by J. D. Dobson
CARRIE FULTON PHILLIPS AND WARREN G. HARDING
Do you think you’re working hard enough to change the world? Well, while you were signing some online petition, Carrie Fulton Phillips was having an affair with Harding and blackmailing him to oppose war with Germany in 1917. When Harding ran for president, Phillips also blackmailed the Republican Party, getting a lifetime pension for herself and, awkwardly, her husband. She used this pension to live the kind of life we all dream of—walking her dogs around the neighborhood wearing nothing but a mink coat (and shoes).
MARY PECK AND WOODROW WILSON
The fun thing about vacationing in Bermuda is that you never know when you’re going to meet the governor of New Jersey and start having an affair with him. Bermuda’s tourism bureau should bring this up more often!
MARGUERITE “MISSY” LEHAND AND FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
If your husband ever comes home and announces that he met an intriguing woman named “Marguerite LeHand,” you should be concerned.
LUCY MERCER AND FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
When Eleanor Roosevelt discovered that FDR was having an affair with her social secretary, FDR promised to end it. So it’s weird that Mercer was with him 26 years later when he suffered a stroke while having his portrait painted. (Was this a Titanic-style “Paint me like your French girls” portrait? Hopefully!)
KAY SUMMERSBY AND DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
Regardless of whether this affair really happened, we can all agree that the most awkward part of sleeping with your chauffeur is the moment you tell them you want the chauffeur hat on. (After that, it’s smooth sailing!)
GROVER CLEVELAND
1885–1889 | Democrat
“Call me Uncle Jumbo!” That’s what Grover Cleveland would say to you right now, if he weren’t terrified of women.
Fortunately for you, Grover Cleveland is terrified of women, so you will never have to hear those words spoken aloud (unless you are reading this book aloud right now, perhaps to your partner, as part of a romantic evening of reading aloud to one another about Grover Cleveland). But once you get past Cleveland’s shyness and awkwardness, you’ll be rewarded with a man who is decent,1 honest,2 and shaped like a giant rectangle.3
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU SEE THAT PERSON’S FACE EVERYWHERE—WHETHER YOU’RE WALKING PAST BUFFALO CITY HALL OR SWIMMING THROUGH A POOL OF THOUSAND-DOLLAR BILLS.
Why You’ll Love Him
He’s honest. Cleveland built his career on a reputation for being unflinchingly honest. If you’ve never dated someone who is extremely honest, then you are in for a real barrel of laughs. (Sorry, that was a lie! You’re in for a barrel of very candid feedback about your outfits.)
He works hard. This is a guy who went from being mayor of Buffalo to president of the United States in just three years, and the only way to pull that off is by working really hard. You should definitely mention this to the current mayor of Buffalo if you run into him, or if you have his phone number.4
He hates the press. No one hates the press more than you and Grover Cleveland. The press is always hounding Cleveland for sordid details about his personal life, and they rejected your idea for a comic strip about a family of clams, tentatively titled, “Clams!”
He’s not afraid to say “no.” Cleveland used the veto more times than any other president in a single term. Don’t even try asking him to give you a pension for serving in the Civil War, because we can tell you right now what his answer will be. (It will be no.)
You can call him “Sheriff.” Technically you can call anyone sheriff, but Grover Cleveland really did start his political career as the sheriff of Buffalo, so he won’t find it as confusing as other people do.
SCANDAL!
Before you commit to a relationship with Grover Cleveland, perhaps you want to hear a little more about this woman he allegedly forced himself on, impregnated, and then locked in a mental asylum. Or maybe not. It’s really up to you!
The woman’s name is Maria Halpin, and Cleveland’s version of the story is that he did sleep with Maria, but so had a lot of his friends. (So far so good, right?) Cleveland was single at the time, and his friends were all married, so Cleveland agreed to support the child in order to protect his friends’ reputations, because that’s what good friends do. (FYI to our friends.)
By this point, you’re probably so impressed with how forthcoming Grover Cleveland has been that you’re ready to elect him president right now. But wait, there’s more! After the baby was born, Cleveland used his political connections to have Maria put in an asylum, supposedly because she was drinking too much, and then he put the baby up for adoption against her wishes. The whole thing almost makes you rethink having an affair with Grover Cleveland!
LOVE STORY
The romance between Grover Cleveland and Frances Folsom was like something out of a fairy tale. But one of those creepy, old-timey fairy tales. Let’s take a look back at their love story.
1864 - THEY MEET. Frances is introduced to her father’s law partner and best friend, the 27-year-old Grover Cleveland. Cleveland gives Frances a baby carriage as a gift, because she is a baby.
1875 - TRAGEDY STRIKES. Frances’s father dies in an accident caused by his reckless driving. (Specifically, his reckless driving of a carriage.) Cleveland starts supporting Frances and her mother. She calls him “Uncle Cleve,” because he is practically her uncle.
1882-1884 - ROMANCE STRIKES. Frances goes away to college, and Cleveland begins writing her letters. He eventually falls in love with her, which is one of the dangers of having a pen pal.
1885 - THE ENGAGEMENT. Cleveland proposes to Frances, and she accepts. Word gets out that the president is engaged, but everyone assumes he is engaged to Frances’s mother, because that would have been a reasonable thing to have happened.
1886 - THE WEDDING. Cleveland, now almost 50, marries 21-year-old Frances in a private ceremony at the White House. America breathes a sigh of relief that President Cleveland didn’t choose to be both the groom and also the surrogate father who gave the bride away.
1886 - THE TERRIFYING DISCOVERY. Wanting to find out what happened to Cleveland’s seven previous wives, all of whom mysteriously vanished, Frances breaks into the “forbidden room” in the White House basement, where—to her horror—she discovers the missing wives’ mummified remains. (Just kidding! But it seems plausible, doesn’t it?)
Sort-of Fun Facts
His enemies call him the “Buffalo Hangman,” because when he was sheriff he occasionally had to hang people. (And, presumably, buffalo. If the buffalo had committed a serious crime.)
His friends call him “Big Steve,” which is a fairly cryptic nickname unless you happen to know that his first name is Stephen. He goes by his middle name, Grover, for reasons that will become apparent as soon as you say the name “Stephen Cleveland” aloud.
He was in the process of moving to Cleveland (for obvious reasons) when he made the classic mistake of stopping in Buffalo, New York. Like a black hole from which not even light can escape, the city of Buffalo sucked him in, and he was not able to break out of its icy grip until he’d subdued it by becoming its mayor.
WHEW. NOW THAT’S OVER, AND YOU’LL DEFINITELY NEVER HAVE TO SEE THIS GUY AGAIN!
Vital Stats
Looks: 1
In physical descriptions of Cleveland, somehow the word “ham” always seems to come up.
Physique: 1
Cleveland has very broad shoulders, but it’s hard to tell because his chest, stomach, and legs are also very broad.
Charisma: 1
Although he is not an inspiring speaker, he makes up for it by memorizing all of his speeches, which blew people’s minds. You can find out for yourself how charismatic this is by memorizing one of Grover Cleveland’s speeches and delivering it at parties, on the subway, etc.
Pants: 5
We have checked into this, and Grover Cleveland owned an average amount of pants.
1 Except for that one incident where
he might have fathered an illegitimate child and then had the child’s mother committed to a mental asylum. (To be clear, he definitely slept with a woman and then had her involuntarily committed to an asylum, but he may or may not be the father of her child.)
2 Unless you count the time he told everyone he was going fishing, when really he was having half of his jaw and upper palate surgically removed. To make his alibi more credible, he had the great (?) idea to have this operation onboard a yacht. Does this really count as a lie, though? It’s more of a lie of omission.
3 His body is shaped like a giant rectangle!
4 716-851-4841
BENJAMIN HARRISON
1889–1893 | Republican
If you’re reading this book in order (which is how you’re supposed to read books, FYI), then you’ve just seen a photo of Grover Cleveland, and you probably thought to yourself, “Boy, I’d like to be in a Grover Cleveland sandwich, if you know what I mean.”
Well, we don’t know what you mean, but Benjamin Harrison does, because he served between Grover Cleveland’s first and second terms. This turned out to be the most memorable thing about the Harrison presidency.
Why did America decide to take a break from Grover Cleveland and have a four-year dalliance with Benjamin Harrison? A lot of reasons, but one might be America’s sublimated desire for a hereditary monarchy, which manifests every few decades in the form of Adamses, Bushes, etc. (The “etc.” is Roosevelts.) Benjamin Harrison was the grandson of President William Henry Harrison, who is remembered for taking something everyone does (dying) and making it historic and noteworthy.
It’s a little surprising that America was willing to roll the dice on another Harrison presidency after the first one petered out after a few weeks, but Harrison turned out to be a decent guy who knew how to give a nice, succinct inaugural speech. Among other things, he was way ahead of his time on race: He funded education for the children of freed slaves, he made Frederick Douglass an ambassador, and he opposed the Chinese Exclusion Act (which was exactly what it sounds like).
On the other hand, he was kind of a weird uncle. But we’ll get to that in a second.
Favorite Pickup Line
“What do you say we leave the lights on tonight? Because electricity just got installed in the White House, and I’m afraid of touching the light switch. Also, let’s do this every night because I am probably going to be scared of electricity for a while.”
BENJAMIN HARRISON’S FAVORITE FOOD IS CORN. SO THAT’S WHY YOUR TRAP ISN’T WORKING—YOU NEED TO BAIT IT WITH CORN.
Why You’ll Love Him
Some guys are reluctant to introduce you to their families, but not Benjamin Harrison! For his honeymoon, he took his first wife, Caroline, to his hometown of North Bend, Ohio, a tiny hamlet whose sole attraction was his grandfather’s gigantic, monumental tomb. I bet they didn’t get much sleep on that honeymoon!
Harrison’s presidency was riven by angry, divisive debates … over what do we do with all this extra money. These are the kinds of fights you want to have with your spouse.
He understands work-life balance. As president, Harrison tried to wrap things up at the office by noon so he could spend the rest of the day goofing off with his grandkids. For a gilded-age quasi-aristocrat, we’ll call that a full day’s work.
He fights big corporations. And we know you’ll love that! Unless you’re a big corporation that has become sentient and is reading this book.
SCANDAL!
Oh, there really wasn’t anything scandalous in Benjamin Harrison’s presidency. Pretty ho-hum.
Well, unless you count the time his wife died, and he married a woman younger than either of his children.
But Mary Dimmick was pretty mature for her age—in fact, she had a very impressive job! She worked at the White House, as his wife’s secretary.
Now, to be fair, there might have been some nepotism involved when she was hired. Because she was also his wife’s niece.
But other than marrying his own niece, there really wasn’t any scandal to speak of in the Harrison administration!
Harrison was the first president to have his voice recorded. So, yes: You can change your ringtone to Harrison saying, “I was present at the first Pan-American Congress.” It’s a great way to meet people who share your interest in Benjamin Harrison.
Sort-of Fun Facts
During the 1888 presidential election, Harrison decided that instead of campaigning around the country, he’d just sit on his porch in Indianapolis and wait for throngs of people to come to him. The Indianapolis Bureau of Tourism keeps urging presidential candidates to try this proven strategy, but so far they’ve had no takers.
Harrison’s daughter Mary founded an investment newsletter for women called Cues on the News. So … we hate to be the bearers of bad news, but you’re going to need to come up with a different name for your investment newsletter for women.
Here’s a Tip
If you and your significant other ever decide to take a five-week vacation through the western states, do it the way Benjamin and Caroline Harrison did: aboard your own five-car, lavishly outfitted train, with “The Presidential Special” written on it in giant gold letters. This gold lettering will make a great conversation piece during the long, boring stretches of track through the desert, because you can use it to start yet another of the endless arguments about the gold standard that dominated the 19th century.
DOES HE KEEP HIS promises?
Well, yes. But when it comes to Harrison, that’s like having someone promise, “I will eat a really huge breakfast.” He might keep his promise, but you’re not too excited about it. (Unless you’re running a diner, in which case, jackpot!)
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Caroline Harrison met her future husband because her father was a science professor, and Harrison was one of his students. Which is a great way to meet men who look like this!
High protective tariffs on imports. Under Harrison’s presidency, the McKinley Tariff Act raised tariffs on goods ranging from carpet to tin plates. This made it a lot more expensive for Americans to build houses out of carpet and tin plates.
A modernized navy. But you have to keep in mind this meant modern by 1889 standards, which probably just meant that there always had to be at least one sailor on board who wasn’t drunk.
Pensions for Civil War veterans. This is how Harrison solved the most vexing problem facing his presidency—what to do with all the money the government was making from tariffs on carpet and tin plates.
Vital Stats
Looks: 5
He’s the last president to have a beard. And no, we don’t mean “most recent.” We mean last.
Physique: 2
Let’s just say that he had a body only a low-level White House staffer hoping to marry the president could love.
Charisma: 5
This one is hard to score. Harrison was a famously magnetic public speaker, but in smaller groups, he was so cold and aloof that people called him “The Human Iceberg.” On the other hand, that is such an awesome nickname that we feel compelled to reward him with at least a 5.
Goat chasing: 4
Harrison’s grandkids kept a goat named “Old Whiskers” at the White House, and one day it escaped and Harrison chased it down Pennsylvania Avenue while wearing a top hat and carrying a cane. But we’re still only going to give him a 4 out of 10 because we don’t know if he caught the goat. If we were rating him on willingness to chase goats, he’d get a 10/10. But we’re not.
HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE EXPLAINS: The Gold Standard
Throughout the 19th century, some of the same policy debates kept coming up over and over again in presidential elections. “How much more land should we take from Mexico?” “What did we decide to do about slavery again?” And, “Should we use the gold standard?”
What is the gold standard, you might ask? Please allow us to use our deep knowledge of monetary history to explain. You might even call this the gold standard of gold standard
explanations.
What is the gold standard?
Hopefully you don’t have any money in your wallet, because you’ve already spent it buying additional copies of this book as gifts for your friends, or just as an investment. But if you do have any money, it’s probably made of paper. The gold standard is when paper money is “backed” by gold.
Do you mean “backed” as in decorated? Like it has a gold foil backing? Because that sounds a lot better than our current non–gold foil system. Please sign me up for the gold standard.
No. “Backed” means that for every dollar of paper money, there’s a dollar’s worth of gold somewhere that the paper bill represents. That way, the value of the paper money isn’t theoretical—the paper is a stand-in for actual physical stuff. This gives people more confidence in it. They don’t have to worry that one day they’ll wake up and it’ll just be a worthless piece of paper, like that IOU from your kids for “one hug.” Under the gold standard, money is usually “convertible,” which means you can trade it in to the central bank for gold.
