Somebody to Love

by Danielle Burton

  A crushing sob burst from my chest.

  I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing as tight as I could to mimic Keem’s healing method, but it didn’t work.

  On wobbly legs, I made my way over to my puzzle station and broke the seal on my newest one-thousand-piece set. The image depicted four beautiful African women in brightly colored dresses, carrying baskets on top of their heads. I liked this one because it reminded me of my sisters and me.

  I opened the box and turned the top face down. One by one I took the pieces from the box and counted them, running my fingers over the edges and corners. Each one had its own unique shape and design, yet they all fit somewhere, they all had a place they belonged.

  When I finished my count. I placed them back into the box bottom, then again pulled them out one by one to separate them by color and type.

  Then, I began.

  With each piece, my erratic breathing slowed, and the fallen tears dried.

  Chapter Eleven

  ~ Haikeem ~

  I couldn’t remember her name. My dick was in her hands and I couldn’t even remember her fucking name. This was who I’d become, or what, I should say, because this thing I was now no longer resembled a human, let alone a man.

  The nameless girl moved her hand up and down my shaft. I reacted as always, but at the same time, I couldn’t feel it. In this moment, like many others, my body was the only thing present. That familiar emptiness clawed at my insides. Emptiness was one of the worst pains you could experience, especially the kind that nothing seemed to help fill. The black hole grew with each passing day. I’d thought this would plug it. Baz told me it was the cure all, yet it only made me feel shittier than I had when I’d begun.

  I didn’t want to feel that anymore. I didn’t want to feel anything. I was sick of the emptiness. Sick of fighting from within. I was tired; mind, body, and spirit. I couldn’t do this anymore.

  “Stop.”

  Her strokes continued, long and slow.

  I grabbed her wrist and stood.

  She stumbled but didn’t fall, then snatched out of my grasp. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “I said stop!”

  She crinkled her nose at me. “That doesn’t give you a reason to man handle people. I didn’t hear you, obviously.”

  Sighing, I raked a palm down my face. “Please leave.”

  I didn’t wait for her to respond before disappearing into the bathroom. There I turned on the shower and stepped under the spray. Hot water cascaded down my back. If only it had the ability to cleanse me from within.

  Leaning one hand on the wall, I closed my eyes. Like always, a bright smile immediately filled my mind. Even in my imagination those big, innocent, yet curious eyes seemed to look deep inside me. It made me want to turn away, to shield myself. I didn’t want her to see that dark, shameful part of me. I couldn’t begin to imagine what she’d think, knowing.

  Even with that though, still I felt this pull to her, a burning desire just to be in her presence, feel her energy, to bask in the sun that seemed to always shine right over her shoulder.

  The backs of my eyes burned. I squeezed them tighter.

  The universe was cruel, to send her to me now, at this point in my life.

  I stuck my face beneath the shower, letting the water wash over the river flowing from my eyes.

  ~ ♥ ~

  It was hard to believe I’d been working at Angelo’s for three years. There were a lot of memories here, and when I thought about it, they were more bad than good. I’d experienced one hell of a heart break here. That wasn’t enough though, I’d had to witness her not only be won over by another guy but watch their public displays of affection. Those days were long gone though and that didn’t bother me so much anymore. I’d just be glad when my last semester was over, so I could leave this place, and all of River Crest, behind.

  Leaving hadn’t always been the plan, but things just didn’t feel the same anymore. My soul was unsettled, and I hadn’t been so alone since my early high school days. Yes, there were others around me, but that didn’t matter much when no one could lift a hand to help me. I was too far out of reach. My problem, it was much too much for those around me to stomach. They’d look at me with different eyes. This was something I didn’t have to wonder, because I’d tried, damn near screamed it, but they didn’t hear me.

  I delivered meals to my awaiting table, then moved on to take the order of the next. I froze a few feet from it, almost shrinking under the death glare trained on me. Part of me wanted to skip past the customer, but she was in my section, so it couldn’t be avoided.

  With a deep sigh, I stepped up to the booth, notepad in hand, and eyes anywhere but hers. “What can I get for you today?”

  “I’ll start with the ‘Why’d you dismiss my best friend like she was nothing?’ with a side of ‘Anyone who hurts her has to deal with me, my fists, and my foot up their ass.’”

  I dropped my pad and sighed again, saying nothing, because what words could defend my actions? I was an asshole, I knew, but things were better this way. I was no good, especially for someone like her.

  Esme cleared her throat. “Are you going to take down my order or do I have to file a complaint?” She crossed her well defined arms and kept her deep, penetrating gaze on me.

  “I didn’t dismiss–”

  “Then why didn’t you return her text, or call her, or…something. Even if you didn’t want to see her again, would it have been so much to let her know instead of leaving her waiting by the phone?”

  “It’s not like th–”

  “Not only are you an asshole, but you made me look like one too. I led her to believe that maybe, just maybe, you were one of the good, decent humans in this world, but I guess I was wrong.”

  “I–”

  “Her tears, her sensitivities, what happened at the bon fire…that isn’t because she’s some emotional freak. She’s–”

  “I know what she is.”

  “You–” Her lethal stare transformed into one of confusion, then shifted to surprise before finally settling on one of disappointment. I knew that one well. “So that’s why? Why you’ve distanced yourself. Why you don’t want to talk to her anymore.”

  “You have no idea how much I want to talk to her.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  I dropped my gaze down to the table.

  She scoffed. “You know, people like you are the reason she doesn’t trust the world.”

  “It’s not what you think.”

  “I don’t care what your reason is. She didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Kirby’s more than what people see. She’s amazing, and goofy, and caring. The smallest things excite her, but the same is true for tearing her apart. That girl cries for the world. A world that isn’t even good enough to have her in it. None of that may mean a thing to you, but she means everything to me and I’m not about to let anyone hurt her.”

  She slid out of the booth then marched away.

  I sighed. The way in which she had described Kirby wracked me with even more guilt. Sure, I may not have gone through with my plan to screw her then forget she existed, but that I even considered it, made me a dog. A girl like Kirby did not deserve the fleas I was sure to give her.

  I suppose it was my punishment that I quite literally couldn’t forget she existed. Her beautiful face and that flowery voice invaded my mind morning, noon, and night.

  Esme’s words echoed. ‘That girl cries for the world.’ If that were true, who was I to cause her even more reason to shed a tear? No, things were better this way. She may not understand it now, but eventually she’d forget all about me.

  I, on the other hand, had a feeling the memory of her, of what could’ve been if I were just a better man, was going nowhere fast, if ever.

  ~ ♥ ~

  Juniper Lake. I’d had my first kiss here. Seemed so long ago, when yet only four years had passed. I used to consider myself pathetic, having been only weeks from turning
eighteen before reaching that milestone. It had taken that long to mature out of my ‘awkward’ phase.

  Now…I wished I could turn back the clock and be that innocent kid again, the one girls didn’t take a second look at.

  In high school, I’d never been anyone’s first choice for a boyfriend, or second, third, fourth, and so on. Never understood why. I was a good guy, always the gentleman, respectful, quick to go the extra mile. Baz said that was my problem. Women didn’t want the good guy, never had, the evidence proved it, he’d explained. Having just experienced the heart break of a life time, I’d found some truth in his words. After all, my dream girl had indeed left me for the epitome of asshole.

  But, whether that were the case or not, the path I’d chosen, one which was marked with his foot prints, hadn’t been the right one. It didn’t mend my heart and it sure as hell didn’t erase the pain I tried so desperately to snuff out with each conquest.

  I couldn’t be mad at him though. He hadn’t put a gun to my head nor forced me to make certain choices, had simply rooted me on.

  A warm summer breeze caressed my skin as I reached the water’s edge and I closed my eyes, letting the manmade lake lap at my bare feet. Water had always been my safe place. Swimming here throughout childhood and adolescence, bath time with my favorite toys as a kid, and as a teen and adult, long showers with a waterfall flowing down my back or face. It was my serenity, and now more than ever, I craved it.

  Slowly, I opened my eyes and gave a brief glance around the semi-crowded beach. It was still hot for late September, so it would probably be a few more weeks until beach traffic slowed down too much.

  A brief glimpse of yellow made me pause. I almost looked away, sure it was just a coincidence or wishful thinking, but then my gaze landed on her. Yellow tank top, yellow Capri pants, and a pair of yellow flip flops in her hand as she walked beside her best friend, smiling. The sun seemed to brighten, and I almost laughed at its audacity to try to compete.

  She moved toward me at a leisure pace, having no idea twenty feet away stood the jerk who had undoubtedly made her cry.

  I scoured the area for an inconspicuous escape. I could just turn and walk away, she probably wouldn’t even notice it was me from behind. I could’ve done that, but my feet wouldn’t budge from their spot and my eyes had yet to leave her.

  Only ten feet were between us when her friend happened to look up. As soon as her gaze landed on me, her smile melted into a hard scowl. The look must’ve alerted Kirby that something was amiss because a second later, her eyes were on me too.

  Both girls stopped, each wearing a different expression. Esme’s was one of pure disgust, and Kirby, those sweet brown eyes filled up with tears. In one swift motion, she turned and hurried back the way they’d come.

  I should’ve let her go, should’ve went the opposite way and never looked back. My legs would’ve done just that, but something else, deep down, propelled me forward. Perhaps it was the fast beating organ inside my chest, or a soul so damn lost and lonely all it wanted was another to hold onto. I wasn’t sure if it was fate, destiny, a coincidence, or just plain dumb luck that she kept ending up in my path, but I was drawn to her. Moth to flame, bee to nectar, I just wanted to be in her presence.

  I was keenly aware that she would likely not allow me that pleasure, and chasing her was a fool’s errand, but a very desperate part of me didn’t care about that huge possibility. To bask in her glow even for a second would be worth the metaphorical door being slammed in my face. Perhaps though, there was still a chance, if I apologized, explained, hell, begged. It was selfish, I knew, but I wanted her in my life. Strange as it may sound, in those miniscule moments I’d spent with her, I’d felt so close to being normal again, my old self. I wanted – no, needed – that and so far, she was the only place I could find it.

  “Kirby, wait.”

  When I stepped in front of her she stopped, eyes focused on her painted toes in the sand. A few tears had leaked down her smooth cheeks and I fought the urge to brush them away.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She didn’t speak or look up at me.

  “I should’ve called you. I have no excuse why I didn’t. I was an asshole.”

  “Damn right,” Esme said, as she caught up to us. She placed a hand on Kirby’s back and rubbed small circles. “You okay, Kirb?”

  Kirby didn’t respond.

  Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my shorts, I sighed deeply. “I’m really, really sorry, Kirby.”

  Finally, she glanced up, only briefly. The tears in her eyes were enough to rip a man in two. Her gaze went to her friend and she spoke softly, “Could you…?”

  Her friend nodded, mean mugging me before moving a few feet down the beach. Far enough to give us the illusion of privacy, but I knew she was listening.

  Kirby’s voice was so low when she spoke that I had to strain to hear her over the noise of the beachgoers. “Esme told me…that you know…what’s wrong with me.”

  “There is nothing wrong with you, Kirby. Not one thing.”

  “But,” she sniffled. “You didn’t call. After what happened at the party…”

  “That was a me issue,” I stepped forward and risked taking her hand into mine, relieved when she didn’t pull away. “It had nothing to do with you. If anything, I’m the one there’s somethings wrong with.”

  Her curious gaze lifted to mine, eyes searching around. “What’s wrong with you?” her soft voice queried.

  I could only sigh. “That’s a long story, but it has nothing to do with your Asperger’s, and it never will.”

  Her eyes dropped again and for a long moment we stood there, hands locked together, saying nothing.

  I was the first to break that silence. “I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. We’re barely more than strangers, but I like you Kirby. That being said, I don’t have the emotional capacity to handle anything more than a friendship right now, but I want…” I paused, searching for the correct words. What did I want?

  When I didn’t continue, her bright eyes, now free of tears, lifted to mine. “You want what?”

  “I just want to know you.”

  Chapter Twelve

  ~ Kirby ~

  “I’m not sure hanging out with him is the best idea, but in supporting you in your own decision making, all I’ll say is, be careful.”

  I paused my hunt in her closet for something cute to wear for my study session with Keem later. “Be careful? That’s all you’re going to say? Because the other day…”

  “I called him a lying fuck boy with a funny shaped head. I know, but–”

  “I like his head shape.”

  My statement was met with an eye roll. “Beside the point.”

  She grabbed a yellow halter top and handed it to me. “I know what I said, and I meant it…at the time.”

  “And now?”

  A thoughtful look crossed her face. “He requires further investigation. I haven’t figured him out yet. So far, from what I’ve learned from you, he has many sides. What we need to figure out is which is the true one.”

  I followed her as she went to sit on the bed. “How do we do that?” Esme was an expert in many subjects, boys especially, so I sat and listened intently.

  “Observation, of course. When you’re with him today, and any other time for that matter, pay close attention to what he does. Talk is cheap. You can tell much more about someone by their actions.”

  I nodded, soaking in all her knowledge. “How do I know what the actions mean?” Navigating people wasn’t close to being my strong suit. I had enough trouble figuring out my own thoughts and emotions.

  “You leave that up to Esme.” She loved referring to herself in the third person. “After any interaction with him, report back to me. We’ll figure it out together.” Excitement flashed in her eyes and she bolted from the bed.

  My curious eyes watched as she took one of the blank pin boards she usually posted her visions on and brought it over. She then
went to her desk and snatched up a stack of colorful index cards, a box of tacks, and a marker, all the while grinning like she’d just met her celebrity crush.

  On one of the card, she wrote: Hakeem.

  “He spells it with an I. Before the K.”

  Esme gave me a weird look and lifted one of her ‘fleeky’ –as she called them– eye brows. “And how do you know that?”

  “I…may have found his Facebook page.”

  She smiled as she tossed the card and got a new one. “Look at you. Detective Kirby on the case.”

  I giggled behind my hand.

  “Okay,” she pinned his name on the center of the board. “What do we know about Mr. ‘Keem’ so far?”

  Chewing my finger, I brought his face to the forefront of my mind. “He’s cute.”

  She gave me a playful eye roll. “I meant something important, Kirb.”

  “That is important. Very important.”

  She shook her head with a laugh. “Okay, Ms. Shallow.”

  Her goofy smile told me she was only joking so I stuck my tongue out at her.

  “Okay, okay,” I said in a more serious tone. “Well, he’s going through something emotionally.” I was curious what that something was but didn’t know him well enough for him to confide in. I wondered if we would ever know each other that well while Esme wrote down that factoid and pinned it to the board.

  “What else?”

  “Um,” I chewed my thumb, pondering. “Oh! He knows about my Asperger’s and it doesn’t bother him.”

  Esme nodded and wrote it down. “Now that’s one quality I like about him. Then there was the night of the bonfire.”