support Zinnia as she climbed out of the bath.

  Zinnia held out a hand to Louisa. Her face clouded over and a stricken look crossed it. ‘I’m sorry for the harm I caused you.’

  Louisa didn’t take her hand but held her gaze and swallowed hard.

  Then she and Margo managed to wrap Zinnia in a couple of towels Leo had brought down with the clean bedding.

  ‘We need to get you through to the sitting room,’ Margo said, taking over, and practical as ever. Louisa gave her a wan smile and, somehow, they supported Zinnia as she stumbled through. Once she was safely on the sofa, Margo removed the towels and covered her with one of the fresh blankets. ‘Have you a dressing gown?’ she asked.

  Zinnia pointed at a robe hanging on the bedroom door and collapsed back on to the cushions behind her. Louisa bowed her head as tears blurred her vision, then she slipped outside where she gasped at the air in great emotional gulps, her eyes still stinging. ‘Oh God,’ she whispered to herself, not able to get rid of the image of Elliot with Zinnia so soon after her first miscarriage. She remembered he’d said he had pressing business in Colombo and she’d felt hurt by it, but had tried to understand. Now she knew the pressing business had been another woman.

  Margo came out. ‘You surviving?’

  Louisa shook her head and Margo came straight over to hug her. When they drew apart she sighed. ‘Tough, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘If you want to go up to see Leo I’ll get on with cleaning her room. It’s really just the floor that needs mopping.’

  ‘Conor will be up there.’

  ‘He’s just a child. Maybe it would help if you got to know him a little.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, stay out here for a while and if you do decide to go up, just go. I’ll follow when I’m done, though maybe Leo could come back later to carry her back to her bed.’

  ‘What about the sheets?’

  ‘I’ll put them to soak in the bath.’

  ‘Thanks, Margo. There’s a short cut up to Leo’s through the trees when you’re ready, though it’s probably better if you follow the road.’

  After Margo had gone back in, Louisa deliberated for a while but eventually decided to go on up to Leo’s place. By the time she reached his house the rain was just beginning and when there was no reply to her knock at the door she opened it and went in. Upstairs Conor was sitting on the sofa playing with a pack of cards.

  ‘Where’s Leo?’ Louisa asked, feeling unnerved by the child’s silence.

  He just shrugged.

  ‘I heard you were doing some drawing. Would you like to show me?’

  The boy glanced up at her but still said nothing.

  ‘Well, maybe I’ll just sit here and if you feel like showing me you can.’

  Although she tried not to stare, her eyes kept returning to the child. He was so like Elliot it was uncanny. She sat for a while, feeling uncomfortable and listening to the rain pounding the ground outside, then she got up to open a window and stare out before returning to wait again.

  ‘Have you had lunch?’ she asked.

  He shook his head.

  ‘Shall I see if we can rustle up a sandwich?’

  He glanced up at her again. ‘Leo will do it.’

  She sighed. The child seemed terribly withdrawn.

  After about half an hour Leo turned up and she saw his surprise as he took in the fact that she was sitting there with Conor.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind,’ she said. ‘It was getting a bit much. Margo is washing the floors but she’d like you to carry Zinnia back to bed.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘And I think Conor’s hungry. I couldn’t get much out of him.’

  ‘We’ll all have a sandwich. What do you say, young man?’

  The boy beamed at him and came over for a hug.

  ‘By the way,’ Louisa said, ‘Doctor Russell has asked the laboratory to send the result of Zinnia’s blood test direct to you. It’ll only take a few more days.’

  ‘Good. And thank you for all you’ve done. Are you all set for the ball?’

  She nodded. ‘Are you?’

  ‘I’ll get to your place at about seven. Does that give us time? I want to be sure this young man is tucked up in bed before I leave.’

  As Conor went outside to play Leo gazed at her.

  ‘What?’ she said with a smile.

  ‘I’m planning a little fishing trip with Conor tomorrow. I’m wondering if you might come too.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘I think it would do him good to be around other people. Someone different and not just me. He really needs a break from his mother’s illness.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it be better just the two of you?’

  He shook his head. ‘I think it would lighten the atmosphere if you were there, but look, if it doesn’t feel right …’

  ‘No. I’ll come.’

  ‘That’s great. I think a day out on the boat will be fun. Zinnia’s illness annoys him and that makes him feel guilty.’

  ‘He’s only a child,’ Louisa said, though she couldn’t imagine ever feeling annoyed with the mother she had lost.

  ‘Can you meet me at the beach at nine?’

  34.

  Louisa was the first to arrive at the beach. The mist had burnt off and the sky was now a pearly blue. She kicked off her sandals and left footprints in the wet sand as she trod down to the milky foam at the edge of the ocean. She took a few steps in and then ran back out to avoid the rolling waves, squealing as she felt the cool water splashing her legs. She looked up at the sound of laughter and spotted Leo and Conor watching her as they made their way down the beach. It filled her with relief to see the boy looking so willing. She laughed too and feeling herself relax, held her hand out to Conor.

  ‘Why not take your shoes off and join me?’ she called out.

  After just a moment’s hesitation, Conor dropped the buckets he was carrying and raced down towards her, chucking his shoes behind him as he went, and then sprinting to the water’s edge. She took his hand and they ran in, staggering back as the waves rolled towards them.

  ‘Isn’t anyone going to help me with the boat?’ Leo said, as he put down two bags of fishing tackle, an outboard motor, and a small hamper.

  ‘We both will. Won’t we, Conor?’

  The child grinned and they joined Leo who led them up the beach a little way to where a peeling, clinker-built boat, about twelve foot long, was tied to a palm tree.

  ‘It was once bright blue,’ Leo said. ‘It just needs a new coat of paint to be good as new.’

  She felt a flicker of apprehension, but noticing the look on her face he smiled. ‘Don’t worry, it’s perfectly sound. I had it built locally on British lines, so it’s something of a hybrid. Goes just fine.’

  He unknotted the rope and together they pushed the little boat down the sand towards the water’s edge, where he attached the outboard motor.

  ‘Can you hold the rope?’ he said, and passed it to Louisa. ‘I’ll just get the stuff.’

  After a moment he returned, carrying the tackle and the hamper, which he then threw on to the boat. Conor went back for the buckets and the net that was curled up inside one of them. Leo took them from him and placed them at the bow end.

  ‘Right, Louisa and Conor, you two jump in and sit on that middle seat. It’s just a couple of planks but safe enough.’

  They climbed in and as soon as they were seated, Leo began pushing the boat into the water. Once it was afloat he climbed in too, then passed the hamper to Louisa to stow under the covered bow panel, before he sat on the fixed seat at the stern end.

  ‘There’s not much power in this motor,’ he said, as he started it up. ‘But it’s enough to get out and pootle about. Now I need to concentrate. It’s easy to start but difficult to control.’

  Louisa watched the shore recede. Seabirds were flapping about above them and she c
ould see a few fishermen further out in the ocean. There was a salty breeze to freshen the air and the sea sparkled with reflected sunshine. With no sign of rain, it was a perfect day for fishing.

  Once they’d reached the point where Leo felt they might catch some fish, he cut the engine and dropped anchor.

  ‘How are you both doing?’ he said.

  Louisa smiled and Conor bobbed up and down excitedly. ‘Can we fish now?’ he asked.

  ‘You bet. I’ll just get out the tackle.’

  He unwrapped the longer bag and prepared a rod for Conor. Once he was done he passed it over.

  ‘What about you, Louisa? Do you want a rod? Or you can help me throw out a line if you like.’

  ‘I’ll help with that.’

  She looked around at all the paraphernalia of fishing. Now Leo was preparing a line strung with floats and hooks and a net in the style of the local fishermen.

  When it was ready he and Louisa flung it over the side. ‘Now what?’ she said.

  ‘We wait. Fishing is about waiting. Surely you know that?’

  ‘I used to go out fishing with my father when I was a child, but Elliot found the whole business too slow. He liked sailing competitively so we never went out to fish.’

  ‘I enjoy the physical activity of line-and-net fishing, but if it’s peace I’m after there’s nothing like a line and rod. It’s how I relax. And Conor is turning out to be a good little fisherman, aren’t you, young man?’

  Conor grinned but didn’t speak, clearly concentrating on the task at hand. While they waited Louisa and Leo continued to talk.

  ‘What are we likely to catch?’ she asked.

  ‘Mackerel, maybe, and anchovy in the net. We might be lucky and get some mullet or red snapper. Whatever we catch, I thought we’d have a barbecue on the beach afterwards.’

  ‘Lovely. What’s in the hamper?’

  ‘Everything we need for a barbecue, of course, oh, and a flask of tea – would you like some now?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Can you carefully move across to the bow – in the hamper there you’ll find a flask and spare mug. There’s a bottle of lemonade for Conor, too.’

  As she stood the boat rocked and, with her heart thumping, she held out her arms to stabilize herself. He grinned up at her before she made her way to the hamper and brought back their drinks. Leo poured the tea and opened Conor’s bottle, but Conor didn’t take it straight away. With both hands he was clutching the now very bent rod and beginning to reel the line in.