by J. D. Dobson
He first got involved in politics because he could not help but be sucked in by all of the energy and excitement surrounding the Whig party.
Hayes began the tradition of the White House Easter Egg Roll, and now every year thousands of confused children are made to roll eggs across the White House lawn with a spoon.
MINI POSTER!
It’s hard to get through a whole day without looking at a photo of young Rutherford B Hayes. That’s why we’ve included this Rutherford B. Hayes mini-poster for you to cut out and put in your locker. If you don’t have a locker, just tape it to your windshield.
(Safety warning: If you do tape it to your windshield, make sure you won’t need to crane your neck to look at it. Eyes straight ahead on the road, and/or on Rutherford B. Hayes!)
Vital Stats
Looks: 6
Before you make up your mind about this one, you need to look at a photo of him from when he was young. It’s like a song you can’t get out of your head.
Physique: 6
Like everything else with Hayes, there’s nothing to complain about here. But there’s also nothing to be excited about, like a third arm.
Charisma: 4
Hayes is not an especially memorable speaker, which is why you can’t remember any of his speeches.
Civil War service: 8
Hayes was the only president to be wounded fighting in the Civil War, and he was wounded a lot. At one point he was even reported to be dead! And who knows, maybe he was dead, and some other guy stole his identity and grew a gigantic beard to disguise his face. The more we think about it, this is definitely what happened.
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES
JAMES A. GARFIELD
1881–a few months later | Republican
The more you learn about James Garfield, the more you are going to fall in love with him. Which is too bad, because he has already been spoken for—by me, Kate!
With that in mind, you’re probably better off not reading this section on Garfield, unless it’s an emergency. Like if you’re writing a paper on James Garfield that’s due tomorrow, and this was the only book about presidents available from the library, because you have a terrible library.
James Garfield is a self-made man—by which I mean that he pulled himself out of poverty through hard work, and not that he assembled his own body out of atoms like Doctor Manhattan in The Watchmen. (Although that would have been impressive, too, in its own way.) Garfield’s family was desperately poor—so poor that the future president didn’t own a pair of shoes until he was four. In spite of his shoe-related hardships, Garfield rose quickly in the world. And the secret to his success is simply that he’s a really good guy. It just goes to show that anyone can become president, if they’re friendly, hardworking, handsome, brilliant, mesmerizingly charismatic, and male.
There is every indication that Garfield would have been an amazing president, if he hadn’t been shot in the back by a mentally ill man who wanted to be ambassador to France. In an ironic twist, assassinating the president made that guy even less likely to be appointed ambassador to France.
MAYBE YOU DIDN’T REALIZE THAT AS YOU READ THROUGH THIS BOOK YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CALLING “DIBS.”
Why You’ll I Love Him
He’s modest. Garfield never “toots his own horn,” which means both that he does not brag about himself and also that he does not play the horn.
He hates slavery. I don’t know about you, but I could never be with a man who was OK with slavery.
He doesn’t hold a grudge. Garfield can’t bear to stay mad at anyone. This is a very important quality to me, because I am constantly wronging loved ones.
He’s affectionate. Don’t be surprised if, instead of shaking your hand, Garfield pulls you in for a hug. He’s like that with everyone! It definitely doesn’t mean he’s interested in you.
He loves to play with his kids. Which means more time for me to sit back and watch TV!
He loves his mom. I’m not actually all that crazy about this one.
James A. Garfield: Science Genius
Despite having a bullet lodged in his back, Garfield might have survived if the doctors treating him WOULD HAVE WASHED THEIR FREAKING HANDS. But even in death, Garfield has contributed way more to science than you ever have. (I’m talking to you, Stephen Hawking!)
METAL DETECTORS
Alexander Graham Bell invented the metal detector while trying to locate the bullet in Garfield’s back. So when you finally find that chest of pirate gold buried on the beach, make sure you thank James Garfield! And his assassin. And Alexander Graham Bell, I guess.
AIR-CONDITIONING
The air conditioner was invented to keep Garfield’s recovery room cool, and there is literally nothing I love more than air-conditioning. (Sorry, kids!)
ACCEPTANCE OF GERM THEORY
After Garfield died, American surgeons finally accepted that washing their hands and sterilizing their instruments wasn’t a total waste of time, depending on whether or not they wanted their patients to live.
JAMES GARFIELD vs. MATT DAMON’S
CHARACTER IN GOOD WILL HUNTING
Born into poverty James Garfield’s family was so poor they had to work on a farm instead of doing something more fun, like competing in dressage. In the opening scenes of Good Will Hunting, we can tell that Matt Damon’s character is really poor because he has no furniture in his house but a weirdly large amount of furniture in his front yard.
Was a school janitor Another student might be teased for working part-time as the school janitor, but being covered in soot all the time only made James Garfield even sexier. Matt Damon keeps the hallway floors at MIT so clean that you can and should eat off of them.
Self-taught lawyer In his spare time, James Garfield taught himself law. His first case was before the Supreme Court, and he won! Which sounds impressive, but if you think about it, the odds are 50/50. Matt Damon uses his vast knowledge of the law to defend himself from a variety of criminal charges, including “mayhem,” which I think means he cut off someone’s leg.
Good at math James Garfield discovered an original proof of the Pythagorean Theorem while chatting with some fellow congressmen about math. If you’ve ever spent time on Capitol Hill, you know how congressmen are always gabbing about math! Struggling with your math homework? Just hang it on the wall inside any building on MIT’s campus and Matt Damon will come and do it for you while you’re asleep. This is one of the perks of living in Cambridge.
Ladies man At one point, James Garfield had three girlfriends. Well, technically it was two girlfriends and one fiancée. Matt Damon is so charming that Minnie Driver gives him her phone number. If you’ve ever met Minnie Driver, then you know how hard it is to convince her to give you her phone number.
Timeline of James A. Garfield
Blasting Through Every Barrier
Life Puts in His Way
1831
James Garfield is born, weighing a whopping 10 pounds. So he is even great at parasitically siphoning nourishment from his mother.
1851
Enrolls in college. Pays his tuition by working as the janitor.
1852
Promoted from janitor to professor. So he’s either an amazing student or this is a terrible school, or both.
1856
Promoted from professor to school president, even though he is only 26. (So it probably is a terrible school.)
1861– 1862
Joins the Union army and, with no military experience, leads his regiment into battle against a more experienced, better equipped Confederate general. Stays up all night coming up with a zany scheme to trick the rebels into thinking he has more men than he really does. And his plan works, because he is James Garfield and his plans always work, except for his “Don’t get assassinated” plan.
1880
Gives an off-the-cuff speech at the Republican convention nominating someone else for president. His speech is so amazing that everyone decides to nominate Garf
ield instead. So on the one hand, he failed to get his candidate nominated. But on the other hand—pretty good speech!
Pop QUIZ
Match wits with James Garfield by seeing if you, too, can come up with an original proof of the Pythagorean theorem. (Here’s a hint: If your last line isn’t “a2 + b2 = c2”, then you’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.)
If c is the hypotenuse of a right triangle and a and b are the other two sides, prove that the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Sorry, this feels mean—dangling James Garfield in front of you, even though he can never be yours!
James Garfield’s mother wanted nothing more than for her youngest son to get an education. But Garfield didn’t listen to her, because the sea was calling him. (It was saying, “Hey, James Garfield! It’s me, the sea. Come live on top of my head!”)
Unfortunately, Garfield lived in rural Ohio, and the closest thing to a sea was the Ohio and Erie Canal. Fortunately, the canal was also calling to him. (It said, “Hey, James Garfield, I’m just as good as the sea! Only slightly narrower and full of mud.”) So at age 16, Garfield left home and took a job aboard a canal boat.
Garfield’s story might have ended here, because he didn’t know how to swim, and he kept falling into the canal. In six weeks, he fell into the canal 14 times. After almost drowning, Garfield decided to give up his dream of a life at sea and return home. After all that he’d been through, school was starting to look pretty good. (Well, it looked OK.)
JAMES GARFIELD IS THE LAST OF OUR PRESIDENTS TO HAVE BEEN BORN IN A LOG CABIN, BECAUSE AMERICANS WERE FINALLY STARTING TO FIGURE OUT THAT LIVING IN A LOG CABIN IS NOT AS FUN AS THE LOG INDUSTRY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE.
Vital Stats
Looks: 8
I could gaze into those pale blue eyes all day. (OK, maybe not ALL day! 12 hours max.)
Physique: 9
James Garfield has the broad, muscular shoulders of a man who has repeatedly pulled himself out of a canal.
Charisma: 9
Garfield has been able to seduce me even though he is nearly 150 years older than me and communicates solely through the medium of history books. That’s charisma!
Filial devotion: 10
Garfield had his mother move into the White House with him and personally carried her up and down the stairs, I guess because she was really lazy.
CHESTER A. ARTHUR
1881–1885 | Republican
Wait, don’t just skip this page! We know it might not seem like it on its face, but the truth is, you could do a lot worse than Chester A. Arthur.
Sure, you’re skeptical. America was skeptical at first, too. Upon hearing the news that Arthur was to become president, one prominent Republican cried out, “Chet Arthur? President of the United States? Good God!” And that guy was his friend.
No one minded when Arthur was the vice president, because America will let literally anyone be vice president. Arthur got the job in order to appease a group of Republicans known as the Stalwarts (because they were “stalwart” in their support of Ulysses S. Grant and government corruption in general. It’s kind of refreshing how upfront they were about it!) The leader of the Stalwarts was a guy named Roscoe Conkling, and Arthur was his loyal sidekick. They were just like Batman and Robin, if instead of fighting crime, Batman and Robin handed out government jobs in exchange for donations to the Republican Party.
When James Garfield was assassinated, the entire country collectively banged their foreheads against the wall when they realized that Chester A. Arthur was in line to become president. But you know what? Arthur rose to the occasion. He blew off Roscoe Conkling and instituted a civil service based on merit rather than greasy bags of cash. He built up the navy, urged Congress to pass new civil rights legislation, and fought discrimination against Chinese immigrants. In the end, America was pleasantly surprised by Chester A. Arthur. Or, if not pleasantly surprised, it was at least mildly indifferent. And we think that if you give him a chance, you’ll be pleasantly surprised, too. Or at least mildly indifferent.
Chester A. Arthur might have been Canadian. Either that or he was from Vermont, which some say is just as bad.
Why You’ll Love Him
He has style. Of course, you already knew this. You can tell just by looking at him—this is a man who has his finger on the pulse of appropriate whisker length.
He’s a gourmand. That means he likes fancy food, not that he is some kind of half-man, half-gourd. Although that would be pretty great, too, if you like decorative gourds.
He doesn’t like to work. This is probably what made the job of vice president so appealing to him in the first place.
He makes a good sidekick. And you’ve been wanting a sidekick! He can ride in a sidecar attached to your regular car, and then you won’t have to sit in the same car with him.
He’s in touch with his emotions. This is a nice way of saying that he cries a lot.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Chester A. Arthur will never complain that you’re spending too much time on your hair.
SCANDAL!
When there has been an attempt on the president’s life, whom do you first suspect? That’s right: the vice president.
After James Garfield was shot, rumors started flying that Chester A. Arthur was involved. It didn’t help that Garfield’s assassin shouted out “I am a Stalwart, and Arthur will be president!” while he was being dragged away by police. In fact, that definitely made things worse. But once investigators looked into Arthur’s tearful, puppy-dog eyes, they could tell that he’d had nothing to do with the assassination. Well that, or they just decided that they didn’t care to investigate any further. Either way!
CAUGHT ON FILM! CLOTH!
THIS CAMPAIGN HANDKERCHIEF DEPICTS A RARE PHOTOGRAPH IN WHICH JAMES GARFIELD PINCHED CHESTER A. ARTHUR’S BUTT JUST AS THE SHUTTER OPENED.
Here’s a Tip
If you want to help Chester A. Arthur achieve great things, all he needs is a little encouragement. After James Garfield was shot, Arthur started receiving letters from a strange woman who urged him to prove his critics wrong by becoming a great president. It’s hard to say how much these letters influenced Arthur, but he did save them, and he even surprised this woman by showing up at her house one day. She was so shy that she would only speak to him from behind a curtain. So our tip is that you should hang curtains in your house, so you have a place to hide in case Chester A. Arthur ever stops by.
Vital Stats
Looks: 1
With his sad brown eyes and equally sad brown whiskers, Chester A. Arthur looks like a seal. And not one of those cute seals, either. One of those scary seals that crawls into your house through a drain pipe.
Physique: 2
“Seal” isn’t a body type many people are into. If you don’t believe us, try creating a dating profile that describes your body as “seal-like,” and see what happens. (Do not agree to meet with anyone who responds. He or she might be a seal!)
Charisma: 3
Arthur is easy to get along with, but he’s not the kind of guy who steals the limelight. Somehow, this was true even when he was the president.
Pants: 10
How does a man who owns 80 pairs of pants become president of the United States? Well, part of the answer is that the guy who was elected president got assassinated.
1789–1960
It can be pretty hard for politicians to remain faithful to their wives. As former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich once explained, “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” Specifically, cheating on his wife.
It’s hard to know what lesson to take from this, other than that you should include “I promise to keep my passionate feelings about America under control” in your wedding vows. But the upshot is that throughout history, many U.S
. presidents have stepped out on their wives and “entered the Oval Office,” so to speak. Test your knowledge of White House infidelities by seeing if you can match each mistress to her presidential lover!
Important notes:
1
We’ve included some affairs that are only strongly rumored. Why include rumors? Because it’s important to spread rumors, or else they will gradually die out.
2
What about slaves? Human relationships are complicated, but we don’t think the Venn Diagram of “enslaved women” and “consenting partners” has a TON of overlap. So we’ve chosen to omit the many cases in which presidents either probably or definitely slept with women they’d enslaved.
DRAW A LINE MATCHING THE PHOTO OF EACH PRESIDENT TO HIS ALLEGED MISTRESS(ES)
1789–1960
ANSWER KEY
REBECCA SELLECK AND JAMES GARFIELD
Garfield dated Selleck in college even though he was already engaged to someone else back home. But what does “engaged” really mean, anyway? We looked it up, and it means “partly embedded in a wall”!
LUCIA CALHOUN AND JAMES GARFIELD
Haven’t we all succumbed at one time or another to the raw sexual magnetism of newspaper reporters, with their fedora hats and ink-stained fingers?
NAN BRITTON AND WARREN G. HARDING
Although “Nan Britton” sounds like an alternate character name for Mrs. Doubtfire, she was actually a Marion, Ohio, teenager with a huge, all-consuming crush on her father’s friend Warren Harding. Her dad learned about the crush because she had literally wallpapered her bedroom with pictures of Harding. (We’ve all been there!) When he told Harding about this, the senator agreed to talk to her. And he did! Later, she had his baby.
