Hottest Heads of State
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JANUARY 10, 1861
Florida secedes from the Union. Oh well, at least we still have Alabama.
JANUARY 11, 1861
Alabama secedes from the Union. Nooooooooooo!
JANUARY 19, 1861
Georgia secedes. Do we have to keep saying “from the Union” each time? That’s implied, right?
JANUARY 26, 1861
Louisiana secedes. Now everyone has to celebrate Mardi Gras in Missouri.
FEBRUARY 1, 1861
Texas secedes. The real question is, when did we agree to let Texas back in?
MARCH 4, 1861
Abraham Lincoln is inaugurated. You know how sometimes when you leave a job, you secretly hope that the next guy will mess everything up so that all of your old coworkers finally realize how wonderful you were? Yeah. That did not happen to James Buchanan.
The closest Buchanan came to marrying was when he was engaged to a woman (!) named Ann Coleman. Ann broke off their engagement after accusing Buchanan of not showing her enough affection. A few days later, she died of a broken heart. Yes, apparently that’s a real thing! Ask any doctor in 1819. Buchanan always used this story to explain why he never married. But other people have their own theories as to why he never married, including: He’s homosexual, he’s asexual, he just hasn’t met the right person yet (you), he’s secretly the pope. (That last one is ours!)
Here’s a Tip
A fun way to tease James Buchanan is to ask him how many states there were in the Union when his term as president began compared to when it ended.
Vital Stats
Looks: 6
And who is this tall drink of hair gel? Oh that’s right—it’s James Buchanan!
Physique: 4
One biographer described Buchanan as resembling “an erect, two-footed tyrannosaur.” When compared to the other presidents, we’re going to say that puts him at about a 4.
Charisma: 4
Buchanan has a sharp legal mind, and if there’s one thing the American people love, it is listening to complicated legal arguments.
Ability to grow facial hair: 0
There is no evidence that Buchanan ever needed to shave, whereas most presidents leave behind a trail of beard clippings.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
1861–1865 | Republican
If you’re reading in bed, you’re going to want to turn on the lights for this one. Picture, if you will, a giant, gaunt man with sunken cheeks and shadowed eyes, draped in a dark suit and silk top hat. When he speaks, it is in an eerily high-pitched, backwoods drawl. He is obsessed with death. And he is very, very skilled with an axe.
Pretty spooky, right? But we’re actually just talking about Abraham Lincoln! And there’s no reason to be scared of Abraham Lincoln, unless you’re a local bully, a confederacy, or a tree.
As you may be aware, Lincoln led the United States in its defeat of pro-slavery separatists in the 1861–1865 Civil War, and most historians consider him to be our greatest president. This is patently unfair, since no other presidents have had a chance to win a civil war, and maybe they would have done even better than Lincoln. But that’s historians for you. Unfair.
Here’s a Tip
Don’t go to the theater with Abraham Lincoln. He is too tall and will block everyone’s view of the stage. He shouldn’t ever go to the theater, and you shouldn’t be encouraging him.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
You know what they say about the size of a man’s hands! (They say the bigger his hands, the more likely it is he will save the Union.)
Why You’ll Love Him
He’s good with an axe. Growing up on the frontier, Lincoln became a skilled rail-splitter and woodcutter. (And not the kind of “rail splitting” and “woodcutting” you’re thinking about. Get your mind out of the gutter!) And here’s a job-hunting tip: If you need to give your résumé some pop, try adding “good with an axe.”
He’s a wrestler. When Lincoln moved to New Salem, Illinois, the leader of a local gang called the Clary’s Grove Boys challenged him to a fight. With the whole town watching, Lincoln picked the gang leader up by the neck and shook him, then offered to take on the rest of his gang one by one. Instead, the gang leader offered his hand in friendship. Lincoln took over the Clary’s Grove Boys, and one of his first acts as their leader was getting them to stop putting townspeople inside barrels and rolling them down hills.
He’s a Whig. The next time someone tells you that the GOP is the “Party of Lincoln,” point out that Lincoln spent most of his career as a Whig. Then, urge them to follow Lincoln’s example and join the Whig Party, because people, we can make this happen.
He has a sense of humor. Lincoln arguably has the best sense of humor of any president. Here is a joke of his that you can use: Once, President Lincoln was visited by a man who started giving him a bunch of unsolicited policy advice. After two hours of this, Lincoln grabbed the man’s leg and said, “Mr. Harvey, what tremendous great calves you have got!” This is a hilarious and fail-safe way to end your meetings at work. Maybe forever!
He’s a storyteller. When you grow up in a one-room, firelit log cabin, you learn how to tell long stories to pass the time, and Lincoln was a mesmerizing and entertaining storyteller. If he settles down in a rocking chair and starts to spin a yarn, just say, “Abe, I have great news. TV has been invented.”
SCANDAL!
As you may recall from trying to flirt with your Latin teacher, habeas corpus is Latin for “you may have the body.” But habeas corpus isn’t just an awkward Latin come-on. It also stands for a bedrock principle in Western legal thought: the government can’t just lock someone away and deny them trial or due process.
But what if you really want to have the army arrest someone you think is a Confederate sympathizer and detain them without trial indefinitely? This is exactly what Lincoln wanted to do, so he decreed a suspension of the writ of habeas corpus in some parts of the country. U.S. Chief Justice Roger Taney issued an order that Lincoln had no right to suspend habeas corpus. But Lincoln ignored him and did it anyway, joining the club of “presidents who have ignored Supreme Court decisions.” This is a club that just includes Lincoln and Andrew Jackson.
Generally speaking, you should never join any club that includes Andrew Jackson. But in Lincoln’s defense, Chief Justice Taney also wrote the Dred Scott decision. If you’re going to ignore any Supreme Court Justice, it should be Taney. In fact, if you’re both black and a U.S. citizen, you’re ignoring his Dred Scott decision right now! We genuinely wish Taney were here to see it.
Abraham Lincoln,
Attorney at Law
Lincoln is a self-taught lawyer, which is the best kind if what you’re hoping for is a case that is interesting. Here are some of Lincoln’s greatest hits:
Lincoln successfully defended his cousin “Peachy” on murder charges, presumably by pointing out to the jury that the guy was named “Peachy.”
A witness claimed to have seen Lincoln’s client commit murder by the light of the moon. Lincoln, in a dramatic moment, pulled out a Farmers’ Almanac and showed that there was no moon that night. So if you’re ever on trial for murder and your lawyer pulls out a copy of the Farmers’ Almanac, breathe a sigh of relief.
Lincoln was hired by a high-powered East Coast legal team for a corporate case in Chicago. They wanted someone cheap and local, and when you think “cheap and local,” you think “Abraham Lincoln.” But then the trial was moved to Cincinnati, so they replaced him with a different lawyer.
But they didn’t tell Lincoln they’d replaced him, and he showed up in Cincinnati eager to try the big case. Upon seeing him, his replacement, a Pittsburgh lawyer named Edwin Stanton, said, “Where did this long-armed baboon come from?” And Lincoln was made to sit in the audience instead of with the other lawyers, because they were embarrassed by how weird and dorky he looked.
Then, seven years later, Lincoln made Stanton his secretary of war, and together they won the Civil War. So, the moral of this story i
s that if you humiliate your coworkers, it will probably turn out great in the end … and it might even save the republic!
DIY PROJECT:
MAKE YOUR OWN LINCOLN/TODD WEDDING SCRAPBOOK
Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd didn’t create a wedding scrapbook. But that shouldn’t stop you from creating one for them! We promise it won’t be creepy at all. To help you get started, here are some ideas for what a scrapbook of their magical day might include.
LINCOLN’S WEDDING DAY LETTER TO MARY
On the day of their wedding, Lincoln decided that on second thought, maybe he didn’t want to marry Mary Todd. So he wrote her a breakup letter telling her he didn’t love her and asked his close friend Joshua Speed to deliver it. Speed, to his credit, urged Lincoln to tell Mary directly. (Although maybe Speed also thought it would be weird for him to deliver the letter, given that he and Lincoln had been sharing a bed for three years.*)
CALENDAR WITH NOVEMBER 4, 1842 CIRCLED
This is the day that Abraham and Mary announced that their engagement was back on, and also that they were going to get married that same day. To capture some of the romantic magic, make sure to include what Lincoln said when a friend asked him where he was going: “To hell.”
BEST MAN REMARKS
Lincoln’s best man later captured some of the future president’s giddy mood that day, noting that Lincoln “looked and acted as if he were going to the slaughter.” That sure sounds like wedding day jitters to us!
ROBERT LINCOLN’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE
The Lincolns’ son, Robert, was born nine months to the day after their wedding. Do you know what isn’t nine months long, contrary to popular belief? The human gestation period.
Happily ever after!
*But just as friends! Good, good friends who sleep in the same cozy double bed every night and send each other letters signed “Yours forever,” just like you do with your friends.
Pop QUIZ
Are you Abraham Lincoln’s Soul Mate?
You know you’ve made a connection with someone when you can finish each other’s sentences. Let’s see if you can do it with Abraham Lincoln.
Four score and seven years _____.
a. ago.
b. is a long time to go without brushing your teeth.
A house divided against itself cannot ______.
a. stand
b. really be called a house, per se. What you’re thinking of is a duplex.
With malice toward none, with charity for ______.
a. all
b. none, but at least I don’t have any malice.
Now we are engaged in a great civil ____.
a. war
b. war reenactment, so I don’t want to see any cell phones out there.
The angels of our better _____.
a. nature.
b. nativity set. Those are the angels I want to use for the diorama. Please go get them, they’re under my pillow.
Government of the people, by the people, and for the ____.
a. people
b. love of God, we’ve tried that since 1776; when are we going to finally admit that it doesn’t work and just install a king?
Sort-of Fun Facts
Lincoln had a rural Kentucky accent, pronouncing get as “git,” there as “thar,” and so forth. So the next time someone demands you recite the Gettysburg Address from memory, just mumble incoherently in a fake twang.
Lincoln thought the Declaration of Independence was a better expression of freedom, justice, and equality before the law than the Constitution, what with its “We’ll count slaves as three-fifths of a person,” and similar fine print. And he has a point! It just goes to show that if you need a moving articulation of individual liberty, don’t pick a slaveholder like James Madison to write it. Pick a slaveholder like Thomas Jefferson.
Lincoln’s mother died of food poisoning, and his family moved to Illinois because they were fleeing an outbreak of contaminated milk. And yet his favorite food was imported oysters. If it’s the 1800s, you probably shouldn’t eat oysters that have been imported from any farther away than you can throw an oyster.
Vital Stats
Looks: 3
There are a lot of reasons to love Lincoln, but most people—including Lincoln himself—would agree that looks are not one of them. Although for a dissenting view, Lincoln’s personal secretary said Lincoln’s face, “moved through a thousand delicate gradations of line and contour, light and shade, sparkle of the eye and curve of the lip.” Sounds like his secretary was getting a lot done at work and definitely not just spending all day gazing at Lincoln.
Physique: 8
Too often, we think of Lincoln as tall and scrawny. Lincoln is tall and very skinny, but also bizarrely strong. There are multiple, credible stories of him lifting loads up to 1,000 pounds, which some humans can do, but usually not ones who look like Lincoln. He would win bets by picking up barrels of whisky that weighed several hundred pounds and drinking from them. And in his very first political speech, he spotted a violent troublemaker in the crowd and literally picked him up and threw him. That crowd only had room for one violent troublemaker, and it was Lincoln!
Charisma: 7
Lincoln exercises a magnetic pull on people, but he is awkward in social interactions, afraid of women, and a poor orator. When he delivered the Gettysburg Address, it flopped. And only afterward, when people read it in print, did they start thinking it was halfway decent. Fortunately for Lincoln, his moral courage, vision, and strength comes through in his writing, and people in the 19th century were a lot more likely to read his statements than hear or see them. In fact, it’s fun to imagine what kinds of presidents we would have today if radio and television had never been invented.
No, wait. Not “fun.” What’s the opposite of fun?
Ability to grow facial hair: 7
Amazingly, Lincoln’s beard made its first public appearance at his inauguration. Did this surprise beard help cause the Civil War? Before you answer “no,” try to imagine what would have happened if Barack Obama had shown up on his inauguration day with a full, luxuriant beard. (What would have happened is a civil war.)
PRESIDENTIAL
BEST BEARDS
TREND REPORT
Thomas Jefferson once wrote that all men are created equal … except when it comes to growing beards!
OK, technically Thomas Jefferson only wrote the first part, and the rest was written by Walt Whitman. We’ve done an exhaustive search of presidents’ chins and narrowed it down to the top five best beards to serve as commander-in-chief (of beards). Join us as we take a look back through history to see which presidents have the best beards, and by extension are the best presidents.
Lincoln lands in the #5 spot because part of his beard is missing, and what remains is styled to look like a tiny curtain. He adopted this look on the advice of an 11-year-old girl who thought he would look more handsome with facial hair. And she was right! If nothing else, it distracts from whatever is going on with his ear.
OK, NOW we’re talking. (Talking about beards!) Ulysses S. Grant’s beard is everything that a beard should be: facial hair covering a man’s lower cheeks and chin.
Are you into Santa? Really into Santa?
Since you’ve probably already been banned from your local mall, why not try sitting in Benjamin Harrison’s lap? His frosty white beard will tickle your cheek as you lean in close to ask him for a present. (Hopefully you asked for a new import tariff, because that’s what you’re getting.)
Rutherford B. Hayes’s beard is so long and dense that you just want to run your fingers through it and—uh oh, your fingers got stuck! Hayes is not going to be happy with you when he wakes up.
CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES A. GARFIELD!
Garfield doesn’t top many lists of presidential superlatives, except for “most quickly assassinated,” but you have to admit, the guy really knows how to grow a beard. (The secret is to sit there and do nothing!)
ANDREW JOHNSON
You’re now here, and you’re probably getting nostalgic for here, when you got to meet Andrew Jackson. Well, we’ve got good news. Just 28 years after Jackson’s term ended, another hot-tempered, populist, hillbilly demagogue from Tennessee became president. Let us introduce you to the president named Andrew who isn’t on the twenty-dollar bill: Andrew Johnson. (Or “Andy” to his friends, like you and Abraham Lincoln.)
Like some of our greatest presidents, Andy Johnson grew up poor and uneducated. Unlike some of our greatest presidents, Johnson was not one of our greatest presidents. His only real political skills were 1) whipping up crowds with fiery speeches, and 2) not betraying the Union. And you’re probably just as good as him at at least one of those things.
When the South seceded, Johnson was the only sitting senator from a Confederate state who remained loyal to the United States. That’s how he got the job as Lincoln’s running mate. But Johnson only opposed secession because he had grown up poor and resented the Southern plantation aristocracy—not because he opposed slavery. He was fine with slavery. But hey, no one’s perfect! And that’s especially true of Andy Johnson.
Andrew Johnson’s first love was a girl named Mary Wood. But when he proposed to her, she turned him down … even though he had sewn her a quilt! We hate to tell this to all the teenage boys out there who are sewing quilts for their crushes, but if you want to win someone’s heart, you’ll need to sew TWO quilts.