The Silence of Murder

by Dandi Daley Mackall

  I’m relieved to see Chase is already here, sitting in the front row, right behind the defense table. As we pass that row, I risk a glance at him. His hair, uncombed, makes him look wildly handsome. His head is in his hands, so I can’t see much of his face, but enough to tell he hasn’t shaved. I try to catch his eye as we walk toward the judge, but he doesn’t look up.

  I can’t think about Chase now. I can’t worry about anything except Jeremy.

  My brother is already sitting behind the table, looking like his skin won’t hold him, like everything he’s knotted up inside is fixing to bust out.

  The courtroom grows silent as Raymond and I stand in front of the judge. It’s a packed house. I scan the back row, and there’s T.J., sitting with his mom. He nods at me, and I nod back. I’m not sure if I’m glad to see him or not. I think I’m a different person than I was when we were best friends. Is it possible to change so fast? All I know is that the old Hope wouldn’t be standing here, fighting for a chance to speak in front of everybody. But I am.

  Prosecutor Keller strolls up, shoving between Raymond and me so he’s closer to the judge than I am. I watch Keller’s eyebrows arch up and down, like a couple of woolly worms doing calisthenics. Raymond talks fast. Keller interrupts. Raymond talks louder, waving his arms almost like Jeremy.

  “Your Honor, this is ludicrous,” Keller says. I think he also says something about Raymond trying to bring elephants into the courtroom, but I’m having trouble focusing. I want to go sit down with Chase and Jeremy. “The defense’s entire request is absurd.”

  “Absurd?” Raymond shouts back. “Absurd is you bringing in half your staff for your high-tech show-and-tell performance and then having the unmitigated gall to accuse us of wanting to put on a circus!”

  “Mr. Munroe makes a good point, Mr. Keller,” the judge observes calmly.

  “All I’m asking, Your Honor, is to be allowed one assistant and a few glass jars for demonstration and re-creation,” Raymond finishes.

  “With glass jars?” Keller mocks.

  “Unopened jars,” Raymond explains. “And the prosecution is welcome to test each jar for fingerprints and age to ensure they’ve not been opened by the defense or the defense’s assistant, if—”

  “Ridiculous!” Keller throws back his head in a fake laugh.

  “If it’s so ridiculous, then you have nothing to worry about,” Raymond says.

  “Worry? Who says I’m worried?” Keller snorts. “I just don’t want to waste the court’s time with a—”

  “That’ll do,” says the judge. “I’ll be the judge of what wastes the court’s time. I’ve heard enough.” She takes her time leaning back in her chair. “I’ll allow the defense’s request.” She turns to Raymond, who is beaming like he’s won a gold medal. “But, Mr. Munroe, let me remind you that I’m paying close attention. Be careful out there. And tell your assistant to do the same.”

  I smile up at her, but she doesn’t smile back.

  It doesn’t take long for the trial to officially start up again. This time it’s Raymond’s turn to talk to the jury. He starts off his closing argument by recalling the nice things people said under oath about Jeremy. I’d like to listen, but I can’t. I block out everything except Jeremy and his jars. As quietly as I can, with my back to the jury, I put my backpack up on the defense table and start taking out jars. One by one, I set them in front of me, straightening them, arranging each jar in chronological order. I have notes that go with each jar, if the judge lets me get that far. So I set out all my notes.

  Only then do I let myself look at Jeremy. Jer isn’t looking at me. He’s staring at the jars, his eyes soft, his mouth open, lips turned up slightly, like he’s just run into old friends he hasn’t seen for years and missed something awful. When I’m all finished lining up the jars, I take Raymond’s seat next to Jer.

  Raymond is still repeating testimony of the character witnesses, but the jury isn’t looking at him. They’re watching me. Me and Jeremy. Raymond must see this too, because he stops suddenly. Then he says, “I could go on and on and tell you what you’ve already heard, but I don’t want to do that. Instead, I’ve brought with me my assistant. I think you’ll remember her from when she testified before you in court: Hope Long, Jeremy’s sister. I’d like Hope to walk you through what we believe really happened on the day John Johnson was murdered.” He comes over and waits for me to get up so he can sit down.

  My knees wobble when I stand. Something that doesn’t belong in my throat is pounding there. I cough a couple of times as I step around the table and face the jury on the other side of the courtroom. “You guys may be wondering why I brought these empty jars to court this morning,” I begin. “These are just a few of over a hundred glass jars my brother has on shelves that go all the way around his room. Jeremy collects them. You already heard that in court.” I hate my voice. It’s weak and shaky, but I make myself keep going, like I rehearsed. “Collecting empty jars is a weird hobby, but so’s collecting stamps or aluminum foil, or string, or Barbies, or glass fairies, or sea glass, right? My whole life, I thought these were empty jars, that Jeremy was collecting the jars themselves. But I found out different last night when I accidentally knocked into a shelf full of these jars. One fell off and broke.” I glance at Jeremy. “I’m sorry about that, Jer.”

  “Louder, Hope,” Raymond whispers.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpse Keller, itching to stand up and object. I clear my throat and try to speak louder. “Anyway, that’s when I discovered that these jars aren’t empty at all. And that’s why I brought these here—to demonstrate and re-create that day of June eleventh, when somebody murdered John Johnson.” Raymond told me to work those words in, so now I have. “See, each jar is labeled on the bottom with a time and a date.” I hold up the first two jars, one in each hand, and walk them over to the jury and back. “There are labels on the inside, on bits of paper tucked under the lids, so you can’t see them. That’s what I discovered when I broke that jar last night. And I discovered something else too. My brother didn’t collect empty jars. He collected air. Air and moments and memories.”

  I let that one sink in while I set down the two jars. “I brought a few jars from different years so you could get an idea of how Jeremy stored things, all in perfect order. Some days, he collected moments that meant a lot to the whole nation or world, like this one, dated November 4, 2008. I can read the date on the bottom of the jar, but I can’t see the inside label unless I take off the lid, which I don’t want to do, if it’s all the same to you. I’m pretty sure the label will read something like Obama is elected president.”

  I pick up a Mason jar, and it strikes me that the glass is the color of Chase’s eyes early in the morning. “The date on this one is five years ago, July second. I have no idea what’s in here. But if Jeremy doesn’t mind, I’d like to find out the same time you do, just to give us a better idea how this all works.”

  I glance back at Jeremy. He doesn’t give me a go-ahead nod, but he doesn’t freak out either. I take that as a yes and twist the lid. It takes muscle, and for a second I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it off. Then it gives. As I lift that ridged silver lid, I imagine a whoosh of air in my face, and I blink.

  “Yep. There’s a piece of paper wedged in here.” Fingers trembling, I dig out the note and read it, my voice breaking: Air of a sunlit afternoon in Enid, Oklahoma, when Hope and I write funny notes.

  I bite my lip hard enough to keep back tears. I have no idea which afternoon that was or why it meant enough to my brother to save. “I can do another jar like this, if you want,” I say to the judge. “But I’d rather skip to these last ones. They’re all dated June eleventh, the day of the murder.”

  “Why don’t you move on to that day, then, Hope?” The judge widens her eyes at the jury, then turns back to me. “I think the jury understands the collection.”

  I’m relieved, but I can’t remember what’s supposed to come next. “Um … could you hold on just a
minute, please?” I thumb through the note cards I’ve made up until I get to the right one. “Okay. Got it.”

  Raymond leans up and whispers, “Talk to the jury, Hope.”

  “Right.” I step closer to the jurors and begin at the beginning. “That morning of June eleventh, Coach Johnson got up early. It was a cloudy morning, but nobody expected rain. He walked to the ballpark, like he did every game day, so he could post the team roster for the day’s game.” My mind flashes me a picture—not of Coach or the ballpark, but of the roster again, the one I saw in Coach’s office, the one with Chase Wells crossed out and T. J. Bowers written in. I make myself keep going. “Then he went to the barn to do chores. He might have started mucking stalls before Jeremy arrived, just to help him out. We’ll never know that.”

  I go back to the defense table because I need the right jar. “I think that brings us to this next jar. The date is the morning of the murder, and the time is seven-ten a.m.” I take the jar over to the jury box and walk it along the rail while each juror leans forward and studies the date, written with black marker on the bottom of the jar. Juror Number Three pulls her glasses out of her purse and puts them on. Juror Number Eight waves me away as soon as I get to him.

  “Seven-ten in the morning,” I repeat. “That means the air in this jar was collected by Jeremy a few minutes after Rita got to the barn. Remember how Rita was so sure she got there at seven minutes after seven? Seven-oh-seven.”

  I study the lid of this jar that I think may have held grape jelly once. “I haven’t opened this jar before,” I tell the jury. “But I’m going to do it right now.” I twist the lid in one turn and pick out the label from the underside of the lid. My heart is jumping in my chest, making my hands shake. I can barely unfold the jagged paper. I read: A fortress of gray clouds as I walk to the barn on game day. My heart stops thundering. I try not to show how relieved I am, but I shoot up a Jeremy-style prayer of thanks.

  “We know that Jeremy got up really early too because he always did. He couldn’t wait to put on his Panther uniform. Jer loved game day. He was so excited about the game that he must have stopped to write this note and collect air on his walk to the barn.

  “Jeremy makes it to the barn and parks his bat, like always, and maybe his batting gloves—we don’t know for sure. He starts to look for Coach, but he hears voices. Arguing. Screaming—at least Rita was. Maybe he’d seen Rita’s car, and maybe he hadn’t. It doesn’t matter. He walks toward the shouting, but Jeremy hates arguing, so he stops, maybe hides.

  “And that’s when Jeremy hears something he never thought he’d hear. His own mother shouts, ‘Jeremy is your son! You better pay up.’ Or something like that. Those words would ring in Jeremy’s ears. Your son. Jeremy is your son. Coach’s son! Can you imagine what went through Jeremy’s mind? He had a father, the best father in the whole world. Coach was already the best man in Jeremy’s world. Now he had a father who was kind and good to him, who loved him.”

  I can’t look at Jeremy. I won’t look at Jeremy. He’ll make me stop. Or he’ll cry, and I’ll want to stop.

  “So what does Jeremy do next? He does not want to hear his parents argue. He wants to let those words play in his head: Jeremy is your son. So he races out of the barn, grabbing his pack with his jars in it—he has to record this day, this moment of all moments. He stumbles to the pasture, and there’s old Sugar. He’s ridden her bareback with the halter a dozen times before. So he jumps on that old pinto and rides. Beside himself with joy, he circles the pasture on Sugar—people saw him. Pretty soon, the old horse slows down and goes back to grazing, with Jeremy on her back.

  “Maybe that’s when Jer gets off the horse. Maybe he rolls in the grass, or twirls in the pasture, or dances a jig—who knows? Having a dad feels too good to be true.”

  I walk back to the defense table and take up the next jar, a honey jar, dimpled on the sides. “This is a day that Jeremy Long … Jeremy Johnson … never wants to forget. His world has changed in one moment. He has a dad. A daddy. And he already loves John Johnson. So he takes out this honey jar from his backpack. He writes the date on the bottom of the jar with his special pen that writes on glass, the pen he always carries with him. And he writes the time, 7:44 a.m.”

  I walk the jar over to the jury, showing them the flat bottom with the date and time in black calligraphy. “Can’t you see him, waving the jar high above his head and snapping on the lid, capturing the glorious air on the day he found out he had a father, a kind and loving father?”

  I pop open the jar. I’m dizzy, woozy with the air in this jar, or the lack of it in the courtroom. I wish I’d read the note first. I unfold the note and read it to the jury. “It says, Air on my first Father’s Day.” Tears try to squeeze up my throat. My mouth fills with them, and I have to swallow so hard it hurts.

  I go back to the table and trade jars, choosing the next one in line. I’ve already read the time written on the bottom of this one. “This next jar is labeled only three minutes later, three minutes after the last jar filled with air of a special ‘Father’s Day.’ ” I show the date and time to the jury. “I think there was too much joy in Jeremy for only one jar. So he had to use another.” I’m pretty sure this note will be filled with more hallelujahs about having a dad, but I open it anyway. The courtroom has gone quiet, not even a cough. I read the note out loud: Chase runs toward the sun on my Father’s Day.

  I stare at the slip of paper in my hand, Jeremy’s tight calligraphy still dancing on the paper. I read it again, to myself this time.

  But Chase didn’t run that day.

  I don’t understand. I try to catch Chase’s attention, but his head is down. My stomach cramps. Tiny claws pinch my insides. How could Jeremy have seen Chase if he didn’t run that day? Chase said he didn’t run on game days.

  “Hope,” Raymond whispers, loud enough for me to hear, “open the last jar.”

  I don’t move.

  “You want me to do it?” Raymond asks, reaching for it. When I don’t answer, he picks up the jar and stands. Numb, I watch as he turns the jar upside down and faces the jury. “This jar is dated the same day, June eleventh, the day of the murder. The time written on the bottom is 8:01.” Raymond turns to me, frowning. “That’s right before Mrs. McCray came into the barn and found John Johnson dead.” Slowly, he rolls the jar in his hands until it’s right side up. He walks toward the jury, his hand on the lid of the final jar.

  I can’t let him do it. I run after him. “No! Don’t!” Grabbing the jar from his hands, I beg him. “Please? Please, Raymond. I’ll read it.”

  He nods and sits back down.

  I hold the jar gently, the glass cool in my hand. At last, I turn to my brother. I’m still afraid he’ll shout at me with his eyes, scream for me to stop. But he’s not even looking at me. Instead, he’s gazing up, smiling, taking deep breaths of the air I’ve released into the courtroom, his father’s air. He closes his eyes and inhales so long I half expect him to float away.

  I move in closer to the jury and hold up the jar so the jurors can see the lid, the dark red dried in the ridges of the rim. “You can see this is blood that—”

  Keller objects, and the judge sustains.

  But I know they’ve seen it, the blood. “Jeremy has been happier than he’s ever been in his life. A father. A loving father. With that air tucked away in his jars, he goes back to the barn. We may never know what he planned to do. Maybe he’d just watch John Johnson in a new light from now on. Maybe he’d hug his father and draw him pictures to tape to his refrigerator. Maybe my brother would have spoken, called him Daddy.

  “But Jeremy never gets the chance. Instead, when he walks into the barn, he doesn’t see his father. He searches the stalls for him. Then Jer spots him, his father, lying in a muddy red pool of sawdust and blood. Does he scream? Does he cry? Whatever else he does, he runs to his father and kneels beside him. The blood soaks into his uniform. He hugs this man who has been his father for less than an hour. Hugs and rocks him
.

  “And then what does he do? Jeremy Long does the only thing that’s ever put order in his world. He takes out his last jar, writes the date and time on the bottom: June 11, 8:01 a.m. And he captures this air.” I open the jar and think I feel a rush of stale air, scented with blood and death. Behind me, Jeremy moans as the death air mixes with the Father’s Day air, with the air of game day, with Chase running, and with a father’s breath leaving his body. Then I pull out the slip of paper tucked away inside the lid, and I read it: Air of blood and my dead father.

  I’m not the only one crying in this room. I hear sniffles from the spectators. In a blur, I see T.J., and he’s standing up, crying. And Rita, in the very back row. Sobbing.

  But I have to finish. I don’t want to. But it’s the only way left. “Poor Jeremy. There he is—no father. Only a mother, a mother he last saw arguing with the man lying on the ground. A mother Jeremy loves, no matter what she’s done. He has to protect her. He stands up, grabs the bloody bat, and races home, where he’ll try to hide the bat … to save his mother.”

  These are the words I rehearsed all night. I couldn’t let myself think of what might happen to Rita because of them, because of my words. I believed those words. I’m not sure Raymond did, but I did.

  Only now, they don’t sound right. They don’t ring true in this courtroom. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

  I have to keep going. “My brother didn’t kill John Johnson. He was protecting someone he thought did, someone he loves.” As I say this, I’m meaning for them to understand that Rita did it, that Jeremy didn’t. This is what I’ve rehearsed, what I’ve believed. And yet, something nags at me inside. The air I’m breathing swirls in my head, making me dizzy—death, fathers, sons, baseball, and Chase running. Why was he running toward the sun, away from the barn? He said he hadn’t gone near the barn that morning. Why would he lie?